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THE 


PHILOSOPHERS  OF  FOUFOUVILLE. 

T 


BY-  RADICAL  FREELANCE,  ESQ. 


"  La  pJdlosophie,  dont  on  a  quelquefois  passe"  les  bornes,  les  recherches  de 
Vantiquiti,  Vesprit  de  discussion  et  de  critique,  ont  6t6pousse"s  si  loin,  quy  enfin 
plusieurs  savans  ont  douU,"  etc,  —  Voltaire. 


^ 


NEW    YORK: 

G.    W.     Caf^leton,     Publisher 

LONDON:    S.    LOW,    SON,    &    CO. 

MDCCCLXVin. 


Entered,  according  to  Act  of  Congress,  in  the  year  1SGS,  by 

GEO.   \7.   CAELETON, 

In  the  Clerk's  Office  of  the  District  Court  for  the  Southern  District  of  New  York. 


CONTENTS. 


Page 
CHAPTER    I.     Tho  Inauguration  at  Harmony  Hall,  with  an  Account 

of  the  New  Utopians 7 

II.     In  which  Matters  and  Things  at  Harmony  Hall  aro 

arranged  to  the  Satisfaction  of  Everybody           .  26 

III.  Symptoms  of  Discord  appear  at  Harmony  Hall          .  34 

IV.  Some  curious  and  interesting  Papers  never  beforo  pre- 

sented to  the  Public 59 

V.     A  Discussion  between  Dr.  Goodenough  and  Mr.  Long- 
shanks        89 

VI.     A  Convention  of  the  Femalo  Rights  Association        .  11G 

VII.     Some  Adventures  of  Mr.  Peewit        ....  153 

VIII.     The  Doctor  invests  in  the  Fine  Arts  .         .         .172 

IX.     Lively  Times  at  Harmony  Hall          ....  196 

X.     The  Rev.  Hieronymus  Knox  takes  the  Bull  by  the 

Horns 229 

XI.     Some  original  Letters  now  first  published,  together 

with  a  few  Extracts  from  our  Newspaper  Files    .  240 
XII.     In  which  the  Virtuous  are  rewarded  and  the  Wicked 

punished   .         .          ......  254 

XIII.  An  Account  of  the  Philosopher  Fou-fou   .        .        .  274 

XIV.  Conclusion 292 


THE 


PHILOSOPHERS  OF  FOUFOUVILLE. 


CHAPTER    I. 

Tlie  Inauguration  at  Harmony  Sail,  with  an  Account 
of  the  New  Utopians. 

The  building  now  used  for  the  celebrated  Water-cure 
Establishment  at  Foufouvillc,  New  Jersey,  was  built 
for  a  very  different  purpose.  It  was  erected  by  the 
late  learned  Dr.  Goodenough,  in  the  latter  years  of  his 
life,  in  order  to  give  a  practical  demonstration  of  those 
theories  of  social  reform  that  he  had  long  inculcated  in 
his  writings,  and  to  which  he  now  resolved  to  devote,  not 
only  his  time,  but  his  fortune. 

The  doctor,  with  his  habitually  liberal  views,  in- 
structed his  architect,  Palladio  Styles,  Esq.,  n.  a.  a., 
to  design  the  building  in  such  a  manner  that,  by 
simply  extending  the  wings,  it  could  be  made  to  con- 
tain accommodation  for  one  thousand  inmates, — this 
being  as  many  as  he  thought  it  advisable  to  collect  in 
one  institution  at  the  beginning  of  his  enterprise ;  but 
he  contemplated  making  ample  preparations  for  the 
great  increase  that  he  anticipated  in  the  numbers  of 
the  Harmonians  (or  New  Utopians,  as  they  were  called 
by  the  public)  ;  and  on  the  square  mile  of  land  he  had 

7 


8  tiie  rniLOsornERS  of  foufouville. 

purchased,  selected  the  eleven  most  eligible  sites,  for 
the  erection  of  the  first  eleven  additional  phalansteries 
that  should  follow  the  success  of  the  one  with  which 
he  initiated  his  grand  scheme.  Of  course,  more  hmd 
would  be  required  for  agricultural  purposes  when  the 
community  should  become  so  greatly  increased ;  but 
he  trusted,  that  in  the  meantime,  the  six  hundred  and  forty 
acres  already  purchased  would  afford  sufficient  food 
for  the  members  of  the  society  during  the  first  few 
months. 

It  was  in  the  spring  of  the  year  185-  that  the  doctor 
removed  to  the  new  building  at  Foufouville,  accom- 
panied by  his  first  five  proselytes,  or  "  disciples,"  as 
he  was  accustomed  to  call  them. 

Assembling  them,  on  the  day  of  their  arrival,  in  the 
great  music-hall  (now  used  as  the  refectory  of  the  Water- 
cure  Establishment),  he  thus  addressed  them,  — 

"  Beloved  brothers  and  sisters :  St.  Augustin  tells  us 
that '  we  are  all  seekers  after  happiness  ;  but  that  how  to  ob- 
tain it,  is  a  question  that  has  excited  numerous  and  lively 
disputations  among  the  learned.'  We  are  about  to  solve 
this  great  problem.  A  new  light  has  dawned  upon  man- 
kind,—  a  light  which,  rising  over  Foufouville,  is  destined 
to  shed  its  refulgence  throughout  the  whole  world.  Fou- 
fouville is  to  be  the  Mecca  of  untold  generations  of  Har- 
monians.  We  have  this  day  inaugurated  a  new  era,  and 
henceforth,  in  our  written  communications  to  each  other, 
will  date  from  this  memorable  epoch,  the  first  day  of  the 
Inst  month  of  the  first  year  of  the  Harmonian  era. 

"  I  regret  that  there  are  some  among  you  who  do  not 
as  yet  fully  concur  in  all  my  doctrines,  but  do  not  doubt 
that  those  who  are  still  more  or  less  affected  by  long  con- 


THE    PHILOSOPHERS    OF    FOUFOUVILLE.  9 

tact  with  the  gentiles,  will  in  time  be  brought  to  recognize 
the  value  of  the  Harmonian  philosophy,  by  the  cogency 
of  my  arguments,  and  the  triumphant  demonstration  that 
is  about  to  be  made  of  its  practical  utility ;  and  it  is  a 
matter  of  congratulation  that  all  are  so  far  agreed  as  to 
have  cheerfully  subscribed  to  the  rules  of  the  establishment. 

"  I  will  enumerate  the  following,  as  being  among  the 
most  important  ones : 

"  Our  food  shall  consist  of  fruits  and  vegetables,  with 
such  animal  products  as  are  not  obtained  by  a  sacrifice 
of  life. 

"The  flesh  of  creatures  into  whom  the  Almighty  has 
breathed  the  breath  of  life  is  strictly  prohibited. 

"  My  mind  is  not  yet  clear  on  the  subject  of  eggs.  It 
is  known  that  some  of  them  contain  the  vital  principle, 
while  some  do  not.  We  will  reserve  the  determination 
of  this  delicate  question  for  future  discussion. 

"  Of  the  advantages  of  a  vegetable  diet,  I  am  a  living 
example,  for,  although  not  above  the  average  height,  I 
weigh  nearly  three  hundred  pounds. 

"  The  deleterious  juice  of  the  grape  is  tabooed. 

"  Likewise  that  vile  weed,  tobacco. 

"  Also  those  highly  injurious  drugs,  tea  and  coffee. 

"  Perfect  equality  shall  exist  between  us. 

"  All  property  shall  be  in  common  ;  and  we  shall  depend 
for  our  subsistence  on  the  labor  of  our  hands. 

"In  regard  to  the  marriage  state,  while  I  am  not 
absolutely  opposed  to  it,  I  believe  that  it  should  not  be 
entered  into  without  long  deliberation,  and  then  solely 
for  the  purpose  of  carrying  out  that  sublime,  that  holy 
instinct  of  our  nature,  to  increase  and  multiply ;  and  not, 
as  I  fear  is  too  often  the  case,  merely  from  a  desire  to 


10  THE    PHILOSOPHERS    OF    FOUFOUVILLE. 

gratify  the  whims  of  the  flesh.  For  this  reason,  husbands 
and  wives  will  be  kept  rigidly  separated  from  each  other, 
excepting  at  such  times  as  the  laws  of  physiology  teach 
us  may  be  favorable  to  the  attainment  of  the  great  end 
in  view. 

"  St.  Augustin  informs  us  that  '  philosophers  hold  two 
different  opinions  in  regard  to  those  movements  of  the 
soul  which  the  Greeks  call,  ndOt),  the  Latins,  with  Cicero, 
perturbationes,  others,  affections,  or,  as  more  in  accordance 
with  the  Greek  expression,  passions.  Some  maintain 
that  they  exist  even  in  the  soul  of  the  sage,  but  moder- 
ated, and  under  the  control  of  reason,  which  imposes  its 
laws  upon  them,  and  restrains  them  within  proper  bounds. 
Such  was  the  opinion  of  the  Platonicians  and  Peripatetics. 
Others,  like  the  Stoics,  held  that  the  soul  of  the  sage  is 
unmoved  by  them.' 

"  This,  beloved  brothers  and  sisters,  is  the  whole  secret. 
You  have  merely  to  let  your  passions  be  subordinate  to 
your  reason.  And  here  in  Harmony  Hall  Ave  will  demon- 
strate to  an  admiring  world  how  easily  this  desirable  con- 
summation is  to  be  attained. 

"  In  this  calm  retreat  —  like  St.  Simon  Stygites  on  top 
of  his  pillar  —  we  shall  be  secure  from  the  raging  passions 
and  numberless  temptations  that  beset  less  fortunate 
mortals.  Separated  from  the  outer  world,  from  its  lusts, 
its  hatreds,  its  avarice,  its  contentions,  we  will  tranquilly 
glide  down  the  vale  of  years  in  perpetual  harmony,  peace, 
and  good-will." 

The  doctor's  peculiar  views  on  the  institution  of  mar- 
riage may  be  partially  accounted  for  from  the  fact  that 
his  union  with  the  late  Mrs.  Goodenough  (Xantippe, 
daughter  of  Timothy  Bangs,  Esq.,  President  of  Salem 


THE    PHILOSOPHERS    OF   FOUFOVVILLE.  11 

College)  had  been  extremely  infelicitous ;  owing,  it  was 
said,  to  the  lady's  hasty  temper,  and  her  entire  want  of 
sympathy  with  the  benevolent  projects  of  her  husband  to 
ameliorate  the  condition  of  mankind.  The  only  living 
issue  of  this  union,  a  daughter  named  after  her  father's 
favorite  virtue,  Charity,  was  sixteen  years  of  age  when 
the  doctor  disposed  of  his  property,  much  of  it  at  a  sacri- 
fice, in  order  to  give  effect  to  his  theories  by  the  founda- 
tion of  Harmony  Hall,  —  for  such  was  the  name  of  the  new 
institution  at  Foufouville. 

Miss  Charity  Goodenough,  who,  of  course,  accompanied 
her  father,  gave  a  passive  assent  to  his  teachings,  though 
it  may  be  doubted  whether  or  not  she  fully  comprehended 
the  purport  of  all  of  them. 

But  the  doctor's  most  enthusiastic  disciple,  and  his 
right-hand  man  in  the  realization  of  his  scheme,  was  Pro- 
fessor Nicholas  Malpest.  This  gentleman  was  supposed 
to  be  of  foreign  birth,  but  the  fact  was  not  certain,  as  he 
was  extremely  reticent  in  regard  to  his  origin.  Little 
was  known  of  him,  excepting  that  previous  to  his  acquaint- 
ance with  Dr.  Goodenough,  he  had  eked  out  a  precarious 
livelihood  by  delivering  lectures  on  social  reform  in  dif- 
ferent parts  of  the  country. 

He  was  soon  taken  into  the  doctor's  intimacy,  on  ac- 
count of  the  singular  accordance  of  their  philanthropical 
views,  and  had  been  of  great  assistance  to  the  old  gen- 
tleman —  at  least,  so  he  said  —  in  the  management  of  his 
affairs,  particularly  in  the  investment  of  his  money ;  for 
the  good  doctor  was  totally  unacquainted  with  business 
(except  as  it  was  conducted  among  the  Greeks  and  Eo- 
mans) ,  and  it  was  Professor  Malpest  who  had  counselled, 


12  THE    PHILOSOPHERS    OF   FOUFOUVJLLE. 

and  finally  negotiated  the  purchase  of  the  property  at 
Foufouvillej 

He  was  at  this  time  about  forty-five  years  of  age,  tall 
and  thin  in  person,  with  long,  dark  hair,  dyed  and  arti- 
ficially frizzled  like  that  of  a  mulatto,  and  piercing  black 
eyes,  which  squinted  in  a  manner  that  would  have  given 
him  an  exceedingly  sinister  expression,  had  he  not  always 
worn  spectacles  to  conceal  the  defect.  It  was  also  known 
that  he  had  false  teeth. 

Miss  Serena  Minerva  Griffin  —  a  lady  of  an  uncertain 
age,  but  which  was  certainly  more  than  thirty  —  was 
another  member  of  the  society.  She  was  an  earnest  and 
sincere  admirer  of  the  doctor,  although  she  did  not  give 
an  entire  assent  to  all  his  doctrines.  On  the  subject  of 
marriage,  in  particular,  she  quite  differed  from  him.  Not- 
withstanding his  own  disagreeable  experience,  he  ever 
maintained  that  that  union  should  be  permanent.  "  "Whom 
God  hath  joined,"  he  would  say,  "  let  no  man  put  asunder." 

"  Dear,  good  man  !  "  Miss  Minerva  would  rejoin.  "  He 
is  so  inexperienced.  He  does  not  know  the  fundamental 
difference  between  the  sexes.  Why  should  woman  be 
bound  for  life  to  one  whom  she  loathes  ?  Freedom,  indeed  ! 
Talk  not  to  me  of  freedom  while  such  slavery  exists. 
Look  at  Nature  ;  behold  the  birds  of  the  air  and  the  beasts 
of  the  field  !  Let  us  take  Nature  for  our  guide.  She  will 
not  lead  us  astray." 

The  name  of  Miss  Griffin  had  been  long  before  the 
public,  as  an  eloquent  expounder  of  the  rights  and  wrongs 
of  her  sex. 

But  the  most  prominent  female  member  of  the  society 
was  Mrs.  Elizabeth  Strongitharm.  This  lady  was  about 
forty-four  years  of  age,  hard  in  features  and  in  disposition, 


THE    PHILOSOPHERS    OF    FOVFOUVILLE.  13 

and  always  dressed  in  what  is  known  as  the  Bloomer  cos- 
tume. She  was,  in  short,  what  might  be  denominated  a 
strong-minded  woman,  and  had  been  a  leading  oracle  at 
the  meetings  of  the  Female  Rights  Association,  over 
which  she  had  occasionally  presided. 

She  did  not  concur  with  the  doctor  in  all  his  views,  nor 
with  Miss  Griffin  in  anything,  except  in  regard  to  the 
superiority  of  woman  over  man,  and  the  long  catalogue 
of  wrongs  to  which  he  had  subjected  her.  "  Man,"  she 
would  say,  "  by  the  false  laws  of  a  debased  state  of  soci- 
ety is  enabled  to  impose  upon  feeble  woman  ;  but  no  man 
ever  took  advantage  of  me,  nor  ever  shall." 

The  last  of  the  doctor's  five  proselytes,  whom  it  remains 
for  us  to  describe,  was  Joseph  Peewit,  Esq.  This  gentle- 
man had  been  taken  in  marriage  by  Mrs.  Strongitharm 
some  years  before,  notwithstanding  he  was  much  younger 
than  she.  They  had  not  been  united  according  to  the 
forms  of  any  religious  denomination,  but  by  the  insertion 
of  the  following  announcement  in  the  newspapers  :  — 

"  Know  all  men  and  women  by  these  presents,  that  I, 
Elizabeth  Strongitharm,  and  Joseph  Peewit,  being  free 
from  the  grovelling  superstitions  of  this  degenerate  age, 
untrammelled  by  the  impositions  of  hireling  priests, 
and  unterrified  by  the  oppressive,  unequal,  and  tyranni- 
cal laws  of  a  sycophantic  society,  do  hereby  take  each 
other  for  husband  and  wife,  until  death  do  us  part,  or 
until  this  copartnership  shall  be  dissolved  by  mutual 
consent. 

"  ELIZABETH  STRONGITHARM. 

"J.  Peewit." 

She  had  not  taken  Mr.  Peewit's  name ;  for,  "  Why," 

2 


14  THE    PHILOSOPHERS    OF    FOVFOUVILLE. 

said  she,  "  should  woman  sacrifice  her  name,  rather  than 
man  his  ?  Peewit  may  assume  my  name  if  he  choose,  but 
I  take  that  of  no  man  —  not  I." 

Their  union  was  unblessed  with  issue. 

As  absolute  equality  was  one  of  the  cardinal  principles 
of  the  organization ;  there  could  be  no  such  personage  as 
a  president,  or  presiding  elder.  "  Nevertheless,"  said  the 
doctor,  who  wras  still  on  the  rostrum,  "  as  I  have  lived 
longer  in  the  world,  and  am  more  experienced  in  its  ways 
than  any  of  jrou,  I  trust,  dear  brethren,  that  you  will  be 
guided  in  a  great  measure  by  my  advice  in  the  settlement 
of  the  importaut  questions  that  will  arise  in  relation  to 
the  moral,  intellectual,  and  social  welfare  of  mankind  in 
general,  and  of  the  society  of  Ilarmonians  in  particular." 

Mrs.  Strongitharm  objected  decidedly  to  be  guided  by 
the  advice  of  any  one,  and  especially  of  a  man.  She  had 
always  followed  her  own  judgment,  and  always  intended 
to  do  so.  "  It  might,  however,  be  well,"  she  observed, 
"  to  form  a  sort  of  Council  for  the  transaction  of  the  daily 
business  of  the  society.  It  should  consist  of  about  half 
a  dozen  members." 

"  A  sort  of  committee  of  the  whole,"  suggested  Mr. 
Peewit. 

"  Sir?"  said  Mrs.  Strongitharm,  with  a  frown. 

"Nothing,"  answered  her — we  were  about  to  write 
"  lord  and  master,"  but  that  would  be  a  misnomer,  as  the 
pantaloons  were  both  figuratively  and  literally  worn  by 
the  lady. 

"The  suggestion  of  a  Council  meets  my  approbation," 
said  Miss  Griffin  ;  "  although  it  does  emanate  from  Mrs. 
Strongitharm  ;  and  as  there  will  doubtless  be  a  greater 
number  of  females  than  males  in  the  community,  —  women 


THE    PHILOSOPHERS    OF    FOUFOUVILLE.  15 

in  the  present  state  of  society  being  so  much  more  pro- 
gressive than  men,  —  it  is  just  that  the  voice  of  the  former 
should  preponderate ;  I  would  therefore  recommend  for 
the  rapid  despatch  of  business,  a  Grand  Council  consisting 
of  twenty  women  and  four  men." 

Professor  Malpest  rose  and  stated  that  he  agreed  with 
the  doctor,  and  he  also  agreed  with  the  ladies.  The  doc- 
tor was  the  Nestor,  the  Mentor,  the  Moses  of  the  society, 
and  he  for  one  would  ever  listen  to  his  counsels  with  the 
most  profound  respect  and  veneration,  as  to  the  voice  of 
wisdom  and  virtue.  Who  (with  the  exception  of  him- 
self) had  sacrificed  more  for  the  furtherance  of  the  great 
work  of  human  regeneration?  Both  were  co-laborers  in 
the  same  humane  field.  The  doctor  had  very  properly 
contributed  the  lucre  he  would  no  longer  need  ;  while  he 
(carried  away  by  his  feelings  of  benevolence,  and  the  ad- 
mirable logic  of  the  doctor)  had  not  hesitated  to  sacrifice 
the  brilliant,  though  worldly  career  that  was  opening  be- 
fore him,  in  order  to  devote  his  time,  his  wealth  (what 
little  he  had),  and  he  might  add,  his  life  itself,  should  it 
become  necessary,  to  this  noble  cause.  The  advice  of  the 
ladies  was  also  good,  he  would  even  say,  most  excellent, 
and  was  a  convincing  proof  of  that  penetration,  that  deep 
insight,  that  intuitive  reason,  peculiar  to  the  sex.  He 
would  venture  to  observe,  however,  that  just  at  present, 
while  their  numbers  were  somewhat  limited,  the  selection 
of  the  persons  to  compose  the  Grand  Council  might  per- 
haps be  deferred  for  a  few  clays  without  serious  disadvan- 
tage, as  there  were  questions  of  more  pressing  necessity 
that  awaited  decision.  He  therefore  took  the  liberty  of 
reminding  his  assembled  brothers  and  sisters  that  it  was 
growing  late,  and  they  had  not  yet  chosen  a  cook. 


16  the  rniLOSornERS  of  foufouville. 

This  proposition  of  the  professor  seemed  to  dampen 
the  spirits  of  the  whole  party,  and  was  followed  by  a  si- 
lence of  several  minutes. 

The  gentleman  himself  was  the  first  to  break  it  by  stat- 
ing that,  as  to  himself,  he  had  assumed  (much  against  his 
will)  the  arduous  duties  connected  with  the  financial  de- 
partment, and  must  therefore  decline  being  a  candidate  for 
culinary  honors  ;  but  he  did  not  doubt  that  an  adept  would 
be  found  among  some  of  the  accomplished  ladies  present. 

"  Of  course,"  said  Mrs.  Strongitharm,  "  since  we  have 
resolved  that  all  the  work  shall  be  done  by  members  of  the 
society,  in  order  to  protect  ourselves  from  contaminating 
contact  with  those  who  do  not  conform  to  our  peculiar 
views,  it  is  not  only  advisable,  but  necessary,  to  distribute 
amongst  us  impartially  the  various  duties  of  the  estab- 
lishment. As  I  am  unfortunately  ignorant  of  the  culinary 
art,  I  have  decided  to  take  the  responsible  office  of  house- 
keeper, and  therefore  propose  that  Miss  Griffin  undertake 
the  more  easy  work  of  the  kitchen." 

"I  shall  do- no  such  thing,"  answered  Miss  Griffin. 
"  It  may,  perhaps,  be  proper  that  the  oldest  female  in  the 
community  should  act  as  duenna  to  us  younger  ones.  I 
do  not  object ;  and,  as  I  feel  myself  peculiarly  fitted  for 
the  position  of  secretary,  it  seems  to  me  eminently  just 
that  the  youngest  lady  should  do  the  cooking." 

"  I  will  gladly  do  nry  part  in  the  household  labors," 
said  Miss  Goodenough ;  "  but  am  really  quite  ignorant 
of  kitchen  work  ;  still  I  will  cheerfully  try  to  cook,  if  some 
one  will  be  so  kind  as  to  direct  me." 

After  a  protracted  discussion,  Miss  Griffin  consented  to 
instruct  Miss  Goodenough  until  such  time  as  she  should 
be  able  to  perform  her  work  unaided. 


THE    PHILOSOPHERS    OF   F0UF0UV1LLE.  17 

The  two  ladies  then  descended  to  the  kitchen,  where 
Avith  the  assistance  of  Mr.  Peewit  a  fire  was  started  in 
the  immense  range.  This  was  a  complicated  structure, 
built  on  the  model  of  that  in  the  hotel  of  the  Metropolis, 
and  contained  all  the  appurtenances  requisite  for  provid- 
ing meals  for  upwards  of  five  hundred  persons. 

Raw  materials  for  the  supper  had  already  been  pro- 
vided by  the  forethought  of  Professor  Malpest,  who,  in  addi- 
tion to  the  duties  of  treasurer,  had  hitherto  performed  those 
of  general  manager  of  the  society.  It  had  been  observed 
that  although  everything  he  did  was  done  by  the  advice 
of  Dr.  Goodenough,  yet  that  this  advice  was  invariably 
given  in  accordance  with  suggestions  that  had  emanated 
from  the  professor  himself.  Flesh  of  course  there  was 
none ;  but  there  were  flour,  corn-meal,  rice,  macaroni, 
sugar,  potatoes,  beans  of  many  kinds,  —  in  short,  a  small 
grocery  store  complete.  The  ingredients  were  there  but 
the  question  was  how  to  put  them  together.  Miss  Griffin, 
who  had  undertaken  to  direct,  was  as  ignorant  as  Miss 
Goodenough,  who  was  the  executive.  Some  information 
vouchsafed  by  the  doctor  in  regard  to  the  Grecian  method 
of  making  a  bread  called  /xddda  was  of  no  assistance  to 
them  whatever.  The  result  was  that  they  concocted  a 
number  of  pasty  messes  which  were  deposited,  some  in 
the  oven,  and  some  in  a  frying-pan  ;  the  former  it  being 
hoped  would  turn  into  bread,  while  the  latter  was  an  at- 
tempt at  flapjacks.  While  the  messes  were  baking  and  fry- 
ing, Miss  Goodenough  thought  it  would  be  an  excellent 
opportunity  to  put  her  room  in  order,  —  Miss  Griffin  having 
kindly  offered  to  keep  watch  over  the  cooking,  and  see 
that  all  went  right  during  her  absence ;  but  hardly  had 
Miss  Goodenough  left  the  kitchen,  when  Miss  Griffin  was 
2* 


18  r/iE  rniLOSopnEns   of  foufovville. 

seized  with  an  idea  for  her  hitherto  unpublished  lecture 
on  the  "  Co-relation  of  the  Sexes,"  and,  in  the  inspiration 
of  the  moment,  bread  and  flapjacks  were  forgotten,  as, 
with  paper  and  pencil  in  hand,  the  mental  faculties  of  the 
young  lady  became  completely  absorbed  in  making  notes. 
The  consequence  was,  that  when  Mr.  Peewit,  who  had 
been  dubbed  waiter  t  came  in  with  his  tray,  the  flapjacks, 
which  had  been  frying  for  nearly  an  hour,  presented  an 
appearance  similar  to  that  of  the  ancient  parchments  that 
are  dug  up  at  Herculaneum,  being  burnt  to  cinders,  while 
the  bread  had  a  black  crust  an  inch  thick.  The  milk  now 
boiled  over,  and  Mr.  Peewit,  Miss  Griffin,  and  Miss 
Goodenough  in  making  a  simultaneous  effort  to  seize  the 
skillet,  upset  it,  spilling  its  contents  to  the  last  drop.  As 
the  butter,  cheese,  preserves,  and  other  small  delicacies 
had  not  yet  been  received,  the  Harmonians  were  obliged 
to  content  themselves  with  a  frugal  repast  of  burnt  un- 
leavened bread  and  water. 

""We  must  expect  trials  and  tribulations,  my  dear 
friends,  at  the  beginning  of  our  enterprise,"  said  Dr. 
Goodenough.  "  "What  great  work  was  ever  achieved  with- 
out privations  and  sacrifices?  Let  us  be  thankful  to 
Divine  Providence  that  he  has  given  us  these  crusts,  with 
this  pure  water,  the  wine  of  Nature." 

Professor  Malpest  said  "  Amen  ;  "  but  the  expression  of 
bis  face  did  not  indicate  a  feeling  of  thankfulness. 

"  When  I  undertake  to  do  a  thing,  I  do  it,"  said  Mrs. 
Strongitharm. 

"  It  was  the  fault  of  the  milk,"  said  Miss  Griffin.  "  If 
that  had  not  boiled  over,  I  should  not  have  overlooked  the 
bread  ;  but  since  my  incapacity  for  such  low  work  is 
manifest,  I  hereby  decline  any  further  responsibility." 


THE    PHILOSOPHERS    OF  FOUFOUVILLE.  19 

As  Miss  Goodenough  had  burned  her  fingers  in  extricat- 
ing the  bread  from  the  oven,  and  would  consequently  be 
unable  to  resume  the  work,  there  was  but  one  resource, 
Mr.  Peewit  was  installed  cook  for  the  following  day.  He 
ventured  upon  a  few  words  of  remonstrance,  but  was  ea- 
sily silenced  by  a  look  from  Mrs.  Strongitharm,  and  the 
words,  "  Sir,  would  you  have  me  do  it?  " 

After  the  simple,  and  —  to  all  save  Dr.  Goodenough  — 
unsatisfactory  supper,  the  company  assembled  in  the 
large  reception  room  (now  the  packing  apartment  of  the 
Water-cure  Establishment) . 

"  Papa,"  said  Miss  Goodenough, "  this  great  unfurnished 
room  is  dismal." 

"  My  child,"  answered  the  doctor,  "  nothing  should  ap- 
pear dismal  to  us,  now  that  we  have  entered  on  our  glori- 
ous work.  As  to  me,  I  am  joyous,  I  am  hilarious  in  antic- 
ipation of  the  future.  It  is  true  that  at  present,  in 
consequence  of  the  paucity  of  our  numbers,  the  rooms 
have  a  deserted  appearance ;  but  soon  you  will  see  pil- 
grims arriving  from  every  land,  and  these  vast  halls  will 
be  filled  with  a  peaceful,  contented,  and  loving  multitude, 
who  will  fly  to  this  haven  of  refuge  from  the  storms  of 
the  outer  world."  \ 

"This  is  the  new  ark,"  said  Professor  Malpest  n  and 
Dr.  Goodenough  is  its  Noah." 

"  And  are  we  the  beasts  ?  "  inquired  Mr.  Peewit. 

The  professor  muttered  something  about  "  asses,"  but 
it  was  not  distinctly  heard. 

"  My  friends,"  said  the  doctor,  "  since  music,  as  Aris- 
totle tells  us  in  the  eighth  book  of  his  treatise  on  Gov- 
ernment, acts  upon  the  soul  as  gymnastics  do  upon  the 
body,  and  tends  to  lull  the  evil  passions  of  our  nature, 


20  THE    PIllLOSOrnERS    OF  FOUFOVVILLE. 

let  us  pass  the  remaining  hours  of  the  evening  with  vocal 
and  instrumental  harmony.  "We  will  adjourn  to  the 
music  hall  where  brother  Nicholas  has  already  placed 
the  instruments.  Charity  will  play  on  the  harp,  while 
Miss  Griffin,  —  Sister  Minerva,  —  like  a  new  Cecilia, 
transports  our  souls  to  heaven  on  the  melodeon." 

"  I  will  play  the  jews-harp,"  said  Mr.  Peewit. 

"  No,  sir,"  answered  Mrs.  Strongitharm,  sharply  ;  "  you 
will  take  your  flageolet,  on  which  you  have  alread}-  had 
same  practice,  and  accompany  me  on  the  trombone." 

"  "We  will  all  bear  our  part,"  said  the  doctor.  "  Brother 
Nicholas  we  know  is  accomplished  with  his  fiddle,  and  as, 
in  my  wild  and  thoughtless  youth,  while  still  dazzled  by 
the  tinsel  and  glitter  of  mundane  shows,  I  acted  as  drum- 
mer-boy to  the  777th  Reg.  N.  Y.  S.  M.,  —  being  perhaps 
an  inspiration  of  Providence  to  prepare  me  for  present 
usefulness,  —  I  will  play  the  kettle-drum." 

The  amateur  musicians  placed  themselves  before  their 
respective  instruments ;  but  we  will  not  attempt  to  de- 
scribe the  performance.  Miss  Charity,  indeed,  played  well 
on  the  harp,  while  the  professor  and  Miss  Minerva  were 
not  unskilled  on  the  violin  and  melodeon  ;  but  there  was 
no  one  to  mark  the  time,  it  being  considered  contrary  to  the 
principles  of  the  society  for  any  one  to  be  a  leader  in  an}-- 
thing.  Hence  discord  dire  and  unexampled  was  the  result. 
In  the  midst  of  the  softest  strains  of  the  harp  and  melodeon, 
the  flageolet  would  give  a  squeak,  or  the  trombone  resound 
through  the  vacant  halls  with  a  boom  like  the  last  trump, 
while  the  doctor  without  cessation  pounded  vigorously  on 
his  kettle-drum.  The  good  old  gentleman  was  insensible 
to  the  dreadful  discord.  He  saw  in  his  mind's  eye  the 
hall  thronged  with  a  happy  band  of  rejoicing  and  regener- 


THE    PHILOSOPHERS    OF  FOUFOUVILLE.  21 

ated  Harmonians,  and,  in  fancy,  heard  their  thousand 
voices  raised  in  a  chorus  of  praise  and  thanksgiving. 

Jack,  the  pet  poodle  of  Mrs.  Strongitharm,  and,  accord- 
ing to  the  "whispers  of  the  malicious,  the  chief  object  of 
her  affections  (for  women,  even  the  strong-minded,  must 
have  somebody  or  something  to  love) ,  was  frightened  al- 
most into  fits  by  the  direful  clamor  and  cowered  for 
safety  beside  his  mistress ;  but  a  blast  of  the  trombone 
drove  him  thence,  and  he  fled  with  his  tail  between  his 
legs,  and  trembling  with  terror,  into  the  farthest  corner 
of  the  room. 

A  ring  was  heard  at  the  door-bell,  and  the  dog  set  up  a 
loud  barking. 

"Peewit,"  said  Mrs.  Strongitharm,  pointing  to  the 
door,  which  her  obedient  husband  proceeded  to  open,  hit- 
ting the  dog  a  rap  over  the  head  with  his  flageolet  as  he 
passed.    The  beast  howled. 

"  Wretch ! "  screamed  Mrs.  Strongitharm,  springing  for- 
ward and  snatching  up  the  poodle  in  her  arms. 

The  howl  and  the  scream  so  startled  the  musicians  that, 
with  the  exception  of  the  doctor,  they  all  stopped  play- 
ing ;  the  professor  giving  a  sigh  of  relief  as  he  laid  down 
his  bow.  As  to  the  doctor  he  kept  on  beating  his  drum, 
heedless  of  the  interruption,  and  in  fact  quite  unconscious 
that  he  was  playing  solo.  He  perceived  his  error  just 
as  Mr.  Peewit  re-entered  the  room  accompanied  by  a 
well-dressed  young  gentleman  about  twenty-four  years 
of  age,  with  a  carpet-bag  in  one  hand  and  a  flute  in 
the  other. 

"  Leander  Lovell ! "  exclaimed  the  doctor,  jumping  up, 
knocking  over  the  kettle-drum,  which  rolled  in  a  great 
circle  around  the  room,  and  giving  the  visitor  a  vigorous 


22  THE    PHILOSOPHERS    OF  FOUFOVVILLE. 

shake  of  the  hand.    "  So  you,  too,  have  become  converted. 
This  is  really  encouraging." 

"  I  have  come,  sir,"  answered  Mr.  Lovell,  "  in  the  hope 
of  being  received  into  the  Society  of  New  Utopians,  —  I 
beg  pardon,  —  I  mean  Harmonians." 

All  eyes  were  directed  towards  the  new-comer ;  those 
of  Professor  Malpest  with  an  indescribable  expression, 
but  which  certainly  was  not  one  of  pleasure.  Miss  Good- 
enough  colored  visibly. 

"  This  is  truly  a  triumph  for  the  cause,"  said  the  doc- 
tor, turning  towards  the  company,  and  holding  Lovell  by 
the  hand.  "  Only  a  week  ago  my  young  friend  was  still 
devoted  to  worldly  pursuits,  and  my  most  convincing 
arguments  seemed  lost  upon  him.  He  and  brother  Nich- 
olas had  a  dispute  in  my  presence,  —  I  may  even  say,  an 
acrimonious  dispute,  —  about  the  utility  and  practicability 
of  our  enterprise.  But,  behold !  he  is  here.  Such  is  the 
power  of  reason.  Did  I  not  tell  you  it  would  be  so? 
Soon  you  will  see  them  come  streaming  in  by  hun- 
dreds and  by  thousands.  "We  must  set  about  building  a 
new  phalanstery  at  once.  Brethren,  welcome  our  new 
brother." 

The  initiatory  ceremonies  of  Mr.  Lovell's  reception  into 
the  society  consisted  of  a  bow  from  Professor  Malpest, 
a  nod  and  a  grin  from  Mr.  Peewit,  a  stiff  courtesy  from 
Mrs.  Strongitharm,  a  courtesy  and  a  simper  from  Miss  Grif- 
fin, a  furtive  glance  and  a  slight  pressure  of  the  hand 
from  Miss  Goodenough. 

"  Brother  Joseph,"  said  the  doctor  to  Mr.  Peewit, 
"  Leander  would  doubtless  like  to  partake  of  some  refresh- 
ment after  his  journey." 


THE    PHILOSOPHERS    OF  FOUFOUVILLE.  23 

"  Let  me  give  no  trouble,"  answered  Lovell ;  "  a  bit  of 
cold  meat  will  suffice,  with  a  cigar  afterwards." 

"  Meat !  Tobacco  !  "  exclaimed  the  doctor. 

"Ah !  excuse  me,  I  forgot,"  answered  Lovell. 

Mr.  Peewit  went  out  to  cut  some  bread,  there  being 
nothing  else,  accompanied  by  Mrs.  Strongitharm,  as  if 
to  show  him  how  to  do  it. 

Miss  Griffin  left  the  apartment  to  prepare  Mr.  Lovell's 
room  for  him. 

"  This  is  a  glorious  beginning,"  said  the  doctor,  catch- 
ing Professor  Malpest  by  the  button-hole ;  "I  feel  posi- 
tively hilarious." 

"  It  is  the  happiest  day  of  my  life,"  answered  the  pro- 
fessor, with  a  scowl  as  he  observed  Lovell  conversing  in 
an  undertone  with  Miss  Goodenough,  who  was  still  seated 
by  her  harp. 

"  Leander,  this  is  a  delightful  surprise,"  said  she ; 
"  are  you  in  earnest  in  joining  us  ?  " 

"  I  shall  remain  as  long  as  you  do,  Cherry,"  said  he. 
"  When  I  called  on  your  father  a  week  ago,  intending  to 
ask  his  consent  to  our  marriage,  Professor  Malpest  unfor- 
tunately happened  to  be  with  him." 

"  The  odious  man  ! "  said  Miss  Charity. 

"  And  as  if  the  fellow  divined  the  object  of  my  com- 
ing," continued  Lovell,  "  he  immediately  drew  me  into  a 
discussion  about  this  Quixotic  scheme  of  your  father's, 
and,  as  I  abhor  dissimulation,  I  expressed  my  opinion  in 
rather  stronger  language  than  was  becoming  or  prudent. 
Fool  that  I  was,  not  to  perceive  that  in  ridiculing  the 
New  Utopians  I  was  injuring  my  own  prospects.  Your 
father  became  exceedingly  indignant,  and  almost  ordered 
me  out  of  the  house.    Malpest  smiled,  and  I  saw,  when 


24  THE    PHILOSOPHERS    OF  FOUFOUVILLE. 

too  late,  that  he  had  outwitted  me  ;  but  when  I  heard  that 
you  had  actually  removed  to  Harmony  Hall,  I  determined 
on  a  coup  de  guerre,  and  have  come  here  with  the  deliber- 
ate intention  of  acting  the  hypocrite." 

"  How  good  of  you,  Lenny !  "  said  Miss  Charity. 

"  I  fancy  our  new  brother's  supper  must  be  ready,"  said 
Professor  Malpest,  taking  advantage  of  a  pause  in  the 
doctor's  self-congratulations.  "He  will  not  find  it  quite 
equal  to  those  to  which  he  has  been  accustomed  in  the 
metropolis  ;  but  then,  of  course,  he  has  not  come  amongst 
us  in  search  of  pleasure." 

"  Of  course,"  retorted  Lovell,  in  a  tone  that  was  in- 
tended to  be  significantly  sarcastic ;  "  no  one  could  be 
base  enough  to  join  in  Dr.  Goodenough's  philanthropical 
projects  from  interested  motives." 

Mr.  Peewit  now  looked  in  and  nodded  his  head. 

"  Your  bread  and  water  await  you,  sir,  in  the  banquet 
hall,"  said  the  professor. 

"  A  crust  of  bread,  sir,"  answered  Lovell,  with  a  lofty 
air,  "  will  taste  better  to  me  here  than  fried  oysters  else- 
where." 

"  Ha ! "  cried  the  doctor,  slapping  him  on  the  back, 
"  j^ou  are  a  true  Harmonian.  Does  not  Marcus  Aurelius 
tell  us  that  to  be  happy  we  have  only  to  regard  with 
indifference  that  which  is  of  itself  indifferent  ?  And  do 
we  not  all  know  that  the  pleasures  of  this  world  are  of 
little  account?" 

The  evening  concluded  with  a  simple  prayer  by  Dr. 
Goodenough.  He  thanked  his  Creator  for  his  numberless 
blessings,  and  invoked  his  aid  in  the  prosecution  of  the 
great  work  so  auspiciously  commenced  that  day. 

Professor  Malpest  responded  with  a  loud  "  Amen." 


THE    PHILOSOPHERS    OF  FOUFOUVILLE.  25 

When  the  parties  separated  for  the  night,  Peewit,  from 
sheer  force  of  habit,  was  about  to  follow  his  wife,  but  she 
almost  petrified  him  with  an  indignant  look  and  the  words, 
"  Sir,  you  forget  where  you  are.  Your  apartment  is  at 
the  other  end  of  the  house." 
3 


26  THE    pniLOSOPnERS    OF   FOVFOUVILLE. 


CHAPTER    II. 

In  which  Matters  and  Things  at  Harmony  Hall  are  ar- 
ranged to  the  Satisfaction  of  Everybody. 

It  was  Dr.  Goodenougk's  intention  to  so  regulate  the 
internal  economy  of  his  household  that  the  community 
should  be  entirely  self-supporting,  and  the  phalanstery 
contain  within  its  bounds  all  that  could  be  needed  for  the 
corporeal  or  spiritual  wants  of  its  inhabitants,  so  that 
they  might  dwell  perpetually  in  a  world  of  their  own,  free 
from  the  contaminating  influence  of  those  whose  ways 
were  not  their  ways.  In  pursuance  of  this  plan  it  was 
intended  that  all  the  work  should  be  done  by  the  II  ar- 
monians  themselves,  and  a  division  of  labor  was  agreed 
upon,  by  which  the  gentlemen  were  to  attend  to  the  out- 
of-doors  work,  while  the  ladies  took  charge  of  the  house- 
hold duties.  This  arrangement  was  not  only  assented  to, 
but  was  actually  recommended,  by  the  ladies  themselves, 
notwithstanding  it  was  the  method  that  prevailed  outside 
of  the  precincts  of  Harmony  Hall,  and  notwithstanding 
Mrs.  Strongitharm's  oft-repeated  assertion,  that  "  woman 
was  capable  of  doing  whatever  man  could  do/'  But  the 
first  day's  experience  of  this  system  demonstrated  the 
impossibility  of  carrying  it  out  to  the  letter  until  some 
more  useful  proselytes  should  arrive. 

The  brothers  and  sisters  had  assembled  in  the  banquet 
hall  for  breakfast,  the  set  hour  for  which  had  long  passed, 
when  a  loud  cry  for  aid  was  heard  from  the  kitchen.     Mr. 


THE    PHILOSOPHERS    OF   F0UF0VV1LLE.  27 

Peewit,  the  cook,  had  rashly  undertaken  to  provide  boiled 
rice  for  the  morning  meal,  and  had  accordingly  filled  a 
large  pot  with  the  cereal,  and  then  poured  in  water  up  to 
the  brim.  As  the  mixture  became  warm  the  rice  began 
to  swell,  and  Peewit  to  skim  it  off.  But,  as  the  mess  grew 
hotter  and  hotter,  the  rice  swelled  faster  and  faster ;  and 
by  the  time  the  water  boiled,  the  bewildered  Peewit,  who 
had  filled  every  plate,  dish,  and  other  utensil  at  hand  with 
rice,  and  beheld  it  still  rising  over  the  pot,  and  dropping 
and  hissing  on  the  hot  stove,  as  lava  pours  from  Vesuvius, 
became  apprehensive  that  the  stuff  was  bewitched,  and 
yelled  for  assistance.  The  ludicrous  sight  that  met  the 
eyes  of  the  company,  when  they  rushed  into  the  kitchen, 
convinced  them  that  Peewit  had  not  yet  found  his  Voca- 
tion. 

The  attempt  of  the  Harmonians  to  carry  on  the  agri- 
cultural operations  of  the  phalanstery,  by  their  own  un- 
aided labor,  began  as  unsuccessfully  as  their  abortive 
experiments  in  cooking.  As  it  was  quite  time  to  com- 
mence ploughing,  the  implement  was  got  ready  (for  the 
foresight  of  Professor  Malpest  had  provided  for  every- 
thing) ,  and  the  doctor  marshalled  his  forces  for  the  work. 
As  none  of  the  gentlemen  had  any  practical  knowledge 
of  the  use  of  the  plough,  Mr.  Lovell  proposed  that  Mrs. 
Strongitharm  should  turn  a  few  furrows,  as  women  were 
so  much  superior  to  men ;  but  the  lady  indignantly  rejected 
the  proposition,  and,  giving  Lovell  a  withering  glance, 
delegated  the  duty  to  Peewit,  saying,  "  We  are  both  one." 

Mr.  Peewit  accordingly  grasped  the  reins  in  one  hand, 
and  the  handle  of  the  plough  in  the  other,  and  rather  hesi- 
tatingly ordered  the  horse  to  "  get  up."  The  docile  ani- 
mal obeyed  the  figurative  order,  but,  in  starting,  jerked 


28  THE    rniLOSOPUERS    OF    FOUFOUVILLE. 

the  reins  out  of  Peewit's  hands.  The  gentleman  ran  for 
ward  to  catch  them,  and,  in  doing  so,  inadvertently  pin 
his  foot  in  front  of  the  plough,  the  consequence  being  that 
a  furrow  was  made  in  his  flesh  instead  of  in  the  ground, 
which  made  him  feelingly  aware  that  though  flesh  and 
dust  may  be  chemically  and  theologically  similar,  there: 
is,  nevertheless,  some  occult  difference  between  them.  A 
stone  that  fortunately  stood  in  the  way  of  the  share  partly 
protected  the  foot,  so  that  the  injury  was  slight,  but  it 
obliged  Peewit  (not  much  against  his  will)  to  give  up 
work  for  the  rest  of  the  day. 

Lovell  now  took  the  reins,  but,  never  having  ploughed 
through  anything  harder  or  deeper  than  the  mud  in  the 
streets  of  New  York,  his  efforts  to  turn  the  sod  were 
quite  unsuccessful. 

Peewit  and  Lovell  having  failed,  the  doctor  tried  his 
hand.  He  made  a  pretty  good  start,  and  looked  around 
with  a  somewhat  triumphant  expression  at  his  crestfallen 
competitors,  but  the  plough  catching  in  a  root,  the  old  gen- 
tleman was  thrown  violently  on  the  ground,  where  he  sat 
gazing  in  bewildered  amazement  as  the  horse  trotted  off 
by  himself. 

Professor  Malpest  now  undertook  the  work ;  but  he 
made  a  furrow  only  about  two  and  a  half  inches  deep, 
which  was  pronounced  by  all  present,  and  by  none  more 
loudly  than  himself,  to  be  a  lamentable  failure. 

The  necessity  of  extraneous  aid  was  now  apparent, 
even  the  doctor  acknowledging  the  fact,  though  with  a 
heavy  heart;  so  the  professor  posted  to  the  city,  where 
he  engaged  the  seiwices  of  a  red-haired  Irish  woman, 
named  Bridget  O'Brien,  as  cook,  and  of  Mary  Short,  a 
neat,  tidy  girl,  as  chambermaid  and  waitress,  while  a 


THE    PHILOSOPHERS    OF   FOUFOUVILLE.  29 

Welchman,  one  John  Long,  was  hired  as  gardener,  or 
rather  rnan-of-all-work. 

Oar  limited  time  and  space  will  not  permit  us  to  give  a 
detailed  account  of  the  daily  doings  at  Harmony  Hall, 
nor  perhaps  are  the  events  themselves  of  sufficient  inter- 
est to  the  public  to  warrant  our  doing  so,  nor  is  it  neces- 
sary to  our  purpose  that  we  should  state  more  than  a  few 
of  the  most  important  occurrences  that  took  place,  leav- 
ing in  oblivion  those  trivial  incidents  on  which  an  inferior 
writer  would  expatiate ;  our  object  in  this  narrative  being 
simply  to  present  to  the  reader  a  succinct  and  impartial 
account  of  the  causes  of  the  decline  and  fall  of  the  Society 
of  Harmonians  (popularly  known  as  the  New  Utopians), 
and  the  consequent  unfortunate  failure  of  Dr.  Goode- 
nough's  philanthropical  projects  for  the  amelioration  of 
the  condition  of  mankind,  — projects  that  have  been  much 
misrepresented  by  a  prejudiced  and  conservative  press, 
which,  not  content  with  occasional  abuse,  has  actually 
been  known  to  ridicule  them,  and  even  to  speak  of  the 
doctor  himself  with  levity;  but  such  was  ever  the  fate 
of  those  who  were  in  advance  of  their  age,  and  have 
sought  to  benefit  their  ungrateful  species.  Socrates  and 
Joe  Smith  are  familiar  examples. 

John  Long,  fortunately  for  the  community,  proved  to 
be  a  faithful  and  efficient  man,  and  at  once  began  ploughing 
and  planting  in  earnest.  He  grumbled  a  good  deal  at 
first  at  the  necessity  of  a  vegetable  diet,  declaring  that  he 
could  not  work  without  meat,  and  would  have  to  leave 
unless  it  was  provided  for  him.  It  was  in  vain  that  the 
doctor  argued  with  him  for  more  than  an  hour,  quoting 
freely  from  Galen  and  Hippocrates,  and  holding  up  the 
example  of  the  Pythagoreans  ;  the  Welshman  was  obdu- 
3* 


30  THE    PIIILOSOPIIEES    OF   FOVFOUVILLE. 

rate.  But  where  the  doctor  had  not  succeeded  the  pro- 
fessor prevailed,  and,  after  a  five  minutes'  discussion,  so 
completely  satisfied  Long  with  his  lot,  that  he  cheerfully 
consented  to  remain. 

The  professor  could  not  be  induced  to  reveal  the  argu- 
ments by  which  he  had  wrought  so  sudden  a  conversion. 

"The  modesty  of  Brother  Nicholas  is  equal  to  his 
merit,"  said  the  doctor. 

It  was  not  until  the  final  breaking  up  at  Harmony  Hall 
that  Bridget,  the  cook,  divulged  the  secret,  that  the  pro- 
fessor, in  consideration  of  the  fact  that  Long  was  not  an 
actual  member  of  the  society,  allowed  him  a  weekly 
ration  of  one  rump  of  beef,  and  stewed  kidneys  ad  libitum, 
all  of  which  was  cooked  surreptitiously  at  night. 

The  domestics  being  installed,  everybody  appeared  to 
be  contented.  The  doctor  withdrew  into  his  study,  where, 
surrounded  by  a  pile  of  huge  volumes,  he  busied  himself 
in  preparing  (against  the  advice  of  his  publisher)  a  new 
edition  of  his  three  immortal  works,  "  The  New  Utopia," 
"The  Regeneration  of  Man,"  and  "  Physiological  Studies 
on  the  Development  of  Healthy  Offspring."  He  kept  up  a 
voluminous  correspondence  with  reformers  and  enthusi- 
asts, male  and  female,  in  different  parts  of  the  world,  and 
also  devoted  much  time  to  the  consideration  of  various 
plans,  projects,  and  designs  connected  with  the  carrying 
out  of  his  benevolent  scheme  (none  of  which,  unhappily, 
were  realized).  From  time  to  time  he  would  emerge 
from  his  seclusion,  in  order  to  see  what  was  going  on, 
and  to  give  advice  to  everybody. 

"  Should  the  sexes  be  evenly  divided,"  he  said,  one  day, 
"  there  will  be  five  hundred  brothers  and  as  many  sisters 
in  each  phalanstery.     Four  hundred  and  twenty-five  of 


THE    PIULOSOPHERS    OF   FOUFOUVILLE.  31 

the  men  will  be  obliged  to  devote  themselves  to  agricul- 
ture, so  as  to  provide  subsistence  for  themselves  and  the 
rest  of  the  community  ;  fifty  of  them  will  be  engaged  in 
manufacturing  the  clothing  and  numberless  miscellaneous 
articles  needed,  while  the  bakers,  carpenters,  blacksmiths, 
etc.,  will  comprise  the  rest ;  but  what  to  do  with  all  the 
women  I  cannot  determine.  This  is  a  problem  that  has 
caused  me  much  anxious  thought  and  serious  disquietude." 

Miss  Griffin  suggested  that  they  be  married  to  the  five 
hundred  men. 

Mr.  Peewit  said  they  would  have  enough  to  do  as 
nurses  to  all  the  children ;  whereupon  Mrs.  Strongitharm 
requested  him  to  be  so  good  as  to  keep  his  advice  to 
himself  until  it  was  asked.  She  could  keep  the  women  at 
work. 

Miss  Goodenough  and  Mr.  Lovell  declined  to  express 
an  opinion,  as  they  had  not  thought  of  the  matter  at  all. 

Professor  Malpest  said  that  he  had  considered  this  em- 
barrassing subject  profoundly  ;  and,  after  long  meditation 
upon  it,  had  come  to  the  conclusion  that  it  would  perhaps 
be  advisable  to  wait  until  the  parties  had  actually  arrived, 
before  endeavoring  to  decide  it. 

The  professor,  as  financier  and  general  manager,  was 
the  most  busy  man  in  the  establishment,  with  the  excep- 
tion of  the  doctor.  Mr.  Lovell  offered  his  services  as 
book-keeper,  but  with  singular  self-abnegation  the  profes- 
sor declined  them,  saying,  "  he  could  find  time,  between 
the  intervals  of  his  other  labors,  to  keep  the  accounts 
himself." 

The  doctor,  however,  occasionally  had  work  for  Lovell 
in  the  office. 


32  tiie  rniLOSOPHEits  of  foufouville. 

Mrs.  Strongitharm  was  an  exacting,  if  not  tyrannical 
and  overbearing  house-keeper. 

Miss  Griffin  continued  making  notes  on  "  the  co-rela- 
tion of  the  sexes." 

Miss  Goodenougk  passed  her  time  in  worsted  work  and 
embroidery. 

As  to  Messrs.  Lovell  and  Peewit,  they  undertook  to 
assist  John  Long  on  the  farm,  —  he  to  do  the  ploughing,  the 
harrowing,  the  digging,  the  heavy  work  in  short ;  while 
they  did  the  hoeing,  planting,  trimming,  etc. ;  but,  al- 
though he  kept  a  sharp  eye  on  them,  they  made  so  many 
mistakes,  planting  the  peas  in  hills,  sowing  the  melon- 
seed  and  corn  broadcast,  pulling  up  his  early  spring  rad- 
ishes, which  they  mistook  for  weeds,  and  committing  such 
other  enormities,  that  he  finally  begged  them,  as  a  favor,  to 
bestow  their  services  on  some  one  else. 

"  Vegetables,"  said  Miss  Griffin,  "  are  merely  coarse 
food  for  the  body ;  but  flowers,  beautiful  flowers,  speak 
the  voice  of  nature  to  the  mind,  and  feed  the  soul  with 
inspiration." 

"  Oh,  how  I  doat  on  flowers  ! "  said  Miss  Charity. 

So  the  two  gentlemen  —  to  the  relief  of  Long  —  set 
themselves  to  work  to  lay  out  a  garden  in  rear  of  the 
building.  The  ground  plan  was  not  unlike  that  of  a 
church  ;  for  there  was  a  broad  walk  down  the  middle,  and 
one  on  each  side,  like  the  three  aisles,  while  at  the  lower 
end,  a  grove  of  trees,  between  which  they  constructed 
some  rustic  seats,  would  do  for  the  chancel. 

Mr.  Peewit  proposed  to  put  a  fountain  in  the  centre  ; 
but  the  water  supply  proved  an  insuperable  difficult}'-. 
Lovell  thought  it  might  be  accomplished  by  the  aid  of  a 
ram  ;  but  as  Peewit  did  not  think  a  ram  could  be  equal  to 


THE   PHILOSOPHERS    OF  FOUFOUVILLE.  33 

a  single  horse-power,  and  the  horse  was  needed  in  the 
field  operations,  the  project  was  abandoned. 

Thus,  for  a  week  or  two,  everything  went  on  serenely 
at  Harmony  Hall.  Compared  with  the  New  Utopians, 
the  Happy  Family  at  the  museum  was  merely  a  collection 
of  discontented  prisoners.  But  this  felicity  was  apparent 
rather  than  real.  Clouds  were  gathering,  as  will  be  nar- 
rated in  the  next  chapter. 


34  THE    PniLOSOMERS    OF   FOUFOUVILLE. 


CHAPTER    III. 

Symptoms  of  Discord  appear  in  Harmony  Hall. 

One  afternoon  Miss  Griffin,  pencil  and  tablets  in  hand 
as  usual,  seated  herself  under  the  trees  at  the  end  of  the 
garden,  as  if  with  literary  intentions.  Miss  Goodenough 
was  planting  some  rosebushes,  while  Messrs.  Lovell  and 
Peewit  were  exceedingly  busy  sowing  seeds  along  the 
borders  near  the  side  walls.  And  we  will  mention  here 
that  when  the  young  plants  came  up  a  week  or  so  after- 
wards, the  two  ladies  were  quite  surprised  to  find  that 
they  formed  the  words,  "  Charity,"  and  "  Minerva,"  ap- 
parently written  on  the  earth  in  the  softest  green.  Mr. 
Peewit  said  that  the  latter  was  a  token  of  gratitude  for 
the  bread  poultice  with  which  Miss  Griffin  had  dressed 
his  injured  foot ;  for  this  young  lady,  having  attended 
some  lectures  at  the  Female  Medical  College,  had  consti- 
tuted herself  the  physician  and  surgeon  of  Harmony  Hall. 
The  secretaryship  had  been  appropriated  by  Professor 
Malpest. 

She  was  soon  joined  by  Miss  Goodenough,  who  sat 
down  by  her  side  to  rest  a  while,  as  she  said,  although  the 
true  reason  was  that  she  had  been  annoyed  by  the  pro- 
fessor staring  at  her  from  his  office  window. 

"  My  dear,"  said  Miss  Griffin,  —  for  such  was  the  affec- 
tionate epithet  with  which  she  usually  addressed  Miss 
Goodenough,  —  "  my  dear,  have  you  not  observed  some- 


THE    PHILOSOPHERS    OF   FOUFOUVILLE.  35 

thing  peculiar  of  late  in  the  manner  of  Professor  Malpest 
towards  a  certain  lady  in  this  establishment  ?  " 

Now  here  it  may  be  well  to  observe  that  the  professor 
was  always  obsequiously  polite  to  the  sex  in  general  with- 
out regard  to  age  or  beauty ;  and  this  extreme  courtesy 
being  something  to  which  Miss  Griffin  was  not  accus- 
tomed, she  had  taken  it  in  the  vanity  of  her  heart,  as  a 
tribute  of  admiration  to  herself.  We  will  furthermore 
state  that  Miss  Goodenough  had  noticed  that  while  the 
gentleman  was  polite  to  all,  he  was  particularly  deferen- 
tial and  attentive  to  her.  In  the  music  hall  the  violin 
•and  harp  were  placed  side  by  side,  while  the  flute  was 
posted  on  the  opposite  side  of  the  orchestra.  Whenever 
she  and  Mr.  Lovell  commenced  working  in  the  garden 
together,  the  professor  was  almost  certain  to  make  his 
appearance,  and  bore  them  with  a  dissertation  on  horti- 
culture, or  some  other  subject,  apparently  forgetful  of  the 
old  adage  that  three  spoil  company.  If  they  persisted 
in  continuing  their  work  together,  he  would  leave  them 
after  a  while,  but  his  exit  was  invariably  followed  by  a 
message  from  her  father  asking  her  to  come  and  recite 
her  Greek  .lesson,  or  to  practise  some  new  piece  on  the 
harp,  which  not  unfrequently  was  a  duet  with  the  violin. 

All  this  Miss  Charity  had  remarked,  and  she  therefore 
naturally  supposed  that  Miss  Griffin's  question  had  refer- 
ence to  herself.  And  were  we  writing  a  romance,  and 
were  she  our  heroine,  it  would  be  our  duty  to  make  her 
answer  in  the  affirmative  ;  but,  as  we  are  merely  giving  a 
faithful  and  impartial  account  of  some  of  the  events  that 
took  place  at  Harmony  Hall,  we  feel  constrained  to  ac- 
knowledge that,  with  a  most  reprehensible  disregard  for 
strict  veracity,  she  replied  that  she  had  not  observed  any- 


36  the  pnnosornEns  of  foufoufizle. 

thing  peculiar  in  the  professor's  manner  towards  anybody. 
"Why  she  answered  thus,  we  do  not  know.  Being  of  the 
male  sex,  we  cannot  pretend  to  fathom  the  motives  of 
woman.  Could  it  have  been  an  affectation  of  modesty, 
or  that  love  of  dissimulation  which  is  said  to  be  inborn 
in  the  sex?  Truly,  as  Miss  Griffin  asserted,  there  is  a 
fundamental  difference  between  the  sexes.  Were  one 
man  to  insinuate  to  another  that  he  had  made  a  favorable 
impression  on  a  lady's  heart,  how  few  would  deny  the 
soft  impeachment ! 

Miss  Griffin  seemed  somewhat  taken  aback  at  Miss, 
Goodenough's  answer,  and  replied,  — 

"Then  all  I  have  to  say  is,  that  some  folks  can't  see 
with  their  eyes  open." 

"Listen  to  me,  Minerva  Griffin,"  said  Miss  Charity; 
"  that  odious  man  may,  or  may  not  be  serious  in  his  at- 
tentions to  me,  but  of  this  you  can  rest  assured,  I  never, 
never  will  have  him." 

"  Why,  my  dear,  foolish  child,"  cried  the  elder  lady, 
"do  you -suppose  he  is  thinking  of  you!  A  man  of  his 
years  and  attainments  wants  a  woman  of  corresponding 
qualifications." 

"  Then  all  I  have  to  say  is,  that  I  hope  he  may  get 
what  he  deserves,"  answered  Miss  Charity,  with  perhaps 
a  slight  touch  of  malice. 

"And  what  does  he  not  deserve,"  replied  Miss  Griffin, 
enthusiastically  ;  "  a  man  of  such  elevated  sentiments,  so 
accomplished,  so  delicate,  is  worthy  of  any  woman's  es- 
teem. But  how  true  is  ihe  old  sa3'ing,  that  only  mind 
can  appreciate  mind !  You  are  as  yet  too  young  and 
thoughtless,  my  dear,  to  comprehend  that  sweet  inter- 


THE    PHILOSOPHERS    OF   FOUFOUVILLE.  37 

communion  of  soul  with  soul,  thatje  ne  sais  quoi,  that — 
Why,  look !  here  he  comes  through  the  garden." 

"  Then  I  shall  escape  this  way,"  said  Miss  Charity ; 
and,  suiting  the  action  to  the  word,  she  hastily  passed  out 
of  the  grove,  and  directed  her  steps  to  the  melon-patch 
where  Mr.  Lovell  was  trying  to  remedy  his  error  of  hav- 
ing sown  the  seeds  broadcast. 

The  elder  lady  took  up  her  pencil  and  tablets  and  be- 
gan writing.  She  at  once  became  so  absorbed  in  her 
occupation  that  she  seemed  quite  startled  and  looked  up 
with  an  air  of  surprise  when  Professor  Malpest  stood  be- 
fore her  a  moment  afterwards.  He  appeared  somewhat 
flustered  at  finding  himself  in  the  presence  of  Miss 
Griffin,  who  observed  the  change  in  his  countenance,  and 
assumed  a  responsive  appearance  of  embarrassment. 

"  Pardon  me,  madam,"  stammered  the  gentleman,  "  I 
was  not  aware  that  you  were  here  —  that  is  to  say  — 
alone.  I  will  not  interrupt  your  meditations ;  I  will 
withdraw." 

"It  is  no  interruption  I  assure  you,"  cried  the  lady, 
as  the  professor  was  backing  out.  "  I  was  merely  jotting 
down  a  few  ideas  according  to  the  inspiration  of  the 
moment.  Woman's  equality  with  man  will  one  day  be 
recognized." 

"  She  is  superior,  madam,  superior,"  answered  the 
professor,  with  a  bow. 

"  That  is  too  much  to  claim  for  all  women,"  said  Miss 
Griffin. 

"But  some  are,"  replied  the  gentleman,  looking  sig- 
nificantly at  the  lady,  who  modestly  cast  down  Irer  eyes, 
not  knowing  that  he  would  have  said  and  done  the  same 
thing  had  any  other  of  the  sex  been  in  her  place. 
4 


38  THE    PniLOSOPHERS    OF    FOUFOUFILLE. 

"  Woman  was  not  created  to  exist  alone,"  said  the 
lady,  after  a  pause. 

"  Nor  man  either,"  answered"  the  professor. 

"  I  believe,"  said  Miss  Minerva,  "  it  was  a  Greek 
philosopher  who  gave  utterance  to  that  beautiful  idea  of 
the  duality  of  the  soul, —  that  each  man  and  woman  pos- 
sesses but  the  half  of  one,  and  hence  each  is  constantly 
seeking  its  mate." 

"I  am  afraid,"  said  the  professor,  "that  the  right 
halves  don't  often  come  together." 

"  Alas !  it  is  too  true,"  replied  the  lady ;  "  and  the 
reason  is  because,  in  obedience  to  the  requirements  of 
puritanical  laws,  — 

"  '  Woman  still  must  veil  tho  shrino 
Where  feeling  hides  Love's  fire  divine.' 

But  I  scorn  to  be  shackled  by  public  opinion ;  I  am 
above  the  petty  prejudices  of  the  age.  Nature  is  my 
guide.  Do  you  not  agree  with  me  that  society  requires 
a  radical  change?  " 

"  Oh,  yes,  madam,  —  certainly,"  answered  the  professor, 
somewhat  abstractedly,  as  he  caught  sight  of  two  figures 
in  the  distant  melon-patch. 

"  I  knew  that  your  sentiments  accorded  with  mine," 
said  Miss  Minerva ;  "  such  is  the  power  of  sympathy. 
And  may  I  ask  if  you  have  never  experienced  that  yearn- 
ing of  the  soul,  that  longing  of  the  heart  for  one  congenial 
spirit  to  minister  to  your  happiness  ?  " 

"  "Well,  madam,"  answered  the  gentleman,  "  since  you 
put  the»question  to  me  directly,  I  will  confess  that  I  have 
sometimes  thought  it  might  be  advisable  for  me  to  get  a 
wife." 


THE    PHILOSOPHERS    OF   FOUFOVVILLE.  39 

"  One,"  said  Miss  Minerva,  "  of  an  affectionate,  con- 
fiding, artless  disposition,  whose  intellectual  and  physical 
powers  are  in  full  bloom." 

"  All  that  is  desirable,  of  course,"  said  Professor  Mal- 
pest. 

"  I  have  already  divined  your  thoughts,"  said  the  lady, 
laying  her  hand  on  the  professor's  arm.  He  started 
slightly  as  he  fixed  his  keen  black  eyes  upon  her.  "  You 
have  been  seen  watching'  her  as  she  moved  about ;  and  I 
have  noticed  the  almost  imperceptible  confusion  in  your 
manner  when  addressing  her  ;  your  apparent  endeavor  to 
avoid  her  at  times  when  she  has  sought  to  converse  with 
you,  as  if  you  feared  the  effect  of  the  interview.  And 
now,  sir,  know  that  the  lady  has  not  been  insensible  to 
your  attentions ;  know  that  your  feelings  are  recipro- 
cated." 

"Are  you  sure  of  what  you  say?"  said  the  professor, 
with  unfeigned  surprise. 

"  I  ought  to  be  sure  of  it,"  answered  Miss  Griffin,  "  for 
no  one  knows  her  heart  better  than  I  do." 

"  True,"  muttered  the  professor  to  himself,  "they  have 
been  much  together  of  late  ;  and  then  these  women  can't 
keep  anything  to  themselves." 

"  And  has  not  the  passional  attraction  of  Nature 
already  whispered  it  to  you  ? "  continued  Miss  Minerva, 
casting  down  her  eyes. 

"Can't  say  it  has,"  replied  the  gentleman;  "in  fact, 
she  has  always  acted  as  if  her  preference  —  was  rather  — 
given  to  another ;  and  I  was  induced  to  think  that  such 
was  the  case." 

"  How  easily  you  men  are  deceived ! "  said  Miss  Griffin. 


40  THE    PHILOSOPHERS    OF   FOUFOUVJLLE. 

"  You  have  not  that  intuitive  perception  of  motives  pos- 
sessed by  us." 

"  I  must  confess,"  answered  Professor  Malpest,  "  I  did 
not  suppose  that  any  one  had  penetrated  my  design." 

"  Now  that  you  are  discovered,",  said  the  lad}T,  archly, 
"  I  presume  you  will  not  hesitate  to  speak  openly." 

"I  do  not  think  it  best  to  be  precipitate,"  answered 
the  gentleman,  "because  I  fear  Dr.  Goodenough  might 
not  be  willing  to  consent  as  yet  on  account  of  her  age." 

Miss  Griffin  was  completely  thunderstruck  (metaphori- 
cally) by  this  observation  of  the  professor's,  and  not 
knowing  exactly  how  to  take  it,  but  feeling  considerably 
nettled,  she  replied,  in  a  somewhat  indignant  tone,  as 
follows,  — 

"  I  know  not,  sir,  why  Dr.  Goodenough  need  be  con- 
sulted. Were  the  lady  as  old  as  yourself,  it  might  be 
inferred  that  you  coincided  in  his  peculiar  views,  as  to  the 
object  of  matrimony." 

"  I  should  not  trouble  myself  about  his  cranks,  if  I  once 
possessed  her,"  said  Malpest ;  "  but  before  marrying  her 
there  are  certain  preliminary  financial  arrangements  that 
I  wish  to  make." 

"  Men  are  ever  calculating  and  worldly,"  replied  Miss 
Griffin  ;  "  even  love  cannot  make  them  lose  sight  of  their 
dollars  and  cents.  How  different  is  woman ! — the  creature 
of  impulse.  But  I  shall  say  no  more,  sir.  Perhaps  I 
have  erred  in  saying  so  much ;  but  woman  was  ever 
artless  and  open.  Speak  to  the  doctor,  if  you  think  it 
necessary."  And  with  a  half  angry,  half  reproachful 
glance  at  the  professor,  the  still  irate  maiden  stalked 
majestically  out  of  the  grove,  and  passed  through  the 
garden  into  the  house. 


THE    PHILOSOPHERS    OF   FOUFOVVILLE.  41 

"  What  the  devil  can  be  the  matter  with  the  woman? " 
said  Professor  Malpest  to  himself.  "  Because  she  fancies 
Charity  has  a  penchant  for  me  (it  is  not  impossible  that 
the  girl  has  been  imposing  upon  her  for  some  ulterior 
object),  she  gets  into  a  huff  because  I  propose  asking  the 
consent  of  the  child's  father.  Queer  creatures  — women ! 
I  did  not  think  the  fruit  was  ripe  ;  but  there  may  possibly 
be  some  truth  in  what  she  says,  after  all ;  and,  if  not,  why 
what  the  girl  fancies,  or  don't  fancy,  is  of  little  conse- 
quence. Delays  are  dangerous.  I  will  hesitate  no 
longer."  And  so  soliloquizing,  the  professor  directed  his 
steps  towards  the  little  room  that  the  doctor  called  his 
study. 

Now  it  so  happened  that  there  was  a  stove-pipe  hole 
through  the  ceiling  of  the  doctor's  study  into  the  room 
above  it,  on  the  second  story,  which  was  used  by  Miss 
Griffin  as  a  dressing-room.  The  lady  was  walking  up 
and  down  the  floor,  really  somewhat  agitated  after  her 
interview  with  the  professor,  but  in  her  own  mind  greatly 
exaggerating  what  in  her  journal  she  calls  "  those  suffer- 
ings caused  by  conflicting  emotions  in  a  sensitive  bosom, 
which  almost  overpowered  me,"  when  she  distinctly  heard 
the  voice  of  the  professor,  in  conversation  with  the  doctor, 
in  the  room  below.  The  conflicting  emotions  would  seem 
about  this  time  to  have  been  too  much  for  Miss  Griffin, 
for  she  sank  down  upon  the  floor  directly  alongside  of  the 
stove-pipe  hole,  thus  unavoidably  overhearing  the  conver- 
sation between  the  two  gentlemen.  It  is  said  that  listen- 
ers never  hear  any  good  of  themselves,  and  Miss  Griffin 
was  destined  to  be  no  exception  to  the  rule. 

"  The  propagation  of  our  species,"  said  Professor  Mal- 
pest, "  is  one  of  the  primal  laws  of  our  being,  and  mar- 


42  THE    rUILOSOPBERS    OF   FOVFOUVILLE. 

riage  is  the  means  whereby  we  are  enabled  to  carry  out 
that  law.  My  conscience  tells  me  that  I  have  been  dere- 
lict to  my  duty,  in  having  so  long  delayed  the  fulfilment 
of  that  sacred  obligation." 

"My  dear  brother,"  answered  the  doctor,  "to  those 
who,  like  myself,  have  once  complied  with  the  divine 
injunction,  and  been  released  from  their  bonds  by  the 
severance  of  these  mortal  ties,  I  should  not  advise  a  repe- 
tition ;  but  with  those  who,  like  yourself,  have  never 
entered  into  the  connubial  state,  I  regard  the  intention 
of  doing  so  as  eminently  wise  and  meritorious.  May  I 
ask  if  you  have  selected  any  one  for  the  purpose  of  joining 
you  in  the  accomplishment  of  your  desires  ?  " 

"  I  have  thought  of  no  one  as  yet,"  answered  the  pro- 
fessor. ("  "What  dissimulation !  "  said  Miss  Minerva  to 
herself;  "  but  such  is  man.")  "  My  strong  sense  of  duty, 
however,  will  not  allow  me  to  dela}r  longer,  and  I  have 
come  to  you  to  ask  counsel  of  your  wisdom  and  experi- 
ence in  the  choice  of  a  suitable  partner  for  the  work." 

"It  appears  to  me,"  said  the  doctor,  after  meditating 
for  some  time,  "  that  sister  Minerva  possesses  the  requi- 
site qualifications." 

The  professor  made  an  exceedingly  wry  face,  which, 
however,  was  not  perceived  by  the  lady  who  sat  smiling 
and  blushing  by  the  stove-pipe  hole. 

"  Miss  Griffin  is  doubtless  an  estimable  person,"  an- 
swered the  professor ;  "  but  surely,  sir,  you  would  not 
have  this  solemn  engagement  entered  into  where  no  afiec- 
tion  existed  between  the  parties  ?  " 

("No  affection!"  murmured  Miss  Minerva.  "What 
can  the  man  mean  ?  ") 

"Aifection,"  replied  the  doctor,  "is  not  absolutely 


THE    PHILOSOPHERS    OF    FOUFOUVILLE.  43 

essential  to  the  successful  fulfilment  of  the  divine  com- 
mand, to  increase*  and  multiply.  Mutual  respect,  of 
course,  there  should  be ;  but  more  than  this,  my  dear 
brother,  leads  to  the  seeking  of  mere  carnal  gratification, 
in  which  the  great  end  to  be  obtained  is  lost  sight  of." 

"It  is  certain,"  said  the  professor,  "that  there  would 
be  no  danger  of  any  gratification  of  the  senses  with  Miss 
Griffin."  ("Oh,  the  slanderous  wretch  ! "  muttered  the 
incensed  young  woman.)  "But  I  fear  it  would  be  diffi- 
cult to  have  the  requisite  respect  for  a  lady  who  wears 
false  hair." 

("The  monster!"  exclaimed  Miss  Griffin,  "to  speak 
thus  of  my  water-fall !  To  traduce  a  virtuous  woman 
behind  her  back !  But  I'll  be  revenged  for  this.") 

"  I  respect  your  scruples,"  said  the  doctor,  "  but  know 
of  no  other  to  recommend  until  our  numbers  are  increased 
by  the  thousands  now  doubtless  on  the  way  to  join  us." 

There  was  a  long  pause,  and  then  Professor  Malpest 
tried  a  change  of  base. 

"  We  must  be  careful  that  no  black  sheep  find  their 
way  into  the  fold,"  said  he  ;  "  in  truth,  I  am  fearful  that 
there  are  some  such  here  now ;  persons  who  have  joined 
our  society  from  worldly  motives." 

"I  am   astonished,"  said  the  doctor.     "Can   such  a* 
thing  be  possible  ?    Whom  do  you  suspect  ?  " 

"  Youth  is  the  age  of  frivolity  and  unruly  passions," 
answered  the  professor.  "It  is  only  with  the  calmness 
of  mature  years  that  a  man  can  properly  comprehend,  and 
truly  live  up  to,  the  sublime  doctrines  of  the  New  Utopia. 
The  entry  of  a  young  man  amongst  us  looks  suspicious. 
We  should  be  on  our  guard  against  all  such." 

"  There  are  none  with  us  at  present,"  replied  the  doc- 


44  the  rniLOsornEiiS  of  foufouville. 

tor,  "  excepting  the  son  of  my  deceased  friend,  Lovell. 
He  long  seemed  insensible  to  the  irrefutable  logic  of  my 
arguments  ;  but  reason  finally  prevailed,  and  I  regard  his 
conversion  as  one  of  the  most  remarkable  triumphs  of  my 
life." 

"  Such  sudden  conversions  are  not  to  be  relied  on." 

"Brother,"  said  the  doctor,  "I  fear  that  your  long 
intercourse  "with  the  world  has  rendered  3'ou  too  mistrust- 
ful. What  possible  inducement  of  a  worldly  nature  could 
that  youth  have  for  joining  us?" 

"  Perhaps,  sir,  sister  Charity  could  give  you  some  in- 
formation on  that  point." 

"  Charity  is  a  mere  child.     "What  do  you  mean?  " 

"  Parents,"  answered  the  professor,  "  are  very  apt  to 
regard  children  as  children,  until  they  are  such  no  longer. 
Miss  Charity  is  young,  it  is  true,  but  still  she  is  verging 
on  that  age  —  that  age  —  when  the  feelings  of  the  girl  are 
deepened  into  the  passions  of  the  woman." 

"  Really,  brother  Nicholas,  you  alarm  me,"  said  the 
doctor.  "  If  this  is  unfortunately  true,  what  is  best  to 
be  done  ? " 

"  I  would  advise,"  said  the  professor,  "  that  she  be 
united  to  one  who,  through  the  holy  ceremony  of  mar- 
riage, can  enable  her  chastely  to  fulfil  her  woman's  mis- 
sion, —  to  one  whose  stormy  youth  is  over,  and  who  adds 
to  the. calmness  of  middle  age  a  profound  veneration  for 
yourself  and  the  noble  precepts  you  have  inculcated." 

(No  more  of  this  conversation,  we  regret  to  say,  has 
come  down  to  us.) 

"  A  light  breaks  in^upon  me,"  exclaimed  Miss  Minerva. 
"  Oh,  how  that  villain  has  deceived  me  ! " 

"  Who  has  been  deceiving  you  ?  "  said  Mrs.  Strongitharm, 


THE    PHILOSOPHERS    OF   FOUFOUVILLE.  45 

entering  the  room.  "  You  ought  to  be  ashamed  of  your- 
self, to  let  a  man  take  advantage  of  you.  I've  no  patience 
with  people  who  can't  protect  themselves.  No  man  ever 
yet  got  the  upper  hand  of  me." 

"  Nor  ever  tried  to,  I  presume,"  answered  Miss  Griffin, 
who  had  no  love  for  the  house-keeper,  notwithstanding  she 
was  a  masculine  personage. 

"  You  are  an  ungrateful,  weak-spirited  hussy,"  replied 
Mrs.  Strongitharm,  "  and  I  shall  have  no  more  to  say  to 

you." 

"  I  can  survive  the  loss,  madam,"  answered  Miss 
Griffin. 

"  A  pretty  scandal  you  are  bringing  on  the  community," 
said  Mrs.  Strongitharm.  "  And  who  is  your  paramour, 
pray?  Is  it  the  young  man,  Lovell?  If  so,  I  shall  have 
you  both  discharged." 

"Leave  my  apartment,  madam,"  cried  Miss  Griffin, 
vehemently. 

"I  am  the  superior  of  this  establishment,"  replied  the 
house-keeper,  haughtily,  "  and  go  when  and  where  I  will." 

"I recognize  no  superior,  here  or  elsewhere." 

"  Minx ! " 

"Minx!  Do  you  presume  to  call  me  'minx,' — vile 
man-woman." 

"  Saucy  jade !  you  shall  suffer  for  this  impertinence," 
said  Mrs.  Strongitharm,  leaving  the  room  and  slamming 
the  door  as  a  parting  shot. 

The  tiff  with  the  other  lady  had  kept  up  Miss  Griffin's 
spirits,  but  now  that  she  found  herself  alone,  the  discom- 
fited young  woman  felt  the  full  force  of  the  shock  which 
both  her  pride  and  her  feelings  had  received  through  the 


46  TEE    PniLOSOPEERS    OF   FOUFOUVILLE. 

stove-pipe  hole,  and,  throwing  herself  on  the  sofa,  she 
■wept  with  rage  and  mortification. 

She  heard  a  slight  tap  on  the  door,  and  in  response  to 
her  summons  to  enter,  Peewit,  who  was  still  lame, 
hopped  in  hesitatingly,  and  looking  furtively  behind  him. 
In  one  hand  he  had  a  hot  bread  poultice,  and  in  the  other 
a  bouquet,  consisting  of  a  great  red  dahlia  surrounded  by 
buttercups,  dandelions,  johnny-jumpers,  and  piny  flowers. 

"You  don't  look  well,  miss,"  said  the  gentleman. 
"Has  Mrs.  Strongitharm  made  you  sick?  Is  there  an}r- 
thing  I  can  do  for  you  ?  " 

"You  are  a  good  kind  soul,  Peewit,"  answered  the 
lachy,  "  and  I  am  grateful  for  the  sympathy  expressed  in 
your  face  ;  but  a  woman's  deep  nature  is  beyond  your  ken. 
Accept  my  thanks  for  these  beautiful  children  of  the  wild- 
wood.  Such  delicate  attentions  speak  to  the  heart. 
How's  your  foot  ?  " 

"  Ah !  Miss  Minerva;  how  I  wish  Mrs.  Strongitharm 
was  like  3rou.  She  don't  make  tender  inquiries  about  my 
hurt.  She  only  calls  me  an  awkward  booby,  and  says  I 
got  just  what  I  deserved.  It  is  getting  well ;  thanks  to 
you." 

Peewit  putting  his  foot  on  a  chair,  Miss  Griffin  skilfully 
undid  the  bandages,  and  dressed  it  with  the  poultice. 

In  the  mean  while,  Lovell,  getting  tired  of  unearthing 
the  scattered  melon-seeds,  —  a  work  that  seemed  inter- 
minable, for  every  morning  he  would  find  a  dozen  young 
sprouts  where  he  had  pulled  up  one  the  day  before,  — left 
the  patch,  and  walked  hand  in  hand  with  Charity  to  the 
grove,  in  order  to  rest  a  while  after  his  labor. 

"  I  will  go  to  your  father  this  very  day,"  said  he,  "  and 
ask  his  consent  to  our  immediate  marriasre." 


THE    PHILOSOPHERS    OF   FOUFOUVILLE.  47 

"  Oh,  how  happy  we  will  be  ! "  said  she. 

"  In  our  own  cottage,"  said  he. 

"  I  am  afraid,  Lenny,  that  my  father  will  not  consent 
to  my  going  away  from  him,  and  I  should  really  regret  to 
leave  him." 

"  I  hope,"  answered  Lovell,  "that  he  will  in  time  see 
the  impracticability  of  his  present  scheme,  and  the  folly 
of  sacrificing  his  own  interests  and  yours  for  the  sake  of 
those  who  have  no  claim  upon  him,  and  some  of  whom 
are  perhaps  taking  advantage  of  his  kindness  of  heart 
for  their  own  selfish  ends  ;  but  do  you  suppose  that,  when 
you  are  my  wife,  I  could  abide  by  the  absurd  rules  of  this 
establishment  ?  You  know  that  husbands  and  wives  are 
not  allowed  to  —  are  kept  apart,  except"  — 

Cherry  put  her  hand  over  her  lover's  mouth .  He  pressed 
it  to  his  lips,  and,  holding  it  in  his,  they  held  a  long  and 
earnest  conversation,  the  purport  of  which  we  have  been 
unable  to  discover. 

Their  tender  colloquy  was  interrupted  by  the  approach 
of  Professor  Malpest,  whom  they  saw  coming  through  the 
garden.  When  that  gentleman  reached  the  grove,  he 
found  Miss  Charity  quietly  engaged  in  embroidering  the 
initials  L.  L.  in  the  corner  of  a  cambric  handkerchief, 
while  Mr.  Lovell  was  exceedingly  busy  trimming  the 
trees. 

"  Miss  Goodenough,"  said  the  professor,  "  I  regret  to 
disturb  you  when  engaged  in  such  agreeable  occupation ; 
but  your  father  has  desired  me  to  bid  you  go  to  him  imme- 
diately as  he  wishes  to  speak  to  you." 

Charity  rose  and  went  towards  the  house.  The  profes- 
sor started  to  accompany  her,  when  Lovell  called  him 
back  to  ask  his  opinion  as  to  the  best  way  of  trimming 


48  THE    PHILOSOPHERS    OF    FOUFOUTILLE. 

the  trees.  Malpest,  who  understood  the  object  of  this 
questioning,  advised  him  to  lop  them  off  an  inch  above 
the  ground  ;  adding  that  it  would  indirectly  benefit  the 
melon-patch. 

"  Brother  Nicholas  is  facetious,"  said  Lovell. 

"It  is  better  to  be  merry  than  sad,"  said  Malpest, 
"  and  I  feel  happy  to  see  brother  Leander  exerting  his 
talents  to  such  good  purpose." 

"  I  am  glad  you  appreciate  my  efforts,  sir,"  answered 
Lovell,  "  and  doubt  not  that  you  will  congratulate  me 
when  you  hear  that  they  have  met  with  their  reward." 

"I  presume  nryj-oung  friend  has  heard  of  the  individ- 
ual who  counted  his  chickens  before  the  eggs  were 
hatched?" 

"  Yes,  sir ;  and  also  of  the  fox  that  was  caught  in  his 
own  trap." 

The  two  gentlemen  continued  to  bandy  words  together 
for  some  time ;  the  dialogue  being  politely  sarcastic  on 
the  pai't  of  the  professor,  and  cuttingly  ironical  (or  at 
least  he  thought  so),  on  the  part  of  Lovell.  Both  were 
becoming  animated,  if  not  heated,  by  the  verbal  skirmish, 
when  it  was  interrupted  by  the  arrival  of  Mrs.  Strongi- 
tharm,  who  came  into  the  garden,  and  beckoned  to  the 
professor  in  a  mysterious  manner  to  come  to  her,  casting 
at  the  same  time  sinister  glances  at  Lovell. 

This  gentleman  went  on  with  his  work  of  spoiling  the 
trees,  while  the  others  held  a  whispered  conference.  The 
lady  soon  seemed  to  become  somewhat  excited  and  he  dis- 
tinctly heard  Malpest  say,  — 

"  It  is  too  good  to  be  true." 

"  Good,  sir ! "  exclaimed  Mrs.  Strongitharm,  aloud. 
"  Do  you  call  it  good?  It  is  a  scandal,  —  an  abomination." 


THE    PHILOSOPHERS    OF  FOUFOUVILLE.  49 

Oh,  yes!  certainly,  of  course,"  answered  the  other. 
"  It  is  a  crime,  a  sin." 

A  stain  on  Harmonianism,"  continued  Mrs.  Strong- 
itharm  ;  and  they  must  be  turned  out  of  the  establishment 
before  they  corrupt  the  whole  community." 

"By  Jove!  the  suggestion  is  good,"  replied  Malpest; 
"  an  example  should  be  made  of  them.  Let  us  go  at 
once  and  consult  the  doctor." 

The  parties  then]  entered  the  house,  while  Lovell  sat 
down  on  a  bench  and  amused  himself  by  cutting  thereon 
the  following  cabalistic  figure. 


&S*G2 


.•^ 


When  Charity  entered  her  father's  presence,  in  obedi- 
ence to  his  summons,  the  old  gentleman  took  her  by  the 
hand,  and  led  her  to  a  chair.  The  young  girl  knew,  by 
his  solemn  deportment,  that  something  important  was 
coming. 

"My  daughter,"  said  he,  seating  himself  before  her, 
"  you  are  now  verging  on  womanhood,  —  on  that  time  when 
the  pleasures  and  pains  of  the  girl  give  place  to  others 
of  a  more  serious  nature.  The  age  of  youthful  frivolity 
is  passing  away,  and  it  will  soon  be  time  for  you  to 
begin  your  woman's  mission  on  earth.  There-are  objec- 
tions to  deferring  this  momentous  epoch  too  long.  Have 
you  ever  thought  upon  the  subject  of  marriage  ?  " 

"  7,  papa  !  " 

"  Of  course  you  have  not.    Pardon  me  for  asking  the 
question  ;  but  I  have  thought  of  it  for  you." 
5 


50  tjif  rniLosornER3  of  foufouville. 

Miss  Charity  blushed  (or  tried  to  do  so),  and  looked 
very  hard  at  an  ink  spot  on  the  floor. 

"  I  have  selected  as  your  partner  for  life,  a  man  emi- 
nently worthy  of  your  esteem,  and  my  most  trusty  dis- 
ciple, —  brother  Nicholas  Malpest.  I  presume  my  choice 
is  satisfactory  to  you." 

There  was  a  pause. 

""Why  do  you  not  speak,  my  child?  "  said  the  doctor. 
"  You  seem  strangely  agitated  ;  but  this  is  natural." 

"  Papa,"  said  Charity,  hesitatingly,  "I  do  not  love 
Professor  Malpest." 

"Love!"  exclaimed  the  doctor;  "what  can  you  ex- 
pect to  know  about  love  ?    I  do  not  ask  you  to  love  him." 

"  O  father,  would  you  have  me  united  to  a  man  for 
whom  I  had  no  attachment  ?  " 

"  Who  can  have  put  such  mischievous  ideas  into  your 
head?  The  passion  you  speak  of  is  the  cause  of  much 
sin  and  misery.  I  do  not  intend  that  it  shall  exist  in 
Harmony  Hall.  A  general  affection  for  our  fellow-creat- 
ures is  all  that  I  wish.  This  carnal  love  is  a  different 
feeling.  The  first,  '  intellectus  amor,'  is  proper  in  the 
eyes  of  God  and  man ;  but  as  to  the  second,  '  ut  castis 
auribus  vox  amoris  suspecta  est.'  But  I  will  not  enlarge 
on  the  subject,  for  it  is  better  that  you  should  remain  in 
ignorance  of  it." 

"  I  do  not  wish  to  take  this  important  step,"  said  Char- 
ity,  "  without  due  meditation  and  preparation.  If  you 
intend  to  force  me  to  marry  that  man,  give  me  at  least  a 
month  for  reflection." 

"  I  intend  to  use  no  other  force  than  the  voice  of  rea- 
son," answered  the  doctor.  "  Your  request  is  eminently 
proper.     It  is  granted,  and  in  a  month  I  shall  expect  to 


THE    PHILOSOPHERS    OF   FOUFOUVILLE.  51 

receive  your  assent.    Now,  my  child,  go  to  your  room  and 
ponder  over  the  coming  change  in  your  condition." 

Miss  Charity  withdrew  from  the  study,  but  did  not  go 
directly  to  her  own  room.  She  went  first  to  that  of  Miss 
Griffin,  in  order  to  seek  counsel  and  consolation  from  her 
older  friend,  not  knowing  that  the  latter  was  by  far  the 
most  in  need  of  relief  to  her  wounded  feelings. 

The  two  damsels  unbosomed  their  sorrows  to  each 
other;  Miss  Charity  telling  hers  in  extenso;  but  Miss 
Minerva  only  making  a  partial  revelation  ;  for  hers,  she 
said,  was  a  silent  grief.  When  told  of  the  doctor's  de- 
sign, she  expressed  the  most  unbounded  astonishment 
and  indignation  that  he  should  think  of  throwing  his 
daughter  away  on  "  such  an  unprincipled,  deceitful  vil- 
lain." 

"But  nothing  shall  ever  induce  me  to  have  him,"  said 
Charity. 

'  "  You  are  a  sensible  girl,"  answered  Miss  Griffin.  "  I 
cannot  conceive  how  any  woman  could  look  at  such  a 
man." 

"  It  grieves  me  to  disobey  my  father,  or  to  thwart  him 
in  any  way,"  said  Charity ;  "  but  I  cannot  believe  that 
filial  duty  makes  it  obligatory  on  me  to  sacrifice  the  hap- 
piness of  my  life  to  his  peculiar  views,  and  I  regret  that  I 
did  not  acknowledge  to  him  that  my  heart  was  given  to 
Mr.  Lovell ;  but  you  know,  Minerva,  how  a  woman  shrinks 
from  confessing  such  things,  even  to  a  parent." 

"Why  should  woman  conceal  her  feelings,  and  pine  in 
solitude?  "  replied  Miss  Griffin ;  "  man  does  not.  My  ad- 
vice to  you,  as  a  sincere  friend,  and  one  who  has  a 
thorough  knowledge  of  human  nature,  is,  that  you  tell  Mr. 
Malpest  frankly  that  you  detest  him,  and  that  your  young 


52  THE    rniLOSOPUEIiS    OF  foufouville. 

affections  are  centred  on  Leander.  That  will  of  course, 
allay  the  passion  with  which  he  pretends  you  have  in- 
spired him,  and  he  will  immediately  cease  his  importuni- 
ties." 

"  But  I  cannot  truly  say  that  I  actually  detest  him,"  an- 
swered Charity.  "  I  acknowledge  that  in  his  presence  I 
feel  a  sort  of  instinctive  aversion ;  but  I  do  not  detest 
anybody." 

"  That  is  a  distinction  without  a  difference,  my  dear," 
replied  Miss  Griffin.  "You  have  an  aversion  to  him. 
I  sympathize  with  you.  Tell  him  you  loathe  him,  you  ab- 
hor him." 

"  I  will  be  guided  partially  by  your  counsel,"  said  Miss 
Charity,  "  and  will  go  to  him  and  tell  him  candidly  that 
I  am  indifferent  to  him." 

"  I  will  accompany  you  when  you  do  so,  dear.  My 
presence  will  enable  you  better  to  undergo  the  trying 
scene." 

"  I  don't  think  it  will  be  very  trying." 

"Then  Charity,  you  know  not  your  weakness,"  said 
Miss  Griffin,  judging  her  friend  by  herself. 

Miss  Goodenough  now  went  to  her  own  room,  while 
Miss  Griffin  relieved  her  overburdened  mind  by  writing  a 
philippic  against  the  male  sex  in  general,  and  Professor 
Malpest  in  particular,  although  she  did  not  mention  him 
by  name. 

In  the  mean  while,  Lovell,  having  satisfactorily  finished 
his  wood-cut  of  the  two  hearts  united  by  a  true  lover's 
knot,  went  up  to  his  room,  polished  his  boots,  put  about 
a  quarter  of  a  pound  of  pomatum  on  his  hair,  dressed 
himself  with  unusual  spruceness,  and  then  proceeded  in 
search  of  the  doctor.     Mr.  Lovell  was  in  an  exceedingly 


THE    PHILOSOPHERS    OF    FOVFOUTILLE.  53 

happy  frame  of  mind,  for  be  did  not  doubt  tbat  tbe  pro- 
bation be  bad  undergone,  at  Harmony  Hall,  had  thrown 
the  veil  of  oblivion  over  his  unfortunate  fiasco  in  the 
doctor's  office  in  town,  and  he  was  consequently  sanguine 
that  the  old  gentleman  would  at  once  consent  to  the  con- 
summation of  his  happiness. 

He  had  prepared  (a  month  before)  a  speech  for  the  oc- 
casion, in  which  he  set  forth  his  social  standing,  his  pros- 
pects in  life,  and  his  unalterable  devotion  to  Charity,  all 
of  which,  excepting  the  last,  was  already  known  to  the 
doctor.    But  now,  when  he  entered  the  actual  presence  of 
his  prospective  father-in-law,  the  unwontedly  severe  as- 
pect of  the  old  gentleman,  and  the  grave  manner  with 
which  he  received  him,  took  him  so  completely  by  surprise 
that  he  quite  forgot  his  oration  and  could  not  open  his  lips. 
"  Be  seated,  sir,"  said  the  doctor. 
Loveil  dumped  himself  down  on  the  nearest  chair. 
"  My  friends,  you  may  retire,"  said  the  doctor  to  Pro- 
fessor Malpest  and  Mrs.  Strongitharm,  who  were  with  him, 
and  who  looked  significantly  at  Loveil  as  they  left  the 
room. 

"  I  was  about  to  send  for  you,  sir,  when  you  oppor- 
tunely came  in,"  said  the  doctor.  "  I  have  been  grieved 
—  deeply  grieved  —  at  the  reports  that  have  reached  me 
concerning  your  conduct  towards  one  of  the  sisters. 
There  is  some  doubt  (in  my  mind  at  least)  as  to  the  ex- 
tent to  which  your  criminality  has  gone,  and,  in  fact  I  am 
loth,  extremely  loth,  to  believe  that  the  tempter  can  act- 
ually have  found  his  way  amongst  us,  and  was  desirous  of 
personally  inquiring  into  this  lamentable  affair  before 
taking  any  action  in  the  matter." 
"  I  know  not  what  you  have  heard,  sir,"  answered  Lov- 

6* 


54  tiie  rniLOsopnEhs  of  foufowille. 

ell ;  "  but  I  can  assure  j'ou  that  my  intentions  are  strict- 
ly honorable  ;  and  I  have  come  to  you  to-day  for  the  pur- 
pose of  asking  your  consent  to  our  marriage." 

A  benevolent  smile  passed  over  the  doctor's  face. 

"Ah!  my  dear  young  friend,"  he  said,  "I  knew  that 
my  informants  must  be  mistaken.  Their  rigid  sense  of 
propriety  has  doubtless  led  them  to  take  an  unfavorable 
view  of  actions,  not  only  innocent,  but  meritorious,  when 
prompted  by  proper  motives.  But  have  you  duly  weighed 
all  the  momentous  responsibilities  of  the  step  you  think 
of  taking?  Have  you  taken  into  consideration  your 
own  youth  and  the  lady's  age?" 

"  Since  she  is  old  enough  to  love,  she  is  old  enough  to 
many,"  replied  Leander,  somewhat  joyously,  for  he  felt 
encouraged  by  the  favorable  turn  the  doctor's  remarks 
seemed  to  be  taking. 

"Undoubtedly,"  said  the  doctor,  "sister  Minerva  is 
old  enough  to  marry." 

"  Miss  Griffin,  sir?"  cried  Lovell,  jumping  up  ;  "I  have 
never  thought  of  Miss  Griffin.  I  have  hardly  ever  spok- 
en a  word  to  her.    I  don't  care  a  tinker's  d —  for  her." 

Miss  Minerva,  who  was  scribbling  in  the  room  over- 
head, was  attracted  by  the  mention  of  her  name,  and,  with 
the  curiosity  which  is  said  to  have  been  inherent  in  her 
sex  since  the  days  of  Eve,  promptly  placed  herself  beside 
the  stove-pipe  hole.  It  is  from  her  journal  that  we  ex- 
tract the  rest  of  the  conversation. 

"  It  is  Charity,  sir,"  continued  Leander,  "  my  own  dear- 
est Charity,  whose  hand  I  ask." 

"  My  daughter  ! "  said  the  doctor,  with  surprise.  "  Real- 
ly I  do  not  comprehend  the  matter.  Why,  my  dear  boy, 
you  are  too  young  as  yet,  to  think  of  becoming  a  father." 


THE    PHILOSOPHERS    OF    FOUFOUVILLE.  55 

"I  am  quite  indifferent  to  children,  sir,"  answered 
Lovell,  "  and  as  Charity  seems  rather  delicate,  I  would 
really  prefer  not  to  have  any." 

"Then,  pray,  for  what  reason  do  you  wish  to  many 
her?" 

"  Because  I  love  her." 

"  You  love !  Why,  that  is  against  the  rules  of  the  estab- 
lishment." 

The  doctor  slowly  turned  round  in  his  chair,  raised  his 
spectacles  from  his  nose  to  his  forehead,  stuck  his  quill 
behind  his  ear,  crossed  his  legs,  and  rubbed  his  hands  to- 
gether, which  actions  poor  Leander  knew  too  well  were 
the  promonitory  symptoms  that  foreboded  an  eruption  of 
the  Greeks  and  Romans  ;  so  he  folded  his  arms,  and  stood 
resigned  to  a  patient  and  passive  resistance. 

"  I  perceive  with  regret,"  said  Dr.  Goodenough,  "  that 
you  have  not  yet  dwelt  long  enough  amongst  us  to  overcome 
the  desires  of  the  flesh.  It  is  the  evil  spirit  of  man  thajfc 
has  been  aroused  within  you.  My  daughter  unfortunately 
is  comely,  and  I  see  with  sorrow  that  you  are  far  from 
being  a  true  Harmonian.  You  are  not  yet  imbued  with 
the  spirit  of  the  New  Utopia.  Had  you  pondered  over 
my  studies  on  the  Development  of  Healthy  Offspring,  you 
would  be  aware  of  the  folly,  if  not  wickedness,  of  seeking 
the  premature  gratification  of  a  mere  appetite  at  the  ex- 
pense of  generations  yet  to  be.  The  Lacedaemonians  did 
not  permit  young  men  to  marry  until  they  were  twenty-five 
years  old.  Plato  informs  us  that  the  proper  age  is  thirty  ; 
but  Aristotle  fixes  it  at  thirty-seven.  I  waited  until  I 
was  forty.  As  to  this  '  love,'  as  you  call  it,  Avicenna 
tells  us  it  is  'a  mere  disease,  a  melancholy  vexation,  or 
anguish  of  mind.'    According  to  Villanovanus,  it  is  'a 


56  THE    PHILOSOPHERS    OF    FOUFOUVILLE. 

continual  cogitation  of  that  which  is  desired,  with  a  con- 
fidence or  hope  of  compassing  it.'  '  Est  orcus  illc,'  says 
Plutarch,  '  vis  est  immedicabilis,  est  rabies  insana.'  The 
part  affected,  according  to  Arnold  as,  is  the  fore  part  of 
the  head,  but  Longius  is  of  opinion  that  it  is  seated  in  the 
liver.  Others  hold  that  the  disease  is  in  the  spleen,  while 
some  think  that  the  trouble  arises  from  an  inflammation 
in  the  heart. 

"  To  overcome  this  malady,  which  is  extremely  danger- 
ous in  youth,  eight  rules  have  been  prescribed,  all  of 
which  are  more  or  less  efficacious. 

"1.  Abstinence  and  diet,  and,  in  extreme  cases,  fast- 
ing. 

"2.  Hard  work.  'Vacuo  pectore  regnat  amor.'  Love 
tyrannizeth  over  an  idle  person. 

"  3.  Light  clothing  in  cold  weather.  (St.  Origen  car- 
ried this  precept  to  the  extreme.) 

•  "  4.  Hair-cloth  worn  next  to  the  skin.  (Doubtless  on 
the  principle  of  a  counter-inflammation.) 

"5.  Camphor  internally  administered,  with  syrup  off 
hellebore,  and  an  occasional  clyster  of  ice-water. 

"  6.  Absence  from  the  cause  of  the  mischief;  as  per- 
sons fly  from  districts  in  which  they  are  subject  to  fever. 

"  7.  Avoidance  of  amorous  thoughts. 

"8.  Phlebotomy.  The  ancient  Tartars  were  accus- 
tomed to  draw  the  blood  from  behind  the  ears,  others 
took  it  from  the  legs,  while  some  preferred  leeches  on  the 
perinaeum. 

"  You  now,  my  dear  boy,  clearly  perceive  the  folly  into 
which  youth  and  its  unbridled  impulses  were  leading  you, 
and  how  easy  it  is  to  cure  your  complaint.  You  have 
merely  to  follow  one  or  more  of  the  prescriptions  I  have 


THE    PHILOSOPHERS    OF    FOUFOUVILLE.  57 

given  you.  If  you  are  much  affected  I  would  advise  you 
to  try  them  all.  Look  at  me.  You  see  me  at  nearly 
seventy  years  of  age,  calm  and  tranquil,  because  I  am 
able  to  keep  under  the  control  of  reason  those  passions 
that  cause  so  much  trouble  to  mankind." 

"  Nothing,  sir,"  answered  Leander,  "  can  ever  weaken 
my  love  for  Charity  ;  I  adore  her." 

"  Do  not  make  use  of  unseemly  language,  sir,  in  Har- 
mony Hall,"  replied  the  doctor ;  "  I  find  nothing  peculiar 
in  the  diagnosis  of  your  case.  You  are  affected  as  thou- 
sands have  been  before  you,  and  the  remedies  that  cured 
them  will  cure  you. 

"  Retire  now  to  your  apartment,  with  this  copy  of  the 
*  Regeneration  of  Man.'  Its  perusal  will  strengthen  your 
mind  ;  and,  if  you  take  a  strong  dose  of  the  sweet  spirits 
of  nitre  with  a  little  rhubarb  and  magnesia,  the  medicine 
will  cool  your  hot  blood,  and  excite  in  you  quite  different 
feelings  from  those  that  now  agitate  you." 

"  Then,  sir,  you  refuse  me  the  hand  of  Charity,"  said 
Lovell. 

"Most  decidedly,  sir,"  answered  the  doctor.  "Even 
if  I  thought  it  prudent  to  select  you  for  her  husband,  I 
would  not  be  at  liberty  to  do  so,  since  she  is  already 
promised  to  another,  —  to  one,  who,  to  unbounded  benevo- 
lence, and  the  most  perfect  acquiescence  in  all  my  views, 
has  learned  to  suppress  the  promptings  of  the  flesh,  and 
regards  marriage  merely  as  a  means  to  an  end.  She  is  to 
be  united  to  brother  Nicholas  Malpest." 

Poor  Lenny's  heart  was  too  full  for  words,  and  he 
silently  stole  out  of  the  study,  a  sadder  if  not  a  wiser 
man.  He  was  seen  soon  afterwards  walking  up  and  clown 
the  garden  in  a  highly  excited  manner,  gesticulating 


58  THE    PHILOSOPHERS    OP    FOUFOUVLLLE. 

wildly,  clenching  his  fists,  and  anon  striking  at  va- 
cancy. 

"  D n  the  fellpw,"  he  exclaimed.     "  To  think  of 

my  being  refused  for  a  beggarly  upstart  adventurer,  —  a 
scoundrel,  who  I  believe  has  deliberately  led  Dr.  Good- 
enough  into  this  Foufouville  business,  solely  for  selfish 
purposes  of  his  own.  But  I'll  unmask  the  villain  ;  I'll  un- 
mask him,  or  have  his  heart's  blood.  He  shall  find  that 
Leander  Ijovell  is  not  a  man  to  be  trifled  with.    Ugh ! " 


THE    PHILOSOPHERS    OF   FOUFOUVILLE.  59 


CHAPTER    IV. 

Some  curious  and  interesting  Papers  never  before  presented 
to  the  Public. 

"We  now  propose  to  lay  before  the  reader  a  few  of  the 
original  documents  from  which  this  narrative  is  compiled. 
It  is  true  that  on  glancing  over  the  pages  already  written, 
and  seeing  the  somewhat  dramatic  form  that  the  work  has 
unavoidably  taken,  we  feel  a  strong  inclination  to  con- 
tinue in  the  same  style.  We  have  the  lovesick  maiden, 
the  despairing  lover,  the  partially  successful  rival,  who  is 
also  the  villain  of  the  piece,  the  tyrannical  father,  and  two 
or  three  makeweights,  whose  characteristics  being  comic, 
form  an  admirable  contrast  to  the  pathetic  portions  of  the 
story.  In  the  first  chapter  we  have  described  the  locality, 
and  brought  the  dramatis  personal  on  the  scene ;  in  the 
second,  the  introduction  of  the  domestics  would  seem  a 
master-stroke  of  policy,  like  clearing  the  decks  for  action, 
and  leaving  the  company  entire  freedom  of  movement ; 
by  the  end  of  the  third,  we  have  got  our  ingredients  pretty 
well  mixed  up,  that  is  to  say,  the  plot  has  begun  to  de- 
velop itself,  all  sorts  of  passions  have  been  brought  into 
play,  and  almost  everybody  has  got  at  loggerheads  with 
somebody  else.  "We  repeat,  that  when  we  consider  all 
this,  we  feel  strongly  tempted  to  give  way  to  our  fertile 
imagination  and,  taking  the  few  actual  facts  for  a  basis, 
to  spin  a  plain,  unvarnished  tale  into  a  three-volume 
novel ;  but  our  respect  for  the  memory  of  the  late  Dr. 


CO  THE    PHILOSOPHERS    OF   FOUFOUVILLE. 

Goodenough,  our  desire  to  defend  bis  reputation  against 
the  criticisms  and  sarcasms  of  the  witless  journalists  of 
an  unscrupulous  press,  and  our  sense  of  duty  to  an  intel- 
ligent public  sball  restrain  us  from  thus  seeking  after  liter- 
ary fame  under  false  pretences,  and  we  shall  rigidly  ad- 
here to  our  first  intention,  and  simply  give  a  matter-of-fact 
record  of  the  most  important  events  connected  with  the 
experiment  at  Foufouville.  Moreover,  since  the  years 
of  man's  life  are  but  threescore  and  ten,  and  we  do  not 
possess  the  lucrative  faculty  of  saying  something  when  we 
have  nothing  to  say,  we  shall  study  concision  in  every 
way  possible  ;  a  study,  we  regret  to  say,  that  is  too  much 
neglected  by  modern  writers,  whose  chief  aim  seems  to 
be  to  make  a  whole  volume  out  of  incidents  and  thoughts 
enough  for  a  single  chapter  only ;  a  fault  that  has  led 
readers  into  the  reprehensible  (though,  under  the  circum- 
stances, excusable)  habit  of  skipping.  In  pursuance  of 
this  plan  we  shall  give  the  original  documents  whenever 
they  are  of  sufficient  interest,  or  whenever  the}'  exhibit 
the  causes  of  the  decline  of  Ilarmonianism  as  clearly  and 
concisely  as  a  synopsis  would  do  ;  and  whenever  we  deem 
it  preferable  we  shall  digest  our  authorities. 

These  may  be  divided  into  eight  classes,  as  follows  :  — 

1st.  Letters  from  members  of  the  society,  or  parties 
connected  with  them. 

2d.  The  books  of  the  phalanstery,  comprising  one  blot- 
ter, one  day-book,  and  one  ledger.  These  are  all  in  the 
handwriting  of  Prof.  Nicholas  Malpcst. 

3d.  Vouchers  for  the  expenses  of  the  phalanstery. 
Most  of  these  show  indubitable  evidence  of  having  been 
tampered  with  (as  will  be  explained  hereafter),  and  are 
consequently  of  little  value. 


THE    PHILOSOPHERS    OF   FOUFOUVILLE.  61 

4th.  Plans,  specifications,  etc.,  in  the  possession  of 
Palladio  Styles,  Esq.,  N.  A.  A.,  architect  and  builder. 

5th.  Records  of  the  proceedings  of  kindred  societies. 

6th.  The  "  Journal  of  an  Ennuyee,"  by  Miss  Serena 
Minerva  Griffin  (not  intended  for  publication). 

7th.  The  press  of  the  time,  particularly  the  Comic 
Weekly  and  Monthly  Squib. 

8th.  Oral  testimony.  We  have  collected  this  at  no 
little  personal  trouble  (and  regardless  of  expense),  hav- 
ing visited  Foufouville  for  the  sole  purpose  of  interrogat- 
ing those  who  lived  there  during  the  brief  existence  of 
the  New  Utopians,  as  such ;  for  it  should  be  borne  in 
mind  that  the  transactions,  now  for  the  first  time  narrated 
to  the  public  in  an  authentic  form,  all  took  place  within 
the  memory  of  men  still  living.  That  well-known  indi- 
vidual, the  oldest  inhabitant,  remembered  the  Har'monian 
era  perfectly,  and  had,  on  one  occasion,  even  seen  Dr. 
Goodenough  himself.  Two  highly  respectable  retired 
oystermen,  who  lived  at  Communipaw  at  the  time  of  the 
events  of  which  we  are  writing,  but  who  were  accustomed 
to  pay  frequent  visits  to  Foufouville  (where  they  married 
a  fishmonger's  daughters),  gave  us  much  valuable  infor- 
mation. We  are  also  indebted  to  John  Smith,  Esq.,  now 
cashier  of  the  National  Bank  of  Foufouville,  who  recol- 
lected being  frequently  engaged,  when  a  boy,  in  nocturnal 
expeditions  with  youths  of  his  own  age,  for  the  purpose 
of  robbing  the  hen-roosts,  or  of  committing  depredations 
on  the  apple-trees  at  the  Hall.  We  have  also  conversed 
with  all  the  surviving  Harmonians,  except  Professor  Mal- 
pest,  whom  we  have  been  unable  to  find,  and  who,  it  is 
therefore  highly  probable,  is  now  defunct. 

Of  our  MS.  authorities,  some  have  been  for  a  long  time 
6 


02  TIIE    pniLOSOPnERS    OF    FOUFOUVILLE. 

in  our  possession ;  others  have  been  kindly  lent  to  us 
by  Leander  Lovell,  Esq.,  president  of  the  Oil  Ocean 
Petroleum  Co.,  and  a  few,  belonging  to  the  Jersey  City 
Historical  Society,  have  been  politely  placed  at  our  dis- 
posal for  perusal  by  the  urbane  and  gentlemanly  librarian. 
The  reader  will  observe  that  the  following  papers  are 
not  given  in  strict  chronological  order.  We  have  pre- 
ferred to  follow  the  method  adopted  by  other  superior 
writers,  as  Gibbon,  Prescott,  Tacitus,  etc.,  and  have 
grouped  them  with  reference  to  the  events  of  which  they 

treat. 

« 

"CIRCULAR. 

"  To  all  Mankind  and  future  Generations,  Greeting : 
The  Society  of  Harmonious,  for  the  regeneration  of  man, 
has  a  practical  existence.  Foufouville  is  the  new  Eden 
where  the  tree  of  knowledge  has  been  planted.  Its  fruit 
is  free  to  all.  O  ye  who  are  still  wandering  in  the  wil- 
derness of  Ignorance,  who  are  tossed  on  the  stormy  waves 
of  Passion,  who  are  lost  in  the  desert  of  Doubt,  in  dan- 
ger of  being  swept  away  by  the  simoon  of  Sin,  come  to 
this  earthly  Paradise,  this  haven  of  refuge,  this  oasis 
where  all  is  verdant. 

"Without,  ye  have  endless  strifes,  contentions,  heart- 
burnings, lusts,  envy,  hatred,  and  all  uncharitableness ; 
within,  only  brotherly  love,  harmony,  peace,  and  good- 
will. 

"  Hasten,  then,  to  the  new  fold ;  the  door  is  open ; 
come  one,  come  all. 

"J.  Goodenougii. 

"  Given  at  Foufouville,  this  1st  day  of  the  1st  month  of  the  1st  year 
of  the  Ilaruionian  Era." 


THE    PIIILOSOPHEES    OF   FOUFOUVILLE.  63 

DR.  J.  GOODENOUGH  TO  PROF.  GUMMP,  LEIPSIC. 

"FotTFOUTILLE,  4th  1st  Mo.,  A.  H.  1. 

"  Respected  Friend  and  Brother,  —  The  fame  of  your 
translation  of  the  New  Utopia  has  reached  America.  I 
thank  you,  in  the.  name  of  humanity,  for  the  boon  you 
have  conferred  upon  your  fellow-man,  and  the  special 
honor  paid  to  my  unworthy  self.  I  am  proud  to  think 
that  henceforth  my  name  will  be  indissolubly  associated 
with  that  of  Gurump.  I  knew  that  the  German  mind 
would  not  fail  to  appreciate  the  mighty  truths  I  have 
humbly  endeavored  to  inculcate. 

"  You  are  doubtless  aware  that  the  Society  of  Harmo- 
nians  has  at  last  a  local  habitation  as  well  as  a  name. 
The  dream  of  my  life  is  being  realized.  We  are  now 
dwelling  in  the  first  phalanstery,  and  others  are  to  be 
erected  as  soon  as  the  number  of  proselytes  who  have 
joined  us  reaches  one  thousand. 

"  Here  we  are  gathered  together,  a  chosen  few,  and  in 
this  tranquil  retreat,  entirely  dissevered  from  mundane 
thoughts  and  pursuits,  we  find  that  peace  which  the  world 
cannot  give,  with  its  snares,  its  temptations,  its  bicker- 
ings, its  unholy  passions  ;  that  perfect  serenity  of  mind 
for  which  mortals  have  hitherto  sighed  in  vain. 

"  I  send  with  this,  copies  of  my  last  two  works,  the 
"  Regeneration  of  Man,"  and  "  Studies  on  the  Develop- 
ment of  Healthy  Offspring." 

"  Farewell,  respected  friend  and  brother. 

"J.    GOODENOUGH. 

"  P.  S.  I  enclose  a  pamphlet  containing  our  circular, 
together  with  our  rules  and  regulations,  and  would  ad- 
vise that  it  be  translated  into  German,  and  from  fifty 


64  TIIE    PJIILOSOPJIERS    OP    FOUFOVVILLE. 

thousand  to  one  hundred  thousand  copies  printed  for  gen- 
eral distribution." 

THE  "WOMAN'S  UNION  ASSOCIATION,  OF  LEBANON,  TO  THE 
CORRESPONDING  SECRETARY  OF  THE  SOCIETY  OF  HARMO- 
NIANS. 

"  "We,  the  undersigned,  constituting  the  Woman's  Un- 
ion Association  of  Lebanon,  have  received,  with  un- 
bounded satisfaction,  tidings  of  the  glorious  enterprise 
inaugurated  under  the  auspices  of  the  far-seeing  and  pro- 
gressive Dr.  Goodenough. 

"  The  Age  of  Reason  is  indeed  at  hand.  Woman  Mill 
no  longer  be  exposed  to  the  neglect  of  the  other  sex. 

"  Profoundly  impressed  by  the  delightful  prospect  of 
happiness  held  out  in  the  circular  of  Dr.  G.,  we  pro- 
pose at  once  uniting  our  fortunes  "with  yours,  and  write 
to  inquire  the  cheapest  route  to  Harmony  Hall. 

"We  deem  it  proper  to  state  (however  unimportant  the 
fact  may  be)  that  we  shall  not  be  able  to  contribute 
pecuniarily  to  the  resources  of  the  society ;  but  do  not 
doubt  that  the  noble  example  we  shall  set  to  the  world, 
and  the  moral  influence  gained  by  our  presence  will  more 
than  counterbalance  the  want  of  mere  lucre. 
"Your  sisters  in  love, 

"Miss  Mary  Ann  Ketchum. 
"Miss  Cleopatra  Grosbeck. 
"  Miss  Evergreen  Waite. 
"Miss  Sophonisba  Hope. 
"  Miss  Martha  Valentine. 
"Miss  Patience  Staahl." 

(No  dato.) 


THE    PHILOSOPHERS    OF   FOUFOUVILLE.  65 

PROF.  NICH.  MALPEST   TO   THE  WOMAN'S  UNION  ASSOCIATION 
OP   LEBANON. 

"Harmony  Hall,  April  25th,  1850. 
"  To  Miss  Mary  Ann  Ketclium  and  Others : 

"  Ladies,  —  It  is  with  inexpressible  regret,  —  owing  to 
the  great  moral  influence  that  would  accrue  to  our  com- 
munity could  we  have  the  benefit  of  your  presence  amongst 
us,  to  say  nothing  of  personal  gratification,  —  it  is,  I  re- 
peat, with  the  deepest  regret  that  I  am  constrained  to 
inform  you,  that,  in  consequence  of  the  heavy  outlay  to 
which  we  have  been  put  in  preparing  for  the  thousands 
of  New  Utopians  whose  arrival  is  daily  expected  (by  Dr. 
Goodenough),  we  must  for  the  present  deprive  ourselves 
of  the  advantages  and  pleasures  of  your  society. 

"  Accept,  ladies,  the  assurance  of  my  distinguished 
consideration. 

"Nich.  Malpest, 
"Cor.  Sec.  of  the  S.  of  &." 


MRS.   ELIZABETH   STRONGITHARM  TO  THE   HON.    ANDREW 
JACKSON   JONES. 

"  Foufouvillk,  April  19th,  1850. 

"Sir,  —  I  shall  endeavor  to  be  present  at  the  coming 
convention  of  the  Female  Rights  Association. 

"  Your  bill  for  extending  the  franchise  to  woman  meets 
my  approval.  It  is  encouraging,  in  these  degenerate  days, 
to  find  one  man  of  enlarged  ideas. 

"  How  differently  legislation  would  be  conducted  if 
women  had  the  making  of  the  laws  !  Instead  of  the  pres- 
ent contentions  that  disgrace  our  assemblies,  all  would  be 
love. 

6* 


66  THE    PIULOSOPHEHS    OF    FOUFOUVILLE. 

"  The  abominable  tariff  now  imposed  on  silks,  satins, 
laces,  feathers,  and  other  articles  of  female  necessity, 
would  be  at  once  repealed. 

"  The  amassing  of  excessive  wealth  would  be  prohib- 
ited. Those  who  possessed  more  than  a  competency 
would  be  compelled  to  bestow  the  surplus  on  portionless 
young  women. 

"  Every  man  who  attained  the  age  of  thirty  years  with- 
out having  taken  a  wife,  would  be  obliged  to  support  at 
least  one  foundling  or  orphan,  and  an  additional  one  for 
every  year  thereafter  that  he  persisted  in  celibacy. 

"Whiskers  being  a  symbol  of- manhood,  no  bachelor 
would  be  permitted  to  wear  them ;  nor  would  any  such 
be  eligible  to  any  public  office  whatever. 

"  A  suitable  and  becoming  costume  (such  as  is  worn 
by  me)  would  be  made  obligatory  on  the  female  sex. 

"  Theatrical  exhibitions  would  be  put  down,  as  having 
an  injurious  influence  on  public  morals  ;  or  at  least  they 
would  be  held  under  severe  restrictions.  Males  alone 
would  be  allowed  to  perform  in  ballets. 

"  Those  abominable  institutions  called  clubs  would  be 
broken  up  (unless  women  were  admitted  to  them),  and 
they  would  be  closed  at  nine  o'clock,  p.  m.  No  card- 
playing  or  billiards  would  be  tolerated  in  them. 

"  Those  houses  —  likened  by  Miss  Martineau  to  harems 
—  would  be  torn  down,  and  the  sites  sown  with  salt. 

"  An  army  would  be  despatched  against  the  Mormons 
to  exterminate  those  American  Turks. 

"  No  religion  would  be  tolerated  save  one  founded  on 
common  sense. 

"  The  shameful  license  of  the  press  would  be  curtailed. 


THE    PHILOSOPHERS    OF   FOUFOVVILLE.  67 

Editors  who  took  a  wrong  view  of  the  woman  question 
would  be  put  in  the  pillory,  and  their  papers  suppressed. 

"The  distillation  of  spirituous  liquor,  under  any  pre- 
tense whatever,  would  be  prohibited. 

"No  vile  tobacco  would  be  imported  or  grown. 

"  Such,  sir,  are  a  few  of  the  reforms  that  will  follow 
the  bestowing  of  the  ballot  on  my  sex.  Think  how  much 
more  happy  mankind  will  be. 

"  Woman,  instead  of  spending  her  life  in  beau-catching, 

or  the  pursuit  of  frivolities,  as  at  present,  will  stand  on 

her  rights  by  the  polls,  armed  with  that  palladium  of 

liberty,  the  ballot,  and,  hurling  it  in  the  face  of  masculine 

injustice,  will  appear  with  a  new  charm  in  the  domestic 

circle. 

"  I  am,  sir,  yours,  in  progress, 

"  Elizabeth  Strongitharii. 

"  To  the  Hon.  A.  J.  Jones,  Albany." 

LEANDER   LOVELL,   ESQ.,  TO  RICHARD   LONGSHANKS,   ESQ. 

"  Foufouville,  March  29th,  1850. 

"  Dear  Dick,  —  I  have  not  joined  the  Macedonian  Pha- 
lanx, as  you  insinuate,  nor  is  it  Mars,  but  rather  Venus,  who 
has  brought  me  here.  The  truth  is,  I  am  engaged  to  the 
most  beautiful,  lovely,  and  fascinating  of  her  sex,  daugh- 
ter of  the  celebrated  Dr.  Goodenough,  author  of  several 
well-known  works  on  social  philosophy.  I  have  not  jret 
been  converted  to  the  doctor's  peculiar  views,  and  must 
confess  that  I  am  guilty  of  some  little  dissimulation  in 
foisting  myself  into  his  society ;  but '  all  is  fair  in  love,' 
you  know.  O  Dick,  she  is  adorable !  When  or  where 
the  ceremony  will  take  place  I  cannot  tell,  for  untoward 
circumstances  have  prevented  me  thus  far  from  asking 


68  THE    PHILOSOPHERS    OF   FODFOUVILZE. 

the  old  gentleman's  consent ;  but  I  shall  obtain  it  in  a 
clay  or  two.  She  is  perfection.  To  know  her  is  to  love 
her  ;  she  —  but  I  won't  expatiate  on  this  charming  theme 
to  such  a  matter-of-fact  individual  as  you  are.  You  might 
call  it  a  bore,  and  I  should  never  forgive  you.  How 
lucky  I  am  to  be  in  existence  at  the  same  time  as  Charity, 
—  for  her  equal  never  lived  before !  Her  eyes  are  of  that 
deep  azure  only  seen  in  the  sky  of  Italy  at  noon-day ; 
her  hair  is  auburn,  and  falls  in  natural  ringlets  over  her 
alabaster  shoulders  ;  her  delicately  chiselled  nose — "  [we 
will  omit  the  rest  of  this  descriptive  passage,  as  not  being 
of  sufficient  public  importance  to  warrant  an  insertion.] 
"  I  am  the  most  happy  and  most  fortunate  man  on  the 
face  of  the  earth. 

"  I  have  a  sort  of  rival  (but  he  has  no  chance),  one 
Malpest,  who  calls  himself '  professor '  —  of  what,  I  know 
not.  He  is  the  chief-cook-and-bottle-washer  of  the  con- 
cern, and  his  actions,  in  some  respects,  appear  suspicious  ; 
still,  for  all  I  know  to  the  contrary,  he  may  be  a  good 
enough  fellow  at  heart.  (Charity,  dear  girl,  hates  the 
sight  of  him.) 

"  A  strong-minded  harridan  of  a  bloomer,  with  the  man 
she  protects,  and  an  affected  spinster,  complete  the  in- 
mates. The  Strongitharm  is  abusing  everybody  from 
morning  to  night,  and  perpetually  pecking  at  poor  Pee- 
wit, whom  she  calls  her  co-partner.  He  has  lately  shown 
symptoms  of  insubordination.  The  forlorn  Griffin  goes 
about  expressing  the  loftiest  disdain  for  mankind  (how 
different  she  would  be  if  she  had  a  good  stout  husband, 
and  half-a-dozen  yellow-haired  brats  around  her!),  and 
contrasting  her  own  contented  condition  with  the  bicker- 
ing existence  of  Stongitharm  &  Co. 


THE    PHILOSOPHEES    OF    FOUFOUVJLLE.  69 

"  The  two  women,  of  course,  are  at  sword's  points. 

"  Why  do  you  bore  me  about  business,  and  say  you 

can't  get  along  without  me  ?    What  the  mischief  do  I  care 

about  business  when  I  am  going  to  be  married  to  the  girl 

of  my  heart? 

"  Yours  ever,  L.  L." 

MESSRS.  WESTCOTT    &   CO.,  TO  PROF.   NICH.    MALrEST. 

"New  York,  April  1st,  1850. 
"Sir,  —  On  presenting  your  check  on  the  National 
Bank  for  $325T9080,  given  in  payment  of  our  bill  for  cloth- 
ing, we  were  advised  that  your  balance  there  amounted 
to  but  $lT{hj,  and  the  check  was  consequently  dis- 
honored. 

"  Respectfully,  your  obedient  servant, 

"  Westcott  &  Co." 

PROF.  NICH.   MALPEST,   TO   MESSRS.  WESTCOTT  &  CO. 

"  Harmony  Hall,  April  4th,  1850. 
"  Gents,  — I  trust  that  my  inadvertence  in  overlooking 
the  state  of  my  bank  account  when  I  gave  you  my  check, 
may  not  have  subjected  you  to  any  inconvenience.  It  is 
a  matter  of  astonishment  to  me  that  the  officials  should 
have  hesitated  to  allow  my  account  to  be  temporarily  over- 
drawn, as  it  is  customary  to  do  with  heavy  depositors,  and 
I  shall  have  no  further  dealings  with  a  moneyed  institu- 
tion so  blind  to  its  own  interests. 

"  My  funds  at  the  present  moment  are  all  locked  up  in 
one  of  the  most  promising  speculations  of  the  age  ;  but  I 
am  making  arrangements  by  which  I  hope  in  a  few  weeks 
to  render  them  available. 

"  Your  obedient  servant, 

"  Nicholas  Malpest." 


70  THE    rniLOSOPHERS    OF   FOUFOUVILLE. 

RICHARD  LONGSHANKS,  ESQ.,  TO  LEANDER  LOVELL,  ESQ. 

"  New  Yokk,  April  5. 

"Dear  Len, —  Our  business  really  requires  the  undi- 
vided attention  of  both  of  us,  so  that  one  may  always  be 
present  at  the  office.  We  have  lost  some  good  chances 
lately  in  consequence  of  my  temporary  but  unavoidable  ab- 
sences ;  so  hurry  up  and  get  married  if  it  is  necessary  for 
you  to  commit  that  act,  in  order  to  recover  your  wonted 
serenity  and  go  to  work. 

"Meanwhile  congratulations,  —  felicity,  etc. 

"  Yours,  R.  L. 

'P.  S.  —  I've   hung  up  our  shingle   'Longshanks   & 
Lovell,  Brokers.' " 

LEANDER  LOVELL,  ESQ.,  TO  RICHARD  LONGSHANKS,  ESQ. 

"  Foufoutille,  April  21. 

"  Dear  Dick,  —  I  am  the  most  miserable  man  in  ex- 
istence. A  malignant  fate  seems  to  pursue  me.  Old 
Goodenough  has  actually  resolved  to  throw  away  his 
Charity  on  that  double-distilled  villain,  Malpest.  But  the 
deed  shall  never  be  consummated,  never,  Richard,  never. 
Charity  has  obtained  a  delay  of  one  month,  and  in  that 
month  something  shall  be  done,  for  I  must  have  her ;  cost 
what  it  may,  I  must  have  her.  She  won't  consent  to  a 
clandestine  marriage,  because  she  clings  to  her  father  in 
the  most  childish  manner,  and  says  she  could  never  for- 
give herself  should  any  act  of  hers  cause  him  pain.  Un- 
der these  unprecedentedly  embarrassing  circumstances,  I 
feel  the  need  of  a  friend  to  lean  upon.  Let  me  hear  from 
you  without  delay. 


THE    PHILOSOPHERS    OF  FOUFOUVILLE.  71 

"  As  to  that  despicable  miscreant  who  pretends  to  her 
hand,  should  he  give  me  the  shadow  of  an  excuse,  may 
my  right  arm  be  withered  if  I  don't  thrash  the  black- 
hearted scoundrel  within  an  inch  of  his  life ! 

"  Had  I  not  better  call  him  out  at  once?  "Will  you  be 
my  friend  on  the  occasion  ?  If  so,  come  down  as  soon  as 
you  can  with  the  hair-triggers. 

"Yours,  L.  L." 

KICHAKD  XOiNGSHANKS,  ESQ.,  TO  LEANDER  LOVELL,  ESQ. 

"  Wall  Street,  April  23d. 

"  Dear  Len, —  On  the  5th  inst.  I  wrote  you  a  congrat- 
ulatory letter  under  the  impression  that  the  affair  was 
settled,  but  I  perceive,  by  yours  of  the  21st,  that  this  was 
an  error. 

"  The  truth  is,  you  have  fallen  in  love,  which  is  the 
most  silly  thing  a  man  can  do,  particularly  when  the  girl 
on  her  part  preserves  her  senses ;  and  it  is  clear  to  my 
mind  that  Miss  What's-her-name  don't  care  a  pin  for  you 
since  she  won't  run  away  with  you.  In  fact,  I  think  it  most 
likely  she  is  smitten  with  that  other  fellow.  He  has  pater- 
familias on  his  side,  which  is  a  great  advantage. 

"  The  best  thing  you  can  do  is  to  take  the  matter  phil- 
osophically, as  I  should  do  under  the  circumstances, 
and  forget  the  young  woman  entirely.  To  accomplish 
this  nothing  more  is  necessary  than  not  to  think  of  her  at 
all.  So  come  back  to  town  like  a  sensible  man  and  go  to 
work  again. 

"Yours,  R.  L." 


72  the  philosophers  of  foufouville. 

leander  lovell,  esq.,  to  richard  longsnanks,  esq. 

"Foufouville,  April  25th,  1850. 

"  Sir,  —  I  expected  to  find  in  you  a  sj^mpathetic  friend, 
instead  of  an  indifferent  man-of-the-world.  Having  never 
seen  the  young  lady,  of  course  you  cannot  enter  into  my 
feelings  ;  but  that  was  no  reason  for  casting  a  slur  on  her 
character,  —  for  such  I  regard  j-our  insinuation  that  she 
has  become  attached  to  another. 

"  Sir,  your  philosophy  I  despise.  I  could  not,  and 
would  not  if  I  could,  forget  her  until  my  latest  breath. 
It  is  my  intention  to  demand  satisfaction  from  the  scoun- 
drel, and  had  hoped  that  you  would  second  me  ;  but  now  I 
shall  look  elsewhere  for  that  act  of  friendship. 

"  Sir,  our  acquaintance  is  at  an  end  and  our  partner- 
ship dissolved.  Be  pleased  to  remove  my  name  from  the 
shingle. 

"  Your  obedient  servant, 

"  Leander  Lovell." 

richard  longshanks,  esq.,  to  leander  lovell,  esq. 

"  Wall  Street,  April  27th. 

"  My  dear  Leander,  —  What  is  the  matter  with  you? 
I  didn't  know  how  unreasonably  savage  love  made  a  man. 
I  must  get  into  that  condition  myself  in  order  to  find  out 
the  sensation.  But,  seriously  speaking,  I  had  no  inten- 
tion of  wounding  your  feelings,  and  if  my  note  has  done 
so  (I  certainly  expected  it  would  have  a  soothing  effect) ,  I 
must  ask  you  to  excuse  it. 

"As  to  challenging  Mr.  Malpest,  I  really  do  not  think 
you  have  justifiable  grounds  for  doing  so.  You  wrote  to 
me  yourself  that  it  was  impossible  to  see  Miss  Good- 


THE    PHILOSOPHERS    OF   FOUFOVVILLE.  73 

enough  without  loving  her ;  and  such  being  the  case  can 
you  blame  the  professor  ?  If  you  fight  him  what  will  you 
gain?  If  you  wound  him,  you  excite  pity  for  him,  and 
pity  is  akin  to  love ;  while,  if  you  kill  him,  you  find 
yourself  in  serious  trouble.  If  he  wounds  you,  I  don't 
distinctly  see  where  the  satisfaction  comes  in  ;  while,  if  he 
kill  you,  you  certainly  will  not  be  able  to  marry  the  lady, 
but  on  the  contrary  he  may  do  so. 

"  I  shall  go  down  to  Foufouville  as  soon  as  business 
will  allow,  in  the  hope  of  being  of  service  to  you  in  some 
way.  If  Malpest  should  appear  to  me  half  as  bad  a  man 
as  you  imagine  him  to  be,  I'll  gladly  help  you  tar  and 
feather  him. 

"Believe  me,  yours  ever  truly, 

"  Richard  Longshanks." 

extracts  from  the  "  journal  of  an  ennutee,"  by  miss 
serena  minerva  griffin. 
"April  20th.  —  The  heart  of  woman  is  a  soundless  sea. 
Man,  coarse  man,  cannot  fathom  its  depths.  She  was 
born  for  duality.  Like  the  clinging  vine  she  yearns  for  a 
protector ;  she  is  ever  searching  for  sympathy ;  yet,  ac- 
cording to  the  false  customs  of  society,  she  must  ever 
conceal  in  her  bosom  those  emotions  that  fain  would  find 
utterance  in  —  [illegible].  '  The  heart,  like  a  tendril  accus- 
tomed to  cling,'  etc.  Man  must  be  the  one  to  propose.  How 
absurd  !  The  sturdy  oak  must  seek  the  frail  vine,  not  the 
vine  the  oak.  Is  this  right?  Is  it  proper?  The  un- 
trammelled promptings  of  gifted  souls  answer  indignantly, 

NO. 

"21st.  —  This  has   been   a  trying   day.     To   think  I 
could  have  been  so  mistaken  in  that  man.    But  dearly 
7 


74  THE    rniLOSOPJIERS    OF    FOUFOUVILLE. 

have  I  paid  for  my  error.  It  is  far  better  for  woman  to  ■ 
exist  alone.  '  Few  are  tbe  bearts  whence  one  same  toucb,' 
etc.  Her  nature  is  profoundly  analytical.  She  perceives 
tbose  invisible  shades  of  character,  that  are  lost  to  man's 
less  delicate  vision,  and  thus  discriminates  "with  unerring 
judgment  the  hidden  motives  of  human  action.  [The 
villain,  to  have  deceived  me  so  grossly  !  Why  was  I  so 
blind  ?  I  was  indifferent  to  him  before  ;  now  I  bate  him. 
I  despise  him]. 

"  22d.  —  Oh,  this  aching  head  !  My  temples  throb.  I 
must  apply  ice  to  the  region  of  tbe  cerebellum.  The 
events  of  yesterday  will  never  fade  from  my  mind  while 
memory  retains  her  seat.  It  is  the  warm  bearts  that  suf- 
fer most  in  this  cold  world,  yet  are  they  ever  ready  to 
forgive  and  kiss  the  hand  that  wounds.  Such  is  woman. 
[May  I  live  a  hundred  years  to  torment  him !]  I  am 
much  concerned  for  poor  little  innocent  Charity.  She 
seems  inclined  to  yield  so  implicitly  to  the  will  of  her  fa- 
ther. She  lacks  strength  of  mind.  Of  course  he  can- 
not have  any  real  feeling  for  such  a  mere  chit.  His  views 
are  mercenary.  I  must  warn  the  simple-minded  doctor, 
and  put  Mr.  Lovell  on  bis  guard.  The  poor  young  man 
seems  to  be  madly  in  love.  What  a  pity  be  has  so  little 
knowledge  of  the  world !  [The  wretch !  I  shall  be 
avenged  on  him.  He  shall  know  that  Minerva  Griffin  is 
not  to  be  treated  lightly]. 

"  23d. —  Confined  to  my  bed.  That  hateful  Strongitharm 
came  in  with  her  affected  condolence.  How  foolish  I  was  to 
become  reconciled  to  her  !     But  woman  was  ever  forgiving. 

"  '  No  strong-minded  woman,'  said  she,  '  would  allow 
herself  to  be  made  sick  by  a  man.' 

" '  What  do  you  mean,  madam? '  I  asked. 


THE    PHILOSOPHERS    OF   FOUFOUVILLE.  75 

"  '  A  true  woman  would  conceal  such  weakness  in  her 
own  bosom,'  she  continued  ;   '  /never  would  give  in.' 

"When  I  asked  her  if  she  called  physical  suffering  a 
'weakness,'  she  had  the  impertinence  to  insinuate  that 
my  headache  was  not  owing  to  a  disordered  stomach,  but 
to  a  disturbance  of  the  heart.  I  requested  her  to  leave 
me  to  myself ;  on  which  she  called  me  an  '  ungrateful 
thing'  to  make  such  a  return  for  her  sympathy.  Sym- 
pathy indeed  !  She  rejoices  in  my  sufferings.  They  en- 
able her  to  assume  airs  of  superiority.  Alas !  it  is  not 
from  her  own  sex  that  woman  in  misfortune  must  look 
for  sympathy. 

"  23cL — Still  confined.  Mr.  Peewit  looked  really  sorrow- 
ful when  he  came  limping  in  with  the  gruel.  He  said  he 
had  made  it  himself  with  the  assistance  of  the  cook.  He 
is  a  kind  soul  is  Peewit. 

"  The  good  doctor  also  came  to  see  me,  and  prescribed 
ipecac.  He  does  not  comprehend  the  delicacy  of  the  fe- 
male organization.  It  might  work  well  with  a  man.  Ilia 
pains  are  merely  physical.  Only  a  woman  understands 
the  organic  difference  between  the  sexes.  Yet  is  the  doc- 
tor a  well-meaning  person.  [The  monster !  I  see  him  in 
the  kitchen  window  talking  to  the  cook.  I  cannot  think 
of  eating  at  this  time.  Pity  is  the  only  feeling  I  have 
for  him.] 

"  2tth.  —  Still  reclining  on  my  sofa.  Oh,  how  wearily 
drag  the  long  hours !  Heigh-ho !  This  day  I  am  [erased] 
years  of  age.  He  had  the  effrontery  to  send  to  inquire 
how  I  was,  and  the  maliciousness  to  choose  Strongitharm 
as  his  messenger.  She  happened  to  come  in  just  as  I  was 
trying  on  my  new  green  dress.  Green  is  very  becom- 
ing to  my  style  of  —  that  is  to  say,  to  delicate  blondes. 


76  THE    rniLOSOPHERS    OF  FOVFOUVJLLE. 

The  yellow  dahlia  Mr.  Peewit  sent  me,  and  which  was 
placed  on  my  bosom,  heightened  the  color  considerably, 
and  contrasted  well  with  the  light-blue  trimmings  and  the 
red  coiffure.  I  looked  —  no  matter  how.  So  I  told  her 
I  was  perfectly  well  as  she  saw.  She  went  out  with  a 
disappointed  air.  "Was  it  envy?  Mr.  Peewit  said  he 
wished  his  ogre  (though  that  is  not  the  exact  word  he 
used)  dressed  like  me.     He  is  a  man  of  taste. 

"  25th.  —  I  see  from  my  window  Mr.  Lovell  and  Charity 
in  the  grove.  He  is  very  demonstrative.  It  is  a  pleas- 
ure to  watch  them,  —  love  is  so  rare.  What  a  passionate 
attachment  his  seems  to  be !  How  strange  that  a  mere 
chit  of  sixteen  should  inspire  such  ardent  devotion,  when 
those  in  whom  maturer  years  have  developed  all  the  full 
yearnings  of  woman's  nature  are  comparatively  neglected ! 
Where  are  man's  boasted  powers  of  reason  ?  Alas  !  he  has 
none  where  woman  is  concerned.  [The  only  sentiment 
he  excites  is  repulsion.  I  will  follow  him  to  the  end  of 
the  earth  for  the  sake  of  vengeance.  He  is  talking  to  the 
cook  again.] 

"  Afternoon.  —  I  have  spoken  to  Mr.  Lovell  about  him. 
He  said  he  believed  he  was  a  mere  adventurer  ;  '  after  her 
inoney,'  was  the  expression  he  used ;  that  Charity  posi- 
tively abhors  him.  The  dear  child  !  Lovell  has  more 
discernment  than  I  gave  him  credit  for. 

"  I  also  spoke  to  the  doctor  on  the  same  subject.  He 
told  me  I  was  nervous  and  excited,  and  had  better  go  to 
bed.  He  also  wanted  me  to  take  a  teaspoonful  of  sooth- 
ing syrup,  and  prepared  a  powerful  close  of  salts,  which 
he  insisted  on  my  drinking.  Mr.  Peewit,  who  was  pres- 
ent, and  observed  the  repugnance  expressed  on  my  coun- 
tenance, took  advantage  of  the  doctor's  back  being  turned 


THE    PHILOSOPHERS    OF   FOUFOUVLLLE.  77 

for  a  moment,  and  swallowed  the  nauseating  mixture 
himself.  Few  men  would  be  capable  of  such  self-sacri- 
ficing devotion.  My  looks  expressed  my  gratitude,  and 
Joseph  looked  happy.  Tears  of  contentment  stood  in  his 
eyes.  To  reward  him,  I  asked  him  to  stroll  with  me  in  the 
garden,  for  he  is  able  to  walk,  although  still  somewhat 
lame.  I  leaned  upon  his  arm,  being  weak  from  my  recent 
illness.  He  seemed  delighted  at  first,  but  in  about  half 
an  hour  became  embarrassed  in  his  manner,  and  appeared 
ill  at  ease.  We  sat  down  under  the  trees  ;  but  he  contin- 
ued restless,  as  if  .anxious  to  go  away  in  spite  of  my 
cheering  conversation,  and,  after  a  while,  suddenly  jumped 
up  and  left  me  abruptly.  Did  he  fear  to  be  overcome  by 
his  feelings  ?  Men  are  such  singular  beings !  I  really 
begin  to  believe  that  Joseph  appreciates  me. 

li26t7i.  —  Feel  almost  well  to-day,  but  think  it  prudent 
to  remain  in  my  room.  Bridget  brought  me  my  breakfast, 
with  a  bunch  of  wild  flowers,  from  Mr.  Peewit.  She  said 
Mr.  Malpest  was  such  a  'nice  gentleman.'  Ignorant 
creature  !  She  judges  only  by  externals.  Behold  Peewit ! 
He  is  not  exactly  handsome,  yet  is  his  a  nature  simple, 
perhaps,  but  generous,  and  even  possessed  of  a  certain 
amount  of  penetration.  He  has  discovered  my  superi- 
ority to  that  odious  she-dragon  who  has  appropriated  him. 
He  would  not  attempt  to  deceive  a  trusting  heart. 

"  THOUGHTS    FOB    MY    LECTURE    ON    THE    CO-KELATION    OF    THE 

SEXES. 

"  How  beautiful  are  the  home  affections  !  They  move 
in  perpetual  harmony,  like  the  heavenly  orbs  (and  are 
they  not  heavenly  in  their  nature  ?)  ;  and  when  the  fatal 


78  THE  pnizosornEiiS   OF  foufouville. 

shaft  takes  one  away,  it  leaves  a  void  that,  like  the  place 
of  the  lost  Pleiad,  can  never  he  refilled. 

"  What  the  sword  of  Alexander  was  to  the  Gordian 
knot,  so  is  a  harsh  word  to  that  of  true  love.  [A  pretty 
conceit.] 

"  Chemistry  tells  us  that  sometimes,  when  we  mingle 
two  elements  together,  a  portion  of  one  will  comhine  with 
the  other,  while  a  portion  still  remains  free.  If  this  latter 
come  in  contact  with  its  affinities,  it  will  all  be  absorbed 
in  chemical  unions. 

"  Thus,  few  or  none  of  us  find  all  our  sympathies  re- 
sponded to  by  another ;  some  affections  remain  unsatis- 
fied, or  go  to  waste.  Hence  we  sometimes  see  a  husband 
and  wife,  who  are  in  many  respects  congenial,  seeking  in 
others  the  satisfaction  of  those  sensibilities  that  meet  with 
repulsion  at  home. 

"In  an  all-absorbing  love  (if  such  there  could  be),  the 
loss  of  the  beloved  would  be  a  total  shipwreck  of  the 
heart.  Usually,  only  a  portion  of  the  cargo  is  lost,  and 
even  that  is  sometimes  recovered,  though  in  a  damaged 
condition. 

"  The  negative  pole  of  the  magnet  repels  the  negative, 
while  there  is  a  mutual  attraction  between  it  and  the  posi- 
tive. How  like  the  apparently  singular  plrysiological  fact, 
that  the  strongest  attachments  are  between  those  of  dis- 
similar or  opposite  temperaments !  Didst  ever  see  a 
child's  block-map  ?  'Tis  thus  that  the  affections  of  the 
happily  mated  become  interlocked.  [There  is  deep 
thought  in  this.] 


THE    PHILOSOPHERS    OF   FOUFOUVILLE.  79 

"  Behold  the  hands  of  a  timepiece  !  The  one  pursues 
the  other,  only  to  leave  it  when  overtaken.  Alas !  how- 
like  is  the  conduct  of  man  to  woman ! 

"As  the  ignorant,  seeing  not  the  hidden  springs,  think 
that  the  pendulum  makes  the  clock  go,  so  do  the  superfi- 
cial judge  of  our  motives  by  —  [erased].  [To  be  worked 
up.] 

"  Woman  cannot  enter  into  the  feelings  of  woman  to 
the  same  extent  as  man.  [Profound.]  JThe  male  and 
female  were  formed  to  be  united.  Separate,  like  blue  and 
yellow,  they  may  be  complementary  to  each  other,  but 
joined  together,  they  make  one  homogeneous  whole,  their 
natures  blended  in  verdant  harmony. 

"  Some  men  look  upon  women  as  mere  nothings.  Well, 
conceited  being,  granting  this  were  true,  nothing  (0) 
united  to  one  (1)  increases  its  value  tenfold  (10).  [Hap- 
pily put.] 

"  Like  the  Arabic  numerals,  the  language  of  love  is 
understood  by  all  nations.  To  use  an  algebraic  expres- 
sion, the  eyes  are  the  exponent  of  this  first  power  of 
nafure. 

"  Marriage  is  a  sort  of  Binomial  Theorem,  in  which,  if 
the  man  is  negative,  the  woman  is  certain  to  be  positive. 
They  increase  by  unity,  until  the  leading  power  (femi- 
nine) reaches  45. 

"  A  vulgar  man,  like  a  vulgar  fraction,  is  not  a  perfect 


80  THE    PHILOSOPHERS    OF   FOUFOUVILLE '. 

entity.    His  faults  may  be  called  his  denominators,  —  the 
greater  they  are,  the  less  he  is  worth. 

"  As  we  go  up  in  a  balloon,  we  find  that  all  is  frigid 
and  serene  in  the  upper  atmosphere.  Thus,  when  man 
soars  into  the  lofty  regions  of  philosophy,  he  looks  down 
with  disdain,  from  his  intellectual  elevation,  on  the  petty 
miseries  of  earth ;  but  those  cold,  calm  regions  are  not 
suited  to  the  tender  nature  of  woman.  Her  affections 
freeze  [rather  strong,  say  wither]  when  she  seeks  a 
higher  sphere  than  the  domestic  hearth. 

"The  poet  admires  the  uncultivated  charms  of  Na- 
ture, while  the  practical  man  has  an  eye  [I  don't  like  this 
expression]  for  the  well-tilled  field.  Thus  the  trifler 
looks  only  at  youth  and  beauty,  while  the  philosopher 
prefers  those  in  whom  the  furrows  of  time  indicate  the 
fruitfulness  of  reason. 

"  As  light  ploughing  suits  a  thin  soil,  so  shallow  people 
require  but  little  love.  A  deep  affection  would  be  wasted 
upon  them ;  it  would  meet  with  no  adequate  return. 
The  feelings  of  such  may  be  easily  harrowed,  but  a  few 
raindrops  of  tears  efface  the  impressions  of  the  past. 

"The  most  saccharine  vegetables  ripen  underground, 
and,  alas  !  how  much  sweetness  do  we  often  find  in  some 
humble  home,  buried,  as  it  were,  from  the  eyes  of  the 
world. 

"  Methinks  that  the  heart,  like  the  earth,  hath  its  hills 
and  its  vales ;  but  the  poorest  soil  is  on  the  hill-tops,  yet 


THE    PHILOSOPHERS    OF   FOUFOUVILLE.  81 

they  are  most  often  caressed  by  the  wandering  zephyr, 
■while  the  rich  soil  in  the  glen  below  rests  undisturbed  in 
its  calm  seclusion.  [Zephyr  is  a  pretty  word  ;  bring  it  in 
again.] 

"  A  deep  lake,  —  sylvan,  volatile  zephyr,  —  only  passes 
lightly  over  the  surface,  —  profound  depths, — unmoved, 
oysters  hidden  there,  with  pearls  in  'em,  —  gold-fish  too, 
no,*  not  gold-fish,  —  might  seem  an  allusion  to  filthy  lu- 
cre, and  perhaps  even  make  the  audience  think  of  eels. 
[Work  this  up.] 

"  In  winter  you  behold  only  a  landscape  of  snow ;  yet 
what  rich  meadows,  what  germs  of  fruitfulness  lie  dor- 
mant aud  concealed  beneath  it !  Thus  does  a  cold  and 
formal  manner  oft  mark  a  loving  nature,  in  which  the  warm 
affections,  the  marital  and  maternal  yearnings  of  women 
rest  undeveloped  by  the  rays  of  love. 

"  If  cold  hearts  sought  cold  climates,  and  warm  ones 
the  tropics,  the  women  would  all  be  congregated  at  the 
equator. 

"  In  the  starry  heavens  there  are  distant  worlds  which 
to  the  eye  of  ignorance  seem  as  one,  but  which  the  learned 
know  to  be  binary  ;  and  how  many  couples  are  there  who 
appear  to  be  happily  united,  but  whose  hearts  in  reality 
move  in  widely  separate  orbits ! 

"  Our  present  laws  make  the  connubial  tie,  a  hard  knot, 
easy  to  do,  difficult  to  undo.  How  much  better  were  it 
merely  a  beau-knot,  to  be  tied  or  untied  at  pleasure ! 


82  TUB  PHILOSOPHERS    OF  foufouville. 

"  The  passions  of  man  act  upon  his  heart  like  acids  on 
a  metal,  while  the  ennui  of  prolonged  maidenhood  is  like 
the  rust  of  time,  slower  in  its  operation,  but  none  the  less 
consuming. 

"  Yet  it  is  better  for  a  superior  woman  to  exist  alone, 
than  to  be  united  to  an  inferior  man.  In  the  one  case 
she  preserves  her  purity  undimmed  ;  in  the  other,  like  an 
alloy  of  silver  with  a  baser  metal,  she  becomes  lost  in  the 
union  and  her  beauty  is  tarnished.  [Belle  —  bell-metal,  — 
something  can  be  made  out  of  this.] 

"  Potassium  brought  in  contact  with  ice,  unites  in  com- 
bustion with  the  oxj-gen  which  it  separates  from  the  hy- 
drogen ;  thus  those  who  are  coldly  united  in  the  bond  of 
matrimony  may  become  inflamed  with  love  when  a 
stronger  aflinity  appears.     [Very  fine  —  scientific] 

"  Man  yearns  for  a  congenial  mind  ;  woman  for  a  con- 
genial heart.  Is  not  this  a  metaphysical  subtlety?  Is 
not  the  heart  (in  a  poetical,  not  an  anatomical  sense)  a 
figurative  expression  for  certain  qualities  of  the  mind  ? 
Let  us  then  say :  man  looks  for  kindred  intellectual  pow- 
ers ;  woman  for  kindred  sympathies.  Yet  how  can  we 
reconcile  this  with  the  old  adage  that  people  like  their 
opposites  ?  Does  not  this  apply  only  to  opposite  sexes  ? 

"  Man  (when  successful)  is  happy  in  the  love  that  he 
feels ;  woman  in  that  which  she  inspires.  [Only  par- 
tially true.] 

"  A  red-hot  poker  is  painful  to  the  touch ;  toss  it  in 
water,  and  the  heat,  being  diffused  among  the  particles  of 


THE    PHILOSOPHERS    OF    FOUFOUVILLE.  83 

the  liquid,  will  not  burn.  Thus,  if  our  affections  are  di- 
vided among  many,  we  may  pass  through  life  without  sor- 
row ;  it  is  only  when  they  are  concentrated  on  one  object 
that  love  becomes  a  consuming  flame.  [Good ;  but  the 
poker  is  objectionable.  Substitute  something  else  for  the 
poker.] 

('  As  a  little  match  will  kindle  a  great  fire,  so  doth 
some  trifling  act  of  kindness,  on  the  part  of  the  opposite 
sex,  start  the  flame  of  love. 

"Mr.  Peewit  says  that  a  married  couple  should  be 
called  three,  instead  of  one ;  because  the  woman  is  won, 
and  the  man  too.  But  this  is  a  vile  pun.  I  thought 
Joseph  was  above  such  nonsense. 

"  "What  respiration  is  to  the  body,  so  is  love  to  the 
soul ;  an  involuntary  function,  yet  woman  cannot  exist 
without  it. 

"  Platonic  love  is  an  ignis  fatuus.  People  may  think 
to  grasp  it,  but  no  one  ever  felt  it. 

"  Jealousy  and  love  may  exist  together,  like  an  amal- 
gam of  mercury  and  gold ;  but  the  warmth  of  true 
affection  drives  away  all .  trace  of  the  ignoble  portion  of 
the  compound,  and  leaves  the  other  pure. 

"  A  mirror  may  diminish  our  vanity ;  but  love  is  only 
increased  by  reflection. 

"  The  imagination  is  the  pilot-fish  of  love. 


84  THE   PHILOSOPHERS    OF   FOUFOUVILLE. 

"  There  may  be  •women  who  care  nothing  for  men  ;  but 
none  are  indifferent  to  Hymen.  Marriage  is  said  to  be  a 
lottery ;  but  to  enter  into  it  without  love,  —  to  marry  for 
the  sake  of  a  husband,  instead  of  the  individual,  —  is  like 
throwing  your  money  into  the  sea.  Yea,  more,  —  it  is 
like  throwing  yourself  into  a  sea  where  all  is  bitterness. 

"  "Woman  would  rather  be  adored  than  adorable. 

"  The  yoke  of  love,  like  a  yoke  of  oxen,  is  a  good  thing 
for  the  husbandman. 

"  To  her  who  is  indifferent,  all  men  are  men ;  to  her 
who  loves,  there  is  but  one  man  in  the  world  ;  all  the  rest 
are  merely  human  beings. 

"  If  men  knew  all  that  women  thought,  and  women  all 
that  men  thought,  how  very  differently — [Erased]. 
[This  idea  leads  to  such  frightful  conclusions,  that  I 
shrink  from  pursuing  it.] 

"  A  woman  with  only  beauty  to  recommend  her  is  like 
gilded  copper. 

"  More  women  are  lost  by  curiosity  than  by  passion. 
[How  few  men  are  aware  of  this  !] 

"  '  The  altar  of  Hymen,'  says  Mile.  Sophie  Arnauld, 
'  is  the  extinguisher  of  Love.' 

"  Is  it  not  rather  his  dark  lantern,  where  the  flame 
may  still  burn  brightly,  although  not  displayed  to  the 
world  ? 


THE    PHILOSOPHERS    OF  FOUFOUVILLE.  85 

"  27th.  —  Observed  Charity  sitting  under  the  trees, 
watching  the  proceedings  of  Messrs.  Lovell  and  Peewit 
in  the  melon-patch  beyond.  Saw  him  leave  his  office, 
cross  the  garden,  and  enter  into  conversation  with  her. 
Wishing  to  speak  to  Mr.  P.,  I  was  necessarily  obliged  to 
pass  through  the  grove.  As  I  did  so,  Charity  caught  me 
by  the  hand,  saying,  — 

"  '  I  want  a  witness.    Listen ! 

"  '  You  can  give  me  your  answer  at  another  time,'  said 
he. 

"  '  No,  sir,'  she  replied,  '  I  shall  give  it  now ;  and  it  is 
the  only  one  you  will  ever  get.  I  declare  to  j^ou,  in  the 
presence  of  Miss  Griffin,  that  I  am  utterly  indifferent  to 
you,  and  that,  come  what  may,  I  will  never  consent  to  be 
your  wife.' 

"  He  bowed  and  left.  But  as  he  turned  to  go  I  caught 
his  eye.  Oh,  the  triumph  of  that  moment !  "What  morti- 
fication and  rage  were  shown  in  his  face  !  Truly  I  may 
say  that  for  once  I  have  experienced  happiness.  Charity 
is  really  a  superior  girl.  No  wonder  Lovell  is  so  infatu- 
ated. 

"  Partook  of  a  hearty  meal  at  noon  in  my  room. 

"Evening.  Went  down  to  dinner  for  the  first  time 
since  my  illness.  The  good  doctor  took  me  by  the  hand, 
and  kindly  expressed  his  joy  at  seeing  me  about  again. 
My  indisposition,  he  said,  was  owing  to  my  not  having 
become  accustomed  to  the  perfect  harmony  and  entire 
absence  of  all  mental  agitation  of  our  new  life.  Heigh- 
ho  !  How  little  man  knows  of  the  secret  workings  of  a 
woman's  heart !  I  could  not  eat ;  and  Joseph  seemed 
much  concerned  on  my  account. 

"  28*7*.  Sabbath.  —  Mr.  Malpest  at  the  breakfast-table 

8 


86  THE    rniLOSOPHERS    OF   FOUFOTTTILLE. 

looked  ill  at  ease,  yet,  with  characteristic  dissimulation, 
he  ate  heartily.  What  an  effort  it  must  have  been !  I 
have  quite  recovered  my  health  and  spirits.  Wore  my 
green  dress,  and  Joseph  could  not  take  his  eyes  off  me. 
He  was  about  to  pay  me  some  handsome  compliment, 
when  Mrs.  S.  asked  him  to  pass  her  the  beans.  She  said 
she  once  had  a  parrot  whose  colors  matched  mine  exactly. 
The  malicious  bloomer !  I  told  her  I  once  saw  an  organ- 
grinder  with  a  dressed-up  monkey,  from  whose  costume 
I  presumed  she  had  copied  hers. 

"  Charity  remained  in  her  room,  and  Mr.  Lovell  had  no 
appetite.  The  doctor  was  in  high  spirits.  Everything, 
he  said,  was  working  so  harmoniously. 

"  At  ten  o'clock  he  assembled  us  in  the  oratory,  and 
gave  us  a  learned  discourse  on  the  prophets.  He  told  us 
that  after  forty  years'  hard  study  of  Revelations,  and  of 
Daniel's  prophecy  in  relation  to  the  four  prophetic  secular 
monarchies  of  the  Gentiles,  the  Babylonian,  Medo-Pcrsian, 
Grecian,  and  Roman,  he  had  at  last  found  the  key  by  which 
the  portals  of  these  mysteries  were  to  be  unlocked  ;  that 
the  explanation  of  the  whole  system  was  now  clear  to 
him,  both  in  its  application  to  the  past,  the  present,  and 
the  future.  From  the  incipient  disintegration  of  the  Ro- 
man Empire,  the  1260  days  foretold  (which  mean  years) 
point  clearly  to  the  year  1866  as  the  beginning  of  the  end 
of  the  Pope.  The  Napoleonic  dynasty,  being  the  seventh 
symbolical  and  the  eighth  apocabyptic  head  of  the  Ro- 
man Empire,  will  achieve  universal  dominion  preparatory 
to  its  final  overthrow.  Louis  Napoleon,  being  the  true 
666,  is  the  last  Anti-Christ,  and  the  final  depository  of 
Papal  authority  (for  the  Euphrates  evidently  means  the 
Seine,  —  Paris,  as  we  know,  being  the  modern  Babylon). 


THE    PHILOSOPHERS    OP  POUFOUVILLE.  87 

He  and  Monsieur  Eotlischild  (who  is  typified,  as  the 
dullest  understanding  can  see,  by  the  golden  candlestick 
with  seven  branches)  are  to  lead  the  Jews  back  to  Pales- 
tine, and  annihilate  the  Turks,  Mormons,  Quakers,  and 
all  other  heretics,  on  the  field  of  Armageddon. 

"  The  crucial  point  of  the  scheme  is  the  year  1866, 
when  there  will  be  a  general  cataclysm  of  nations,  after 
which  the  Millenium  will  begin.  From  Eevelations,  third 
chapter,  he  proves  conclusively  that  the  glorious  period  will 
be  inaugurated  at  Foufouville  ;  for  Laoclicea,  being  rich 
with  gold,  evidently  stands  for  New  York ;  Philadelphia  is 
mentioned  by  name,  and  Foufouville,  being  midway  be- 
tween them,  is  clearly  indicated  under  the  symbolical 
name  of  Sarclis.* 

"  Professor  Malpest,  who  has  doubtless  passed  a  rest- 
less night,  fell  asleep  during  the  discourse. 

"  Mr.  Lovell,  strange  to  say,  did  the  same. 

"  Joseph,  who  dislikes  sermons,  because,  as  he  says, 
they  weary  him,  slipped  away  before  the  doctor  began. 
While  taking  a  walk,  he  found  a  kitten,  to  whose  tail  some 
mischievous  youths  had  tied  a  tin  cup,  and  who  were 
amusing  themselves  by  stoning  it  and  otherwise  maltreat- 
ing it.  (Such  is  human  nature  !)  Joseph  took  the  unfor- 
tunate waif  a^pay  from  them  and  presented  it  to  me.  What 
a  kind  heart  he  has  !     Being  a  torn  I  named  it  Joe. 

"  Afternoon.  —  One  Mr.  Longshanks,  a  friend  of  Mi'. 
Lovell's,  arrived  at  noon.  He  is  a  fine-looking  person 
and  I  should  think  a  man  of  sensibility.  I  wonder  if  he 
is  married.     He  and  Lovell  have  been  walking  up   and 

*This  discourse  was  published  some  year3  afterwards  in  a  New  York 
newspaper,  but,  with  the  characteristic  unscrupulousness  of  a  piratical  press, 
was  not  credited  to  t)r.  Goodenough.  —  Note  by  the  Author. 


88  the  rniLOsornEiis  of  foufotjville. 

clown  the  garden  for  more  than  an  hour,  the  latter  appar- 
ently somewhat  excited.  What  can  be  the  matter?  It  is 
so  close  in  my  room  that  I  will  go  and  rest  awhile  in  the 
grove. 

"Evening. — As  I  was  passing  through  the  garden, 
I  caught  the  following  words. 

Lovell.  — '  —  Right  arm  be  withered  —  have  her  —  fair 
means  or  foul.' 

"  Longshanks.  — '  Keep  cool,  my  boy ;  keep  cool.  Look 
at  me  and  see  how  cool  I  am.  I'll  have  an  interview  with 
the  old  man,  and  perhaps  may  affect  a  change  in  his 
views.  "What  works  did  you  say  he  had  published? 
Studies  on  the  generation  of  Utopians,  and  what  else? 

•"Lovell.  —  'No,  no.  You've  got  them  mixed  up.  The 
New  Uto  — * 

"At  this  moment  they  entered  the  house  so  that  I 
unfortunately  heard  no  more." 


THE    PHILOSOPHERS    OF    FOVFOVVILLE.  89 


CHAPTER    V. 

A  Discussion  between  Dr.  Goodenough  and  Mr.  Longshanks. 

For  the  report  of  most  of  the  following  conversation 
we  are  indebted  to  Miss  GritBn,  and,  as  we  know  from 
other  sources  that  it  took  place  immediately  after  the  inci- 
dents related  at  the  conclusion  of  the  last  chapter,  the 
inference  is  unavoidable,  that,  led  by  her  inquiring  mind 
and  ardent  desire  to  seek  for  the  truth  under  all  circum- 
stances, that  young  lady  must  have  hastened  from  the 
garden  up  to  her  room,  where,  as  we  know,  there  were 
peculiar  facilities  for  finding  out  what  was  going  on  in 
the  doctor's  study  below. 

In  order  not  to  take  up  valuable  space,  we  omit  the 
preliminary  words  of  mere  politeness  with  which  the  dia- 
logue began,  and  which  ended  in  Dr.  Goodenough  and 
Mr.  Longshanks  being  seated  opposite  to  each  other. 

Longshanks.  —  "I  have  made  this  pilgrimage  to  Har- 
mony Hall,  sir,- in  the  hope  of  being  permitted  before  I  die 
to  enjoy  for  once  the  society  of  the  author  of  those  philan- 
thropical,  those  sublime,  those  immortal  works,  the  de- 
light and  solace  of  my  life,  the  '  Generation  of  Offspring ' 
—  I  mean  the  —  the  —  " 

Dr.  Goodenough.  — "  The  Regeneration  of  Man?  " 

Long. — Yes,  sir.  That's  it,  'The  Regeneration  of 
Man, '  and  '  Studies  on  the  Development  of  Healthy  Uto- 
pians.' " 

8* 


90  THE    riULOSOPIIERS    OF   FOUFOUVILLE. 

Doctor.  —  "  Offspring." 

Long.  —  "I  mean  '  Offspring,'  sir.  You  sec  I  am  some- 
what confused  at  finding  myself  in  your  presence  for  the 
first  time.  Man  cannot  gaze  on  the  sun,  and  preserve  an 
unruffled  countenance.  The  great  luminary  is  too  much 
for  him." 

Doctor.  —  "Stop,  my  good  friend.  Such  language 
should  not  be  used  to  a  mortal.  I  am  but  an  humble 
individual  striving  to  benefit  my  fellow-man.  If  any 
thanks  are  due  for  the  success  of  my  efforts,  give  them 
not  to  me,  but  to  the  source  of  the  inspiration  that  penned 
those  works.  I  am  gratified  to  hear  that  they  have  had 
so  great  an  influence  upon  you.  Thousands,  na}T,  millions 
are  destined  to  be  affected  in  the  same  way.  I  presume 
you  contemplate  joining  our  society  at  once  ?  " 

Long.  —  "I  regret  to  acknowledge,  sir,  that  just  at 
present  it  is  impossible  for  me  to  break  the  ties  that  bind 
me  to  the  world,  however  great  may  be  my  desire  to  do 
so.  It  is  to  my  friend  Mr.  Lovell  (whose  admiration  of 
your  works  is  equal  to  my  own)  that  I  am  indebted  for 
this  happiness,  the  privilege  of  being  here  to-day.  He  is 
a  superior  young  man." 

Doctor.  —  "  Brother  Leander  is  a  worthy  youth.  His 
instincts  are  good,  though  I  fear  he  is  yet  somewhat 
under  the  sway  of  his  passions ;  but  I  have  given  him 
some  sage  advice,  and  do  not  doubt  that  he  will  yet  over- 
come them  with  the  aid  of  reason." 

Long.  —  "He  is  honorably  connected,  has  excellent 
principles,  and  is  well  educated." 

Doctor.  —  "I  cannot  agree  with  you  on  the  latter  point. 
Why,  sir,  he  actually  does  not  understand  Greek  !  " 

Long.  —  "Of  what  use  is  Greek,  sir,  to  a  man  in  busi- 


THE    PHILOSOPHERS    OF   FOUFOUFILLE.  91 

ness,  —  that  is,  —  I  mean,  who  expected  to  go  into  busi- 
ness?" 

Doctor.  —  "  Sir,  Latin  and  Greek  are  the  foundation  of 
all  knowledge." 

Long.  —  "  But  are  they  worth  the  time  and  trouble  it 
takes  to  acquire  them  ?  What  do  you  gain  that  is  an  ade- 
quate compensation  for  years  spent  in  the  study  of  dead 
languages  ? " 

Doctor.  —  "  The  discipline  of  the  mind." 

Long.  —  "'To  discipline,'  according  to  Dr.  Johnson, 
means  '  to  educate,  to  regulate,  to  keep  in  order,  to 
reform,  to  chastise.'  Now,  whichever  of  these  words  may 
be  substituted  for  '  discipline '  in  the  above  expression,  it 
is  evident  that  the  effect  —  whatever  it  may  be  —  is  to  be 
produced  either  by  the  application  and  labor  necessary  in 
learning  these  difficult  languages,  or  else  by  reading  the 
books  that  are  written  in  them.  As  to  the  applica- 
tion and  labor,  as  much,  if  not  more,  are  required  to  mas- 
ter mathematics,  and  the  natural  sciences  ;  but  if  it  is  the 
study  of  a  language,  —  of  mere  words  without  ideas, — 
that  is  wanted  to  produce  this  peculiar  effect  of  '  disciplin- 
ing the  mind,'  we  have  modern  languages,  two  of  which, 
French  and  German,  are  considered  nearly  if  not  quite 
as  difficult  as  Greek  and  Latin. 

"If  this  'disciplining  the  mind,' — whatever  it  may 
mean,  — is  to  be  effected  by  reading  the  writings  of  antiq- 
uity, it  may  be  done  by  means  of  the  very  excellent  trans- 
lations that  have  appeared.  It  is  true  that  a  foreign 
phrase  cannot  always  be  given  in  English,  word  for  word, 
and  that  certain  idiomatic  expressions  may  occasionally 
lose  something  of  their  force  ;  but  in  a  good  translation 
the  spirit  and  ideas  must  remain  essentially  the  same 


92  THE    PHILOSOPHERS    OF    FOUFOUVILLE. 

as  in  the  original,  and  as  the  benefit  to  be  gained  is 
derived,  not  from  the  mere  words,  but  from  the  ideas,  it 
must  remain  the  same,  no  matter  in  what  tongue  they  are 
expressed." 

Doctor.  —  "You  forget  how  much  our  pleasure  is  en- 
hanced by  reading  the  thoughts  of  the  great  minds  of  for- 
mer times  in  their  own  language." 

Long.  —  "It  would  be  a  pleasure  dearly  purchased  by 
years  of  preparatory  study ;  besides,  if  every  one  could 
read  these  works  in  the  original,  how  few  would  have 
either  the  time  or  the  inclination  to  do  so  !  or,  if  they  had 
is  it  certain  that  their  perusal  would  repay  them  ?  " 

Doctor.  —  "  Not  repay  them  ?  Herodotus,  Plato,  Pliny ! " 

Long.  "  All  the  historical  works  of  the  Greeks  and 
Romans  are  filled  with  misrepresentation  and  supersti- 
tion. They  frequently  give  long  and  tiresome  harangues 
of  ambassadors  to  ambassadors,  or  generals  to  their 
troops,  which  were  never  really  spoken.  Suppose  Mr. 
Bancroft  should  write  interminable  disquisitions,  and  rep- 
resent them  in  his  '  History  of  the  United  States '  as  ora- 
tions delivered  by  General  "Washington  ;  would  his  work 
be  considered  trustworthy?  On  the  contrary,  the  very 
men  who  defend  this  fault  in  the  ancient,  would  condemn 
it  in  the  modern  writer. 

"  These  old  histories  have  other  and  more  important 
defects  ;  and  he  who  reads  them  for  the  sake  of  informa- 
tion becomes  confused  by  the  conflicting  accounts  of  the 
same  events,  the  exaggerations  and  the  prodigies  related  as 
facts.  He  knows  not  what  to  believe,  nor  what  to  disbe- 
lieve, and  finishes  them  with  a  feeling  of  dissatisfac- 
tion, if  not  of  disgust.  To  become  acquainted  with 
ancient  history,  we  must  turn  to  the  pages  of  Gibbon,  Nie- 


THE    PHILOSOPHERS    OF  FOUFOUVILLE.  93 

buhr,  Milnor,  and  others,  men  of  research  and  discrimi- 
nation, who  have  studied  and  sifted  the  writings  of  antiq- 
uity, and,  rejecting  what  is  evidently  false,  reconciling  the 
contradictions  where  it  is  possible  to  do  so,  and  where  it 
is  not,  adopting  the  most  probable  version,  have  given  us 
works  on  which  we  can  rely." 

The  doctor's  face  assumed  as  strong  an  expression  of 
contempt  as  was  possible  to  appear  on  his  benevolent 
countenance. 

Doctor.  —  "  Perhaps,  sir,  you  do  not  regard  the  philoso- 
phers of  ancient  times  as  sages  ?  " 

Long.  —  "The  philosophers  of  antiquity  have  a  high 
reputation  among  the  admirers  of  the  classics ;  and  those 
who  have  not  read  their  writings  doubtless  imagine  they 
were  the  prototypes  of  the  philosophers  of  modern  times. 
Excepting  in  regard  to  their  mathematicians,  there  can 
be  no  greater  error.  They  were  sometimes  men  of  virtuous 
lives, —  according  to  the  ideas  of  the  age  in  which  they 
lived,  —  and  their  discourses  undoubtedly  contain  some 
words  of  true  wisdom,  —  some  beautiful  and  sublime 
thoughts  ;  but,  for  each  grain  of  these,  the  reader  must  wade 
through  an  immense  amount  of  chaff  in  the  shape  of  long 
and  wearisome  disquisitions,  usually  in  the  form  of  dia- 
logues, full  of  hair-splitting  differences  of  opinion  on  mat- 
ters sometimes  utterly  unfathomable  by  human  wisdom,  and 
sometimes  easily  solved,  in  this  nineteenth  century,  with 
but  a  school-boy's  knowledge.  Macaulay  says  that '  all 
the  metaphysical  discoveries  of  all  the  philosophers,  from 
the  time  of  Socrates  to  the  Northern  invasion,  are  not  to 
be  compared  in  importance  with  those  which  have  been 
made  in  England  every  fifty  years  since  the  time  of  Eliz- 
abeth.'   John  Adams  says  that  after  reading  all  these 


94  the  rniLOsornERS  of  fovfovyille. 

metaphysical  subtleties  of  the  ancients  we  have  '  learned 
nothing ;  and  economy  of  time  requires  that  we  should 
waste  no  more  in  so  idle  an  amusement.'  Says  Jefferson, 
'  When  Plato  puts  into  the  mouth  of  Socrates  such  quib- 
bles on  words  and  sophisms  as  a  school-boy  would  be 
ashamed  of,  we  may  conclude  they  were  the  whimsies  of 
his  own  foggy  brain.'  How  puerile  and  nonsensical  their 
rigmaroles  appear,  compared  with  the  works  of  a  Bacon, 
a  Locke,  or  a  Humboldt ! " 

Mr.  Longshanks  had  evidently  become  excited  with  his 
subject.  He  rose  to  his  feet,  inadvertently  kicking  over 
his  chair  as  he  did  so  ;  and,  with  one  foot  planted  in  his 
hat,  whicb  he  had  crushed  on  the  floor,  one  arm  akimbo, 
and  gesticulating  rapidly  with  the  other,  he  continued  his 
diatribe.  As  to  the  doctor,  he  was  perfectly  aghast,  and 
sat  with  open  mouth,  and  spectacles  on  top  of  his  head, 
without  proffering  a  word  ;  Uke  the  Aztecs,  who,  when  the 
Spaniards  were  pulling  down  their  favorite  idols,  were  so 
taken  by  surprise  at  the  audacious  profanation,  that  they 
seemed  as  if  transfixed  with  horror  and  astonishment, 
and  could  not  move  to  their  assistance. 
Mr.  Longshanks  continued,  as  follows, — 
"  The  best  of  the  ethics  of  these  long-winded  old 
heathens  can  be  found  in  fewer  words  and  clearer  lan- 
guage in  the  ten  commandments.  But  if  it  is  a  waste  of 
time  to  read  their  moral  philosophy,  even  though  it  be 
correct,  the  same  can  hardly  be  said  of  their  natural 
philosophy,  for  if  one-half  the  information  they  give  us 
in  physical  science  is  founded  on  fact,  then  the  philoso- 
phers of  modern  times  hold  some  very  erroneous 
opinions,  and  the  sooner  they  go  through  a  course  of 
Plato,  Socrates,  etc.,  the  better.    The  wonders  revealed 


THE   PHILOSOPHERS    OF   FOUFOUVILLE.  95 

by  the  telescope  and  microscope,  and  by  chemical  analy- 
sis, are  insignificant  when  compared  to  some  of  the  dis- 
coveries claimed  by  the  sages  of  Greece. 

"  The  '  Timeus '  of  Plato  is  looked  upon  by  pedants  as 
one  of  the  most  profound  works  ever  written.  Such  is 
its  profundity,  that  persons  whose  mental  vision  is  limited 
by  common  sense  are  unable  to  see  anything  whatever  in 
its  muddy  depths.  In  this  learned  effusion  we  are  in- 
formed that  there  are  just  four  elementary  bodies,  of 
which  all  other  substances  are  formed,  namely :  air,  earth, 
fire,  and  water ;  and,  moreover,  that  three  of  these  ele- 
ments are  composed  of  scalene  triangles,  and  the  fourth 
of  isosceles  triangles. 

"  One  Anaximenes  taught  that  the  heavens  were  a  vault 
of  solid  crystal,  in  which  the  stars  were  inserted  like 
nails.  The  sun,  he  said,  was  about  the  same  size  as  the 
earth.  But  Anaxagoras  looked  upon  Anaximenes  with 
contempt,  because  he  could  prove  that  its  diameter  was 
no  greater  than  that  of  the  Peloponnesus  ;  while  Herac- 
litus  considered  them  both  ignoramuses  ;  for,  in  his  eyes, 
it  was  only  as  large  as  a  house.  Anaximander  believed 
the  moon  to  be  on  fire ;  Empedocles,  that  it  was  as  far 
from  the  earth  as  from  the  sun.  One  of  these  old  wise- 
acres telis  us  that  the  earth  is  square  and  flat ;  another, 
that  it  is  shaped  like  a  soup-plate  ;  and  another  that  it  has 
the  exact  form  of  a  kettle-drum.  Zeno  says  that  it  is  the 
centre  of  the  universe,  and  that  the  firmament  revolves 
around  it ;  and  this  was  the  general  opinion  of  the  ancients. 

"  Now,  there  once  lived  an  English  gentleman,  named 
Newton,  —  Sir  Isaac  Newton,  —  who  is  considered  pretty 
good  authority  on  matters  of  natural  science.  And  it  was 
the  belief  of  this  Sir  Isaac  Newton  that  these  ancient 


96  TIIE   rniLOSOPUERS    OF  foufouvjlle. 

hypotheses  were  utterly  false  and  absurd.  The  fact  is 
that  in  those  days  people  had  but  little  correct  informa- 
tion on  physical  matters.  While  they  excelled  in  sculp- 
ture and  architecture,  and  had  made  considerable  progress 
in  mathematics,  and  even  in  astronomy,  notwithstanding 
some  erroneous  notions,  their  geographical  knowledge  was 
limited  almost  to  the  shores  of  the  Mediterranean ;  medi- 
cine was  in  its  infancy  (and  perhaps  is  still)  ;  surgery  was 
but  a  branch  of  butchery  ;  while  chemistry,  geology,  and 
other  kindred  sciences  were  utterly  unknown.  Lord  Bacon 
had  not  yet  inculcated  the  principles  of  inductive  science  ; 
and  the  so-called  philosophers  of  the  time,  instead  of  seeking 
to  discover  facts  on  which  to  found  theories,  began  by 
fancying  some  whimsical  hypothesis,  which  they  pretended 
to  prove  by  reasoning,  more  or  less  logical  or  illogical,  or 
by  a  statement  of  facts  which  they  found,  not  in  Nature, 
but  in  their  imaginations  ;  and  it  would  seem  that  just  in 
proportion  as  their  imaginations  were  vivid,  did  their 
equally  ignorant,  but  less  imaginative  followers  look. up 
to  them  as  sages,  and  regard  them  with  veneration. 

"  In  the  idle  and  ignorant  population  of  Athens,  these 
old  rhapsodists  easily  found  a  few  followers,  as  Jane 
Southcote,  Mother  Lee,  Joe  Smith,  and  other  worthies 
have  done  in  more  recent  times  ;  but  they  and  their  doc- 
trines were  contemned  by  the  more  sensible  of  the  people, 
at  least  we  may  infer  that  such  was  the  case,  from  the 
writings  of  contemporary  dramatists. 

"  Aristophanes,  in  his  farce  of  the  '  Clouds,'  treats  some 
of  the  principal  among  them,  and  their  teachings,  with 
the  most  unmeasured  ridicule  and  contempt,  not  only 
lavishing  upon  them  such  epithets  as  '  imbeciles,'  and 
'charlatan  vagabonds,'  but  directly  accusing  them  of 


THE   PHILOSOPHERS    OF    FOUFOUVILLE.  97 

crimes  against  the  morals  of  the  people,  and  the  religion 
and  laws  of  the  State.  The  admirable  dialogue  between 
impersonifications  of  justice  and  injustice  is  a  biting  crit- 
icism on  the  ethics  of  the  philosophers.  Now,  if  these 
gentlemen  had  been  held  in  any  estimation  by  the  Athe- 
nian public,  it  is  hardly  credible  that  Aristophanes  would 
have  deliberately  ventured  to  revile  and  ridicule  them  in 
so  merciless  a  manner.  We  may,  therefore,  conclude  that 
by  all  their  contemporaries,  excepting  their  immediate 
followers,  they  were  looked  upon  in  very  much  the  same 
light  as  the  crack-brained  individual  who,  some  years  ago, 
was  accustomed  to  hold  forth  from  the  steps  of  the  city 
hall  in  New  York,  calling  himself  the  Angel  Gabriel. 

"  It  was  not  discovered  that  they  were  sages  until  they 
had  become  ancients. 

"  One  somewhat  unorthodox  modern  writer,  named 
Anthon,  calls  their  notions  '  a  train  of  fanciful  concep- 
tions, numbers,  ideas,  proportions,  qualities,  and  element- 
ary forms,  in  which  philosophers  took  refuge  as  the 
asylum  of  ignorance.' 

"  In  reading  their  absurdities,  one  is  tempted  to  fancy 
that  if  the  individual  who  asserted  that  the  moon  was 
made  of  green  cheese,  or  old  Mother  Goose,  who  declared 
that  the  cow  jumped  over  it,  had  been  so  fortunate  as  to 
have  lived  a  few  thousand  years  ago,  they  also  might 
have  set  up  for  philosophers. 

"These  old  fellows  appear. to  have  written  their  lucu- 
brations rather  for  the  sake  of  displaying  their  rhetorical 
or  argumentative  powers,  than  for  any  useful  purpose  ;  in 
fact,  they  constantly  assert,  in  their  works,  that  it  is  be- 
neath the  dignity  of  philosophy  to  endeavor  to  alleviate 
the  physical  sufferings,  or  to  add  to  the  material  comforts 
9 


98  TD.E    PHILOSOPHERS    OF   FOUFOUVILLE. 

of  life.  The  learned  men  —  that  is  to  say,  the  men  of 
science  —  of  modern  times,  write,  and  not  only  write,  but 
study  and  labor  in  order  to  discover  facts  that  may  ben- 
efit their  fellow-men ;  and  the  classical  scholar,  who 
studies  by  gas-light,  who  travels  by  steam,  who  sends  an 
important  message  by  the  electric  telegraph,  who  under- 
goes a  surgical  operation,  which,  owing  to  the  influence 
of  chloroform,  seems  like  a  pleasing  dream,  or  who  has 
been  saved  from  the  small-pox  by  vaccination,  is  certainly 
unappreciative  and  ungrateful,  if  he  does  not  acknowl- 
edge that  the  men  to  whom  he  owes  these  blessings  have 
done  more  for  his  happiness,  and  are  more  deserving  of 
admiration  than  all  the  stoic,  epicurean,  platonic,  peri- 
patetic, laughing  and  crying  philosophers  that  ever  lived." 

Longshanks  now  paused  to  take  breath.  The  doctor, 
who  was  still  in  a  bewildered  state  of  mind,  could,  only 
say,  in  an  indignant  tone,  "  Go  on,  sir,  go  on." 

So  Mr.  Longshanks  went  on. 

"Those  who  have  not  read  the  celebrated  'Natural 
History'  of  Pliny  sometimes  labor  under  the  delusion 
that  it  is  a  standard  work  on  this  subject.  Such  is  not 
the  opinion  of  Monsieur  Cuvier. 

"  Some  of  the  statements  of  Pliny  are  undoubtedly  cor- 
rect, such  as  that  a  cow  has  horns,  an  ass  ears,  etc. ;  but 
his  work  is  chiefly  filled  with  monstrous  accounts  of 
dragons,  winged  horses,  the  phoenix,  basilisks,  salaman- 
ders, mermaids,  and  fish  that  are  connoisseurs  of  music. 
Cuvier,  one  of  the  most  profound  and  exact  naturalists 
that  ever  lived,  and  who  gave  the  animal  kingdom  its 
present  classification,  treats  the  work  of  Pliny  with  the 
utmost  contempt,  calling  its  author  '  a  compiler  devoid 
of  genius,  research,  or  discrimination,  or  any  personal 


THE    PHILOSOPHERS    OF   FOUFOUVILLE.  99 

knowledge  of  the  subject  on  which  he  wrote,  who  collected 
in  a  confused  mass,  mingling  what  was  false  with  what 
was  true,  all  the  vulgar  errors  and  superstitions  of  his 
time.' 

"  Should  some  future  biographer  draw  a  Plutarchian 
parallel  between  Pliny  and  Professor  Agassiz,  it  would, 
doubtless,  be  like  this :  '  If  these  great  men  resembled 
each  other  in  their  lives,  inasmuch  as  they  both  interested 
themselves  in  natural  history,  they  differed  in  their  man- 
ner of  acquiring  information.  While  the  American  sought 
for  facts  by  direct  observation  and  experiment,  the  Ko- 
man  contented  himself  with  noting  down  the  silly  super- 
stitions of  an  ignorant  people.  If  the  modern  is  correct 
as  to  his  facts,  and  his  theories  are  logical  deductions 
from  them,  those  of  the  ancient  are  unworthy  of  belief, 
and  his  speculations  on  them  ridiculous.  Lastly,  if  the 
writings  of  Agassiz  are  invaluable  to  the  student,  those 
of  Pliny  are  as  worthless  and  as  incredible  as  the  stories 
of  Baron  Munchausen.' " 

The  doctor's  indignation  now  became  stronger  than  his 
astonishment.  However,  he  choked  down  his  rising 
wrath  and  with  an  effort  at  calmness,  said,  — 

"I  am  astonished ;  such  paradoxical  sentiments  I 
never  heard  expressed  before.  What  is  the  world  coming 
to  ?  Now,  granting  for  the  sake  of  argument  that  the 
ancient  chroniclers  are  untrustworthy,  the  natural  histori- 
ans given  to  the  supernatural,  the  philosophers  unphilo- 
sophical,  what  say  you  to  the  poets,  dramatists,  orators, 
etc.,  —  are  not  their  works  worth  reading  ? 

Long. —  "Many  of  them  are,  for  some  of  them  are 
among  the  finest  ever  written  ;  but  most  of  them  contain 
passages,  or  sentiments,  so  licentious  and  gross,  that  if 


100  THE    PHILOSOPHERS    OF    FOUFOUVILLE. 

found  iii  a  modern  book,  they  would  cause  it  to  be  ban- 
ished from  a  respectable  library. 

"  The  indiscriroinating  admirers  of  the  classics  are 
generally  pedants  who  have  been  educated  in  the  idea 
that  these  works  arc  the  perfection  of  human  genius,  and 
judging  everything  by  its  comparison  with  the  ancient, 
every  modern  performance  appears  to  them  defective  .just 
inasmuch  as  it  differs  from  their  false  standard  ;  as  the 
Hottentot,  comparing  the  missionary's  white  wife  with 
his  own  sable  mistress,  objects  to  her  fair  complexion, 
and  clear  blue  eyes,  and  deems  no  article  of  her  dress  so 
becoming  as  the  ring  in  his  lad}''s  nose. 

"  These  pedants  sometimes  have  sufficient  discernment 
to  detect  the  real  faults  in  a  contemporary  work,  but 
their  perverted  judgment  can  see  none  in  one  written  two 
thousand  years  ago.  In  every  silly  platitude  or  ridicu- 
lous error  they  fancy  some  occult  meaning.  As  Thack- 
eray sarcastically  observes,  '  They  would  mention  Pythag- 
oras' precept  to  abstain  from  beans,  and  say  that  he 
probably  meant  to  insinuate  thereby  that  wise  men  should 
abstain  from  public  affairs  ; '  or  Dean  Swift,  — 

"  '  As  learned  commontators  view 
In  Homer  more  than  Homor  knew.' 

"  This  propensity  to  admire  the  old,  apparently  only 
because  old,  at  the  expense  of  the  new,  has  always  pre- 
vailed. Even  some  of  those  whom  we  now  regard  as 
ancients  complained  of  this  as  an  injustice  to  themselves. 
Thus  Horace,  in  his  first  epistle  to  Augustus,  speaking 
of  some  poem  written  several  centuries  before  his  time, 
asks,  '  Are  verses  like  wine  which  time  renders  better  ? ' 
And  again,  in  the  same  letter,  '  Is  it  reasonable  that  peo- 


THE    PHILOSOPHERS    OF   FOUFOUVILLE.  101 

pie  should  go  into  ecstasies  over  a  long  poem  for  a  bril- 
liant word  here  and  there,  or  a  few  verses  that  run 
smoothly  ? ' 

"  If  what  I  have  urged  against  ancient  literature  be 
false,  and  all  the  classics,  unreliable  historians,  ignorant 
philosophers,  immoral  poets,  and  all  deserved  to  be  read, 
and  it  were  worth  while  to  learn  Latin  and  Greek  in 
order  to  read  them,  there  would  still  remain  an  argument 
against  the  enforced  study  of  these  languages,  which  is 
wholly  disconnected  with  the  value,  or  worthlessness,  of 
works  written  in  them  ;  this  is,  that  of  all  those  who  are 
obliged  to  spend  so  much  time  in  poring  over  Latin 
•  Grammars  and  Greek  lexicons  not  one  in  a  thousand 
acquires  sufficient  proficiency  to  read  Latin  and  Greek 
with  any  fluency,  or  consequently  any  pleasure ;  and  of 
those,  but  a  very  small  portion  ever  go  through  a  course 
of  classical  reading,  or,  in  fact,  ever  read  one  quarter  of 
the  standard  works  in  their  own  language  ;  while,  as  to 
the  great  majority  of  students,  they  who  cannot  or  will 
not  become  proficients  in  the  dead  languages,  school  and 
college  days  over,  the  classics  are  thrown  aside  forever, 
and  the  mass  of  words  forced  into  unwilling  minds,  at  the 
expense  of  so  much  time  and  trouble,  are  soon  forgotten 
in  the  turmoil  of  business  and  society.  Hence,  whatever 
advantages  there  may  be  in  knowing  Latin  and  Greek, 
they  are  lost  to  them,  and  the  years  they  were  obliged  to 
waste  in  endeavoring  to  learn  them,  and  which  might 
have  been  profitably  employed,  have  been  spent  in  vain." 

Longshanks'  flood  of  words  was  apparently  too  much 
for  the  doctor.  He  appeared  to  be  almost  overcome,  and 
made  but  feeble  efforts  to  stem  the  torrent. 

Doctor.  —  "We  sometimes  meet  learned  foreigners 
9* 


102  THE    PHILOSOPHERS    OF    FOUFOVVILLE. 

who  do  not  speak  English,  but  understand  the  dead  lan- 
guage-.'' 

Long.  — "  Sir,  you  might  as  well  learn  Hebrew  in  the 
hope  of  some  day  having  a  chat  with  the  Wandering 
Jew." 

Doctor. —  "Think  how  much  a  classical  education 
adds  to  our  appreciation  of  the  beautiful,  architectural, 
and  sculptural  remains  of  antiquity." 

Long. —  "Think  how  much  a  kuowledge  of  French 
adds  to  our  appreciation  of  Paris  fashions,  and  how  much 
speaking  Chinese  would  improve  the  flavor  of  tea !  " 

Doctor.  —  "The  study  of  Latin  and  Greek  facilitates 
the  acquisition  of  modern  languages." 

Long.  —  "  This  is  true  ;  but  it  is  absurd  to  offer  it  as 
an  argument  for  learning  them.  You  might  as  well  say 
that  a  man  should  learn  to  ride  on  an  elephant  that  he 
might  the  more  easily  learn  to  ride  on  horseback." 

Doctor.  —  (With  an  air  of  triumph,)  "The  deriva- 
tion of  words." 

Long.  —  "Many  of  our  words  are  derived  from  Latin 
and  Greek,  and  many  more  from  French,  German,  etc. ; 
but  none  of  these  are  original  languages,  and  suppose 
they  were,  what  of  it?  Of  what  advantage  would  it  be 
to  know  the  derivation  of  words  ?  " 

Doctor  —  "  It  would  give  us  a  clearer  comprehension 
of  our  own  tongue." 

Long.  —  "I  think  not,  sir.  While  many  words  have 
the  same  meaning  as  their  foreign  or  ancient  derivatives, 
others  have  changed  or  modified  their  signification,  and 
are  still  doing  so,  as  any  person  who  has  read  works 
written  in  English  a  few  centuries,  or  even  a  century 
ago,  must  be  aware.    Now  if  a  word  conveys  precisely 


THE    PHILOSOPHEBS    OF   FOUFOOVILLE.  103 

the  same  idea  in  English  as  its  derivative,  it  is  impossible 
that  a  knowledge  of  the  language  of  the  latter  can  make 
its  meaning  any  clearer  to  us  ;  while,  if  the  derivative  has 
a  different  sense,  it  is  plain  that  an  acquaintance  with 
that  fact  must  cause  the  English  word  to  carry  less  pre- 
cision of  signification  to  the  mind,  by  confusing  us  with 
two  ideas  at  once.  We  do  not  experience  a  double  en- 
joyment by  listening  at  the  same  time  to  two  different 
pieces  of  music. 

"  But  supposing  this  was  not  so,  and  that  understanding 
the  dead  languages  was  an  advantage  to  us  in  English, 
would  not  this  be  a  very  trifling  return  to  urge  as  a  reason 
for  giving  up  years  to  their  study  ? 

"  To  a  lexicographer  a  knowledge  of  the  derivation  of 
words  is  essential,  and  the  more  he  knows  of  Greek, 
Latin,  Hebrew,  Sanscrit,  French,  German,  High  Dutch, 
Low  Dutch,  Saxon,  Norse,  Danish,  Persian,  Chaldee,  etc., 
etc.,  etc.,  the  better.  But  we  do  not  all  intend  to  compile 
dictionaries  ;  and  it  may  well  be  doubted,  if,  to  those  who 
do  not,  it  would  be  of  any  more  practical  utility  to  have 
at  their  tongues'  end  the  derivation  of  every  word  in  the 
language,  than  when  eating  an  apple-pie  to  know  where 
the  apples  came  from." 

The  doctor  sank  back  in  his  chair  and  actually  gasped 
for  breath.  It  was  some  minutes  before  he  recovered 
from  the  shock  his  feelings  had  received. 

Doctor.  —  "The  dead  languages  are  a  good  basis  to 
the  various  pursuits  of  life." 

Long.  —  "  There  are  few  pursuits  to  which  such  a  basis 
is  worth  its  expense.  A  four-story  house  may  require  a 
foundation  fifteen  or  twenty  feet  in  depth ;  but  a  man 


104  THE    PniLOSOPHEIlS    OF    FOUFOUVILLE. 

would  be  a  fool  who  built  oue  equally  deep  for  his  hen« 
house. 

"  Among  the  professions  in  the  study  of  which  Latin 
and  Greek  arc  supposed  to  be  of  the  greatest  service,  are 
medicine  and  law;  yet  many  physicians  and  lawyers 
have  risen  to  eminence  without  them.  It  may,  indeed,  be 
asserted  that  classical  learning  would  have  been  of  some 
assistance  to  them  ;  but  it  can  be  said,  on  the  other  hand, 
that  the  time  which,  under  other  circumstances,  they 
would  have  spent  in  acquiring  it,  was  doubtless  passed  in 
gaining  knowledge  more  directly  useful.  It  is  true  there 
are  some  Latin  and  Greek  words  and  phrases,  that  a 
physician  or  lawyer  is  obliged  to  understand ;  but  these 
are  so  few  that  they  can  easily  be  learned  in  studying  the 
rudiments  of  his  profession.  To  learn  a  whole  language 
for  the  sake  of  a  dozen  words  is  no  more  reasonable  than 
it  would  be  to  gather  a  whole  orchard  of  apples  to  make 
the  apple-pie  just  spoken  of. 

"  There  will  doubtless  alwa}^s  be  found  some  persons  to 
maintain  that  a  knowledge  of  Latin  and  Greek  is  neces- 
sary in  their  particular  avocations.  Whether  they  be 
right  or  wrong,  let  them  study  these  languages  if  they 
will ;  let  them  become  perfect  Porsons  if  they  can ;  but 
because  they  think  this  learning  useful  to  them,  —  a  few, 
—  is  it  right  that  its  attempted  acquisition  should  be 
made  obligatory  on  everybody  else  ?  It  is  no  more  just 
than  it  would  be  for  the  whole  world  of  M.  D.s,  D.D.s, 
LL.D.s,  and  all  to  be  forced  to  waste  a  portion  of  their 
lives  in  learning  to  turn  back  somersets  or  to  walk  on 
their  heads,  because  they  are  accomplishments  required 
in  the  calling  of  a  clown.  In  fact,  considering  the  little 
attention  given  to  physical  development  in  the  United 


THE    PHILOSOPHERS    OF   FOUFOUVILLE.  105 

States,  I  think  that  these  gymnastic  performances  might 
be  substituted  for  the  dead  languages  with  great  advan- 
tage, not  only  to  the  bodily  but  to  the  intellectual  pro- 
gress of  the  rising  generation. 

"  Yet  this  supposition  that  Latin  and  Greek  are  of  use 
in  a  few  professions  is  one  of  the  principal  pretexts  for 
making  everybody  study  them.  Would  it  not  be  wiser  to 
confine  the  efforts  of  young  scholars  to  the  gaining  of 
information  useful  to  all,  leaving  it  to  those  who  think 
they  will  need  these  languages,  the  time,  trouble,  and  ex- 
pense of  learning  them  ?  " 

A  smile  of  complacent  scorn  passed  over  the  doctor's 
face. 

"Happily,  sir,"  said  he,  "your  absurd  notions  are  not 
shared  in  by  others." 

Long.  —  "  You  are  mistaken,  sir.  I  have  in  my  pocket 
a  paper  on  education,  by  the  Rev.  Sidney  Smith,  and  as 
his  profession,  his  reputation,  and  his  known  moderation, 
learning,  and  ability  add  weight  to  his  words,  I  will  take 
the  liberty  of  reading  a  few  passages.  He  says,  '  There 
never  was  a  more  complete  instance  in  any  country  of 
such  extravagant  and  overacted  attachment  to  any  branch 
of  knowledge  than  that  which  obtains  in  England  with 
regard  to  classical  knowledge.  .  .  .  Now,  this  long  career 
of  classical  study  you  may,  if  you  please,  denominate  a 
foundation ;  but  it  is  a  foundation  so  far  above  ground, 
that  there  is  absolutely  no  room  to  put  anything  upon  it. 
If  you  occupy  a  man  with  one  thing  till  he  is  twenty-four 
years  of  age,  you  have  exhausted  all  his  leisure  time. 
He  is  called  into  the  world  and  compelled  to  act,  or  is 
surrounded  with  pleasures,  and  thinks  and  reads  no  more. 
If  you  have  neglected  to  put  other  things  into  him,  they 


106  THE    PIIILOSOPIIERS    OF   FOUFOUriLLE. 

will  never  get  in  afterwards.  If  you  have  fed  him  only 
with  words,  he  will  remain  a  narrow  and  limited  being 
to  the  end  of  his  existence.  .  .  .  When  a  young  man 
has  finished  his  education,  the  great  system  of  facts 
with  which  he  is  most  perfectly  acquainted  are  the  in- 
trigues of  the  heathen  gods,  .  .  .  talents  for  speculation 
[speculation,  so  useful  to  an  American],  and  original  in- 
quiry he  has  none,  nor  has  he  formed  the  invaluable  habit 
of  tracing  things  up  to  their  first  principles,  or  of  collect- 
ing dry  and  unamusing  facts  as  the  materials  of  reason- 
ing. ...  A  classical  scholar  is  a  man  principally  ac- 
quainted with  the  works  of  the  imagination ;  ...  all  the 
solid  and  masculine  parts  of  his. understanding  are  left 
wholly  without  cultivation.'  Speaking  of  classical  ped- 
ants, he  says,  '  Their  minds  have  been  so  completely  pos- 
sessed by  exaggerated  notions  of  classical  learning,  that 
they  have  not  been  able,  in  the  great  school  of  the  world, 
to  form  any  other  notion  of  real  greatness  ;  .  .  .  their  ob- 
ject in  life  is  not  to  reason,  imagine,  or  invent,  but  to 
conjugate,  decline,  and  derive.  .  .  .  The  English  clergy, 
in  whose  hands  education  chiefly  rests,  bring  up  the  first 
young  men  in  the  country  as  if  they  were  all  to  keep 
grammar  schools.  .  .  .  An  infinite  quantity  of  talent  is 
thus  annually  destroyed  in  the  universities.  ...  In  those 
who  were  destined  for  the  church,  we  would  undoubtedly 
encourage  classical  learning  more  than  in  any  other  body 
of  men  ;  but  if  we  had  to  do  with  a  young  man  going  out 
into  public  life,  we  would  exhort  him  to  contemn,  or  at 
least  not  to  affect,  the  reputation  of  a  great  scholar.  He 
should  learn  what  the  constitution  of  his  country  was, 
how  it  had  grown  into  its  present  state,  the  perils  that 
had  threatened  it,  the  malignity  that  had  attacked  it,  the 


THE    PHILOSOPHERS    OF   FOUFOUVILLE.  107 

courage  that  had  fought  for  it,  the  wisdom  that  had  made 
it  great.'  Sidney  Smith  wrote  only  for  England  ;  but  if 
this  excessive  devotion  to  classical  studies  is  uncalled  for 
there,  where  so  large  a  portion  of  those  who  go  through 
it  are  born  to  hereditary  fortunes,  and  are  consequently 
at  leisure  to  pass  their  lives  in  the  cultivation  of  liter- 
ary tastes,  or  in  doing  nothing,  how  much  more  useless 
must  it  be  in  America,  where  so  few  can  afford  to  be 
idle? 

"  The  majority  of  men  in  the  United  States  are  engaged 
in  mercantile  or  agricultural  pursuits.  Now,  granting 
that  a  knowledge  of  the  dead  languages  may  be  of  some 
assistance  in  two  or  three  professions,  will  any  one  assert 
that  they  can  be  of  as  much  use  to  a  merchant  or  farmer 
as  the  modern  languages  to  the  former  or  the  natural 
sciences  to  the  latter  ? 

"  Thomas  Jefferson,  —  a  man  of  wealth,  of  classical  learn- 
ing, and  an  admirer  of  the  best  writings  of  antiquity, 
who  lived  while  the  paramount  utility  of  classical  studies 
was  still  unquestioned,  before  science  had  perfected  the 
steam-engine,  the  electric  telegraph  been  thought  of,  or 
Liebig  published  his  researches  in  agricultural  chemistry, 
—  when  asked  his  opinion  as  to  the  study  of  Latin  and 
Greek,  spoke  doubtingly  in  its  favor,  adding,  '  For  the 
merchant,  I  should  not  say  those  languages  are  a  necessity  ; 
ethics,  mathematics,  geography,  political  economy,  his- 
tory, seem  to  constitute  the  immediate  foundations  of 
his  calling ;  the  agriculturist  needs  ethics,  mathematics, 
chemistry,  and  natural  philosophy.'  But  there  is  no  hesi- 
tation in  his  mind  when  speaking  of  French.  '  The  French 
language,'  he  says,  '  become  that  of  the  general  inter- 
course of  nations,  and,  from  their  extraordinary  advances, 


108  THE    rniLOSOPIIERS    OF   FOUFOUVILLE. 

now  the  depository  of  all  science,  is  an  indispensable  part 
of  the  education  of  both  sexes.' 

"  He  gave  a  practical  illustration  of  the  comparative 
value  he  placed  on  different  branches  of  study  by  the 
course  he  proposed  should  be  pursued  at  the  University 
of  Virginia.  The  students  being  supposed  to  have  re- 
ceived an  elementary  education,  only  a  part  of  the  first 
year  was  to  be  given  to  languages  ;  the  rest  of  that  year, 
and  the  whole  of  the  two  following  ones  were  to  be  devoted 
to  mathematics  and  scientific  studies,  particularly  chemis- 
try, gcolog}^,  botany,  and  mineralogy  ;  '  but  the  students 
were  not  to  be  all  held  to  one  prescribed  course  of  study. 
Elementary  qualification  only  was  required  in  general 
knowledge,  while  they  were  at  liberty  to  apply  themselves 
more  exclusively  to  those  branches  which  were  to  qualify 
them  for  the  particular  vocations  to  which  they  were  des- 
tined.' 

"  Now,  if  these  studies  were  worthy  of  the  high  compara- 
tive position  thus  assigned  them  fifty  or  sixty  years  ago, 
of  how  much  greater  importance  must  they  be  -at  the 
present  time,  when  such  advances  have  been  made  in  all 
of  them? 

"  It  is  not  to  the  men  of  classical  learning,  but  to  the 
men  of  science  that  we  are  indebted  for  nearly  all  the 
comforts  of  civilized  life.  The  mere  classical  scholar  may 
possibly  be  an  ornamental,  but  he  certainly  is  not  a  useful, 
member  of  society.  A  Davy,  a  Watts,  a  Fulton,  a 
Franklin,  the  inventor  of  a  reaping  or  sewing  machine, 
a  steam  plough,  or  a  method  of  lessening  the  cost  of 
cotton,  iron,  or  any  other  commodity,  contributes  more  to 
the  happiness  of  mankind  than  all  the  Porsons,  Bentleys, 
Ileynes,  or  Mczzofantis  that  ever  lived. 


THE    PHILOSOPHERS    OF   FOUFOUVILLE.  109 

"  Few  discoverers  or  inventors  have  been  men  of  classical 
attainments.  If  they  had  been,  it  is  possible  that  many 
of  them  would  have  frittered  away  their  lives  in  weighing 
the  value  of  Greek  particles,  in  hunting  for  '  anapaests  in 
the  wrong  place,'  or  in  muddling  their  brains  with  the 
'  Sylburgian  method  of  arranging  defectives  ; '  civilization 
would  be  fifty  years  behindhand ;  it  would  take  a  week  to 
go  from  New  York  to  Albany  ;  our  Brussels  carpets  (if 
we  had  any)  would  be  soiled  by  grease  spots  from  our 
tallow  candles  ;  vanity  of  love  would  pay  a  hundred  dollars 
for  a  portrait,  or  go  without  it,  instead  of  getting  a  pho- 
tograph (which  is  better)  for  fifty  cents ;  our  matchless 
city  press  would  be  confined  to  a  single  newspaper  about 
the  size  of  the  '  Foufouville  Gazette,' but  costing  four 
times  as  much ;  and  land  would  not  be  worth  as  many 
hundreds  as  it  is  now  worth  thousands  of  dollars." 

Longshanks  again  paused.  He  evidently  thought  (to 
use  a  metaphorical  expression)  that  he  had  laid  the  doc- 
tor out  flat,  but  he  found  that  the  old  gentleman  was  not 
to  be  put  down  so  easily. 

Doctor.  — "  Let  natural  philosophy,  botany,  astronomy, 
chemistry  (organic,  inorganic,  analytic,  and  synthetic)  ; 
agriculture,  horticulture,  arboriculture,  and  all  the  other 
cultures  ;  mineralogy,  geology,  physiology,  conchology, 
paleontology,  ichthyology,  ornithology,  zoology,  and  all 
the  other  ologies  ;  geography,  photography,  topography, 
and  all  the  other  ographies  ;  optics,  acoustics,  mathemat- 
ics,—  the  whole  course  ;  —  arithmetic,  algebi'a,  geometry, 
ditto,  descriptive  and  anatytic ;  mensuration  of  surfaces 
and  solids  ;  equations  of  the  point  and  straight  lines  ;  conic 
sections  ;  line  and  plane  in  space  ;  general  equation  of  the 
second  degree ;  surfaces  of  the  second  order ;  spherical 
10 


110  THE    rJIILOSOPIIERS    OF  FOUFOVVILLE. 

projections  (particularly  useful  to  military  men)  ;  trigo- 
nometry, plane  and  spherical ;  the  calculus,  differential 
and  integral;  surveying;  plane,  geodesic,  trigonometric, 
and  maritime  ;  mechanics  ;  hydraulics  ;  lights  and  shadows  ; 
perspective,  linear  and  angular;  engineering  ;  theodolites  ; 
transits;  protractors;  prismatic  compasses  ;  circumferen- 
tcrs  ;  logarithms  ;  sines  and  tangents  ;  traverse  tables, 
plane  tables,  and  puzzling  tables,  —  let  them  all  be  studied, 
with  French,  German,  and  Spanish,  too  ;  but  why  give  up 
Latin  and  Greek  ?     Why  not  learn  them  also  ?  " 

This  fearful  volley  of  words  staggered  Longshanks. 
He  dropped  into  his  chair,  and  his  battery  was  silenced 
for  the  space  of  a  full  minute.  lie  muttered  to  himself 
"the  life  of  man  is  but  threescore  and  ten  years."  Then 
he  spoke  aloud. 

Long.  — "  There  can  be  no  Admirable  Crichtons,  no 
men  of  universal  knowledge  in  this  nineteenth  century ; 
life  is  too  short,  and  memory  too  limited  ;  a  selection 
must  be  made,  and  since  some  attainments  have  to  be 
rejected,  would  it  not  be  wisest  to  let  them  be  such  as 
are  of  no  practical  utility,  confining  our  attention  to 
those  that  will  be  most  likely  to  aid  us  on  our  way 
through  the  world  ?  " 

Doctor.  —  "Sir,  I  would  not  permit  a  daughter  of 
mine  to  learn  French ;  there  are  too  many  vil£  books 
published  in  that  language." 

Loxg.  —  "Then,  sir,  for  the  same  reason,  you  should 
not  teach  her  to  read  English,  and  still  less,  Greek  and 
Latin.  Sir,  every  advantage  that  can  truthfully  be  urged 
in  favor  of  the  study  of  dead  languages  applies  also  to 
modern  ones  ;  while  a  knowledge  of  the  latter  is  attended 


THE    PHILOSOPHERS    OF  FOUFOUVILLE.  Ill 

by  many  benefits,  to  which  no  one  can  pretend  that  the 
former  have  any  claim. 

"  If  understanding  the  former  enables  us  more  easily 
to  learn  the  latter,  the  converse  of  the  proposition  is  also 
true  ;  that  understanding  the  latter  enables  us  more  easily 
to  learn  the  former ;  and  if  both  are  worth  acquiring  it  is 
surely  best  to  begin  with  the  most  useful  ones. 

"If  we  sometimes  meet  with  a  Greek  or  Latin  phrase 
that  it  would  be  well  to  understand,  for  every  such  phrase 
we  see  whole  books  in  French,  German,  Spanish,  or  Ital- 
ian, that  it  would  be  well  to  read. 

"  The  pitiful  argument  of  satisfying  vanity,  applies  to 
the  one  as  well  as  to  the  other. 

"  But  the  great  and  most  important  advantage  that  a 
modern  language  has  over  an  ancient  one  is  the  fact  that 
it  is  spoken  by  existing  nations,  and  may  be  of  service 
not  merely  as  an  amusement  for  idle  hours,  but  also  in  the 
professional  or  business  relations  of  life.  We  constantly 
meet  Europeans  who  do  not  understand  English,  and  we 
are  deprived  of  a  pleasure,  and  perhaps  of  a  profit,  when 
we  cannot  converse  with  them ;  but  there  is  no  danger 
that  we  will  ever  meet  with  an  ancient  Greek  or  Roman 
(unless  through  the  agency  of  a  spiritual  medium,  and  as 
ghosts,  the  whole  of  them,  Caesar,  Pompey,  Homer,  and 
all  speak  English,  more  or  less  grammatically).  When  I 
hear  a  man  boast  of  being  a  good  Greek  and  Latin  scholar 
I  cannot  help  thinking  as  of  a  good  billiard-player,  '  Alas  ! 
how  much  time  he  must  have  wasted.' 

"  For  more  than  a  thousand  years  they  have  been  dead 
languages,  doctors  of  law  have  thoroughly  dissected  them, 
is  it  not  time  that  they  were  buried  in  oblivion?" 

During  the  latter  part  of  Longshanks'  diatribe  the  doc- 


112  THE    PIIILOSOPIIERS    OF    FOUFOUVILLE. 

tor's  wrath  rod  indignation  were  gradually  getting  the 
upper  hand  of  him.  He  endeavored  to  maintain  his 
equanimity,  and  grew  red  in  the  face  from  his  efforts 
to  do  so  ;  but  when  Loiig.shanks  had  the  audacity  to  pro- 
pose to  bury  in  oblivion  the  languages  of  Homer  and 
Horace  he  could  no  longer  restrain  his  anger.  Jumping 
up,  in  a  high  state  of  excitement,  he  exclaimed,  — 

"  Stop,  sir.  I  will  listen  to  no  more.  Patience  has 
ceased  to  be  a  virtue.  I  did  not  suppose  that  such  igno- 
rance, conceit,  and  folly,  existed  in  the  world.  Sir,  you 
arc  a  —  a  —  but  pardon  me,  pardon  me.  I  am  forgetting 
myself." 

Long.  —  "  Pardon  me,  sir.  It  is  I  who  have  forgotten 
mj'sclf,  or  rather  who  forgot  you.  In  the  heat  of  argu- 
ment I  became  oblivious  of  the  fact  that  I  was  in  the  pres- 
ence of  the  author  of  that  sublime  work,  '  Studies  on  the 
Regen— '" 

Doctor  —  "No  more  compliments  if  j'ou  please,  sir, 
for  as  the  eloquent  Tusculan  says,  '  Quanquam  ista  assen- 
tatio,  quamvis  perniciosa  sit,  nocere  tamen  nemini  potest, 
nisi  ei,  qui  earn  recipit  atque  in  ea  delectatur.'  " 

Long.  —  "I  do  not  quite  comprehend  all  that,  sir,  for  I 
do  not  speak  Greek." 

Doctor.  —  "  You  see  now  what  you  have  lost  by  not 
devoting  three  or  four  years  to  the  study  of  dead  lan- 
guages. Allow  me  to  present  you  with  this  copy  of  the 
New  Utopia.  I  hope  you  will  read  it  with  more  attention 
than  you  seem  to  have  given  to  my  other  works.  You 
will  find  that  its  perusal  will  strengthen  your  powers  of 
reason,  and  enlarge  your  views  considerably." 

Long.  —  "Accept  my  thanks,  sir,  for  this  invaluable 
work.     I  am  impatient  to  begin  the  study  of  its  sublime 


THE    PHILOSOPHERS    OF    FOUFOUVILLE.  113 

truths,  for,  as  the  sage  of  Geneva  says,  '  II  y  a  tant  de 
contradictions  entre  les  droits  de  la  Nature  et  nos  lois 
sociales,  que  pour  les  concilier  il  faut  gauchir  et  tergiv- 
erser  sans  cesse.' " 

Doctor.  —  "  What  language  is  that  ?  " 

Long.  —  "  French." 

Doctor.  —  "French!  Don't  talk  French  to  me,  sir. 
The  French  are  all  infidels.  What  do  they  know  about 
social  philosophy,  or  anything  else  ?  Listen  to  the  words 
of  Socrates  —  " 

Long.  —  "  Socrates  be  hanged,  sir.  Socrates  was  a  fool 
compared  to  Voltaire  or  Rousseau." 

Doctor. —  (Stamping  his  foot  with  rage.)  "Leave 
these  premises,  sir.  You  will  contaminate  this  peaceful, 
God-fearing  community.     Awajr,  sir  —  away." 

Long.  —  "I  go,  sir.  And  here  (flinging  the  New  Uto- 
pia on  the  floor)  take  your  confounded  Utopian  nonscnsej' 

So  Mr.  Longshanks  went  out,  slamming  the  door,  and 
leaving  the  doctor  striding  up  and  down  the  floor  in  a 
state  of  violent  agitation.  Longshanks  found  Leander 
waiting  for  him  in  the  hall,  and  also  much  agitated,  for 
having  heard  loud  words  between  the  two  gentlemen,  and 
naturally  supposing  himself  to  be  the  object  of  them,  he 
was  in  much  perturbation  of  mind  as  to  the  result  of  the 
interview.  So  the  moment  he  saw  Longshanks  emerge 
from  the  study,  he  rushed  up  to  him  and  grasping  his 
hand,  anxiously  inquired  if  "  it  was  happily  settled?" 

"What,  Len,  what?"  asked  Longshanks,  who  was  still 
rather  bewildered  after  his  violent  altercation  with  the 
doctor. 

"  '  What ! '  you  ask  me  '  what '  !  "  said  poor  Leander. 

"  Oh  !  Ah  !  Your  scrape  with  Miss  Goodenough  —  well 
10* 


114  THE    PniLOSOPnERS    OF    FOUFOUVILLE. 

—  well  —  yes  —  no  —  now  I  remember.  No,  I  cannot 
exactly  say  that  we  did  arrange  the  matter  —  that  is  to 
say  —  not  definitely." 

"  Tell  me  what  was  clone,"  said  Leandcr.  "  Why  do  you 
keep  me  in  suspense  ?    What  did  the  doctor  propose  ?  " 

"  Nothing." 

"  Nothing ! " 

"  My  poor  Lenny,"  said  Longshanks,  the  truth  is,  he 
got  me  on  the  subject  of  dead  languages,  my  bete  noir; 
and  being  pretty  well  primed,  for  I  delivered  an  oration 
thereon  last  week  before  the  '  Young  •  Men's  Debating 
Club '  of  Mackerelville,  I  floored  him  easily,  but  as  ill-luck 
would  have  it,  I  became  excited  in  the  heat  of  discussion 
by  the  old  gentleman's  absurd  arguments,  and  entirely  for- 
got wdiat  I  went  in  for, — never  thought  of  }'ou  or  your 
affair,  —  'pon  honor,  but  wasted  an  hour  in  trying  to  con- 
vince the  doctor  that  he  was  a  regular  old  fool,  and  got 
kicked  out  of  his  office  for  my  pains." 

Leander  ran  his  hands  through  his  hair,  though  he  did 
not  pluck  any  out  by  the  roots,  as  some  despairing  lovers 
are  said  to  have  done. 

"  What  can  I  do?  What  can  I  do?"  said  he. 

"  Cut  the  whole  crew,"  answered  Longshanks,  "  and 
come  back  with  me  to  Wall  Street." 

"  Leave  her,"  cried  Lovell ;  "  never  while  life  endures. 
And  do  you,  my  friend,  intend  to  desert  me  at  this  mo- 
ment?" 

"  Now  just  be  reasonable,"  answered  Longshanks, 
"  I  can  be  of  no  use  to  you  here,  with  her  father  exas- 
perated against  me ;  and,  even  were  it  otherwise,  our 
business  makes  it  imperative  on  me  to  be  in  town  to-mor- 


THE    PHILOSOPHERS    OF  F0UF0UV7LLE.  115 

row  morning,  so  I  must  take  myself  off  as  soon  as  possi- 
ble." 

Longshanks  left ;  and  Leancler,  hoping  to  find  relief 
from  the  thoughts  that  oppressed  him,  in  bodily  exertion, 
went  to  work  in  the  melon-patch ;  but  he  soon  became 
wearied,  and  sitting  down  on  a  stone,' like  Marius  on  the 
ruins  of  Carthage,  or  Achilles  mourning  for  Briseis,  sat 
ruminating  on  his  blasted  hopes  until  the  shades  of  night 
had  fallen. 


116  THE    PniLOSOrUERS    OF    FOUFOUVILLE. 


CHAPTER    VI. 

A  Convention  of  the  Female  Mights  Association. 

"  By  Venus  I  the  republic  will  henceforth  be  happy." 

Aristophanes,  in  "  The  Assembly  of  Wojnen." 

The  seventeenth  annual  convention  of  the  Female 
Eights  Association  was  held  about  this  time  ;  and,  as  some 
of  the  Harmonians  figured  therein,  an  account  of  what 
took  place  may  expose  some  of  the  causes  that  brought 
about  the  unfortunate  termination  of  the  philanthropical 
experiment  at  Harmony  Hall,  which,  as  we  have  seen, 
began  so  auspiciously.  "We  will,  therefore,  compile  from 
the  newspapers  of  the  day  a  report  of  the  proceedings, 
conforming  as  much  as  possible  to  the  language  of  our 
authorities,  but  omitting  whatever  may  be  irrelevant  to 
the  object  we  have  in  view. 

MORNING    SESSION. 

Dr.  Mary  Mott  called  the  meeting  to  order,  and  pro- 
posed as  chairman  that  noble  champion  of  right,  that  sin- 
cere friend  to  woman,  Professor  Nicholas  Malpest. 

This  gentleman,  whose  lectures  on  reform  have  been 
listened  to  by  hundreds  of  admiring  auditors  throughout 
the  rural  districts,  would  doubtless  have  been  chosen 
without  opposition,  had  it  not  been  for  a  Miss  Griffin, 
who  rose  in  an  excited  manner  and  objected  to  a  man 


THE    PHILOSOPHERS    OF   FOUFOUVILLE.  117 

being  called  upon  to  preside  over  an  assembly  composed 
principally  of  the  opposite  sex. 

"When,"  said  she,  "has  a  woman  (though  men  sneer 
at  her  fondness  for  talking)  ever  been  chosen  Speaker  of 
the  House  of  Representatives  ?  When  was  any  woman 
ever  admitted  into  any  of  our  legislative  halls,  excepting 
as  a  mere  spectator,  to  listen  to  interminable  arguments 
on  dry  political  or  financial  questions,  any  of  which  she 
could  answer  without  thought?  [Cries  of  '  Hear,  hear  ! '] 
Is  it  because  woman  is  inferior  to  man?  Is  it  because 
she  has  nothing  to  say  for  herself?  [Indignant  shouts  of 
'  No,  NO  ! ']  There  is  no  reason ;  and  until  men  vote  for 
women,  I  shall  vote  for  no  man."  [Cries  of  "  Good, 
good !  "  and  great  applause.] 

Professor  Malpcst  now  rose,  and  stated  that  his  name 
had  been  proposed  without  his  sanction,  and  much  to  his 
surprise  [Ironical  cries  of  "  Oh,  Oh ! "  from  the  gallery], 
and  that  he  would  gladly  waive  any  claims  he  might  have 
to  the  honor  sought  to  be  conferred  upon  him  in  conse- 
quence of  his  humble  though  arduous  efforts  in  the  glo- 
rious cause  of  woman,  and  he  begged  to  propose,  as  a 
fitting  candidate  for  the  high  position  of  chairman,  that 
ornament  to  her  sex,  Mrs.  Elizabeth  Strongitharm. 

Mrs.  Strongitharm  was  elected  by  acclamation,  although 
there  was  one  dissentient  voice,  supposed  to  have  been 
Miss  Griffin's,  as  she  was  heard  to  say  she  "  would  rather 
have  a  man." 

The  meeting  being  organized,  Miss.  Lucy  Blackball, 
perpetual  secretary  to  the  association,  proceeded  to  read 
some  of  the  letters  of  excuse. 

The  first  one  read  was    from    that  well-known   hu- 


118  TUB    MILOSOPIIERS    OF  FOUFOVVILLE. 

nianitarian,  Dr.  Jonathan  Goodenough.     It  was  as  fol- 
lows, — 

"  Focfoutille,  14th  2d  Mo.,  A.  II.  1. 

"Respected  Madam  and  Sister  in  Progress,  —  The 
engrossing  duties  attendant  on  the  happy  realization  of 
my  grand  scheme  of  human  regeneration,  in  preparing  for 
the  influx  of  the  coming  multitudes  of  rejoicing  Utopians, 
will  prevent  me  from  taking  part  in  the  convention. 

11 1  regret  this  the  more,  as  I  had  contemplated  deliver- 
ing a  discourse  which  would  have  conclusively  demon- 
strated to  all  nations  the  advisability  of  at  once  estab- 
lishing phalansteries  in  every  part  of  the  globe.  \ 

"  Accept  for  the  Association,  with  my  best  wishes  for 
its  success,  the  accompanying  copies  of  my  works,  and 
believe  me, 

"  Respectfully, 

"  Your  brother  in  progress, 
"  J.  Goodenough." 

The  following  were  then  read  in  order,  — 

"Wall  Stkeet,  May  1st. 

"Mr.  Richard  Longshanks  regrets  that  previous  engage- 
ments will  prevent  him  from  accepting  the  polite  invitation 
to  be  present  at  the  convention  of  the  F.  R.  A.,  trans- 
mitted to  him  by  the  kindness  of  Miss  Griffin. 

"  Whatever  airs  of  superiority  may  be  arrogated  to 
themselves  by  other  men,  Mr.  Longshanks  begs  to 
assure  the  ladies  that  he  will  ever  acknowledge  himself 
their  slave.    Woman  shall  ever  be  his  mistress." 


THE    PHILOSOPHERS    OF   FOUFOUVILLE.  119 

"  Lebanon,  May  2d,  1850. 

"Madam, — I  respectfully  decline  further  attendance 
at  the  meetings  of  the  F.  R.  A.,  and  beg  to  withdraw  my 
name  from  the  list  of  members  ;  my  views  in  regard  to  the 
objects  sought  to  be  obtained  having  undergone  a  mate- 
rial change. 

"  Yours,  sincerely, 

"  Mary  Ann  Ketctium. 

"  P.  S.  It  will  doubtless  afford  you  great  gratification 
to  be  informed  that  I  have  decided  to  change  my  condi- 
tion, considering  it  a  duty  that  every  woman  owes,  not 
only  to  the  present  generation  but  to  those  yet  unborn, 
and  have  therefore  accepted  —  after  mature  deliberation 
—  the  honorable  offer  of  Mr.  John  Shaker. 

"M.  A.  K." 

This  letter  called  forth  much  animadversion,  and  sev- 
eral ladies,  among  whom  Miss  Griffin  and  Miss  Crane 
were  conspicuous,  became  quite  excited  and  insisted  that 
it  be  publicly  burnt  and  the  writer  expelled  from  the 
Association.  After  considerable  discussion  the  subject 
was  dropped,  as  most  of  the  gentleman  seemed  quite  in- 
different to  it. 

The  secretary  then  favored  the  audience  with  this  elo- 
quent and  characteristic  epistle  from  Ralpho  Bunsby,  Esq. 

Boston,  April  29th,  1850. 

"  '  Non  facio.'  —  The  finite  and  the  infinite  are  incom- 
mensurable. It  is  predicable  that  man's-battle  cry  is 
'  Tally-ho ! — Such  is  the  physiological  sequence  of  woman's 


120  THE    PniLOSOPnERH    OF  foufouville. 

alliciency.  Who  shall  solve  the  social  problem?  Society 
cannot  be  crystallized.  It  is  too  carbonic.  What  is  the 
man  of  society  ?  A  sham.  All  barber  and  tailot.  What 
is  the  woman  of  society?  A  sham.  All  is  artificial.  I 
prefer  woman  in  a  state  of  nature.  Know  thyself.  So  be 
it;  So  let  it  be.  What  is  the  soul?  Read  Homer  ;  read 
Plato  ;  read  Aristotle  ;  read  Dante.  Such  is  the  prima 
philo8qphia.  The  Platonic  is  the  poetic  tendency.  "lis 
quite  certain  that  Brigham  Young  is  a  Platonist.  Is  not  his 
sj^stem  corporeally  spiritual  ?  Bacon  and  Locke  were  true 
poets.  So  were  Arkwright  and  Watts.  Poets  of  the 
cotton-loom,  and  steam  engines.  But  the  word  cannot  be 
applied  to  Byron  and  Moore.  Shakespeare  was  received 
with  apathy,  which  demonstates  the  elevation  of  the  Brit- 
ish intellect  in  the  sixteenth  century,  as  I  have  observed 
in  my  '  Bovine  Traits.' 

"  Whoever  requires  facts  on  which  to  base  an  argument 
is  wanting  in  the  poetic  faculty,  —  in  ideality.  Woman 
is  an  idealist.  Hence  she  is  superior  to  man.  Yet  she 
cannot  exist  without  him,  nor  he  without  her.  Without 
him,  she  would  be  a  human  Sahara,  —  a  barren  waste. 
Without  her,  his  entity  would  become  intangible.  United 
they  make  one,  and  then  proceed  to  make  many.  The 
vacuist  vainly  strives  to  vaticinate  futurity.  The  epoptca 
of  the  mystic  Eleusinia  of  Nature  are  not  cis-Styxian. 
Psycho-Pompos  can  alone  initiate  us.  The  age  is  full  of 
nonsense.     I  want  common  sense. 

"  R.  B." 

Mr.  Peewit  rose  and  begged  to  inquire  what  Mr.  Bunsby 
meant. 
The  chairman  requested  the  gentlemen  to  take  his  seat. 


THE    PHILOSOPHERS    OF   FOUFOUVILLE.  121 

Several  persons  desired  to  know  whether  or  not  Mr. 
Bunsby  was  coming. 

The  chairman  asked  if  the  letter  itself  was  not  suffi- 
ciently explicit,  and  said  that  she  "  had  never  heard  a 
more  lucid  and  philosophical  discourse  from  the  pen  of 
that  profound  thinker." 

The  secretary,  with  a  look  of  contempt  at  the  inquirers, 
offered  to  read  the  letter  again ;  but  somebody  having 
stated  that  it  was  clear  Mr.  Bunsby  was  coming,  the  prop- 
osition was  unanimously  voted  down. 

The  subjoined  communication  from  the  President  of 
the  United  States  was  now  listened  to  with  marked  atten- 
tion. 

"  TO    THE  SECRETARY    OF    THE    FEMALE    RIGHTS    ASSOCIA- 
TION. 

"White  House,  May  1, 1850. 

"Madam, — I  have  had  the  honor  to  receive  your 
polite  invitation  to  attend  the  seventeenth  annual  conven- 
tion of  the  F.  R.  A.,  for  the  purpose  of  considering  the 
best  method  of  obtaining  those  social,  political,  and  relig- 
ious reforms,  that  are  demanded  by  the  enlightenment  and 
progress  of  the  nineteenth  century. 

"Although  deeply  sympathizing  —  as  every  patriot 
must  —  with  all  movements  that  tend  to  increase  the 
honor  and  welfare  of  our  beloved  country,  I  am  neverthe- 
less constrained  to  express  ray  regret  that  the  heavy  pres- 
sure of  public  duties  will  deprive  me  of  the  pleasure  of 
assisting  at  the  convention  of  the  F.  R.  A. 

"  I  have  the  honor  to  be,  madam, 
«  Veiy  respectfully 

"Yourob't  serv't." 
11 


122  THE    rniLOSOPUERS    OF    F0UF0UV1LLE. 

fThc  original  of  the  above  lies  before  us.  The  signa- 
ture has  been  cut  out  by  some  enthusiastic  autograph 
hunter.] 

On  motion  of  Miss  Griffin,  seconded  by  Miss  Crane,  it 
was 

"  Resolved,  That  a  vote  of  thanks  be  presented  to  the 
President  for  the  sympathy,  and  elevation  of  character 
displayed  in  his  letter." 

Next  came  an  epistle  from  the  lion.  "Win.  H.  Steward ; 
but  as  it  covered  twenty-four  pages  of  letter-paper  we 
cannot  afford  space  for  it. 

This  was  followed  by  a  letter  from  that  rising  states- 
man, the  Hon.  A.  J.  Jones. 

TO   THE   SECRETARY   OF   THE   FEMALE   EIGHTS   ASSOCIATION. 

"  Albany,  April  29, 1850. 
"  Madam,  —  "  It  is  with  heartfelt  regret,  that  I  find 
myself  obliged  to  forego  the  honor  and  pleasure  of  attend- 
ing the  next  caucus  of  the  F.  R.  A.,  in  consequence  of 
important  political  business  that  requires  my  personal  atten- 
tion in  this  district.  The  election  comes  off  next  week. 
My  friends  are  sanguine  of  my  success,  though  it  will, 
doubtless,  be  a  close  contest.  Nothing  but  a  profound 
sense  of  duty  to  the  country  would  induce  me  to  deprive 
myself  of  the  inestimable  privilege  of  listening  to  the 
discussion  of  those  wrongs  under  which  woman  labors. 
But,  if  she  cannot  vote,  she  can  at  least  direct  the  votes 
of  others,  and  I  trust  that  every  member  of  the  associa- 
tion will  exert  her  influence  in  favor  of  that  candidate 
>vho  may  appear  to  her  most  deserving. 
"I  am,  etc. 

"  Andrew  Jackson  Jones." 


THE    PHILOSOPHERS    OF   FOUFOUVILLE.  123 

On  motion  of  Mrs.  Allbone,  it  was 

"  Resolved,  That  in  consideration  of  his  self-sacrificing 
patriotism,  the  Hon.  A.  J.  Jones  deserves  well  of  the 
country." 

The  secretary  then  read  the  following,  — 

"  Athens,  N.Y.,  May  1, 1850. 
"  Dear  Madam,  —  "  Since  I  was  last  with  you,  a  year 
ago,  Divine  Providence  has  at  last  blessed  my  long  union 
with  Mr.  Doolittle,  and  I  have  become  the  happy  mother 
of  twins.  I  cannot  conscientiously  take  upon  myself  the 
serious  responsibility  of  neglecting  maternal  duties  by 
attending  the  future  meetings  of  the  Association.  My 
doing  so  was  always  contrary  to  the  wish  of  my  respected 
husband. 

"  Yours  in  progress, 

"  Victoria  Doolittle." 

Mr.  Peewit  jumped  up  and  offered  a  resolution  declar- 
ing that  Mrs.  Doolittle  "  deserves  well  of  the  country," 
but  the  chairman  sternly  called  the  gentleman  to  order, 
and  he  subsided. 

Miss  Griffin  proposed  to  amend  the  resolution  by  ad- 
ding to  it  the  name  of  Mr.  Doolittle. 

This  was  loudly  seconded  by  all  the  gentlemen  present ; 
and  in  spite  of  the  opposition  of  Miss  Crane  and  Mrs. 
Allbone,  as  well  as  of  the  chairman,  who  seemed  to 
think  the  proceeding  in  some  respects  irregular,  the  reso- 
lution, as  amended,  was  carried. 

The  reading  of  the  letters  having  been  finished  the  con- 
vention proceeded  to  business. 

Upon  motion  of  Miss  Blackball,  it  was 


124  TIIE    miLOSOPIlERS    OF    FOUFOVVILLE. 

"  Resolved,  That  tbc  statement  in  the  preamble  to  the 
Declaration  of  Independence,  '  that  all  men  are  created 
free  and  equal,'  in  omitting  to  mention  woman,  is  a  dis- 
grace to  the  American  Eagle,  and  an  insult  to  the  Genius 
of  the  Nineteenth  Century." 

Mrs.  Allbonc  offered  the  following,  which  was  adopted. 

"  iVliereas,  According  to  that  atrocious  instrument, 
the  Constitution  of  the  United  States,  woman  is  denied 
her  just  coequal  right  with  man  in  framing  those  laws 
that  are  applicable  to  both  sexes  alike  ;  therefore, 

"  Resolved,  That  a  petition  be  presented  to  the  Presi- 
dent to  so  amend  the  Constitution  that  the  franchise  be 
secured,  upon  equal  terms,  to  both  sexes." 

Mr.  Peewit  expressed  some  doubts  as  to  the  power  of 
the  president  in  the  premises,  but  the  chairman  promptly 
put  him  down. 

In  supporting  the  resolution  Miss  Griffin  said  that  "  the 
ballot  to  woman  means  self-protection.  To  the  daughter, 
it  means  diversified  employment  and  speedy  marriage  ;  to 
the  wife,  the  control  of  her  own  person ;  to  the  mother, 
an  equal  right  with  man  to  children. 

"  The  present  state  of  society  is  radically  false.  There 
is  not  enough  sympathy  between  man  and  woman.  This 
is  partly  owing  to  our  defective  educational  system.  The 
sexes  should  be  brought  up  together.  They  would  thus 
enter  sooner  into  each  other's  feelings. 

"It  is  time  for  us  to  cease  being  nothing  more  than 
house-keepers  and  nurses.  Woman  should  insist  on  an 
equal  partition  in  all  the  duties  of  man,  while  he  partici- 
pates in  hers. 

"  Why  are  our  textile  fabrics  so  tasteless?  Because 
there  are  no  desi^nins;  women. 


THE    PHILOSOPHERS    OF    FOUFOUVILLE.  125 

"Why  are  our  shops  attended  only  by  the  male  sex? 
Because  the  men  don't  want  their  wives  to  sell  them- 
selves. 

"Why  is  our  country  so  backward?  Because  woman 
does  not  put  herself  sufficiently  forward. 

"Why  does  our  decennial  census  show  such  a  meagre 
advance  ?    Because  woman  is  not  free  to  act  as  she  would. 

"  Why  should  the  forum,  the  pulpit,  the  bar,  the  bench, 
be  monopolized  by  man,  to  the  exclusion  of  woman  ?  It 
is  said  she  cannot  bear  the  close  labor ;  but  what  woman 
ever  objected  to  being  confined  ? 

"  Shall  we  continue  to  endure  such  injustice?  I  hear 
on  all  sides  the  indignant  « No.'  Man  has  too  long  had 
his  own  way.  It  is  time  for  woman  to  arise  and  strike 
for  her  proper  position.  Where  would  man  be  without 
her?  (Cries  of,  '  Hear !  Hear ! ')  He  would  be  nowhere. 
She  is  his  greatest  want.  Without  her  he  is  an  incom- 
plete being,  —  a  mere  chrysalis.  Why,  then,  in  this  so- 
called  free  country,  is  she  denied  the  right  of  suffrage? 
What  is  her  fault  ?  She  is  found  guilty,  not  of  a  crime, 
but  of  a  sex.  She  does  not  want  reason,  intelligence,  or 
virtue,  but  she  wants  —  whiskers." 

The  eloquent  speaker  sat  down,  amidst  cheers  and  some 
laughter  from  the  galleries. 

The  chairman  directed  the  sergeant-at-arms,  Mrs.  All- 
bone,  to  turn  the  laughers  out  of  the  room,  if  their  con- 
duct was  repeated. 

The  chairman  now  introduced  the  Rev.  Scipio  Africanus 
of  South  Carolina,  who  had  just  arrived  by  the  under- 
ground railwa3r.     He  spoke  as  follows,  — 

Mrs.  Chairman,  beloved  brothers  and  sisters,  — 

"Firstly.  Why  is  the  black  man  no'  'lowed  to  vote? 
11* 


126  the  rniLOsopnEns  of  foufouville. 

That's  the  question,  as  Ilamblet  says.  If  this  is  a  white 
man's  country,  why  did  they  tote  us  culled  persons  into 
it?  Ha  !  I  pause  for  a  reply.  It  was  no  fair.  They  say 
we  got  no  soul ;  no  go  to  Heaven  whar  the  angels  all 
clothe  in  white.  How  then  they  raise  all  the  cotton  thai 
for  dress  all  the  angels  in  white,  if  no  culled  man  thar? 
Ha! 

"  Secondly.  They  call  America  a  free  country.  Then, 
I  ask,  whar  is  America?  whar  is  that  land  of  freedom? 
The  Honorable  Andrew  Jackson  Jones,  I  heerd  him  say 
it  was  bounded  on  the  norf  by  the  Norf  Pole,  and  on  the 
souf  by  the  Souf  Pole,  and  thar  was  a  liberty  pole  stuck 
up  in  the  middle,  on  which  was  perched  the  American 
Eagle  with  the  cap  of  liberty  on  his  head,  the  thunder 
and  lightning  in  his  claws,  and  the  rejoicin'  nations  was  a 
playing  on  the  banjo  and  dancin'  the  Virginny  reel  around 
it.  But  whar  is  that  land  of  freedom,  wdiar  nobody  work 
no  more?  I  can't  find  it.  It  isn't  whar  we 'uns  live.  It 
don't  seem  to  be  where  3rou  'uns  live. 

"  Thirdly.  What  does  the  blessed  Saint  Paul  sa}-? 
'  Pay  unto  Crcsar  all  that  is  Csesar's.'  But  they  don't  do 
it.  They  make  Csesar,  and  Pompey,  and  Cuffee,  and  all 
on  'em  work  free,  gratis,  for  nuffin.  But  the  da}'  of  Jubi- 
lee is  comin',  when  the  culled  gentleman  work  no  more. 
When  he  hang  up  the  shovel  and  the  bow  forever.  Gloty, 
Hallelujah ! 

"  Fourthly.  The  good  Book  says,  '  By  the  sweat  of 
3*our  brow  shall  you  get  your  livin' ; '  but  the  black  man 
down  souf,  he  get  no  sort  of  livin  at  all  by  the  sweat  of 
his  brow.  It  sa}T,  '  Do  unto  others  as  j-ou  would  have 
others  do  unto  you.'  If  the  white  folks  down  thai-  do  that, 
they  must  have  very  peculiar  tastes ;  for  they  give  the 


THE    PHILOSOPHERS    OF   FOUFOUVILLE.  127 

poor  laborer  nuffin'  but  a  little  pone  and  bacon,  and  old 
clo'  for  the  sweat  of  bis  brow.  But  tbe  day  of  Jubilee 
will  come.  Then  the  Lord,  sittin'  on  the  Judgment  Seat, 
will  say  to  the  massa,  'You  jes  pay  Scipio  six  bits  a  day 
for  his  time,  or  St.  Peter  no  let  you  in.'  Then  massa 
mighty  skeered,  will  whisper,  '  O  Lord,  my  money  all 
spent  in  New  Oiieens.  Then  the  Lord  will  open  his  mouf 
and  say,  '  You  go  to  cle  Debbil.'  Ya !  Ya !  Glory,  Hal- 
lelujah ! " 

Brother  Scipio  Africanus  continued  on  to  sixteenthly, 
by  which  time  he  had  worked  himself  into  a  furious  state 
of  excitement,  when  the  chairman  informed  him  that  his 
hour  was  up. 

His  proposition  to  pass  around  his  hat  was  disallowed. 

AFTERNOON     SESSION. 

The  proceedings  were  opened  with  a  mystical,  transcen- 
dental farrago  of  long  words,  called  a  poem  on  the  Mil- 
lenium, by  Miss  Lillie  Emerson.  The  idea  involved  in  it 
(if  there  was  any)  might  perhaps  have  been  found  out 
with  the  aid  of  a  dictionary.  The  following  four  lines 
were  the  only  ones  comprehensible  to  ordinary  under- 
standing, — 

"  There  is  a  joyful  time  at  hand 
When  love  alone  shall  rule  the  land, 
When  all  men  shall  embrace  as  brothers, 
Women  true  sisters  be,  and  mothers." 

The  secretary  then  stated  to  the  audience  that  she  had 
received  a  document  which  exhibited  a  state  of  affairs 


128  TJIE    rniLOSOPHERS    OF   FOUFOUVJLLE. 

truly  pitiable,  and  calculated  to  awaken  the  sympathies 
of  every  true  woman.     She  then  read  the  following,  — 

"  PETITION   OF   TIIE    INDIGNANT   YOUNG   LADIES   SOCIETY    OF 
MANSFIELD,   MASS.,   TO   TUE    F.    B.    A. 

"  This  township  contains  a  population  of  two  thousand 
males  and  three  thousand  females,  yet  notwithstanding 
this  alarming  deficiency  of  the  stronger  sex,  our  young 
men  are  constantly  emigrating  to  the  distant  "West,  there 
to  lead  lives  of  toil  and  celibacy,  doing  nothing  for  their 
country. 

"  Although  personally  quite  indifferent  to  the  matter, 
we  hereby  protest,  in  the  name  of  humanity,  against  this 
wholesale  deportation  of  mankind,  and  declare  that  if  it 
continue  we  will  emigrate  in  a  body  to  Utah,  where  we 
will  stand  some  chance  of  being  appreciated. 

"  It  is  a  matter  of  vital  interest  to  the  future  prospects 
of  our  town,  the  injury  being  not  merely  temporary,  but 
one  that  will  entail  loss  on  generations  yet  to  come. 

"  Man  is  becoming  too  materialistic.  He  thinks  if  he 
cultivates  his  fields  he  is  relieved  from  the  obligation  of 
cultivating  the  affections  of  a  wife  and  family. 

"  Your  petitioners  therefore  pray  that  some  means  may 
be  devised  whereby  this  continued  exodus  of  able-bodied 
young  men  may  be  checked,  being  convinced  that  such 
action  Avill  add  greatly  to  the  happiness  and  contentment 
of  your  petitioners,  as  well  as  of  thousands  of  their  suf- 
fering sisters,  for  they  feel  themselves  fully  capable,  and 
are  in  fact  anxious,  to  fulfil  all  the  duties  required  of 
them  by  societj'-,  but  are  unable  to  do  so  by  themselves 
alone. 


THE    PHILOSOPHERS    OF  FOUFOUVILLE.  129 

"  And  your  petitioners  will  ever  pray,  etc. 

"Miss  Ariadne  Lorne, 
"    Betsey  Jane  Willing, 
"     Kate  Krauss, 
'*     Aurora  Roe, 
"     Mart  Lillywhite, 
'*     Desire  Mann, 
"     Seraphina  Bell, 
"     Polly  Darling, 
"     Margaret  McCoy, 
"     Olivia  Blossom, 
"     Priscilla  Prim, 
"     Susan  A.  Roseinblum. 
The  petition  was  ordered  to  be  put  on  file. 
Dr.  Mary  Mott  then  addressed  the  convention.     She 
said  it  was  a  melancholy  fact  that  there  was  an  alarming 
decrease  in  the  number  of  marriages.     Yet  this  was  not 
the  fault  of  woman.     She  was  ever  ready  to  do  her  part ; 
she  had  never  shrunk  from  the  performance  of  the  duties 
imposed  upon  her  by  her  being.      She  had  been  accused 
of  extravagance,  but  she  (Dr.  Mott)  indignantly  denied 
the   aspersion  on  behalf  of    her   outraged   sex.      Does 
woman  spend  millions  annually  for  vile  cigars,  for  cham- 
pagne, for  whiskey?     Does  she  waste  her  time  loitering 
in  clubs  and  bar-rooms  ?    Does  she  spend  her  pin  money 
in  those  abominable  — 

Here  a  gentleman  in  the  audience  called  the  speaker  to 
order  and  desired  to  know  what  was  before  the  house. 

The  chairman  stated  that  the  question  was  what  action 
should  be  taken  on  the  petition  just  read. 

This  brought  a  Dr.  Bernhard  to  his  feet.  He  was  a  stout, 
burly-looking  individual,  and  spoke  with  much  vehemence 


130  the  pniLosornEiis  of  foufouville. 

of  manner.  lie  said  that  the  petition  of  the  hapless 
young  women  of  Mansfield  moved  him  greatly.  He  felt 
his  indignation  rising  within  him.  It  was  man's  duty  to 
double  himself  four  times. 

Me.  Peewit.  —  "Like  the  india-rubber  man?" 
ChaxbhaVi  —  "  The  gentleman  will  not  interrupt." 
The  doctor,  without  heeding  the  interrogation,  said, 
that  the  deplorable  case  to  which  the  attention  of  this 
convention  had  just  been  called  showed  that  the  means 
were  at  hand,  but  owing  to  our  unnatural  social  laws 
could  not  be  brought  into  action.  What  would  we  think 
of  a  general  who  needed  all  his  forces  in  front,  and  yet 
held  a  large  portion  of  them  in  reserve,  doing  nothing? 
When  an  army  longing  to  be  engaged  in  active  operations 
is  set  to  work  digging  ditches  and  entrenchments,  the  men 
lose  strength  and  die,  and  the  loss  is  greater  than  in  a 
battle.  Woman  and  her  affections  are  like  that  host.  If 
she  cannot  bring  on  an  engagement  the  best  of  them 
wither  away.  She  buries  them  under  the  dust  of  years, 
and,  entrenched  in  her  pride,  repels  the  advances  of  man. 
We  condole  for  the  loss  of  property  caused  by  a  fire,  or  a 
shipwreck;  but  this"  waste  of  feeling  unemployed"  is 
made  light  of ;  yet  it  is  the  cause  of  more  heartfelt  sor- 
row than  any  sacrifice  of  material  wealth.  As  a  remedy 
for  the  deprivations  under  which  woman  suffers  he  would 
propose  "  an  amendment  to  the  constitution  to  the  effect 
that  every  man  be  allowed  to  have  six  wives." 

This  atrocious  proposition  created  a  tremendous 
commotion  in  the  assembly,  particularly  among  the 
women,  thirty  or  forty  of  whom  instantly  jumped  up, 
some  of  them  standing  on  the  benches,  and  all  began  talk- 
ing    at    once.      Cries   of    "infamous,"    "abominable," 


THE    PHILOSOPHERS    OF    F0UF0VV1LLE.  131 

"  wretch,"  "  Mormon,"  and  "  monster  "  were  heard  on  all 
sides.  It  was  in  vain  that  the  chairman  hammered  on 
the  desk  with  her  mallet ;  it  only  seemed  to  increase  the 
uproar.  In  the  midst  of  the  din  the  shrill  voice  of  Miss 
Crane  was  heard  screaming.  "  The  hypocrite  !  he  would 
make  slaves  of  us  all ;  but  my  spirit  is  not  yet  broken ; 
I  never  shall  be  sacrificed." 

"  Such  infidel  Turks,"  cried  Mrs.  Allbone,  "  deserve 
to  be  —  I  won't  say  what.  Sisters  we  must  band  together 
to  resist  their  further  advances."  • 

"  Man  was  ever  thus,"  said  Miss  Griffin ;  "  always  striv- 
ing to  keep  woman  in  subjection  ;  but  if  we  all  stand  by 
each  other,  such  beings  as  Dr.  Bernhard  will  find  it  diffi- 
cult to  put  us  down.  Our  numbers  will  be  too  much  for 
him.  lie  doubtless  considers  himself  a  Lord  of  the  Cre- 
ation, and  believes  that  woman  was  designed  -to  be  his 
serf,  and  would  like  to  keep  her  ever  in  an  inferior  posi- 
tion. He  may  have  met  with  some  chicken-hearted  creat- 
ures who  would  consent  to  be  trodden  upon  ;  but  he  shall 
find  that  all  women  are  not  alike.  Some  can  assert  their 
prerogatives,  and  will  not  be  imposed  upon  without  a 
struggle." 

Mr.  Peewit  now  moved  that  the  proposition  before  the 
house  be  laid  upon  the  table. 

"  On  the  table  !  "  yelled  Miss  Crane  ;  "  let  it  be  hurled 
upon  the  floor  and  trodden  under  foot." 

Dr.  Bernhard  now  rose  and  begged  leave  to  explain  his 
motion.  He  stated  that  much  of  the  dissatisfaction  with 
which  it  had  been  received  was  doubtless  caused  by  a 
misapprehension  of  its  meaning.  He  had  not  intended 
to  propose  that  any  man  should  be  allowed  to  have  more 
than  one  wife  at  a  time. 


132  tjie  rniLOsopiiEns  of  foufouville. 

This  explanation  seemed  to  be  perfectly  satisfactory  to 
the  gentlemen,  and  even  many  of  the  ladies  appeared  to 
deem  the  proposition,  as  explained,  not  unreasonable,  for 
the  noise  and  clamor  perceptibly  began  to  subside  ;  but 
the  lull  in  the  storm  -was  only  temporary,  for  Peewit  being 
heard  to  say  that  he  thought  "  one  wife  sometimes  too 
many,"  the  hubbub  instantly  recommenced,  and  with  great- 
er violence  than  before,  —  his  remark  exciting  even  a  more 
lively  indignation  than  the  motion  of  Mr.  Benhard. 
Some  of  the  exasperated  females,  who  were  nearest  to 
him,  appeared  from  their  actions  anxious  to  lay  violent 
hands  on  him  ;  but  he  slunk  away  in  the  confusion,  in  the 
midst  of  general  execrations  accompanied  by  hisses  and 
hootings  and  cries  of  "  Turn  him  out !  "  "  Turn  him  out !  " 

Peewit  having  thus  acted  as  a  lamb  of  sacrifice,  and 
drawn  upon  himself  the  concentrated  wrath  of  the  audi- 
ence, Dr.  Bernhard  escaped  without  further  remark. 

EVENING      SESSION*. 

It  had  been  announced  that  Miss  Griffin  would,  on  this 
occasion,  deliver  her  long  and  anxiously  expected  lecture 
on  The  Co-relation  of  the  Sexes,  but  the  lady  stated  that 
her  feelings  had  received  so  great  a  shock  from  the  atro- 
cious proposition  that  had  been  enunciated  during  the 
afternoon  by  one  of  the  opposite  sex  (here  she  looked 
significantly  at  Peewit),  that  she  felt  quite  unable  to  do 
herself  or  the  subject  justice  that  evening. 

The  disappointment  appeared  to  be  general. 

Mr.  Peewit  now  rose  for  the  purpose  of  explanation, 
but  was  received  with  such  a  storm  of  hisses  and  re- 
proaches that  he  could  not  make  himself  heard. 


THE    PHILOSOPHERS    OF    FOUFOUVILLE.  133 

The  chairman  finally  ordered  him  to  sit  down. 

Dr.  Mary  Mo tt  then  proposed  the  following  resolution, — 

Wliereas,  A  Convention  is  about  to  be  called  for  the 
purpose  of  framing  a  new  State  constitution  ;  therefore, 

"  Resolved,  That  we  recommend  to  the  people  that  they 
elect  their  delegates  to  the  said  Convention  irrespective 
of  sex  or  complexion." 

Dr.  Bernhard.  —  "  If  female  candidates  are  voted  for, 
it  will  be  useless  to  advise  the  people  to  pay  no  regard  to 
complexion.  Those  who  have  the  fairest  skins  will  cer- 
tainly be  elected." 

Mrs.  Allbone.  —  "  Are  men  such  ninnies  ?  " 

Miss  Griffin.  —  "Alas  !  I  fear  they  are." 

The  resolution  was  passed. 

The  subject  of  education  came  next  in  order,  and 
apropos  of  this,  Prof.  Nicholas  Malpest  read  his  learned  and 
appreciative  review  of  the  "  Timeus  "  of  Plato.  As  it  con- 
tains some  novel  ideas  and  may  serve  as  a  a  rebuke  to 
the  materialistic  tendencies  of  the  present  age,  we  here- 
with give  the  document  entire,  printing  from  the  original 
MS. 

«  PLATO. 

"  BY  PROF.  NICHOLAS  MALPEST. 

"  The  works  of  Plato,  with  notes  by  Dr.  Solomon  Bigwig. 
Minerva  Press,  Oxford,  1850. 

"  CEuvres  de  Platon,  chez  Tete-de-chou.  Bue  de  l'Hibou, 
Paris,  1750. 

"  Platos  Briefe  iibersetzt.     Leipsig,  1600. 
Opera  Platonis.     Roma  A.  U.,  748. 

"  Tiriaioq  7]  Tiepl  (pCxreatq.     Athens,  99th  Olymp. 

Etc.  etc.  etc.  etc.  etc.  etc.  etc.  etc.  etc.  etc.  etc. 
12 


134  TI1E   riULOSOPIlERS    OF  foufouville. 

"A  whim  seems  tobe  taking  possession  of  men's  minds  in 
favor  of  the  study  of  physical  sciences  as  taught  by  the 
moderns,  instead  of  the  lucubrations  of  the  philosophers 
of  ancient  limes  ;  and  we  regret  to  sa}-,  that  of  late  years, 
this  delusion  appears  to  have  been  steadily  gaining  ground, 
and  even  to  have  received  the  commendation  of  some  of 
the  most  distinguished  names  in  literature,  art,  and  sci- 
ence. 

"  The  writings  of  Plato  have  engaged  the  study  and 
excited  the  admiration  of  the  scholars  of  Oxford  and 
Cambridge  since  the  days  of  Alfred,  and  we  now  propose 
to  recall  to  the  reader's  attention,  some  of  the  most  strik- 
ing passages  of  his  immortal  works,  —  works  that  will  lie 
universally  read  and  esteemed  when  those  of  the  Newtons, 
Ilerschels,  and  Faradays,  are  forgotten,  —  though  we  fear, 
if  the  new-fangled  ideas  prevail,  — not  till  then. 

"  The  '  Timeus '  of  Plato  is  acknowledged  to  be  one  of 
the  most  profound  emanations  of  ancient  wisdom  ;  in  fact, 
such  is  the  depth  of  its  profundity  that  much  of  it  is 
utterly  incomprehensible  to  modern  understandings. 

"  It  is  known  that  a  couple  of  Frenchmen  b}^  the  names 
of  Buffon  and  Cuvier  have  elaborated  a  complicated  system 
of  Natural  History,  in  which  the  mind  of  the  student  is 
bewildered  with  kingdoms,  genera,  species  and  varieties 
ad  infinitum,  with  vertebrate,  invertebrates,  mollusks,  etc. 
ad  nauseum.  How  much  simpler  and  more  satisfactory 
to  the  classical  scholar  is  the  system  of  the  learned  Greek ! 
It  is  expounded  in  the  '  Timeus '  in  the  following  lan- 
guage,— 

"  There  are  four  species  of  animals,  namely,  the  celes- 
tial race  of  gods,  birds,  fish,  and  beasts,  that  walk  upon 
the  land.'     [Timeus.     Edition  of  Schwalbe.     Page  505.] 


THE    PHILOSOPHERS    OF   F0UF0VV1LLE.  135 

"  One  Tyndall,  a  professor  in  the  Royal  Institution  of 
London,  has  (we  have  been  informed)  published  a  work 
on  heat  in  which  the  modern  theory  is  developed,  —  a 
theory  based  on  an  almost  infinite  number  and  variety 
of  experiments,  and  a  close  observation  of  the  workings 
of  nature,  but  in  which  many  questions  are  left  unsolved. 

"Now behold  how,  unaided  by  a  single  experiment,  but 
guided  only  by  the  light  of  transcendental  wisdom,  the 
great  Plato  lucidly  accounts  for  the  phenomena  that  so 
perplex  our  modern  philosophers. 

"  '  In  the  first  place,  it  is  evident  to  everybody  that  air, 
earth,  fire,  and  water  are  bodies.  What  is  more,  every 
kind  of  body  has  depth,  and  depth  necessarily  implies  a 
plane  nature.  Now  every  perfectly  plane  surface  is  com- 
posed of  triangles,  and  all  the  triangles  are  derived  from 
two  other  triangles,  each  of  which  has  one  right  angle  and 
two  acute  angles  ;  one  of  these  triangles  has  on  each  side 
a  part  of  the  right  angle  divided  by  equal  sides,  the  other 
has  the  unequal  parts  of  the  right  angle  divided  by  un- 
equal sides.  Such  is  the  origin  that  we  give  to  fire  and 
other  bodies,  basing  our  opinion  on  reasons  both  probable 
and  certain.'     [p.  523.] 

"  After  this  brilliant  scintillation  of  genius,  the  sage  of 
JEgina  vouchsafes  us  some  information  that  we  respect- 
fully recommend  to  the  attention  of  the  learned. 

"  'Let  us  now  take  the  two  triangles,  of  which  the  body 
of  fire,  and  the  bodies  of  the  other  elements  have  been 
formed,  the  isosceles  and  the  scalene,  of  which  the  square 
of  the  greatest  side  is  three  times  that  of  the  smallest. 
The  four  species  of  bodies  appeared  to  us  to  spring  from 
each  other ;  but  this  was  an  error.  These  four  species 
are   formed   of  the   triangles   that  we   have   mentioned, 


136  THE    PHILOSOPHERS    OF   FOUFOUVILLE. 

namely,  three  of  them  from  the  scalene  triangle,  and  the 
fourth  from  the  isosceles  triangle.'     [p.  524.] 

"Mark  how  different  is  his  explanation  of  the  reflection 
of  light  from  that  given  in  text-books  at  present. 

"  '  As  to  the  images  that  are  formed  on  mirrors  or  pol- 
ished surfaces,  it  is  very  easy  to  give  the  reason.  In  effect, 
when  the  interior  fire  and  the  exterior  fire  unite  together, 
and,  the  latter  renewing  itself  without  cessation,  applies 
itself  several  times  to  the  polished  surface,  the  images 
of  which  we  spoke  are  formed  necessarily,  because  the  fire 
which  starts  from  the  visage  mixes  itself  up  on  the  pol- 
ished surface  with  the  visual  fire.  Then  the  right  of  the 
object  appears  the  left,  because  the  contact  docs  not  take 
place  according  to  ordinary  laws.'     [p.  513.] 

"  There  is  nothing  here  about  those  angles  of  incidence 
and  angles  of  reflection  that  so  puzzle  the  classical 
scholar.  Who,  we  may  triumphantly  ask,  after  reading 
this  fieiy  passage  would  hesitate  to  choose  between  the 
Optics  of  Plato  and  those  of  Brewster. 

"  Many  volumes  have  been  written  on  the  origin  of  the 
various  ills  that  afflict  mankind.  Had  the  authors  con- 
sulted Plato,  they  might  have  saved  themselves  much 
trouble,  and  we  earnestly  call  upon  the  Academy  of  Med- 
icine to  give  heed  to  the  following  words,  — 

"  '  As  to  the  origin  of  maladies,  anybody  can  easily  find 
it.  In  effect,  as  there  are  four  elements  of  which  bodies 
are  composed,  —  namely,  air,  earth,  fire,  and  water, — the 
excess  or  the  deficiency  against  nature  of  these  substan- 
ces, their  transposition,  the  properties  contrary  to  their 
nature  acquired  by  fire  and  the  other  elements,  for  there 
are  several,  all  similar  accidents  engender  disorders  and 
sicknesses,  since  each  one  of  the  elements  changing  its 


THE    PHILOSOPHERS    OF   FOUFOUVILLE.  137 

nature  and  position,  that  which  was  at  first  cold  becomes 
warm,  that  which  was  dry  becomes  moist,  that  which  was 
light  becomes  heavy,  and  all  undergo  all  sorts  of  changes.' 
[p.  261.] 

"  What  depth  of  reasoning  is  displayed  in  this  exposi- 
tion !  How  admirably  the  effect  is  deduced  from  the 
cause  !  We  know  of  nothing  that  can  be  compared  to  it 
out  of  the  Chinese.  How  unlike  it  is  the  style  of  the 
Harveys,  the  Coopers,  and  the  Motts,  who  in  these  days 
are  looked  upon  as  authorities ! 

"  Having  accounted  for  the  ills  of  the  body,  the  sage 
rises  to  a  loftier  theme,  and  informs  us  of  the  origin  of 
those  of  the  soul.     He  says,  — 

"  '  When  bitter  and  salt  phlegm,  sour  and  bilious  humors 
spread  themselves  throughout  the  body  without  finding  an 
issue,  and,  pressed  from  the  interior,  mix  themselves  up 
and  disturb  the  revolutions  of  the  soul  by  their  vapors, 
they  engender  all  sorts  of  maladies  in  the  soul.'  [p. 
567.] 

"What  a  knowledge  of  hidden  causes  is  displayed  in 
the  following  passage ! 

"  '  The  gods  foresaw  that  we  would  be  inclined  to  great 
intemperance  in  eating  and  drinking ;  so,  to  prevent  us 
from  making  ourselves  sick,  and  killing  ourselves  by  over- 
eating, they  arranged  that  receptacle  called  the  belly  as  a 
sort  of  store-house  of  superfluous  food,  and  gave  the  in- 
testines an  immense  number  of  circumvolutions,  from  the 
fear  that  if  the  victuals  passed  through  them  quickly  we 
would  immediately  begin  eating  again,  and  thus  would 
have  no  time  for  the  muses  and  philosophy.'     [p.  549.] 

"  How  the  divine  Plato  rises  above  the  vulgar  anatomical 
reasons  that  would  be  given  by  a  modern  M.D. !  Instead 
12* 


138  THE    PniLOSOPHEIiS    OF  FOUFOUVILLE. 

of  descending  to  elude  and  bile,  be  soars  into  tbe  regions 
of  the  mases  and  philosophy  (ancient) ;  and  bow  sugges- 
tive, too,  is  the  whole  passage  ;  for  it  is  clear  that  if  tbe 
rectum  and  intestines  formed  a  straight  continuation  of 
tbe  stomacb  and  oesophagus,  so  tbat  food  passed  out  of 
tbe  body  about  as  fast  as  it  was  taken  in,  we  would  bare 
no  time  for  anything  but  eating.  We  would  be  lower  in 
tbe  animal  scale  tban  rabbits.  Every  man  would  bave  to 
be  bis  own  Delmonico,  and  keep  an  unlimited  supply  of 
food  on  band,  and  even  tben  would  be  in  danger  of  starv- 
ing to  deatb,  unless  Nature  provided  some  way  of  seizing 
it  flying  (as  it  were)  on  its  rapid  course  tbrougb  tbe  jeju- 
num. Tbe  buman  race  would  sweep  over  tbe  eartb  like 
devouring  locusts.  Tbe  flocks  and  berds  would  be  swal- 
lowed up  ;  borse  flesb  would  be  at  a  premium ;  tbe  Chinese 
would  not  be  alone  in  their  taste  for  cats  and  rats  ;  and 
even  tbe  partiality  of  tbe  Digger  Indians  for  grasshop- 
pers migbt  come  generally  into  fashion  ;  oysters  would  go 
down  by  tbe  bushel ;  the  poor  would  all  starve  to  death  ; 
and,  to  cap  the  climax,  we  would  have  been  deprived  of 
the  inestimable  privilege  of  studying  Plato,  for  his  bril- 
liant lucubrations,  having  been  written  on  parchment, would 
undoubtedly  have  been  devoured  by  somebody  long  before 
our  da}-,  —  a  misfortune  that  would  have  prevented  modern 
men  of  learning  from  digesting  them. 

1,1  "What  an  abyss  of  mysticism  is  contained  in  his  view 
of  creation ! 

" '  It  was  in  order  to  give  birth  to  Time  that  God  made 
the  Sun,  the  Moon,  and  the  five  other  stars  that  we  call 
planets  ;  in  order  to  determine  and  preserve  the  numbers 
which  measure  it,  and,  after  having  made  these  bodies, 
God  placed  tbe  whole  seven  of  them  in  the  seven  orbits, 


THE    PHILOSOPHERS    OF  FOUFOUVILLE.  139 

that  the  nature  of  the  other  describes  in  its  revolution ; 
the  Moon  in  the  first  orbit  that  surrounds  the  earth,  the 
Sun  in  the  second,  Venus  and  the  star  sacred  to  Mercury 
in  the  orbits  in  which  they  revolve  with  a  velocity  equal 
to  that  of  the  Sun,  but  in  a  contrary  direction  to  the  order 
of  signs.'     [p.  503.] 

"  No  mind  less  profound  than  that  of  Plato  could  have 
conceived  the  idea  of  the  creation  of  the  Sun,  Moon,  and 
five  other  planets  before  Time  was ;  and  what  classical 
scholar  will  not  consider  his  astronomical  theory  more  in 
accordance  with  the  perceptions  of  our  senses,  than  that 
of  Copernicus  and  his  followers,  who  go  so  far  as  actually 
to  deny  that  the  Sun  revolves  around  the  earth,  notwith- 
standing the  daily  evidence  of  our  eyes  to  the  contrary  ? 

"  But  it  is  in  his  description  of  the  manner  in  which  the 
Creator  formed  the  soul,  that  the  incomprehensible  genius 
of  Plato  attained  its  highest  flight.  "We  trust  our  readers 
will  pardon  us  for  giving  an  English  translation  of  it,  as 
it  is  possible  there  may  be  some  among  them  not  suffi- 
ciently versed  in  Greek  to  appreciate  the  full  vastidity  of 
the  ideas  in  the  original. 

"  '  Here  is  the  way  God  formed  the  soul.  "With  the  es- 
sence indivisible,  always  identical  to  itself,  and  with  the 
essence  divisible,  variable  of  bodies,  he  composed  a  third 
kind  of  intermediary  essence,  which  partakes  of  the  nature 
of  the  same  and  of  the  other,  and  thus  he  established  it 
in  the  midst  of  that  which  is  indivisible  and  that  which  is 
divisible  ;  after  having  taken  these  three  kinds  of  princi- 
ples, he  mixed  them  up  in  order  to  reduce  them  to  a  sin- 
gle kind,  by  forcibly  uniting  the  rebellious  nature  of  the 
same  to  that  of  the  other ;  and  when  he  had  mixed  the 
same  and  the  other  with  the  intermediary  essence,  and 


14.0  THE    rniLOSOPHELS    OF   FOUFOUVILLE. 

out  of  these  three  things  had  made  one  whole  one,  he 
divided  it  into  as  many  parts  as  were  necessary  ;  so  that 
each  one  of  these  parts  was  composed  of  the  same,  of  the 
other,  and  of  the  Intermediary  essence.'     [p.  499.] 

"  Now  it  will  hardly  be  credited,  but  it  is  nevertheless 
true  that  a  celebrated  French  author  has  had  the  temerity 
to  pronounce  this  quintessence  of  sublime,  mctaplrysical 
transcendentalism  to  be  '  sheer  nonsense  ! '  (galimatias!) 
and  this  opinion  we  regret  to  say,  seems  to  be  that  of 
most  of  the  learned  men  of  his  country,  who  indeed  do 
not  hesitate  to  speak  in  the  most  disrespectful  manner,  not 
only  of  Plato  himself,  but  of  the  ancient  philosophers  in 
general,  —  nay,  they  even  go  so  far  as  to  laugh  at  them  ! 
Such  hardihood  might  be  expected  from  a  people  so 
deeply  infected  with  the  teachings  of  modern  science  as 
the  French. 

"  The  few  extracts  we  have  given  from  the  '  Timeus,' 
are,  we  trust,  sufficient  to  show  the  nature  of  that  sublime 
work  ;  and  when  it  is  borne  in  mind  that  all  the  produc- 
tions of  Plato,  and  indeed  of  most  of  the  philosophers 
of  old,  are  conceived  in  a  similar  lofty  and  mystical  spirit, 
we  feel  assured  that  enough  will  have  been  done  to  enable 
the  intelligent  reader  to  draw  a  correct  conclusion  as  to 
the  comparative  advantages  between  the  study  of  their 
lucubrations,  and  the  works  of  modern  men  of  science. 
The  former  disdained  to  stoop  to  experiment,  but,  relying 
on  their  intuitive  perception  of  truth,  did  not  shrink  from 
the  boldest  speculations,  with  what  success  the  extracts 
we  have  given  demonstrate.  How  different  was  their  way 
of  theorizing,  from  the  method  by  which  philosophers  in 
those  degenerate  days  seek  to  penetrate  the  arcana  of 
Nature  !     The  latter  would  reduce  everything  to  weight 


THE    PHILOSOPHERS    OF   F0UF0VV1LLE.  141 

and  measure,  and  refuse  to  accept  the  smallest  fact  until 
it  has  been  proved  by  actual  experiment ;  moreover,  they 
value  a  discovery  just  in  proportion  as  it  tends  to  amelio- 
rate the  condition  of  mankind,  —  a  low  consideration 
quite  beneath  the  dignity  of  ancient  philosophy. 

"  The  Turks  believe  that  those  who  are  afflicted  with 
mental  hallucination  are  favored  by  the  Almighty,  and 
gifted  with  a  peculiar  wisdom.  This  idea  of  those  infi- 
dels seems  to  receive  some  confirmation  from  the  fact  that 
the  only  productions  we  ever  met  with  that  could  be  com- 
pared to  those  of  Plato,  for  the  extreme  profundity  of 
their  sublimated  mysticism,  were  the  original  articles  in 
the  journal  published  by  the  inmates  of  the  Asylum  for 
Alienes  at  New  Bedlam. 

"  In  conclusion  we  will  observe  that  as  the  human  body 
after  death  is  resolved  into  its  original  elements,  and  by 
then  entering  into  the  composition  of  plants  and  being 
eaten,  may  actually  assist  in  building  up  and  form  a  part 
of  some  other  and  living  body  or  bodies,  may  we  not  — 
reasoning  from  analogy,  and  taking  into  consideration  the 
doctrine  of  the  conservation  of  force  —  suppose  that  the 
soul  or  mind  may  pass  through  a  similar  change  ?  A  sci- 
entific man  in  the  nineteenth  century  would  doubtless 
decline  to  trouble  himself  about  this  question  unless  he 
could  catch  a  soul  to  experiment  upon,  but  an  ancient 
philosopher  would  not  have  hesitated  to  pronounce  his 
decision,  and  we  can  easily  picture  to  ourself  the  solemn, 
long-bearded,  barefooted  sage,  muttering  his  oracular 
sentences  with  upturned  eyes,  while  his  open-mouthed 
auditors  are  dumfounded  by  such  a  display  of  ineffable 
wisdom ;  we  can  even  fancy  that  we  hear  the  lucid  and 
convincing  argument. 


142  the  rniLOSOPnEits  of  foufouville. 

"  '  The  soul  being  composed  of  isosceles  triangles,  it  is 
clear  that  the  indivisible  essence  is  permeated  by  the  same, 
and  consequently  the  divisible  essence  is  to  the  interme- 
diary essence  as  \\  are  to  the  square  root  of  the  first  prin- 
ciple, —  consequently  twice  two  are  four.  Kow,  since  the 
world  is  an  animal,  and  a  soul  without  a  corporation  is 
minus  individuality,  and  fire  is  a  neutral  conglomeration 
of  scalene  triangles,  each  containing  eighteen  obtuse  angles, 
it  is  obvious  that  by  the  intermixification  of  the  primary 
principles  the  resultibus  is  one  ex  nihility  ;  so  that  by  the 
natural  ratiocination  of  secondary  ideas,  anybody  can  see 
that  the  sequence  to  the  manducation  of  mundungus  must 
be  a  jactitatious  lumbago  of  the  diaphragm. 

"  Having  proved  so  much  by  reasons  clear  and  incon- 
trovertible, know  now  that  an  infinitesimal  lrypothenuse 
from  the  zenith  to  the  umbilical  region  of  the  nadir  would 
cause  a  hiatus  of  heterogeneous  gnomonics  throughout 
the  universe  ;  hence  it  is  evident  that  the  honiologou scon- 
catenation  of  sesquilateral  xylobalsamums  being  equal  to 
one  hundred  and  seventy-seven  perpendicular  parallclopi- 
pedons,  therefore  my  confabulation  must  excite  oscitancy, 
wherefore  I  will  incontinently  proceed  to  exsiccate." 

Prof.  Malpest's  address  was  received  with  much  applause 
although  one  hiss  was  heard  (supposed  to  have  come 
from  Miss  Griffin). 

The  secretary  then  stated  that  she  had  received  a  letter 
of  declination,  which  came  too  late  to  be  given  with  the 
others,  but  which  she  proposed  to  read  now,  as  the  writer 
—  a  gentleman  named  Lovell,  and  evidently  a  mere  man 
of  the  world  —  most  unwittingly  exposed  the  shallow 
sophistries  by  which  the  man  of  the  present  day  endeav- 


THE    PHILOSOPHERS    OF    FOUFOUVILLE.  143 

ored  to  stifle  the  promptings  of  conscience,  and  to  up- 
hold that  iniquitous  system  by  which  woman  is  kept  in 
degradation. 

This  puerile  epistle  would  serve  as  a  warning  to  the 
Convention,  and  by  showing  the  exact  strength  —  or 
rather,  weakness  —  of  the  enemy's  position,  would  give 
encouragement  to  the  female  mind  in  future  struggles 
against  the  advances  of  the  foe. 

Miss  Blackball  then  read  the  following  letter,  — 

"Harmony  Hall,  May  2d,  1850. 

"  To  the  Secretary  of  the  F.  R.  A. :  — 

"Madame,  —  I  regret  that  a  previous  engagement, 
which  makes  my  presence  here  absolutely  necessary,  will 
debar  me  from  the  pleasure  of  assisting  at  the  Convention. 

"  I  beg  to  decline  the  honor  of  being  proposed  as  a  mem- 
ber of  the  Association,  from  the  fear  that  my  views  are 
not  in  sufficient  accordance  with  those  of  the  ladies  com- 
posing it.  Although  I  will  not  deny  woman's  abstract 
right  to  the  franchise,  I  have  doubts  of  the  advisability  of 
her  obtaining  and  exercising  that  right.  [Some  signs  of 
indignation  among  the  ladies.] 

"Although  in  politics  a  firm  Republican  [Cries  of  'That's 
enough ! '  '  Stop  ! '  '  Stop  ! '  '  The  vile  Radical !  "  So  am 
I ! '  '  Go  on ! '  '  Go  on  ! '] ,  and  therefore  holding  that  gov- 
ernment derives  its  theoretically  just  powers  only  from  the 
consent  of  the  governed,  I  nevertheless  believe  that 
government  to  be  the  best  which  adds  most  to  the  happi- 
ness of  the  people,  no  matter  what  its  form  may  be. 
History  shows  that  these  two  principles,  like  oil  and  water, 
are  generally  antagonistic.  Education  is  the  alkali  that 
makes  them  run  smoothly  together.  In  some  countries 
Republicanism  has  been  tried  and  found  wanting.     The 


144  tiie  rniLOSOPnEns  of  foufouville. 

mass  of  the  people  were,  perhaps,  not  sufficiently  intelli- 
gent or  advanced.  They  were,  politically  speaking,  boys, 
and  still  required  masters,  or  a  master  with  a  sceptre  for  a 
rod.  In  our  own  glorious  and  enlightened  land  [Male  voice 
'  Good  ! '  feminine  ditto,  '  Enlightened  indeed  ! ']  the  two 
principles  do  not  clash,  and  a  system  founded  on  the  will 
of  the  people  is  the  most  just  theoretically,  and  at  the 
same  time  the  best  practically,  and  makes  us  the  freest 
and  happiest  people  in  the  whole  world.  [Boy  in  gallery 
'  Hurrah ! '  Several  ladies,  '  Founded  on  the  will  of  the  peo- 
ple, indeed ! '  Old  lady, '  Aren't  women-folks  people  then? ' 
Professor  Malpest  was  heard  to  mutter  something  about 
1  Sunday,'  and  brother  Scipio  Africanus  was  seen  to 
shake  his  head  negatively,  but  whether  in  response  to  the 
query  of  the  old  lady,  or  to  the  last  paragraph  in  the  let- 
ter, }Tour  reporter  could  not  determine.] 

"  Applying  these  two  principles  to  the  subject  of  the 
political  disabilities  of  woman,  and  granting  that  no  just 
reason  can  be  urged  against  her  right  to  vote,  the  question 
ariseg,  Would  the  happiness  of  man  ['  Man  ! '  '  Man  ! ' 
'  Only  man  ! '  '  What  does  he  care  for  woman  ! '  '  The 
selfish  thing  ! ']  that  is  to  say,  mankind  in  general  —  both 
sexes  —  be  increased  by  the  exercise  of  that  right  ?  I  think 
not.  [Strong  marks  of  dissatisfaction.  Miss  Griffin 
observed  that  the  writer  was  a  young  and  very  inexperi- 
enced person.] 

"  The  most  delightful  charm  in  life  is  found  in  the 
relationship  between  the  sexes  as  it  exists  in  civilized 
countries,  and  this  charm  is  actually  heightened  by  the 
differences  between  them.  Sensible  women  do  not  admire 
effeminate  men ;  men  do  not  admire  masculine  women. 
Each  sex  has  its  peculiar  duties.     This  assertion  does  not 


THE    PHILOSOPHERS    OF    FOUFOUVILLE.  145 

necessarily  imply  an  intellectual  superiority  in  either  ;  for 
one  person  may  have  a  talent  for  the  law,  another  for 
mercantile  pursuits,  another  for  the  arts  of  design,  each 
be  wanting  in  the  special  gifts  of  the  others,  and  yet  all 
be  of  equal  mental  calibre. 

"The  strong  arms  of  man  can  accomplish  work  for 
which  the  delicately  moulded  limbs  of  woman  are  quite 
unfitted.  [Mrs.  Allbone,  '  He  can't ! ']  She  has  work  to 
do  that  cannot  be  done  by  him.  [Several  gentlemen, 
'What  is  it?'  'What  is  it?'  Mr.  Peewit  ventured  to 
suggest,  "Wet-nurse;"  the  chairman  frowned,  and  he 
shrank  into  a  corner,  looking  as  frightened  as  a  boy  in  a 
church-yard,  at  night,  at  the  sound  of  his  own  voice.]  In 
barbarous  states  of  society  there  is  some  equality  between 
the  amount  of  labor  done  by  the  men  and  the  women. 
But  is  the  condition  there  of  the  latter  desirable  ?  Does 
the  most  strong-minded  sister  envy  it  ?  The  convention- 
alities of  civilization  have  given  us  different  fields  of  toil. 
If  you  were  to  break  down  the  barriers  that  separate  us, 
so  that  men  and  women  should  be  in  all  respects  as  much 
on  an  equality  as  human  efforts  could  make  them,  you 
would  break  the  charm  that  attracts  them  towards  each 
other  [Mrs.  Allbone,  '  Charm,  indeed !  No  man  ever 
charmed  me  ! ']  ;  marriage  would  cease  to  be  valued  as  a 
sacred  and  enduring  bond,  and  would  be  regarded  as  a 
mere  temporary  convenience  ['  Or  inconvenience  ! '  said  Mr. 
Peewit,  for  which  interruption  he  was  sharply  rebuked  by 
the  chairman],  to  be  assumed  or  cast  off  at  will." 

"  Moreover,  it  is  very  doubtful  if  the  exercise  of  the 

franchise  by  the  ladies  would  have  a  beneficial  effect  on 

our  political  affairs  ['  Of  course  not  in  the  opinion  of  such 

persons,'  said  Miss  Crane,  tossing  her  head],  for  women 

13 


14G  the  pniLosornERs  of  foufouville. 

of  culture  and  reGucmcnt,  whose  perceptions  of  right  and 
wrong  are  far  superior  to  those  of  the  average  male  voter, 
would  generally  shrink  from  the  squabbles  of  the  polls, 
while  the  brazen,  ignorant  denizens  of  the  purlieus  of  our 
cities  would  swarm  out  to  make  use  of  their  privilege, 
thus  doubling  the  strength  of  that  portion  of  our  popula- 
tion which  is  the  least  qualified  to  understanding^  exert 
its  power. 

"  Men,  in  their  actions,  are  guided  chiefly  by  their 
interests ;  women,  by  their  feelings  or  prejudices ;  and 
surely  in  politics  the  former  are  a  better  guide  than  the 
latter  (except  where  the  prejudice  is  in  favor  of  honor)  ; 
for,  in  a  republic,  if  every  man  knows  his  interest  and 
votes  in  accordance  with  it,  the  majority  are  benefited  by 
it.  [Several  voices,  'The  majority  of  the  men.']  I 
assume  that  the  interest  of  the  wife  is,  or  ought  to  be,  the 
same  as  that  of  the  husband.  ['  The  outrageous  assump- 
tion ! '  ' It  is  ! '  'It  isn't ! '  'It  never  can  be  till  women 
make  the  laws  ! '] 

"  In  the  southern  section  of  our  country  the  politicians 
are  said  to  be  plotting  secession,  impelled  by  motives  of 
fancied  personal  interest.  The  women,  from  a  prejudice 
in  favor  of  their  peculiar  institution,  or  from  devotion  to 
their  fathers,  or  husbands,  or  brothers,  are  in  full  accord- 
ance with  them.  If  war  were  to  result,  the  women  would 
have  more  to  lose  than  the  men ;  for  while  the  latter 
would  risk  their  lives,  the  former  would  risk  the  loss  of 
those  on  whom  they  depend  for  support,  and  in  whom  are 
centred  those  affections  whose  satisfaction  alone  makes 
life  desirable.  Yet  is  it  probable  that  they  would  endeav- 
or to  have  a  restraining  influence  over  the  men  ?    Would 


THE    PIHLOSOPH.ERS     OF  FOVFOUVILLE.  147 

not  their  passions  be  more  powerful  than  their  inter- 
ests ?  * 

"  Your  voting,  mesdames,  would  not  augment,  but 
would  rather  diminish,  your  influence  over  us  ;  and,  believ- 
ing that  influence  to  be  for  the  best,  I  wish  to  see  it 
increased.  The  more  truly  womanly  you  are,  the  greater 
it  will  be.  We  are  now  with  some  truth  called  your 
slaves,  and  willing  slaves  we  are  ;  but  make  yourselves  to 
all  intents  and  purposes  one  of  us,  and  the  chains  are 
broken.  We  might  jog  along  together  amicably,  perhaps, 
united,  like  partners  in  business,  by  reasons  of  interest 
and  mutual  convenience,  or  even  of  friendship,  but  not  by 
the  stronger  ties  of  the  heart. 

"  If  you  have  wrongs,  they  can  and  will  be  rectified ; 
and  impartial  justice  is  more  likely  to  be  done  by  intelli- 
gent men,  who  have  mothers,  and  wives,  and  sisters,  and 
daughters,  than  by  the  majority  of  those  of  the  gentler 
sex  who  would  be  most  prone  to  do  battle  at  the  polls. 
Believe  me,  you  can  obtain  more  as  women  than  as  voters. 

"  Men  know  that  it  is  sometimes  best  not  to  make  use 
of  an  admitted  power  or  privilege.  Your  right  to  vote  I 
will  not  dispute.  I  have  a  right  to  cut  off  my  own  nose, 
if  I  will  (having  no  wife)  ;  but  I  would  be  very  foolish  to 
do  so. 

"  Nothing  human  is  perfect.-  If  the  franchise  could  be 
confined  to  the  educated  men  and  women  of  our  country, 
it  would  probably  be  better  for  us  all.  There  would  be 
less  corruption  in  office,  and  a  higher  tone  in  all  our 
affairs.  •  But  this  cannot  be ;  and  since  such  is  the  case, 
and  we  claim  to  be  more  prosperous  and  contented  than 
any  other  people,  would  it  not  be  wise  to  leave  well 

*  The  ovont  justified  Mr.  Lovcll's  fear.  —  Note  by  the  author. 


148  the  rniLOSornERS  of  foufouville. 

enough  alone  at  least,  until  we  have  a  stronger  surety 
than  exists  at  present,  that  the  change  you  desire  would 
increase  the  general  welfare  and  happiness  ? 

"  Yours  respectfully  and  sincerely, 

"  L.  Lovell." 

A  silence  of  several  minutes'  duration  followed  the 
reading  of  this  letter.  Several  of  the  ladies  were  heard 
to  say  that  their  indignation  was  so  great  that  they 
could  not  find  words  in  which  to  express  it.  Miss  Griffin 
was  the  first  to  recover  her  equanimity,  or,  at  least, 
the  entire  power  of  speech. 

"  Such,"  said  she,  "  are  the  pitiable  subterfuges  with 
which  our  tyrant  has  too  long  beguiled  us.  But  the  hour 
of  deliverance  is  at  hand.  Woman  has  only  to  be  true 
to  herself  to  see  man  at  her  feet.  Why  should  she  be 
constrained  to  mope  by  her  lonely  hearth,  while  he  goes 
about  where  he  will  ?  Why  should  she  be  frowned  upon 
for  that  which  is  passed  over  lightly  in  him?  If  a  single 
life  was  for  him  the  reality  that  it  is  to  to  her,  I  fancy 
there  would  not  be  quite  so  many  useless  bachelors."     - 

At  this  point  an  excited  individual  in  the  gallery 
(evidently  an  outsider)  jumped  up  and  exclaimed,  — 

"  You  say  there  is  a  different  standard  of  morality  for 
men  and  for  women  ;  that  what  is  venial  in  him,  is  unpar- 
donable in  her.  You  have  only  yourselves  to  blame. 
Men  do  not  make  our  social  codes.  The  days  of  snivel 
ling  Puritans  are  over.  The  laws  of  society  are  not 
decided  by  ballot.  It  is  you,  not  us,  who  prevent  the 
'  unfortunate '  from  retrieving  the  errors  of  the  past, 
while  he,  who  shared  her  fault  or  misfortune,  goes  compar- 
atively unscathed.    Would  you  pardon  neither,  but  con- 


THE    PHILOSOPHERS    OF    FOUFOVVILLE.  149 

demn  both  equally,  hoping  thereby  to  reform  the  world  ? 
If  such  is  your  aim,  you  should  call  a  convention  in 
heaven,  and  induce  the  Almighty  to  change  human  nature." 

Here  the  chairman  ordered  the  sergeant-at-arms  to  put 
the  interloper  out.  Mrs.  Allbone  obeyed  the  mandate, 
amid  cries  from  the  boys  in  the  gallery  of  "  Out  with  him  ! " 
"-Hustle  him  off!  "  "  Bulb/  for  you !  "  etc. 

"Alas!"  said  Miss  Griffin,  "there  is  truth  in  the 
words  of  the  stranger.  Woman  is  her  own  greatest 
enemy.  Custom  is  the  Kali  —  the  evil-genius  of  the  sex. 
In  China,  from  time  immemorial,  her  every  step  in  life 
has  been  one  of  torture,  in  obedience  to  its  absurd  and 
cruel  behests  ;  in  India,  it  sacrificed  her  upon  an  altar  of 
fire  ;  in  Europe,  it  keeps  her  in  lifelong  bondage  to  man ; 
her  mind,  not  permitted  to.  expand,  cannot  emerge  from 
the  chrysalis  state,  but  remains  confined  in  the  cocoon  of 
decorum.  Let  us  hope  that  in  America  she  will  become 
fully  developed,  and  attain  the  age  of  reason."  [Several 
voices,  "  She  has  ! "     "  She  has  ! "] 

Mr.  Peewit. —  "  Then,  when  she  gets  out  of  the  cocoon, 
she  will  be  a  beautiful  butterfly  ?  " 

Dr.  Bernhard.  —  "  And  be  guilty  of  indecorum?  " 

Miss  Griffin. —  (With  a  look  of  contempt.)  "  Man 
cannot  understand  woman." 

The  chairman  now  read  an  "  Appeal  to  the  Women  of 
the  World, "  in  which  she  set  forth  in  clear  terms  the  ob- 
jects sought  to  be  attained  by  the  Association,  and  dem- 
onstrated the  necessity  of  co-operation  on  the  part  of  the 
sex  in  all  countries,  in  order  to  enable  woman  to  head 
off  the  futher  encroachments  of  designing  man  on  her  nat- 
ural rights. 

The  appeal  was  adopted  with  great  enthusiasm  and 
13* 


150  TI1E    rniLOSOPIIERS    OF    FOUFOUVILLE. 

ten  thousand  copies  directed  to  be  printed  in  each  of 
twenty  different  languages. 

In  order  to  obtain  funds  for  this  purpose,  it  was  now 
stated  that  a  collection  would  be  taken  up. 

As  it  was  growing  late,  the  audience  began  moving 
towards  the  door,  and  in  fifteen  minutes  the  room  was 
almost  vacated. 

So  ended  the  Convention. 

As  the  comments  of  the  press  of  the  time  may  be  of 
some  interest  to  the  reader,  Ave  will  give  a  few  extracts 
from  the  editorial  columns  of  two  of  the  leading  city 
papers, — 

[From  the  Protean  Herald  of  May  18th.] 

"  That  heterogenous  conglomeration  of  foufouites,  pha- 
lansterites,  ideologists,  transcendentalists,  spiritualists, 
free-thinkers,  free-lovers,  strong-minded  women,  and  weak- 
minded  men,  known  as  the  F.  R.  A.,  have  held  their  annual 
confabulation.  Society  in  general,  and  the  male  portion 
thereof  in  particular,  seemed  to  be  the  peculiar  object  of 
feminine  vituperation.  One  would  suppose  that  the 
sight  of  that  abominable  animal  —  man  —  had  a  similar 
effect  upon  these  ladies  as  a  red  banner  upon  a  mad  bull. 
Notwithstanding  this,  various  projects  were  devised  for 
providing  all  forlorn  damsels  with  husbands.  That  un- 
fortunate document,  the  constitution  of  the  United  States, 
was,  figuratively  speaking,  torn  to  pieces.  What  imbe- 
ciles our  forefathers  must  have  been !  Why  did  they  not 
attend  to  their  shops  and  their  farms,  and  leave  it  to  their 
wives  to  settle  the  affairs  of  the  state  ? 

"  Letters  were  read  from  various  individuals,  known 
and  unknown  to  fame  (mostly  the  latter),  including  a 
patriotic  effusion  from  the  Old  Public  Functionary  at  the 


THE    PHILOSOPHERS    OF   FOUFOUVILLE.  151 

White  House.  The  Chevalier  Malpest  opened  our  eyes  as 
to  the  merits  of  an  ancient  Foufouite  named  Plato ;  the 
Baron  Von  Bernhard  proposed  to  start  a  harem,  which 
brought  the  whole  house  down  on  him  in  the  most  harum- 
scarum  manner  ;  and  poor  Peewit  having  rashly  given  utter- 
ance to  a  sentiment  derogatory  to  the  amiable  sex,  was 
obliged  to  fly  for  his  life.  If  any  one  of  these  gentlemen 
will  pay  us  a  visit  at  our  hospitable  mansion  on  Harlem 
Heights,  he  shall  be  received  with  all  the  honors  due  to 
his  exalted  merit,  and  we  will  show  him  how  it  is  possible 
in  this  sublunary  sphere  to  jog  through  life  quite  com- 
fortably with  nothing  but  cash  and  common  sense. 

"  A  proposition  to  pass  around  the  hat  caused  a  gener- 
al stampede  for  the  door.  Our  reporter  at  first  thought 
the  house  was  on  fire  ;  but  the  apparition  of  half  a  dozen 
grizzly,  hirsute  individuals,  with  their  hats  in  their  hands, 
pursuing  the  flying  crowd,  showed  him  what  was  the 
matter.  We  know  not  what  was  the  contemplated  object 
of  the  contemplated  contribution  ;  but  the  most  worthy 
charity  we  know  of,  and  one  of  which  we  will  gladly 
head  the  subscription  list  with  the  munificient  donation 
of  ten  cents,  would  be  for  the  purchase  of  a  bran-new  white 
hat,  overcoat,  and  box  of  blacking  for  our  philanthrop- 
ical  contemporary,  the  Foufouite  Mormon  philosopher  of 
Spruce  Street,  so  that  his  appearance  might  be  in  some 
sort  of  keeping  with  the  name  of  the  street  in  which  he 
holds  forth. 

"  Seriously  speaking ;  if  this  noble  army  of  martyrs,* 
male  and  female,  really  wish  to  be  of  use  to  their  country, 
let  the  men  immediately  set  themselves  to  work  cleaning 
the  streets  of  our  city,  and,  when  they  have  raised  the 


152  tiie  rniLosornEiis  of  foufouville. 

wherewithal,  let  them  present  each  one  of  the  women  with 
a  patent  sewing-machine." 

[From  the  Tribune  of  the  People  of  May  10th.] 

"  The  Convention  of  the  F.  It.  A.  has  finished  its  lahors. 
The  objects  sought  to  be  attained  by  the  lofty-minded 
men  and  women  who  conduct  this  movement  for  reform, 
deserve  the  serious  consideration  of  every  progressive 
and  patriotic  American.  If  we  would  behold  this  glori- 
ous union  advance  for  the  enlightenment  of  mankind  in 
the  future  as  it  has  done  in  the  past,  we  must  give  heed  to 
the  warning  voice  of  reason.  If  we  would  see  our  rum- 
shops  closed,  the  fetters  stricken  from  the  limbs  of  the 
oppressed,  our  manufactures  fostered,  our  rising  genera- 
tion of  young  men  and  women  free,  virtuous,  and  happy, 
we  must  listen  to  reason. 

"  "We  notice  that  the '  Satanic  Press,'  as  might  have  been 
expected  from  that  shallow  sheet,  treats  this  profound 
subject  of  reform  with  its  customary  superciliousness  ;  its 
personal  strictures  we  shall  pass  by  without  notice,  that 
being  a  matter  between  man  and  man,  with  which  the  gen- 
eral public  has  nothing  to  do. 

"If  we  wear  a  shocking  bad  hat,  it  covers  a  head 
filled  with  good  thoughts. 

"  If  our  coat  is  white,  so  is  our  conscience. 

"  As  to  understandings,  we  consider  polished  manners 
of  more  consequence  than  polished  boots. 

"  With  regard  to  the  infamous  insinuation  that  we  have 
become  a  convert  to  Mormonism,  we  indignantly  hurl 
back  the  false  aspersion  in  the  teeth  of  our  calumniator." 


THE    PHILOSOPHERS    OF   FOUFOUVILLE.  153 


CHAPTER    VII. 

Some  Adventures  of  Mr.  Peewit. 

On  the  day  after  the  Convention  broke  up,  Mrs.  Strong- 
itharm,  considering  it  incumbent  on  her  to  return  without 
delay  to  her  house-keeping  duties  at  Harmony  Hall,  placed 
fifty  dollars  in  the  hands  of  Mr.  Peewit  with  instructions 
to  purchase  for  her  a  few  needed  articles  of  female  ap- 
parel, and  rejoin  her  at  the  phalanstery  in  the  evening. 
This  was  the  first  day  the  gentleman  had  been  left  to  him- 
self since  he  became  a  Harmonian,  and  he  determined  to 
take  advantage  of  the  opportunity  to  put  in  execution  a 
design  that  had  for  some  time  past  engaged  his  thoughts. 
Purchasing  a  cop}r  of  the  "  Protean  Herald,"  he  ran  his 
eye  rapidly  over  the  columns  until  he  came  to  the  follow- 
ing advertisement,  — 

"Wonderful.  —  Madam  Demain,  seventh  daughter  of  a 
seventh  daughter,  born  with  a  caul,  the  greatest  living  clairvoy- 
ant. Heads  the  past,  present  and  future,  reveals  your  thoughts, 
tells  lucky  numbers,  gives  advice  on  business  and  theft,  de- 
scribes whom  you  will  marry,  etc." 

"  Ladies,  50  ceuts,  — Gentlemen  $1. 

"  1001  Mulberry  St.,  4th  Floor." 

Mr.  Peewit  cut  out  the  advertisement,  put  it  carefully 
in  his  waistcoat-pocket  and  directed  his  steps  to  the  local- 
ity indicated.  He  found  it  to  be  a  dirty,  tumble-down, 
four-story  tenement  house ;  sheets,  shirts,  and  stockings 


154  THE    PUlLOSOPnERS    OF   FOUFOUVILLE. 

were  hanging  from  the  windows  to  dry,  and  dozens  of  tow- 
headed  children  were  playing  around  the  gutter  in  front. 
After  looking  up  and  down  the  street  once  or  twice,  as  if 
he  feared  to  be  seen,  he  at  last  ventured  to  go  up  the  steps 
and  to  give  a  gentle  tap  with  the  knocker.  No  response 
being  made,  he  tapped  again,  and,  after  waiting  five  min- 
utes longer,  gave  a  positive  knock.  A  woman  now  poked 
her  head  out  of  a  basement  window,  and,  speaking  with  a 
decided  Irish  brogue,  asked,  — 

"  An  who  are  ye  afther  seeking?  " 

"  Does  Madam  Domain  live  here? " 

"  Sure  its  up  the  alley  ye'll  find  her,  in  the  rare  buildin'." 

So  Peewit  passed  through  the  narrow  open  passage- 
way alongside  of  the  house,  and  saw  at  the  back  of  the 
yard  a  four-story  dwelling,  of  a  more  dingy  and  weather- 
beaten  aspect  than  the  one  in  front.  This  was  the  "  rare 
building,"  and  the  door  being  open,  and  unfurnished  with 
either  bell  or  knocker,  he  walked  in  and  ascended  the  rickety 
stairway.  Having  reached  the  fourth  floor  he  knocked 
at  the  first  door  he  came  to.  Some  one  was  grinding  a 
hand-organ  within,  but  the  noise  now  ceased  and  a  heavily 
bearded  man,  with  a  wretched-looking  monkey  on  his 
shoulder  and  a  small  switch  in  his  hand,  opened  the  door 
an  inch  or  two,  and  asked,  in  a  petulant  tone,  — 

"Vatiskit?" 

"  Madam  Demain,"  answered  Peewit. 

"  Up  shtairs,"  replied  the  man,  slamming  the  door. 

So  Peewit  mounted  to  the  attic.  He  there  saw  a  tall, 
gaunt  woman,  about  forty-eight  j^ears  of  age,  with  keen  gray 
eyes,  heavy,  overhanging  brows,  uncombed,  frizzled  black 
hair  that  stood  out  in  every  direction  like  the  snakes  from 
the  head  of  Medusa,  and  dressed  in  a  dirty,  black  frock, 


THE    PHILOSOPHERS    OF    FOUFOVVILLE.  155 

soiled  stockings,  and  slippers  clown  at  the  heel.  When 
he  arrived  she  was  bending  over  a  small  stove  frying  sau- 
sages. 

"  Madam  Demain,  the  meedjum?  "  said  Peewit. 

The  female  immediately  assumed  a  look  of  dignity, 
and,  striding  across  the  garret  with  a  theatrical  air,  opened 
a  low,  narrow  door  and  said,  in  a  lofty  tone,  — 

"  Enter." 

Peewit  obeyed,  though  it  was  necessary  for  him  to 
stoop  in  order  to  do  so.  He  would  now  gladly  have  found 
himself  once  more  in  the  open  street,  —  for  the  place  re- 
minded him  of  descriptions  of  the  mouth  of  Hell,  and  he 
felt  exceedingly  ill  at  ease,  —  but  the  door  had  been  closed 
after  him.  It  was  too  late  to  retreat.  He  found  himself 
in  a  contracted  attic  room,  lighted  only  by  a  small  dormer 
window  from  which  several  panes  had  been  broken,  and 
the  apertures  stopped  with  a  hat  and  some  old  clothes. 
At  first  he  could  hardly  distinguish  more  than  the  dirty 
panes  of  the  window  ;  but,  as  his  eyes  became  accustomed 
to  the  obscurity,  he  perceived  by  a  dim  light  a  small, 
square  table  in  the  centre  of  the  room,  with  a  couple  of 
chairs  on  opposite  sides  of  it.  Into  one  of  these  he  let 
himself  drop,  for  a  tremor  came  over  him,  and  he  felt  as 
if  he  had  put  himself,  body  and  soul,  in  the  power  of  the 
evil  one. 

A  hissing  sound  without  added  to  his  unpleasant  sensa- 
tions, for  he  could  not  distinguish  whether  it  was  made  by 
venomous  serpents  or  sausages.  He  sat  for  some  time 
perfectly  motionless,  hardly  daring  to  raise  his  eyes  from 
the  table,  for  he  fancied  he  was  surrounded  by  grinning 
skeletons,  stuffed  toads,  lizards,  dragons,  antediluvian 
reptiles,  and  other  frightful  objects,  like  the  alchemist  in 


156  THE    PHILOSOPHERS    OF   FOUFOUVILLE. 

Hogarth's  picture.  "When  at  last  be  ventured  timidly  to 
look  around,  he  was  quite  surprised  to  find  that  the  walls 
were  perfectly  bare,  being  covered  with  nothing  but  dirt 
and  cobwebs.  In  about  ten  minutes,  the  gaunt  female 
glided  in  by  a  side  door,  and,  seating  herself  in  a  chair 
opposite  to  him,  held  out  her  hand  across  the  table.  Pee- 
wit, supposing  this  was  a  demonstration  of  amit}*, 
grasped  it  with  his  and  shook  it. 

"  Dollar,"  said  the  woman. 

The  fee  was  paid,  and  the  conjuror  taking  a  dirty  pack 
of  cards  from  her  pocket,  arranged  them  on  the  table  in  a 
circle. 

"  Your  hand,"  said  she. 

Peewit  extended  his  hand,  and  the  lady  passed  her  fin- 
gers rapidly  over  it,  at  the  same  time  scrutinizing  his 
face. 

She  then  raised  her  eyes  to  the  ceiling,  and  for  the 
space  of  a  full  minute  her  attention  appeared  to  be  ab- 
sorbed in  gazing  fixedly  at  a  fiy-speck. 

"  You  have  known  some  happy  days,"  she  said  at  last, 
fixing  her  keen  gray  eyes  on  Peewit,  as  if  she  would  look 
through  him.  "  You  have  known  some  happy  days,  and 
many  that  were  not  so.  You  have  had  trouble  and  been 
in  doubt.  You  are  in  doubt  at  this  moment.  There  are 
many  perplexities  in  business.  People  lose  much  by 
theft." 

•She  looked  hard  at  Peewit,  who  appeared  earnestly  at- 
tentive. 

"  But  the  great  source  of  trouble,"  she  continued,  "  is 
the  human  heart." 

The  gentleman  changed  color. 


THE    PHILOSOPHERS    OF   FOUFOUVILLE.  157 

"  Ha ! "  cried  the  sibyl,  "  I  see  a  lady,  —  a  dark  lady,  — 
whose  destiny  is  mixed  up  with  yours." 

Peewit  looked  uneasy,  and  the  •muscles  of  his  face 
twitched  nervously. 

"  Venus  and  Mars  are  in  conjunction,"  continued  the 
woman  ;  "  but  Mars  is  not  favorable  to  you.  Venus,  how- 
ever, can  overcome  the  malignant  influence  of  the  other 
when  the  Ecliptic  cuts  the  Zenith  at  the  Vernal  Equinox. 
Ha !  Here  is  a  number.     Beware,  beware  of  4-11-44." 

"  Forty-four !  "  exclaimed  Peewit ;  "  why,  that  is  just 
about  her  age." 

"Beware  of  forty-four,  I  tell  you;  it  is  your  unlucky 
number.  The  dark  lady  is  before  me  still.  She  is  not 
young.     She  wears  spectacles." 

".  Now?"  said  Peewit,  with  surprise. 

"  I  am  looking  into  futurity,"  answered  the  clairvoj''- 
ant ;  "  at  present  her  eyesight  is  good.  Her  hair  is  dark. 
She  is  destined  to  have  an  effect  upon  your  existence." 

Peewit  looked  sad. 

"Is  there  not,"  he  asked,  hesitatingly,  "is  there  not 
any  one  who  cares  for  me  ?  " 

The  sorceress  shuffled  the  cards  about,  and,  taking  a 
piece  of  chalk  from  her  pocket,  drew  a  circle  on  the  table 
within  that  formed  by  the  cards,  and  within  the  circle  she 
described  a  number  of  cabalistic  characters.  She  gazed 
upon  these  intently  for  a  few  moments,  and  then  started 
back,  exclaiming,  — 

"Ha  !  behold,  I  see  another,  —  a  younger  lady,  —  very 
different  from  the  other." 

Peewit's  countenance  at  once  brightened  up. 

"She  is  not  a  dark  lady  —  no  —  not  dark — she   has 
light  hair  —  yes,  light  hair  and  blue  eyes." 
14 


158  THE    PHILOSOPHERS    OF    FOUFOUVILLE. 

"  Blue  ?  "  inquired  Peewit. 

"  No,  not  exactly  blue,"  answered  the  seventh  daughter, 
gazing  alternately  at  the  mystic  figures  on  the  table  and 
into  the  face  of  Peewit,  "  in  fact,  on  looking  more  closely, 
I  should  pronounce  them  hazel,  —  no  —  no  —  they  are  not 
hazel,  —  yet  are  they  not  quite  black,  —  no  —  not  black  — 
ah !  now  I  have  it  —  they  must  be — yes,  I  see  more  clearly, 

—  they  are  a  sort  of  gray  —  yes  —  that's  it,  gray." 
"  "Wonderful !  "  said  Peewit. 

"  She  is  younger  than  the  other,"  continued  the  medium, 
"  yes,  much  younger  ;  in  fact,  a  mere  girl." 

Peewit  looked  disappointed,  and  he  muttered  audibly, 

"  It  can't  be  her." 

"  Interrupt  not  the  flow  of  the  magnetic  fluid.  I  am 
looking  into  the  past.  She  was  younger  once  than  she  is 
now.  Yes  —  she  was  a  child,  —  a  happy  child  ;  then  she 
became  a  girl,  —  now  she  is  a  woman,  —  yes,  she  is  a  full- 
grown  woman." 

"  True  !  "  exclaimed  Peewit,  striking  the  table  with  his 
fist.  "  It  is  as  true  as  the  gospel  —  and  is  she,"  he  con- 
tinued with  some  embarrassment,  "is  she  —  thinking  of 
any  one  in  particular  ? " 

The  seeress  again  fumbled  with  the  cards ;  drew  some 
more  necromantic  figures,  and  said,  — 

"  The  planets  are  propitious  ;  Venus  is  in  the  ascend- 
ant. Yes,  —  she  is  thinking  of  some  one  at  this  moment. 
She  thinks  of  him  whenever  she  sees  the  dark  lady.  He 
is  an  undersized  gent, — just  as  large  as  you, —  he  looks  like 
you ;  he  has  on  a  blue  coat  with  brass  buttons,  and  he 
wears  a  white  hat.     His  hair  is  light-colored  and  straight 

—  an  undemonstrative  nose  —  large  ears  —  ha  !  it  is  —  it 
is  }rourself ;  she  is  thinking  of  3Tou  at  this  moment." 


THE    PHILOSOPHERS    OF  FOUFOUVILLE.  159 

"  Miraculous  !  "  exclaimed  Peewit,  "  miraculous  !  And 
will  I  —  that  is  to  say  —  will  she  be  happy  ? " 

"  She  will  have  some  happy  days,  and  some  unhappy 
days.  Your  fate  will  be  mixed  up  with  hers.  More  defi- 
nite information  I  cannot  give  you  until  the  Zodiac  points 
to  the  Pole  star  ;  come  again.    Adieu." 

The  Pythoness,  or  whatever  she  was,  now  rose,  and  with 
a  majestic  motion  of  the  hand  waved  the  awe-struck 
Peewit  out  of  the  room. 

M e  had  been  so  spellbound  while  in  the  presence  of  the 
sorceress  that  he  had  not  been  conscious  of  the  emotions 
caused  by  her  influence,  —  or  his  imagination,  —  and,  on 
descending  the  rickety  staircase,  was  surprised  to  perceive 
that  he  was  in  a  profuse  perspiration  and  trembling  from 
head  to  foot.  It  was  with  a  feeling  of  relief  that  he  found 
himself  once  more  in  the  light  of  day  on  the  open  street. 

Whether  it  was  owing  to  joy  on  account  of  danger  past, 
or  the  gratifying  nature  of  the  information  he  had  received, 
certain  it  is  that  he  walked  away  with  a  light  heart,  and 
proceeded  with  an  elastic  step  towards  the  lower  part  of 
the  city,  where  he  intended  making  his  purchases. 

As  he  was  passing  through  Chatham  Stree,  he  noticed  a 
crowd  in  a  shop,  and  heard  the  words,  "  Going  — going  — 
gone  !"  Curiosity  induced  him  to  enter.  As  he  did  so,  the 
auctioneer,  who  had  a  decidedly  Jewish  cast  of  counte- 
nance, cried,  "How  much, gentlemen,  for  this  magnificent 
ten-jeweled,  patent  lever,  Lepine  gold  watch,  with  this 
heavy  gold  chain,  how  much  am  I  offered  —  how  much?" 
and  as  he  spoke  he  exhibited  the  articles. 

"  That  looks  like  a  fine  timepiece,"  said  a  respectable- 
looking  middle-aged  gentleman,  who  was  standing  by  the 
side  of  Peewit.     "  Will  you  allow  me  to  examine  it?  " 


160  the  philosophers  of  foufouville. 

"  Certainly,  sir,"  said  the  auctioneer,  Landing  down  the 
watch. 

"  I  do  not  like  to  make  costly  purchases,"  said  the  old 
gentleman,  opening  the  watch  and  carefully  examining  the 
works,  "without  having  made  an  inspection  of  the  goods. 
Three  years  ago  I  bought  just  such  a  looking  watch  as 
that  at  this  establishment  for  one  hundred  and  twenty 
dollars,  and  it  proved  to  be  a  most  excellent  time-keeper. 
I  should  like  to  find  a  similar  one  to  present  to  my  wife. 
By  Jove  !  I  believe  this  is  its  duplicate.  It  would  be  clteap 
at  a  hundred  dollars." 

"  How  much,"  cried  the  auctioneer  "  for  this  magnificent 
watch  and  chain?     Who  bids?    Don't  all  speak  at  once." 

Now  we  do  not  care  to  describe  an  operation,  the  details 
of  which  —  or  at  least  of  similar  ones — are  published 
Aveckly  in  the  newspapers,  so  we  will  merely  state  that 
Peewit  was  inveighed  into  exchanging  his  silver  "  turnip  " 
(as  Lovell  called  it),  but  which  was  a  really  serviceable 
timepiece,  for  what  he  supposed  to  be  a  superior  gold 
watch  and  chain,  worth  at  least  one  hundred  and  fifty 
dollars.  Moreover,  he  paid  forty-eight  dollars  to  boot,  so 
that  he  left  the  shop  with  only  one  dollar  in  money  in  his 
pocket  with  which  to  pay  his  way  to  Foufouville.  Of 
course  he  would  not  be  -able  to  make  the  purchases  for 
Mrs.  Strongitharm,  but  he  thought  the  great  bargain  he 
had  made  was  a  much  better  investment.  Still,  as  he 
neared  the  ferry,  he  began  to  have  some  misgivings,  for, 
judging  the  future  by  the  past,  it  was  more  than  probable 
that,  right  or  wrong,  that  terrible  female  would  not  fail  to 
find  fault  with  him. 

Just  as  he  reached  the  wharf,  a  well-dressed  young  man 
suddenly  stooped  down  beside  him,  and,  tapping  him  on 


THE    PHILOSOPHERS    OF    FOUFOUVILLE.  161 

the  shoulder,  told  him  he  had  dropped  his  port-monnaie. 
As  he  spoke  he  held  up  a  half-opened  pocket-book,  which 
he  had  evidently  just  picked  up,  as  it  was  covered  with 
fresh  mud,  and  in  which  Peewit  could  see  large  rolls  of 
bills,  among  which  he  caught  a  glimpse  of  two  or  three  of 
the  denomination  of  fifty  or  one  hundred  dollars. 

"  It  is  not  mine,"  said  Mr.  Peewit. 

"  It  must  be  yours,"  answered  the  stranger.  "  I  saw  it 
fall  out  of  your  pocket ;  just  feel  again." 

Peewit  felt  in  his  pockets,  and  his  eyes  glistened  as  he 
looked  at  the  well-stuffed  port-monnaie,  but  he  repeated 
the  assertion  that  it  was  not  his  property,  although  he 
spoke  hesitatingly  and  as  if  with  an  effort. 

"I  am  going  to  Havana  in  the  Moro  Castle  at  five 
o'clock,  and  it's  half-past  four  now,"  said  the  stranger ; 
"  the  bills  won't  be  of  any  use  to  me  in  Cuba  —  metallic 
currency  there  you  know.  I  am  sorry  I  have  not  time  to 
go  to  a  broker's  and  exchange  them  for  gold.  If  I  could 
get  a  couple  of  hundred  dollars  for  them  I  would  let  them 
go." 

Now  Peewit  in  all  his  life  had  never  done  a  positively 
dishonest  act,  —  it  is  true  he  had  never  been  tempted,  — 
but  the  serpent  had  tendered  him  the  apple  at  last,  and 
there  was  consequently  what  fine  writers  would  call  "  a 
terrible  struggle  "  in  his  breast ;'  but  we  think  this  is  too 
strong  language  to  apply  to  the  species  of  ratiocination 
that  was  going  on  in  his  noddle*  whereby  he  succeeded  in 
convincing  himself  that  black  is  white,  or  at  least  nothing 
more  than  a  shade  of  gray.  The  pocket-book  did  not 
belong  to  him ;  but  neither  did  it  belong  to  its  present 
possessor.  If  the  latter  took  it  to  Cuba  with  him,  the 
rightful  owner  would  certainly  never  see  it  again,  while 
14* 


1G2  the  pniLOSornERS  of  foufouville. 

ifhe  took  it  himself,  he  could  return  it  to  the  unfortunate 
individual  who  had  lost  it,  whenever  the  said  unfortunate 
should  advertise  Lis  loss, —  which  there  was  little  doubt 
of  his  doing,  —  and  offer  a  reward  proportionate  to  the 
magnitude  of  the  amount  indicated  by  those  thick  rolls 
of  bills.  Then  there  was  a  possibility  —  the  thought  of 
which  fairly  made  Peewit  smile  —  that  the  luckless  loser 
might  not  make  his  mishap  publicly  known,  or,  ifhe  did,  it 
might  never  be  brought  to  the  notice  of  the  fortunate 
Peewit  (but  this  latter  idea,  was  a  sort  of  mental  reser- 
vation as  it  were,  —  a  thought  he  tried  hard  not  to  think, 
though  he  could  not  entirely  suppress  it.  But  who  can 
chide  him  ?  Is  man  more  responsible  for  his  thoughts  — 
wrong  though  they  be  —  than  for  physical  defects?  Let 
him  who  is  without  guile  cast  the  first  stone).  Then  the 
vision  of  Mrs.  Strongitharm  loomed  up  before  him.  He 
had  not  felt  entirely  at  ease  at  the  idea  of  appearing  before 
her  without  the  articles  he  had  been  ordered  to  purchase, 
even  though  he  did  show  a  gold  watch  instead  of  a  silver 
one  ;  but  he  knew  that  money,  like  charity,  covers  a  multi- 
tude of  sins,  and  if  he  could  bring  a  hundred-pounder  to 
bear  it  would  effectually  silence  her  batteries.  To  be  sure 
to  take  the  pocket-book  might  seem  somewhat  like  taking 
advantage  of  the  young  man's  difficulty ;  but  such  an 
action  —  as  he  had  often  heard  —  was  nothing  more  than 
the  way  of  the  world  (and,  to  tell  the  whole  truth,  Peewit, 
the  simple  Harmonian,  felt  a  peculiar  sort  of  self-com- 
placent gratification  at  the  idea  of  outwitting  a  cosmopol- 
itan). The  money  did  not  belong  to  the  young  man  ;  he 
was  evidently  not  aware  of  the  large  amount  contained  in 
the  pocket-book,  and  when  he  should  discover  it,  its 
retention  would  doubtless  be  a  burden  on  his  conscience  ; 


THE    PHILOSOPHERS    OF  FOUFOUVILLE.  163 

he  seemed  willing,  nay,  anxious  to  part  with  it,  and  would 
it  not  be  doing  him  a  positive  kindness  to  relieve  him  of 
it?  So  Peewit  thought  and  argued  with  himself,  and 
finally  told  the  young  man,  in  the  most  disinterested  man- 
ner in  the  world,  that  unfortunately  he  did  not  have  two 
hundred  dollars  about  him  just  at  that  moment,  but  that 
he  had  one  dollar  and  a  superb  gold  watch  and  chain 
worth  not  less  than  one  hundred  and  fifty  dollars. 

The  young  man  appeared  to  hesitate  ;  but  just  then  the 
bell  of  a  steamer  was  heard,  and,  saying  it  was  too  bad  he 
had  not  time  to  go  to  a  broker,  he  concluded  to  let  the 
packet  go  for  the  dollar,  the  watch  and  the  chain. 

The  articles  changed  hands  simultaneously ;  but  the 
moment  the  young  man  examined  the  watch,  he  seized 
Peewit — who  was  making  off — by  the  cuff,  saying, — 

"Stop,  — this  won't  do." 

At  that  moment  a  policeman  appeared,  crossing  the 
street,  and  the  stranger  let  go  of  Peewit's  sleeve,  and,  ex- 
claiming, "  D — n  the  luck ! "  hastily  left,  doubtless  from 
the  fear  of  being  too  late  for  the  Moro  Castle. 

Peewit  now' hastened  towards  the  ferry-house  with  a 
countenance  radiant  with  joy  ;  in  fact,  his  mouth  was  wide- 
open  with  a  broad  grin.  It  seemed  to  him  as  if  six  inch- 
es had  been  added  to  his  height.  He  walked  with  a  proud 
step,  cocking  his  hat  over  his  right  eye,  for  his  happiness 
was  complete,  and,  in  the  elation  of  the  moment,  he 
felt  like  hiring  a  special  ferry-boat. to  carry  him  over  to 
Jersey  City. 

Approaching  the  toll-house,  he  opened  wide  the  pocket- 
book,  and  from  a  roll,  consisting  principally  of  ten,  fifty, 
and  one  hundred  dollar  bills,  took  out  a  five,  which  was 
the  lowest  denomination  he  could  find.    On  handing  it 


1G4  the  rniLOsopriEiis  of  foufouville. 

to  the  ferry-master,  the  latter  asked  him  if  he  had  no 
change,  and,  on  his  rcptying  in  the  negative,  carefully  ex- 
amined the  bill,  then,  giving  Peewit  a  sharp,  significant 
glance,  he  winked  to  somebody  in  the  rear.  Instantly  a 
policeman  seized  the  unfortunate  Harmonian  by  the  coat- 
collar,  while  another  grabbed  the  pocket-book  which  he 
still  held  in  his  hand. 

"  Come  along,  j-ou  bloody  counterfeiter,"  said  M.  P.  No. 
1 ;  "  we've  been  a  watching  for  yer  this  long  time." 

It  was  in  vain  that  poor  Peewit  expostulated  and  ex- 
plained and  referred,  for  his  respectability,  to  Dr.  Good- 
enough. 

"  Who's  he  ? "  said  one  of  the  M.  P.'s  ;  "  the  head  of  the 
band,  I  suppose?" 

"  Yes,"  answered  Peewit ;  "  we  look  up  to  him  as  our 
chief." 

"  He  wants  to  turn  State's  evidence,"  said  the  other  po- 
liceman, in  a  low  tone  ;  "  we'll  make  a  good  thing  of  it. 
Where  is  the  fellow's  establishment  ?  " 

"  At  Foufouville,"  replied  the  prisoner. 

No.  1  made  a  note  of  this  information  on  a  slip  of  pa- 
per, and  then,  followed  by  a  hooting,  jeering,  mocking 
crowd  the  two  guardians  of  justice  dragged  the  hapless 
Peewit  to  the  nearest  station-house. 

"  We've  nabbed  one  of  'em  at  last,"  they  said  to  the 
magistrate  as  they  entered.  "  Here's  one  of  the  most 
desperate  and  owdacious  of  the  hull  posse  of  them  are 
counterfeiters.  Why,  he  tried  to  shove  the  queer  right 
under  our  very  eyes." 

"Counterfeiter!"  said  the  justice;  "why,  he  looks 
more  like  a  sneak  thief.     Where  is  the  evidence  ?  " 

"Here,  sir,"  said  policeman  No.  2,  handing  up  the 


THE    PHILOSOPHERS    OF    FOUFOUVILLE. 


165 


pocket-book,  "  and  here  is  the  very  identical  bill  he  give 
the  ferry-master." 

The  justice,  a  stern,  dignified-looking  man,  with  an  air 
of  imperturbable  gravity,  glanced  severely  at  the  trem- 
bling culprit,  and,  putting  on  his  spectacles,  proceeded  to 
examine  the  bill.  Soon  the  muscles  of  his  face  relaxed, 
and  a  sort  of  grim  smile  passed  over  his  countenance. 

"  I  do  not  think  this  is  a  very  dangerons  counterfeit," 
said  he  ;  "in  fact,  I  doubt  if  it  is  a  counterfeit  at  all  in  the 
eye  of  the  law." 

The  two  policeman  looked  exceedingly  disappointed. 
He  then  held  up  the  bill  of  which  this  is  a/ac  simile, — 


^^•'-^•••^ 


On  domaud,  will  pay  to  Bearer 


S^     Five  Kisses, 

*£•§  Paphos. 

*  55 
■a  c  o, 

|  g  Cupid, 

S  Cash'r. 


April  1st. 

Hymen, 

Pres't. 


"  I  guess  it's  only  a  joke,"  said  the  judge. 

"  No,  indeed ; "  answered  the  unfortunate  Peewit,  "  it's 
anything  but  a  joke." 

"  In  truth  it's  no  joke  at  all,"  said  policeman  No.  2, 
"  for  the  villain  offered  to  turn  State's  evidence,  and  I  took 
down  from  his  own  lips  the  name  of  the  chief  conspirator, 


1G6  tjie  rniLOsornERS  of  foufouville. 

one  Goodenough,  which  I  strongly  suspicion  is  nothing 
but  an  alias  of  that  slippery  scoundrel,  One-eyed  Juke. 
Their  operations  are  carried  on  secretly  by  night  at  Fou- 
fouville." 

"  Here  is  truly  some  genuine  bogus,"  said  the  judge, 
opening  a  roll  of  bills  from  the  pocket-book  ;  "  the  case 
begins  to  assume  a  more  promising  aspect.  Lock  him  up 
for  the  present  in  cell  No.  6,  while  we  concert  measures  for 
the  arrest  of  the  whole  gang." 

So  the  wretched  Peewit,  in  spite  of  his  entreaties  and 
protestations,  was  incarcerated  in  cell  No.  G.  This  mis- 
erable den  was  five  feet  by  four  in  size,  and  was  furnished 
with  what  had  once  been  a  three-legged  stool,  but  of 
which  two  legs  had  been  broken  off. 

The  prisoner  propped  the  stool  up  in  a  corner,  aud, 
seating  himself  on  it  very  carefully,  lest  it  should  slip 
from  under  him,  mused  upon  the  mutability  of  human 
affairs. 

In  about  half  an  hour  a  seedy-looking  individual  ap- 
peared at  the  grating  and  offered,  for  a  consideration,  to 
convey  any  message  he  might  wish  to  send  to  his  friends. 
Peewit,  having  no  other  paper  "about  him  excepting  his 
collar,  took  it  off  and  wrote  on  it  a  few  harrowing  lines 
to  Prof.  Malpest  descriptive  of  his  forlorn  situation. 
The  professor,  he  told  the  seedy  one,  would  remunerate 
lrini  for  his  trouble. 

In  about  an  hour  —  which  seemed  an  age  to  the  captive 
—  the  jailer  unlocked  the  grating,  and  beckoned  to  him  to 
come  out.  For  a  moment  hope  rose  before  him,  but,  like 
the  ghost  at  the  museum,  the  illusion  was  quickly  dis- 
pelled, for,  the  moment  he  emerged  from  the  cell,  he  was 
unceremoniously  handcuffed,  led  into  the  yard,  and,  in  si- 


THE    PHILOSOPHERS    OF    FOUFOVVILLE.  167 

lenco  and  darkness,  — for  night  had  fallen  and  no  word 
was  spoken,  —  shoved  into  a  sombre,  rectangular  vehicle 
that  stood  before  the  door.  As  the  prison  van  had  no 
opening  whatever  for  the  admission  of  light,  it  appeared 
to  the  excited  imagination  of  Peewit  like  a  hearse,  and 
as  it  was  driven  rapidly  over  the  stones,  a  sort  of  vague 
apprehension  seized  upon  him  that  he  was  being  hurried 
to  execution.  He  quaked  with  fear ;  but  his  alarm  was 
groundless,  for  he  was  merely  deposited  in  the  prisoners' 
reception  room,  —  commonly  called  the  receiving  vault, 
—  at  the  Tombs.  This  was  an  indescribably  filthy  hole, 
and  was  doubtless  kept  in  that  condition  with  the  humane 
motive  of  causing  the  inmate  a  feeling  of  positive  relief 
when  he  was  removed  to  a  cell.  The  one  in  which  our 
unlucky  Harmonian  was  finally  shut  up  was  furnished 
with  a  stool,  a  bench,  and  a  pitcher  of  water.  Here 
he  passed  o,  sleepless  night ;  but  this  was  not  altogether 
on  account  of  the  hardness  of  his  bed,  that  is  to 
say,  the  bench.  It  was  his  mental  rather  than  his  phys- 
ical troubles  that  kept  him  awake,  and  surely  these 
were  enough  to  cause  him  disquietude.  He  had  lost  his 
watch  and  his  money,  and  rendered  himself  amenable  to 
justice.  It  is  true  he  was  not  aware  of  exactly  what 
high  crime  and  misdemeanor  he  had  been  guilty  ;  but  this 
incertitude  aggravated  his  uneasiness,  especially  since  it 
was  clear  he  had  committed,  or  at  least  was  suspected  of 
having  committed,  some  heinous  offence,  and  should  he  be 
proven  innocent,  —  which  he  hardly  dared  to  hope,  —  it 
would  be  like  jumping  from  the  frying-pan  into  the  fire, 
for  he  would  escape  the  clutches  of  the  law  only  to  fall 
into  those  of  Mrs.  Strongitharm. 
In  the  morning  a  slice  of  brown  bread,  with  a  bowl  con- 


1C8  THE    PniLOSOPnEHS    OF   fovfouville. 

tabling  a  liquid  that  looked  like  swill,  was  given  to  him 
for  breakfast ;  but  he  could  not  eat.  His  heart  was  full, 
and  his  stomach  seemed  to  sympathize  with  it.  Broiled 
partridges  would  not  have  tempted  his  appetite.  Hour 
after  hour  passed  wearily  away,  the  captive  sitting  mood- 
ily on  his  bench,  brooding  over  his  unhappy  situation. 
About  mid-day  an  old  gentleman,  with  a-  benevolent 
face  and  a  white  cravat,  looked  in  at  him  through  the 
gratings  with  a  pitying  expression  of  countenance,  and, 
handing  him  a  pamphlet,  walked  away.  The  heartsick 
prisoner  opened  the  pamphlet,  hoping  to  find  something 
that  Avould  distract  his  thoughts  from  the  sorrows  of  his 
position.  What  was  his  disgust  when  he  found  that  the 
document  was  a  sermon  on  the  sin  of  theft !  It  began 
with  the  poetical  assertion  that 

"  It  is  a  sin  to  steal  a  pin,  — 
Much  moro  to  steal  a  greater  thing," 

and  demonstrated  that   thieving  Jeads  on   to  crimes  of 
greater  magnitude,  which  finally  bring  the  wretch  to  the 
scaffold.     A  fearful  picture  was  drawn  of  the  last  night. 
of  the  sinner  on  earth,  and  there  was  a  coarse  wood-cut 
representing  the  condemned  dangling  from  the  gallows. 

Peewit,  who  had  become  morbid  from  his  solitary  con- 
finement, was  worked  up  to  desperation  by  this  last 
humiliation,  and,  hardly  knowing  what  he  was  about,  he 
sprang  to  the  grating  and  yelled  with  rage  after  his  rev- 
erend would-be  benefactor. 

"  Where's  the  insinuatin'  caluminator  ?  "  he  cried  as  loud 
as  he  could  bellow.  "  I  don't  want  his  libellous  trash. 
I'm  an  honest  man.     Come  back,  —  come  back,  you  vile, 


THE    PHILOSOPHERS    OF    FOUFOUVILLE.  169 

unmitigated  slanderer,*  you  lying  serpent,  you  personal 
reflector ! " 

The  good  minister,  supposing  the  prisoner  had  lost  his 
wits,  almost  brqke  his  neck  in  hurrying  down  the  steep 
iron  stairway  in  order  to  make  his  escape  before  the 
maniac  should  break  loose  and  pounce  upon  him. 

Peewit  continued  his  outcries,  but  in  the  midst  of  them 
two  wardens  rushed  up,  and,  throwing  open  the  iron  door, 
soused  him  from  head  to  foot  with  a  bucketful  of  cold 
water. 

"  We'll  teach  yer  to  be  obstreperous,"  said  one  of 
them. 

"  You'd  better  be  quiet,"  said  the  other,  "  for  if  yer 
don't  we'll  jes'  turn  the  whole  Croton  reservoir  on  yer,  we 
will." 

Poor  Peewit  was  completely  cowed  by  the  showe^bath, 
and,  throwing  himself  down  on  the  bench,  he  covered  his 
face  with  his  hands  and  groaned  in  spirit. 

Professor  Malpest  made  his  appearance  not  long  after- 
wards, accompanied  by  an  advocate  of  the  firm  of  Sharpe 
&  Kean,  Attorneys  and  Counsellors  at  Law. 

"  Why,  Peewit,  my  boy,"  said  he,  "  you  seem  to  be  in  a 
sorrjr  plight.     What's  the  matter  ? " 

The  crestfallen  and  thoroughly  humbled  Peewit,  who 
looked  like  a  drowned  rat,  moaned  in  anguish,  for  the 
tone  of  persiflage  in  which  the  professor  addressed  him 
seemed  like  a  mockery  of  his  misery. 

He  told  his  sorrowful  tale,  and  concluded  by  express- 
ing the  conviction  that  he  would  be  unable  to  survive  an 
imprisonment  of  more  than  a  year,  and  begging  to  know 
if  some  one  would  not  intercede  with  the  governor  to 
15 


170  THE    PHILOSOPHERS    OF    FOUFOUV1LLE. 

procure  Lis  pardon  ;  at  which  both  the  unsympathizing 
professor  and  the  lawyer  burst  out  laughing. 

"  You  are  in  a  very  tight  place,"  said  the  professor,  as- 
suming a  serious  air.  "  I  am  glad  I  don't  stand  in  your 
shoes,  for  you  will  he  lucky  if  you  escape  the  knot.  Noth- 
ing can  he  more  dangerous  than  to  tamper  with  the  hank 
of  True  Love.  "When  the  president  of  that  institution 
once  catches  a  man  he  does  not  easily  let  go  his  grip. 
He  is  an  inexorable  jailer,  and  the  cashier  has  been  so 
often  imposed  upon  by  counterfeiters  (after  gold  you 
know),  that  he  is  always  on  the  watch  for  victims.  His 
favorite  mode  of  execution  is  by  shooting  the  unfortu- 
nates through  the  heart.  They  often  suffer  untold  an- 
guish." 

This  fearful  picture  of  his  possible  fate  so  affected  Pee- 
wit, that,  partly  from  alarm  for  the  future,  and  partly  from 
present  cold  caused  by  his  drenched  clothing,  he  quivered 
and  quaked  from  head  to  foot. 

The  lawyer  had  more  compassion  than  the  professor, 
for,  taking  him  by  the  hand  he  led  him  out  of  the  cell  and 
told  him  in  a  kindly  tone  to  be  of  good  cheer,  for  his  case 
was  not  yet  quite  desperate. 

Eventually  the  unfortunate  gentleman  was  taken  before 
a  magistrate,  and,  it  being  clearly  proved  that  he  was  the 
victim  of  misplaced  confidence,  the  charge  against  him 
was  dismissed,  and  he  returned  to  Foufouville  the  same 
da}-,  a  sadder  and  a  wiser  man. 

We  will  spare  the  reader  an  account  of  his  meeting 
with  Mrs.  Strongitharm. 

The  doctor,  as  may  be  supposed,  could  not  forego  so 
favorable  an  opportunit}'  of  giving  his  flock  a  discourse 
on  the  advantages  of  remaining  secluded  in  the  true  fold 


THE    PHILOSOPHEBS    OF   FOUFOUVILLE.  171 

at  Harmony  Hall,  instead  of  exposing  their  innocence  to 
the  manifold  perils  and  dangers  of  the  outside  world. 

The  disasters  that  had  happened  to  brother  Joseph  he 
hoped  would  be  a  lesson  to  the  whole  community. 

It  may  be  proper  to  mention,  that  Peewit  said  nothing 
about  his  interview  with  the  female  astrologer. 


172  the  rniLOSornEns  of  foufoufille. 


CHAPTER  VIII. 

Tlie  Doctor  invests  in  the  Fine  Arts. 

We  remember  once  in  our  boyhood,  seeing  a  juggling 
clown  at  a  circus  toss  three  or  four  balls  up  in  the  air  one 
after  the  other,  anil  repeating  the  operation  quickly  with 
each  one  in  succession  as  it  came  down,  keep  them  all 
going  at  the  same  time  for  several  minutes.  All  at  once 
he  stopped  his  performance,  and  stood  holding  out  one 
hand  and  looking  up  into  the  air,  as  if  one  of  the  balls, 
which  had  gone  up,  had  failed  to  come  down.  We  can 
never  forget  our  amazement  when  we  first  saw  the  trick, 
nor  the  impression,  which  remained  on  our  mind  for  an 
indefinite  period  of  time,  that  that  ball  was  still  pursuing 
its  upward  flight  towards  the  zenith,  perhaps  never  again 
to  be  seen  by  mortal  eyes. 

Now  we  cannot  entirely  free  ourself  from  a  sort  of  ill- 
defined  apprehension  that  in  the  management  of  this 
narrative  the  reader  may  suspect  us  of  imposing  upon 
him  a  kind  of  literary  sleight-of-hand.  In  the  beginning 
we  exhibited  our  balls  —  that  is  to  say,  our  characters  — 
to  the  public  ;  in  the  third  chapter  we  set  them  in  motion 
and  got  them  all  in  a  beautiful  whirl ;  we  kept  them 
pretty  well  in  sight  for  ten  or  twenty  pages  or  more  ;  but 
in  the  fifth  chapter  we  showed  decided  symptoms  of  break- 
ing down ;  and,  by  the  end  of  the  sixth,  one  of  them  at 
least,  Charity,  had  been  entirely  lost  sight  of. 

Lcander  we  left  sittinsr  on  a  stone  in  the  middle  of  the 


THE    PHILOSOPHERS    OF    FOUFOUVILLE.  173 

melon-patch,  and  we  believe  that  Charity  vanished  from 
view  going  into  her  room  several  chapters  back ;  but  it 
was  so  long  since  that  we  really  are  not  certain  about  it. 
Now  this  apparent  neglect  of  a  young  lady  and  gentle- 
man whom  many  will  doubtless  regard  as  the  hero  and 
heroine  of  our  book,  may  perhaps  be  considered  by  some 
as  a  defect,  in  a  literary  point  of  view,  and  were  we  writ- 
ing a  mere  work  of  fiction,  we  should  endeavor  to  keep  the 
most  interesting  characters  —  that  is  to  say,  those  who 
love  each  other  the  most —  prominently  before  the  reader  ; 
but  inasmuch  as  we  have  not  undertaken  our  task  in 
order  to  afford  amusement  to  a  few  lackadaisical  young 
women,  but  for  the  purpose  of  laying  before  the  world  an 
impartial  statement  of  facts,  we  shall  continue  as  we  have 
begun,  and  shall  jot  down  those  incidents  that  we  judge 
worthy  of  being  recorded  for  the  benefit  of  posterity,  in 
chronological  order,  and  just  as  they  actually  occurred, 
without  making  the  slightest  effort  to  diminish  the  truth, 
or  to  enhance  its  interest  and  effect  by  postponing  the 
marrying  and  killing  until  the  last  page. 

The  records  of  what  took  place  at  the  phalanstery  dur- 
ing the  convention  week,  when  more  than  one-half 
the  Harmonians  were  absent,  are,  we  regret  to  say,  quite 
meagre ';  but  inasmuch  as  Mr.  Lovell  and  Charity  were 
left  almost  alone  in  the  house,  we  presume  that  time  must 
have  hung  heavily  on  their  hands.  "We  also  infer  (and 
there  are  corroborating  circumstances  to  support  our  in- 
ference) that  it  was  about  this  time  that  the  doctor,  visit- 
ing the  city  on  business  connected  with  his  enterprise, 
happened  to  pass  by  the  auction  rooms  of  Messrs. 
Tuanhaff  &  Bangs,  during  a  sale  of  some  valuable  orig- 
inal old  paintings  imported  by  Moses  Levy  &  Co.,  the 
15* 


174  THE    PHILOSOPHERS    OF    FOUFOUVILLE. 

well-known  German  house.  The  doctor  now  recollected 
that  Charity  had  complained  of  the  gloomy  appearance 
of  the  dark,  bare  walls  in  the  large  rooms  at  Harmony 
Hall,  and  the  thought  occurred  to  him  that  some  of  the 
fine  pictures  he  saw  put  up  for  sale  —  such  as  "  The  Grill- 
ing of  St.  Lawrence,"  "  The  Stoning  of  St.  Stephen,"  "  The 
Martyrdom  of  the  Eleven  Thousand  Virgins,"  and  others  — 
would  give  a  different  aspect  to  the  blank  spaces.  So  he 
entered  the  room  and  ranged  himself  among  the  bidders. 

.  .  .  .  The  doctor's  purchases  arrived  at  Harmony 
Hall  on  the  very  day  when  the  members  of  the  society 
who  had  attended  the  Convention  had  all  returned  from 
the  city.  The  old  gentleman's  glowing  account  of  his 
prizes  excited  the  curiosity  of  all,  and  consequently  the 
whole  community  was  present  when  the  huge  cases  were 
opened  by  John  Long.  The  doctor  stood  by,  catalogue 
in  hand.  "  Ha !  "  he  exclaimed,  as  the  front  of  a  case  was 
removed.  "Look at  that.  There  you  behold  something 
that  it  is  a  pleasure  to  gaze  upon.  Listen  to  the  de- 
scription. 

"  '  116.  Cain  Slaying  Abel,  —  64  by  87.  Anacronismo 
Florentini.  15th  Century.  A  glorious  masterpiece. 
Abel  has  just  been  felled  like  an  ox,  and  his  blood  and 
brains  are  gushing  out.  Cain  stands  a-straddle  of  the 
body,  horror-struck.  His  eye  is  glaring  wildly,  the  con- 
sciousness of  his  awful  crime  having  just  burst  upon  him. 
In  his  trembling  hand  he  still  grasps  the  club  covered 
with  the  clotted  blood  and  hair  of  his  victim.  On  his 
brow  is  a  great  black  mark. 

"  '  This  touching  picture  is  full  of  that  delicacy  of  con- 
ception and  treatment  so  characteristic  of  this  master.' " 


THE    PHILOSOPHERS    OF   FOUFOUVILLE.  lib 

"  Papa,"  said  Charity,  turning  away  her  head,  "  this  is 
a  horrible  thing.     I  can't  bear  to  look  at  it." 

"You  lack  appreciation,  my  dear,"  answered  the  doc- 
tor. "  For  the  enjoyment  of  such  works  you  must  be 
educated  up  to  it.  What  can  be  finer  than  that  execu- 
tion?" 

"  The  better  the  execution,  the  worse  the  picture  would 
appear  to  me,"  said  Charity.  "  How  can  a  picture  be 
attractive  when  the  subject  is  repulsive?  " 

"  Your  very  disgust,"  said  the  doctor,  "  is  a  proof  of 
the  artist's  skill.  It  was  his  object  to  excite  powerful  (\ ' 
emotions  in  the  breast  of  the  spectator,  and  he  has  done 
it.  But  you  women  have  no  judgement  or  appreciation. 
Your  sainted  mother  was  just  like  you.  Notice  the  fore- 
shortening of  that  club,  and  notice  how  the  face  of  Cain 
is  shown  only  in  profile  as  if  he  were  ashamed  to  look  at 
his  fellow-man.  And  then  the  accessories.  Consider  the 
depth  of  imagination  displayed  by  them.  In  the  distance 
you  see  an  arch  of  triumph,  typical  of  the  triumph  of 
virtue  over  vice,  and  it  is  copied  from  the  arch  of  Con- 
stantine,  which  proves  the  artist's  historical  knowledge, 
for  Constantine  was  the  first  Christian  emperor.  On  the 
right  hand  you  have  the  ruins  of  a  Doric  temple  and  a 
Turkish  mosque,  which  are  symbolical  of  the  ruin  of 
false  religions,  and  on  the  left  hand  is  a  flourishing  tree,  — 
I  cannot  exactly  make  out  of  what  kind,  —  which  is  in- 
tended to  signify  that  the  true  faith  shall  never  wither." 

"  It  is  a  wonderful  work,  a  wonderful  work,"  said  Pro- 
fessor Malpest  standing  off  about  twenty  feet,  and  look- 
ing through  his  glass  with  one  eye,  while  he  closed  the 
other  with  what  appeared  very  much  like  a  wink  of  de- 
rision. 


176  THE    PHJL08QPMMB8    OF  FOVFOWILLB. 

"What  is  that  they  are  cooking?"  inquired  Mr.  Pee- 
wit. 

"  Sir,"  answered  Mrs.  Strongitharm,  "  if  you  cannot 
speak  without  displaying  your  ignorance,  you  had  better 
remain  silent." 

"  I  once  saw  an  engraving  of  the  same  subject,  from  a 
design  by  a  French  artist,"  said  Lovell,  "  in  which  the 
body  of  Abel  was  partly  concealed  by  the  altar,  the  painter 
having  evidently  concentrated  his  efforts  on  the  expres- 
sion given  to  the  face  of  Cain.  In  my  humble  opinion 
it  was  a  better  composition  than  this,  for  it  did  not  create 
any  unpleasant  feelings." 

"  That  proves  the  inferiority  of  the  Frenchman,"  an- 
swered the  doctor.  "  Here  the  strongest  emotions 
of  the  human  breast  are  provoked,  —  horror,  aversion, 
dread." 

"  I  thought  love  was  the  strongest,"  murmured  Miss 
Griffin ;  but  she  spoke  in  so  low  a  tone  that  her  remark 
was  not  overheard. 

Long  now  opened  another  case. 

"  Here  we  have  a  gem,"  said  the  doctor. 

"'214.  Landscape  with  Cattle, — 48  by  5G.  Sebastian 
del  Negrotinto  —  Spanish  school. 

"  '  A  lovely  picture  of  Arcadian  life.' 

""What  say  j^ou  to  that  my  friends?  those  trees,  and 
rocks,  and  mountains,  and  water  are  thrown  together  in 
the  most  miscellaneous  manner.  Did  you  ever  see  any- 
thing like  it  in  this  country  ?  " 

"  Never,"  answered  Professor  Malpest.     "  Never." 

"  Were  the  skies  green,  and  the  leaves  of  the  trees 
black  in  Sebastian's  time  ?  "  inquired  Mr.  Peewit. 

"  Ignorant  man ! "  replied  the  doctor,  "  don't  you  know 


THE    PHILOSOPHERS    OF    FOUFOUVILLE.  Ill 

that  this  is  the  peculiar  style  of  the  Spanish  school  ?  Artists 
in  those  days  did  not  content  themselves  with  a  servile 
copy  of  nature,  —  they  drew  upon  their  imagination." 

Professor  Malpest  hinted  that  doubtless  the  colors  had 
become  darkened  from  the  effects  of  time,  the  chemistry 
of  pigments  not  having  been  well  understood  in  former 
years. 

"  There  is,  perhaps,  a  slight  change  due  to  that  cause," 
answered  the  doctor  ;  "  but  the  colors  of  the  foreground 
were  made  dark  originally  in  order  to  give  distance  to 
the  background." 

"  But  the  background  is  dark,  too,"  said  Peewit. 

"  That,"  replied  the  doctor,  "  is  for  the  purpose  of  pre- 
serving the  same  tone  throughout  the  picture.  Would 
you  have  your  breeches  black  in  front  and  blue  behind  ? 
It  is  astonishing  how  little  knowledge  of  art  there  is  in 
this  country.  Our  Churches,  Bierstadts,  Kensetts,  Giff- 
ords,  Durands,  and  Gineux  don't  paint  like  that." 

"  I  acknowledge  they  do  not,  sir,"  said  Mr.  Lovell. 

"  A  picture  that  truly  resembled  nature  would  please 
me  more  than  this  one,"  said  Charity.  "  Not  that  I 
would  have  an  artist  copy  every  stick  and  stone  and  blade 
of  grass,  but  I  would  have  the  general  effect  as  it  is  in 
reality." 

"  That  is  because  you  are  wanting  in  the  ideal,"  replied 
her  father ;  "  but  you  can't  help  it.  She  was  so  before 
you.  I  have  occasionally  glanced  at  the  landscapes  in 
our  modern  exhibitions,  but,  pooh !  what  are  they  ?  Look 
at  those  cows.  Did  you  ever  see  such  cows?  I  never 
did.     And  then,  the  trees  !  " 

"What  kind  are  they,  sir?  "  asked  Peewit. 

"  Of  no   particular  kind,  sir,"  answered   the   doctor. 


178  TIIE    PHILOSOPHERS    OF    FOUFOVVJLLE. 

"A  painter  is  not  a  botanist.  With  these  great  men, 
trees  were  simply  conventional  vegetation." 

"  Here  is  a  pooty  pictur',"  said  John  Long.  "  It 
reminds  me  like  of  me  owl  moother  in  Llannwyddrygg, 
over  agin  Ben  Caernclwyd." 

"  It's  a  gem  !  "  cried  the  doctor,  "  a  gem  ! 

"  '  71.  —Interior  14  by  19,  Paul  Daub.    Dutch  School. 

"  '  An  exquisitely  finished  scene  of  domestic  life.  An 
old  woman  knitting  ;  every  thread  of  the  ball  of  3rarn  is 
distinct ;  a  cat  is  at  her  feet,  —  admire  the  hairs  in  the 
tail;  overhead,  a  parrot  eating  a  peanut,  —  the  latter 
should  be  examined  through  a  magnifying  glass.  Shelves, 
cups,  saucers,  and  pewter  spoons  fill  up  the  rest  of  this 
charming  work  of  art.' 

"  There,  my  fine  critics,  there  is  reality  for  you  !  What 
can  equal  that  for  truth  ?  " 

"A  photograph,"  answered  Lovell. 

"  Pshaw  !  Mere  mechanical  work,"  replied  the  doctor. 
"  What  sentiment,  what  feeling  is  there  in  a  photograph? 
Here  you  can  figure  to  yourself  the  patient  and  laborious 
artist,  working  early  and  late  for  months  over  the  creation 
of  his  genius.  Why,  there  is  a  day's  work  on  that  peanut. 
Think  of  the  lime,  think  of  the  time  necessary  for  such 
minute  finish." 

'<  I  think  it  could  have  been  better  employed,  sir," 
answered  Lovell. 

"Perhaps,  then,  you  prefer  the  'grand'  style,"  replied 
the  doctor.  '<  Well,  here  you  have  it.  The  very  perfec- 
tion of  high  art. 

'"  G8.— Prometheus.  114  by  156.  Taddeo  Macca- 
roni.     School  of  Naples. 


THE    PHILOSOPHERS    OF   FOUFOUVILLE.  179 

"  '  A  grand  conception.  All  is  dark,  gloomy,  and  sub- 
lime.    The  only  specimen  of  this  master  in  the  country.' 

"  There  is  inspiration,  there  is  force,  there  is  power. 
.  Consider  the  chiaro-oscuro." 

Mr.  Peewit  said  he  could  see  the  oscuro,  but  could  not 
make  out  the  chiaro.     He  supposed  it  was  a  night  scene. 

"  No,  sir.     It  is  broad  day,"  said  the  doctor. 

"Then  it  must  be  a  very  cloudy  day,"  answered  Mr. 
Peewit,  "for  I  can't  see  anything  but  a  colored  man  on 
his  back,  and  a  bird  pecking  at  him.  Everything  is 
black." 

"  Mark  the  skilful  management  of  the  lights,"  said  the 
doctor.     "  How  the  muscles  are  brought  out ! " 

"  And  the  innerds,  too,"  answered  Peewit ;  "  the  bird  is 
a-devourin'  of  'em.     Ugh !     It  makes  me  sick." 

"  That  picture  is  a  poem,  an  epic  poem,"  said  the 
doctor. 

"  What  kind  of  a  poem  is  that?  "  inquired  Mr.  Peewit. 

"  If  you  want  to  know,"  replied  Mr.  Lovell,  "you  must 
read  Swift's  directions  for  making  one." 

"  Now,"  said  the  doctor,  "  we  come  to  the  greatest 
bargain  of  all,  a  '  Virgin  and  Child,'  by  Eaphael.  That 
painting  cost  me  sevent3'-five  dollars,  sir,  seventy-five 
dollars  (including  frame),  and  warranted  original  by 
Tuanhaff  himself.  There  is  a  copy  in  the  Pitti  palace  at 
Florence.     What  do  you  think  of  that  ?  " 

"  No  one  can  say  anything  against  Raphael,"  answered 
Lovell. 

"  The  design  is  certainly  charming,"  said  Miss  Griffin. 

"  I  can  see  nothing  to  admire  in  it,"  said  Mrs.  Strong- 
itharm. 


180  tiie  rniLosornERS  of  foufouville. 

"  The  child,"  said  Charity,  "  is  beautiful." 

"It's  the  lady  who  takes  my  eye,"  observed  Peewit. 
"  She  is  perfectly  angelic.  You  can  see  it  was  painted 
from  the  life.  No  man  could  imagine  such  a  face.  It  is 
clearly  an  original  portrait." 

"  Of  an  Italian  contarini,"  remarked  Professor  Malpest. 
"  The  composition  (being  similar  to  that  of  the  picture  in 
the  Pitti  palace)  is  really  most  beautiful,  and  the  flow  of 
the  lines  is  perfect." 

"  I  knew  I  had  got  a  cheap  thing  when  I  bought  it," 
said  the  doctor ;  "  and  here  we  have  a  companion  piece, 
'  The  Immaculate  Conception,'  by  Domcnichino.  There 
is  a  perfect  facsimile  of  it  (as  to  the  design)  in  the 
Louvre.  It  is  uncertain  which  of  the  two  is  the  original, 
but  I  think  there  can  be  no  doubt  on  the  subject,  for  you 
see  the  master's  name  there  in  one  corner  in  large 
letters." 

"  Domcnichino,"  said  Professor  Malpest,  "  is  universal- 
ly acknowledged  to  have  been  one  of  the  greatest  painters 
that  ever  lived." 

"  I  don't  clearly  comprehend  the  subject  of  this  picture," 
said  Peewit. 

"  Of  course  not,"  replied  the  doctor.  "  It  is  entirely 
beyond  your  depth  ;  but,  behold  what  is  coming  ! 

"  '  82.  —  Head,  supposed  to  be  a  portrait  of  Cardinal 
Bembo.     Michael  Angelo. 

" '  This  remarkable  chef  cVceuvre,  unquestionably  the 
finest  specimen  of  this  great  master  in  America,  was  dis- 
covered while  clearing  out  the  rubbish  from  the  garret 
of  a  pawnbroker's  shop,  over  the  Cloaca  Maxima,  Rome. 
It  is  so  very  much  injured l)y  the  ravages  of  time,  that  it 
is  difficult  to  make  out  whether  it  is  intended  for  a  male 


THE    PBILOSOPHEES    OF  FOUFOUVILLE.  181 

or  a  female  head  ;  but  this  only  adds  to  its  value  in  the 
eyes  of  the  connoisseur.  Its  authenticity  is  beyond  dis- 
pute, the  well-known  monogram,  Vy^B  ^em»  plainly 
visible  in  the  left-hand  corner." 

"Mark  the  fire  of  that  eye,"  continued  the  doctor, 
"  (what  a  pity  the  other  is  so  indistinct !)  — and  observe 
the  force  of  the  lines  about  the  mouth,  what  power  is  dis- 
played in  them  !  The  touch  of  the  master  is  displayed  in 
every  line.  Our  Elliots,  and  Inmans,  and  Bakers  don't 
exhibit  such  heads  as  that." 

"  They  are  quite  incapable  of  it,"  said  Professor  Mal- 
pest. 

"  I  can  see  little  or  nothing  that  is  attractive  in  a 
faded,  cracked,  and  dust-covered  picture,"  said  Charity ; 
"  for  no  matter  how  good  it  may  have  been  when  first 
painted,  its  beauties  have  become  marred,  if  not  quite 
obliterated.  A  real  face  is  not  considered  as  being  im- 
proved by  cracks  or  wrinkles  and  loss  of  color ;  and  I 
cannot  understand  why  a  painted  one  should  be." 

"  That,"  answered  her  father,  "  is  because  you  are  too 
realistic.  The  connoisseur,  in  his  mind's  eye,  sees  the 
cracks  filled  up  ;  the  color  restored  ;  the  work,  in  short,  as 
it  came  fresh  from  the  easel  of  the  master." 

"  It's  a  pity,"  said  Mr.  Peewit,  "  that  we  can't  do  that 
with  the  real  thing  ;  for  then  a  man  could  always  see  his 
wife  as  she  looked  when  he  was  courting  her ;  and  if  he 
had  a  particularly  vivid  imagination,  he  might  even  fancy 
she  was  somebody  else." 

"  Beauty,  in  the  living  subject,  is  only  skin-deep,"  said 
Professor  Malpest,  "  and  time  effaces  it ;  but  in  art,  the 
ruins  sometimes  excite  more  admiration  (or,  at  all  events, 
16 


182  THE    PHILOSOPHERS    OF   F0UF0UF1LLE. 

more  commendation)  than  would  have  been  given  to  the 
uninjured  work." 

"  Art,  then,  in  this  respect  is  superior  to  Nature,"  said 
Charity. 

"Yes,"  said  Lovell ;  "if  wc  are  to  give  credence  to 
men's  imagination  or  vanity." 

"  I  understand  how  the  former  can  deceive,"  said  Char- 
ity;  "  but  I  fail  to  perceive  what  vanity  has  to  do  with 
it." 

"  A  cracked  and  defaced  picture,  or  a  battered  and 
broken  torso  is  found,"  answered  Lovell,  "  and  artists  go 
into  raptures  over  it.  They  think,  by  professing  un- 
bounded admiration  for  a  mere  remnant,  to  astonish  the 
million  by  their  profound  knowledge  of  Art.  I  suppose 
that  head,  sir,  was  valued  at  a  high  price  ?  " 

"  Thirty-three  dollars,  I  paid  for  it,"  answered  the  doc- 
tor, "  thirtj'-three  dollars  ;  and  it  was  considered  cheap  at 
that." 

"  I  think  it  was  very  dear,"  said  Peewit,  "  a  daguerreo- 
type of  Beinbo  would  have  been  more  satisfactory,  for  it 
would  have  shown  us  how  the  fellow  looked." 

"  There  is  a  charming  head  of  Cupid  in  the  windows  of 
Kullers  &  Printz,  that  I  would  much  rather  have  than  this 
hideous  old  Cy clops,"  said  Miss  Griffin. 

"  I  could  understand  your  preference,"  said  Mrs. 
Strongitharm,  "  if  the  parties  were  in  the  flesh ;  but  re- 
member tbey  are  works  of  Art,  not  of  Nature." 

"  That  which  is  the  most  beautiful  in  Nature  must  ap- 
pear the  most  beautiful  in  the  representation  of  it," 
answered  Miss  Griffin;  "thus  a  portrait  of  yourself, 
madam,  would  hardly  be  as  attractive  as  that  of  a  good- 


THE    PHILOSOPHERS    OF   FOVFOVVILLE.  183 

looking  woman  ;  in  fact,  the  more  it  was  like,  the  less  it 
would  be  admired." 

A  withering  glance  was  the  response  of  Mrs.  btrong- 

itharm.  ,  . 

»  Here  is  a  magnificent  work,"  said  the  doctor,  who 
was  too  much  absorbed  in  the  contemplation  of  his  prizes 
to  notice  the  passage-at-arms  between  the  ladies. 

«  <  26.    Marriage  at  Cana,  -  160  by  210.  -Unknown. 

Flemish  School. 

«  '  This  superb  painting  formerly  adorned  the  collection 
of  Brian  Boru,  King  of  Ulster,  and  was  brought  to  this 
country  by  his  last-known  descendant,  Patrick  O'Brien, 
Esq.,  who,  having  compromised  himself  in  the  Fenian 
movement  of  '98  (when  he  heroically  endeavored  to 
recover  his  lost  rights),  was  obliged  to  fly  to  this  country, 
and  died  some  years  since  in  Arkansas,  where  he  was 
sheriff  of  Pikeville. 

»  '  Many  of  our  best  artists  have  expressed  their  opin- 
ions of  this  grand  work.  The  figures  are  all  the  size  of 
life.  Some  attribute  it  to  Leonardo  da  Vinci,  others  to 
Teniers,  and  others  again  to  Titian,  for  it  possesses  the 
merits  of  all  three.'  " 

«  What  an  interesting  scene  !  "  said  Miss  Griffin. 

"  Why,  all  hands  are  drunk !"  said  Peewit. 

"You  mean  inebriated,  I  presume,"  said  Mrs.  Strong- 

itharm. 

"  Some  of  the  positions  may  seem  equivocal,"  said  the 
doctor;  "but  the  artist  merely  meant  to  indicate  the 
hilarity  attendant  on  the  joyous  occasion." 

"  How  superbly  the  bride  is  dressed ! "  said  Miss 
Griffin ;  "  what  a  pity  those  leg-of-mutton  sleeves  have 
gone  o'ut  of  fashion !  and  those  laces,  how  rich  they  are  ! 


184.  THE    rniLOSOPHEIiS    OF   FOUFOUVJLLE. 

and  how  much  those  red  high-heeled  shoes  add  dignity  to 
woman  ;  they  give  her  elevation." 

"I  pity  a  woman,"  said  Mrs.  Strongitharm,  "whose 
reputation  depended  on  her  heels,  like  a  ballet-dancer's." 

"  Some  people  wouldn't  have  any,"  answered  Miss 
Griffin,  "  even  if  they  were  mounted  on  stilts." 

"Loftiness  of  soul,  my  dear  sisters,"  said  the  doctor, 
"is  of  more  consequence  than  elevation  of  body,  and  you 
acquire  it  by  the  contemplation  of  such  a  work  as  this. 
Look  at  the  bride.  I  should  pronounce  her  most  excel- 
lent in  conception,  though  the  groom  is  perhaps  the  hap- 
piest figure  in  the  group  ;  and  in  that  female,  standing  on 
the  left,  their  is  food  for  an  hour's  study." 

"Yes,"  said  Miss  Griffin,  "I  was  contemplating  that 
heavy  yellow  satin  gown,  and  those  rich  point  laces." 

"They  must  have  cost  a  heap,"  said  Peewit.  "But 
what  queer  head-gear  they  have !  One  of  them  has  on 
something  that  looks  like  a  pair  of  horns,  and  another  an 
immense  extinguisher." 

"That,"  said  Professor  Malpest,  "was  the  female  cos- 
tume in  the  fourteenth  century." 

"  And  the  men  wore  women's  collars,  I  see,"  said 
Peewit ;  "  but  where  are  their  breeches?  " 

"Probably,"  answered  Lovell,  "  the  ladies  are  wearing 
them,  as  some  do  to  this  day." 

"No,  no,"  said  Peewit,  "  they  have  got  them  tucked 
up  above  the  thighs  like  clam-diggers." 

"  Let  me  call  your  attention  to  the  architectural  de- 
tails," said  the  doctor.  "See  that  spire  pointing  up- 
wards, signifying  that  even  on  the  wedding-day  we  should 
direct  our  thoughts  above.  In  the  distance  are  arches  on 
arches,  and  colonnade  after  colonnade." 


THE    PHILOSOPHERS    OF    FOUFOUVILLE.  185 

"  What  a  magnificent  city  Cana  was  !  "  said  Mr.  Pee- 
wit.    "  It  must  have  been  larger  than  Eome." 

"  And  mark  the  transparency  of  shadow,"  continued 
the  doctor,  "  and  the  luminous  arrangement  of  the 
lights." 

"  Particularly  in  the  window  of  the  transept,"  said 
Peewit. 

"That  tracery,"  said  the  doctor,  "is  a  study  for  an 
architect ;  it  is  a  remarkably  pure  specimen  of  the  flam- 
boyant Gothic  style." 

"  "What  talented  fellows  the  Goths  of  Cana  must  have 
been !  "  said  Peewit.     "  Why,  there's  the  Pope !  " 

"Imbecile  !  "  muttered  Mrs.  Strongitharm. 

"  That  is  doubtless  intended  for  a  Jewish  Rabbi,"  said 
the  doctor,  "  although  the  costume  does  resemble  that  of 
the  Romish  hierarchy  ;  but  how  rich  is  the  color,  how  deep 
the  tone  !     It  seems  painted  as  it  were  with  fused  gems." 

"  The  ear-rings,  of  the  bride  are  exquisite,"  said  Charity. 

"  And  the  old  clock  in  the  corner,"  said  the  doctor ; 
"  how  familiar  it  looks !  and  take  note  of  the  brilliant 
idea,  —  it  marks  one  o'clock,  symbolical  of  the  fact  that 
the  married  pair  are  one." 

"  But  one  hand  points  to  twelve,"  observed  Peewit. 

"  That,"  said  the  doctor  with  some  hesitation,  "  that 
is  typical  of  the  future  happy  results  of  the  union." 

"What's  this?  What's  this?"  exclaimed  several  at 
once. 

"  This,"  said  the  doctor,  turning  over  a  leaf,  "  is  the 

"'379.  Fall  into  Limbo,— 72  by  84  —  Pietro  Pin- 
toretto.     Time  of  Dante. 

"  '  The  damned  are  seen  tumbling  down,  head  first, 
sideways  and  in  every  possible  position,  arms  and  legs 
16* 


18G  the  rniLOSornEns  of  foufouville. 

protruding  on  all  sides.  This  is  the  picture  so  finely 
characterized  by  Sir  Joshua  Reynolds  as  an  "  avalanche 
of  flesh."  The  devil  is  seen  below  stirring  up  his  fires, 
throwing  on  the  brimstone,  and  getting  ready  his  grid- 
irons and  ovens.  The  dove  hovers  overhead  in  a  trian- 
gular cage.  Numbers  of  the  lost  are  imploring  for 
mercy,  but  the  Lamb  glares  at  them  ferociously,  and  St. 
Peter  averts  his  head,  as  if  he  was  shaking  it  negatively 
and  saying,    "  You  can't  come  in.'  " 

"  "What  a  dreadful  imagination  that  painter  must  have 
had  !  "  said  Miss  Griffin. 

"It  is  truly  a  fearful  thing  to  contemplate,"  said  the 
doctor ;  "  and  what  a  lesson  it  teaches  us  ! " 

"  Several  lessons,"  said  Lovell. 

"  I  cannot  bear  to  look  at  it,"  said  Miss  Griffin. 

"  See  what  a  knowledge  of  anatomy  is  displayed,"  said 
the  doctor  ;  "  it  is  Nature  itself." 

Miss  Griffin  did  not  answer. 

"  "We  cannot  be  sure  of  that,"  said  Lovell,  "  without 
seeing  the  living  models  in  the  exact  positions  here  repre- 
sented, and  that  would  not  be  easy  to  accomplish,  for 
some  of  the  figures  have  got  their  limbs  twisted  together 
(as  if  they  were  trying  to  tie  themselves  into  hard  knots) 
in  a  way  not  possible  to  any  but  Japanese  jugglers,  and 
others  are  trying  through  the  air  in  postures  seen  only  in 
Hindoo  devotees  who  swing  themselves  fifty  feet  above 
ground,  hooked  through  the  back." 

"How  thankful  we  should  be,"  said  the  doctor,  "  that 
we  are  on  the  true  road  to  glory  !  Behold,  in  this  picture, 
how  few  are  saved,  and  how  many  lost,  notwithstanding 
the  efforts  that  have  been  made  to  rescue  fallen  man." 


THE    PHILOSOPHERS    OF   FOUFOVVILLE.  187 

"  The  devil  must  be  the  most  powerful  of  all,"  said 
Peewit. 

"  Here,"  said  the  doctor,  "  we  have  a  very  early  work, 
and  consequently  very  valuable. 

"  '  24.  Circumcision.  (Tempera,  w.  g.  b.  g.  34  by  60.) 
Fra  Domenic.     About  1200. 

"'A  most  pleasing  performance.  The  heads  (all  in 
profile)  are  excellent  in  design,  the  expression  of  the 
child  undergoing  the  operation  being  particularly  happy. 
Among  the  fine  points  we  would  call  the  amateur's  atten- 
tion to  the  knife,  on  which  is  seen  a  drop  of  blood.  A 
young  woman  watches  the  proceedings  with  breathless  in- 
terest.' 

"  And  this  will  do  for  a  companion  piece  to  it. 

"  '  18.  Flagellation.  (Fresco,  46  by  5*2)..  Perugino  Pa- 
letto.     1287—1329. 

"  '  The  peculiar  style  of  the  period  (before  Raphael  had 
debased  the  art)  is  here  shown  in  all  its  perfection.  The 
flesh  has  that  fine  light-bluish  tint  seen  only  in  Ameri- 
can marble.  The  figures  are  slightly  idealized  (being 
about  thirteen  heads  in  height),  and  the  limbs  are  straight 
and  rigid  as  becomes  the  subject.  The  little  finger  of  the 
left  hand  of  the  principal  figure  is  particularly  well  done. 
The  expression  of  Pontius  Pilate  is  masterly,  the  emo- 
tions of  rage,  hatred,  and  delight  being  shown  in  every 
lineament.  The  culverin  in  the  back  ground,  astride  of 
which  is  a  'Roman  standard  bearer,  is  extremely  interest- 
ing, as  proving  that  fire-arms  were  known  in  the  time  of 
Paletto.' " 

"  This  is  a  painful  picture,"  said  Charity. 
"  It  would  be  more  so,"  answered  Peewit,  "  if  they  did 
not  all  seem  to  be  taking  it  so  coolly." 


188  THE    PIULOSOPIIERS    OF    FOUFOUVILLE. 

"These  subjects,*'  said  the  doctor,  "were  chosen  in 
order  to  do  honor  to  the  Almighty,  which  shows  the  ele- 
vation of  sentiment  possessed  by  the  artists  of  that  time. 
To  appreciate  them  fully  you  must  look  at  them  with  the 
eye  of  Faith." 

"  My  taste,"  said  Mr.  Peewit,  "  is  for  mythological 
subjects.     I  love  to  look  at  Venuses." 

"  That  simply  shows  that  your  taste  is  depraved  and 
needs  cultivation,"  said  Mrs.  Strongitharm. 

"  Here,"  said  the  doctor,  "  is  a  mere  modern  work  that 
I  inadvertently  allowed  myself  to  be  inveigled  into  bid- 
ding for.  It  represents  a  pack  of  hounds,  —  in  distem- 
per, —  after  Sir  Edwin  Landseer." 

"They  don't  look  like  mad  dogs,"  observed  Mr.  Pee- 
wit ;  "  and  where's  Sir  Ed " 

"  Peewit !  Peewit !  "  said  Mrs.  Strongitharm. 

"  I  could  swear,"  said  John  Long,  "  they  was  portraits 
like  of  the  dogs  of  Sir  Owen  ap  Jones,  whose  kennel  I 
kept  at  Glennw}'grig  ;  it  a'most  seems  as  if  I  could  hear 
'em  bark." 

"IIow  perfectly  natural  are  the  attitudes!"  remarked 
Charity. 

"  That  shows  the  superiority  of  the  old  masters,"  re- 
plied the  doctor.  "  This  thing  is  nothing  but  a  copy 
from  Nature  ;  there  is  no  art  whatever  visible  in  it." 

"  Sir,"  said  Mr.  Lovell,  "  I  would  rather  possess  a  pup 
of  Landseer's,  than  a  pre-Raphaelite  virgin."   . 

"  What  kind  of  a  virgin  is  that?"  inquired  Mr.  Peewit. 

"  A  very  old  one,"  answered  Professor  Malpest. 

"A  sort  of  old  ma — "  Mr.  Peewit's  words  were  cut 
short  by  a  frown  from  Mrs.  Strongitharm. 

"  Here  is  a  glorious  work,"  cried  the  doctor. 


THE    PHILOSOPHERS    OF   FOUFOUVILLE.  189 

"  <  13.  Susannah  and  the  Elders.  108  by  120.  After 
Rubens. 

" '  This  is  a  faithful  copy  by  Von  Beest,  of  the  cele- 
brated picture  in  the  well-known  gallery  of  Count  Lackin- 
witz,  near  Antwerp.  Although  a  mere  copy,  the  exquisite 
delicacy  and  refinement  of  the  original,  is  preserved 
throughout. 

"  '  The  proportions  of  Susannah  are  colossal.  There 
is  nothing  here  of  the  pettiness  of  the  modern  French 
school,  but  everything  is  on  a  grand  scale,  majestic,  sub- 
lime, like  the  mind  of  the  master.  The  flesh  is  warm  in 
tone,  and  hangs  down  in  thick  folds.  (Winkleman  calls 
it  "  flabby.")  The  drapery  which  lies  at  her  feet  is  beau- 
tifully done,  and  so  is  the  piece  of  soap  on  the  edge  of 
the  bath-tub,' —  a  remarkable  instance  of  the  care  be- 
stowed by  this  great  man  on  his  accessories. 

"  '  The  two  sly  elders  show  by  the  direction  in  which 
they  are  pointing,  and  by  the  expression  of  their  coun- 
tenances, that  their  curiosity  is  being  amply  gratified. 
The  one  who  is  sticking  out  his  tongue  deserves  the  high- 
est admiration,  but  both  figures  are  in  the  best  style  of 
art,  the  action  being  especially  worthy  of  commenda- 
tion.' " 

"  That's  my  style,"  exclaimed  Peewit.  "  That's  what 
I  call  a  picture." 

"  Von  Beest's  genius,"  said  Professor  Malpest,  "  seems 
to  have  spread  itself  there,  to  have  borne  him  along  as  it 
were,  under  full  canvas,  with  all  colors  flying." 

"  And  laid  on  with  a  free  brush,"  said  the  doctor. 

"  Regardless  of  expense,"  put  in  Peewit. 

"  And  yet,"  continued  the  doctor,  "  notwithstanding 


190  tjte  rnizosoruERS  of  foufouville. 

the  force,  the  energy  displayed,  what  touching  sentiment, 
what  :i  feeling  of  refinement  pervades  the  whole !  " 

"  It  is  the  only  picture  that  has  excited  my  emotions," 
said  Peewit;  '•  but  what  a  whopper  Susan  is!  How  I 
should  like  to  have  seen  her  !  " 

The  enthusiastic  Peewit,  becoming  suddenly  conscious 
that  he  had  said  more  than  prudence  dictated,  cast  a  fur- 
tive glance  behind  him  ;  but  his  fears  were  groundless,  Mrs. 
Strongitharm  having  left  the  room  with  the  other  ladies. 

"It  is  a  gorgeous  work,"  said  Professor  Malpest, 
standing  off  at  a  distance,  and  looking  as  much  as  possi- 
ble lost  in  admiration. 

"  Whatever  may  be  the  merits  of  the  execution,"  said 
Lovell,  "  the  design,  in  my  opinion,  is  simply  beastly." 

"  That,"  said  the  doctor,  "  is  because  your  judgment 
has  not  been  educated  up  to  the  appreciation  of  High  Art. 
The  true  admirer  of  the  old  masters  can  see  no  fault  in 
them ;  he  looks  through  the  subject,  as  it  were,  and  sees 
only  the  genius  displayed  in  its  portrayal." 

"  But  an  artist  of  refinement,"  answered  Lovell,  "  would 
cither  not  select  a  coarse  subject,  or,  if  he  did,  he  would 
so  treat  it  as  to  conceal  any  want  of  delicacy  in  it.  The 
beautiful  picture  of  Diana  and  her  Nymphs,  by  Professor 
Sohn,  is  an  exemplification  of  my  remark." 

"  Pooh ! "  said  the  doctor.  "  The  modern  German 
school." 

"  I  consider  Steinbruck's  Adoration  of  the  Magi  the 
finest  composition  on  that  subject  I  ever  saw,"  said  Lovell. 

"  And  yet,"  answered  the  doctor,  "  you  have  beheld 
the  glorious  conceptions  of  Signorelli  and  Squarcione  !  " 

"  There  is  no  reason,"  replied  Lovell,  "  to  suppose  that 
the  human  mind  has  degenerated  during  the  last  five  cen- 


THE    PHILOSOPIMES    OF   FOVFOUVILLE.  191 

turies ;  on  the  contrary,  considering  the  advances  that 
have  been  made  in  civilization,  it  appears  to  me  to  have 
improved ;  but,  even  granting  that  it  has  remained  in 
statu  quo  —  " 

"  Like  the  Apollo  Belvidere,"  suggested  Peewit. 

" In  statu  quo"  continued  Lovell,  without  heeding  the 
interruption,  "  artists  of  the  present  day  have  many  advan- 
tages over  their  predecessors  of  the  olden  time.  They 
have  the  same  beautiful  nature  around  them  and  the 
works  of  good  masters  to  study  from,  with  the  writings 
of  able  critics  to  guide  them,  besides  some  minor  advan- 
tages in  regard  to  materials.  Among  the  '  old  masters/ 
which,  in  the  popular  estimation,  means  every  one  who 
handled  a  brush  some  hundreds  of  years  ago,  I  presume 
there  was  just  about  the  same  proportion  of  good  to  bad 
painters  as  at  present ;  but  as  a  class  I  do  not  believe 
that  they  were  superior  in  ability  to  the  men  of  our  day, 
while,  in  regard  to  artificial  acquirements,  the  latter  have 
the  advantage.  Macaulay  says  that  as  far  as  human  in- 
telligence is  concerned,  we  are  the  true  ancients,  those 
who  lived  in  the  early  ages  being  the  j'ouths." 

"  Then,"  said  Peewit,  "  Methusaleh  was  a  youth  at  nine 
hundred  and  sixty-nine  years  of  age." 

"In  knowledge,  yes,"  replied  Lovell.  "Now  the  fine 
works  of  the  old  masters  —  and  the  bad  ones  too  — 
have  long  been  collected  in  the  galleries  of  Europe,  com- 
mented on  by  critics,  and  the  place  of  all  of  them  noted. 
It  is  a  very  rare  occurrence  for  a  new  one  to  be  discovered, 
and,  when  this  happens,  the  fact  is  at  once  heralded  over 
the  continent,  and,  good  or  bad,  it  brings  a  very  high 
price ;  yet  hundreds  of  pictures  bearing  the  names  of 
well-known  early  masters  are  annually  imported  into  New 


192  the  rniLOsopnEns  of  foufouville. 

York.     These  may  be  divided  into  five  classes,  with  the 

per  rentage  of  each  as  follows, — 

"  1st.  Bad  copies  of  bad  originals,    80,     worthless. 
"2d.  Bad  copies  of  good  originals,    15,  " 

"3d.  Good  copies  of  bad  originals,      3,  " 

"4th.  Good  copies  of  good  originals,  2,  of  some  value. 
"  5th.  Original  works  of  old  masters,  0. 


100." 

"Why  do  you  speak  of  the  fifth  class  as  '  imported'?" 
asked  the  professor. 

"  If  I  were  tp  answer  you  like  an  old  Greek  philoso- 
pher," replied  Lovell,  "  I  should  say  that  the  fifth  class 
was  '  nothing '  and  '  nothing '  was  imported  ;  but  I  have  a 
better  reason.  I  believe  that  occasionally  stray  bona 
fide  originals  (usually  very  inferior  ones)  do  find  their 
way  into  our  market ;  but  the  percentage  of  these  is  such 
a  mere  fraction  that  I  felt  justified  in  marking  it  0  in  the 
above  classification. 

"  Besides  the  above,  there  are  also  imported  for  sale 
great  numbers  of  acknowledged  modern  paintings. 
These  may  be  classed  and  divided  as  follows, — 

"1st.  Bad  pictures  by  students  or  artists,  70. 

unsalable  in  Europe. 

"  2d.    Good  pictures  by  students  or  inferior  artists,  0. 

"  3d.   Inferior  pictures  by  good  artists    ('  Homer 

sometimes  nods '),  20. 

"  4th.  Good  pictures  by  good  artists,  8. 

"  5th.  Fine  works  by  artists  of  reputation,  2. 

100. 


THE    PHILOSOPHERS    OF   FOVFOUVJLLE.  193 

"  Copies,  which  sometimes  resemble  caricatures,  of  su- 
perior modern  works  which  have  become  popular  through 
the  medium  of  engravings  are  weekly,  if  not  daily,  sold 
in  auction  rooms  almost  by  wholesale.  These  are  not  im- 
ported, but  are  copied,  in  New  York,  from  engrav- 
ings, the  artisan  being  paid  for  his  work  at  the  rate 
of  about  one  dollar  a  foot.  I  have  seen  parties  pur- 
chase these  daubs  under  the  impression  that  they  were 
buying  the  originals." 

"  Is  not  all  this  rather  beneficial  than  otherwise?"  said 
the  professor.     "  Does  it  not  cultivate  a  taste  for  art?  " 

"  It  is  about  as  beneficial,"  answered  Lovell,  "  as  it 
would  be  to  cultivate  weeds  in  a  garden." 

"  Admitting,  for  the  sake  of  argument,  that  what  you 
say  is  true,"  said  the  doctor,  "  then  but  few  persons  in 
this  country  have  any  opportunity  of  gratifying  their 
artistic  tastes." 

"  Fine  engravings  can  be  had,"  answered  Lovell,  "  and 
I  am  sure  that  a  good  engraving  of  a  good  picture  is 
better  than  a  bad  copy  or  a  bad  original,  and  besides, 
many  excellent  paintings  by  Americans  are  annually  ex- 
hibited. Our  landscape  painters,  in  my  opinion,  have  no 
superiors.  If  old  Andrea  del  Sarto,  or  Giotto,  or  any  of 
those  who  came  not  long  after  them,  had  painted  the 
'  Heart  of  the  Andes,'  or  the  '  Storm  in  the  Rocky  Moun- 
tains,' those  truthful  and  most  beautiful  works  would  be 
worth  their  weight  in  gold  (frames  and  all)  ;  whole  vol- 
ums  would  be  written  about  them,  and  dictionaries  ran- 
sacked to  find  terms  strong  enough  to  express  their 
merits." 

"  But  the  works  of  the  early  painters,"  said  Professor 
Malpest, "  are  interesting  as  showing  the  progress  of  art." 
17 


194  tiie  rniLosoriiERS  of  foufouville. 

"  Yes,"  answered  Lovcll ;  "  and  matchlock  muskets  are 
interesting  as  showing  the  progress  of  fire-arms ;  but  a 
sportsman  would  not  value  one  as  highly  as  a  breech- 
loader." 

"  That  is  not  a  parallel  case,"  replied  the  professor ; 
"  for  an  antiquarian  might  prize  what  a  sportsman  would 
not ;  and,  if  there  was  as  much  gratification  to  the  vanity 
in  possessing  a  collection  of  old  Spanish  or  Flemish  mus- 
ketoons,  we  would  soon  see  them  encumbering  our  walls, 
and  imitations  would  be  manufactured  by  wholesale." 

" Now  you  have  hit  it,"  said  Lovell ;  "in  order  to 
gratify  a  petty  vanity,  founded  on  ignorance,  we  are 
unjust  to  our  fellow-countrymen." 

"  I  am  glad  ol  it,"  said  Mrs.  Strongitharm,  who  entered 
the  room  in  time  to  hear  the  latter  part  of  the  sentence  ; 
"  for  it  may  make  some  of  them  feel  for  the  wrongs  of 
their  fellow-countrywomen." 

"  The  city  women  have  the  hardest  time,"  said  Pee- 
wit. 

This  started  the  conversation  on  a  new  tack,  —  to 
speak  nautically, — but  our  profound  respect  for  the  uni- 
ties induces  us  to  withhold  it.  Enough,  however,  has  been 
given  to  enable  the  reader  to  draw  several  important  in- 
ferences. In  the  first  place,  it  is  clear  from  Mr.  LovelPs 
conversing  in  an  amicable  manner  with  Professor  Malpest, 
that  his  blood-thirsty  intentions  in  regard  to  that  gen- 
tleman had  become  considerably  modified.  This  we 
attribute  to  the  influence  of  Charity,  when  they  were  left 
together  during  the  convention  week.  In  the  second 
place,  it  is  probable  that  the  ignorance  of  art  and  want 
of  appreciation  shown  by  Mr.  Lovell  must  have  created 
an  unfavorable  impression  against  him  in  the  mind  of  the 


THE  PHILOSOPHERS   OF  FOUFOUVILLE.  195 

doctor,  especially  when  Ms  presumptuous  language  was 
contrasted  with  the  suavity  and  deep  feeling  for  antiquity 
manifested  by  the  professor.  In  the  third  place,  we  see 
that  Mrs.  Strongitharm  and  Miss  Griffin  still  continued 
their  bickerings,  thereby  demonstrating  that  the  resent- 
ment of  woman  is  more  abiding:  than  that  of  man. 


19C  THE    rniLOSOPHEIiS    OF   FOUFOUVILLE. 


CHAPTER    IX. 

Lively  Times  at  Harmony  Hall. 

The  next  morning  it  was  resolved  to  mow  the  grass  on 
the  lawn  in  front  of  the  house.  This  task  fell  to  the  lot 
of  Mr.  Peewit,  for,  as  Mrs.  Strongitharm  observed,  he 
and  Mr.  Lovell  had  undertaken  to  do  the  "  light  out-door 
work,"  and  Mr.  L.  was  at  that  time  busily  engaged  in 
planting  turnips,  assisted  by  Miss  Charity.  So  Peewit 
reluctantl3r  took  up  the  scythe.  He  began  operations  by 
slightly  cutting"  his  fingers  in  honing  the  implement,  and 
being  thereby  convinced  that  it  was  sharp  enough  to  set 
to  work.  After  the  first  swoop  of  the  scythe  he  stopped, 
and,  visibly  agitated,  examined  his  legs,  for  he  had  a  sort 
of  nervous  apprehension  that  he  might  cut  them  off. 
Finding  them  safe  he  made  a  second  swoop,  but  the  grass 
being  rather  short  the  blade  passed  above  it,  cutting 
harmlessly  through  the  circumambient  air.  At  the  third 
stroke,  he  cut  down  the  doctor's  favorite  peach  sapling ; 
at  the  fourth,  the  steel  struck  against  a  large  stone, 
making  the  sparks  fly,  rebounding,  and  causing  poor 
Peewit's  arms  to  experience  a  sensation  as  though  they  had 
received  a  strong  electric  shock,  his  elbows  feeling  as  if 
pricked  by  a  thousand  needles.  He  looked  around  pite- 
ously,  in  a  bewildered  state  of  mind,  but,  seeing  the  sharp 
ej^es  of  Mrs.  Strongitharm  fixed  upon  him,  he  went  to 
work  again  vigorously,  or,  to  speak  more  correctly,  des- 
perately, slashing  away  right  and  left,  sending  the  small 


THE    PHILOSOPHERS    OF   FOUFOUVILLE.  197 

stones  flying  in  all  directions,  making  deep  grooves  in  the 
grass  and  in  the  ground,  while  tufts  were  left  standing 
here  and  there,  like  the  hair  of  a  child's  head  which  has 
been  cut  at  home  to  save  paying  a  shilling  to  a  barber. 
The  perspiration  was  streaming  from  him,  but  he  kept  on, 
heedless  of  consequences,  though  dreading  every  moment 
to  find  himself  standing  on  his  stumps.  Jack,  the  poodle, 
excited  by  his  awkward  gyrations,  leaped  from  the  arms 
of  his  mistress  and  began  to  bark  at  him  furiously,  caper- 
ing about,  evidently  much  diverted  by  the  performance  ;  but 
the  mower,  who  neither  saw  nor  heard  anything,  slashed 
away  with  his  terrible  weapon,  hacking  through  grass, 
stones,  sticks,  and  earth.  All  at  once  he  was  startled  by 
a  piercing  yelp.  He  had  cut  Jack's  head  off.  He  dropped 
the  scythe,  and  stood  a  moment  transfixed  with  horror. 
He  then  slowly  ventured  to  turn  his  head,  and  furtively 
looked  over  his  shoulders  at  Mrs.  Strongitharm.  Pale 
and  speechless  she  gazed  at  the  severed  carcass  of  Jack  ; 
then  scowled  a  moment  at  the  dismayed  executioner,  and, 
shrieking  "  Wretch ! "  sank  fainting  on  the  grass.  Peewit's 
first  impulse  was  to  run  away ;  his  second,  to  go  to  her 
assistance  ;  his  third,  to  get  out  of  sight  before  she  recov- 
ered her  consciousness.  He  acted  on  the  latter  idea,  and 
instantly  took  to  his  heels,  never  thinking  of  his  coat 
which  was  hanging  on  a  tree,  nor  stopping  in  his  terror- 
stricken  flight  until  Harmony  Hall  was  lost  to  view  by  an 
intervening  hill.  Like  the  wandering  Jew,  he  might 
never  have  stopped  at  all  had  it  not  been  for  the  want  of 
breath.  He  was  seen  at  noon  sitting  disconsolate  on  a 
stone  by  the  roadside,  near  the  entrance  to  the  village  of 
Foufouville,  musing  upon  the  vicissitudes  of  human  life. 
The  day  before  he  was  a  happy  Harmonian ;  now  he 
17* 


198  THE    rniLOSOPHERS    OF   FOUFOVVILLE. 

was  little  better  than  an  outcast.  He  had  ruined  John 
Long's  best  scythe  against  the  stones  ;  he  had  cut  down 
the  doctor's  favorite  peach-tree ;  he  had  killed  Mrs. 
Strong itharm's  pet  dog.  What  was  he  to  do  ?  Could  he 
ever  venture  to  show  himself  again  at  Harmony  Hall? 
Could  he  stand  up  against  the  volleys  of  wrath  and  re- 
sentment with  which  he  would  be  received  ?  He  shook  his 
head  sadly  in  the  negative,  and  muttered  audibly,  "  Never, 
never,  never."  He  sat  for  hours  wrapped  in  a  seeming 
lethargy. 

He  was  aroused  from  his  rever}',  by  the  approach  of  a 
tall,  stern-looking  man,  dressed  entirely  in  black  with  the 
exception  of  a  white  cravat  and  a  pair  of  green  goggles, 
and  flourishing  a  heavy  walking  stick. 

"  Sir,  it  is  a  fine  day,"  said  the  unknown. 

"  It  is,  sir,"  answered  Peewit,  eying  him  suspiciously, 
for  he  had  strong  misgivings  that  his  sinister-looking  in- 
terlocutor was  bent  on  highway  robbery.  However,  as 
he  had  not  more  than  six  or  seven  shillings  in  his  pocket, 
and  was,  moreover,  in  a  sort  of  reckless  frame  of  mind,  he 
sat  doggedly  on  his  stone,  and  though  the  next  words 
might  be,  "  Your  money  or  your  life,"  resolved  to  resign 
himself  passively  to  fate. 

But  there  was  in  reality  no  cause  for  his  alarm,  the 
stranger  who  excited  such  serious  apprehensions  in  his 
mind  being  the  Rev.  Hieronymus  Knox,  incumbent  of 
All  Saints  Church  in  Foufouville,  an  earnest  and  conscien- 
tious worker  in  the  good  cause,  whose  stern  and  forbid- 
ding exterior  covered  a  breast  filled  with  the  milk  of 
human  kindness.  He  had  but  recently  returned  from 
fourteen  years'  service  as  a  missionary  to  the  Feejee 
Islands,  and  was  shocked  to  hear  of  the  establishment  in 


THE   PHILOSOPHERS    OF  FOUFOUVILLE.  199 

the  very  midst  of  a  Christian  community  of  such  a  den  of 
abominations  as  Harmony  Hall  was  popularly  reported  to 
be.  The  erection  of  the  phalanstery  had  at  first  merely 
given  rise  to  some  curious  and  singularly  erroneous  sur- 
mises among  the  people  as  to  its  object.  Some  said  it 
was  to  be  an  asylum  for  inebriates,  or  a  factory  of  some 
sort  that  would  make  everybody  rich  ;  while  others  hinted 
that  the  capital  of  the  State  was  to  be  removed  to  Fou- 
fouville,  and  that  the  large  building  was  the  Senate 
House.  After  the  Harmonians  took  up  their  abode  in 
their  new  home,  their  habits  of  seclusion  still  further 
piqued  the  curiosity  of  their  neighbors,  and  when  it  was 
found  that  they  kept  themselves  rigidly  aloof  from  out- 
siders, abstaining  from  all  intercourse  with  the  world 
around  them,  suspicion  was  added  to  curiosity,  and 
strange  rumors  of  the  doings  within  those  secret  walls  were 
whispered  mysteriously  among  the  people.  The  village 
gossips  had  not  failed  to-  repeat  to  their  pastor  all  the 
miserable  lies  that  obtained  credence  amongst  them  ;  old 
ladies  over  the  tea-table  had  made  Mrs.  Knox's  blood 
run  cold  with  harrowing  accounts  of  the  treatment  of 
women  and  children  ;  and  a  committee  of  vestrymen  and 
deacons  had  called  upon  the  minister  that  very  morning 
to  consult  as  to  the  best  means  to  be  taken  to  rid  the 
town  of  so  great  a  scandal.  When,  as  occasionally  hap- 
pened, Professor  Malpest  and  the  doctor  drove  through 
the  village  on  their  way  to  the  city,  the  small  boys 
glanced  at  them  askant,  young  maidens  timidly  shrank 
within  doors,  while  grown  men  and  women  frowned  as 
they  went  by,  and  the  old  ones  shook  their  heads  and 
looked  knowing. 

The  Eev.  Mr.  Knox  was  on  his  way  to  visit  some  of 


200  THE  rniLOSOPIIERS    OF  foufouville. 

the  poor  and  sick  among  his  parishioners  when  he  came 
upon  the  forlorn  Peewit  sitting  by  the  road-side. 

"  Yon  seem  to  be  in  trouble,  my  friend,"  said  he.  "  It 
will  gratify  me  if  I  can  do  anything  to  alleviate  your  dis- 
tress. This  life  is  one  of  suffering  and  trial  to  prepare 
us  for  a  better  world  to  come.  Here  none  of  us  are  free 
from  sorrow  ;  we  must  all  bear  our  share  of  the  burden. 
Are  you  in  want  of  money  ?  " 

As  he  spoke,  the  kind-hearted  parson  held  out  a  quarter 
of  a  dollar.  Tears  started  to  Peewit's  eyes.  He  could 
not  speak,  but  by  way  of  answer  slapped  his  pocket, 
making  the  silver  jingle. 

"  Ah  !  "  said  the  minister,  "  then  your  trouble  is  of  the 
mind,  not  of  the  body.  It  is  the  peculiar  province  of 
my  vocation,  and  my  greatest  happiness,  to  bring  relief  to 
those  who  are  weary  and  heavy-laden." 

Peewit  thought  of  the  ruined  scj'the,  the  destro}'ed 
peach-tree,  the  decapitated  dog,  the  implacable  Strong- 
itharm,  and  groaned  aloud. 

"  Unhappy  man  ! "  said  the  Rev.  Mr.  Knox,  in  a  tone  of 
deep  commiseration,  "  whether  it  be  crime  or  the  cruel 
shaft  of  misfortune  that  has  reduced  you  to  your  present 
condition,  —  whether  you  be  suffering  from  the  stings  of  re- 
morse or  from  the  pangs  of  sorrow,  —  I  beg  you  to  look 
upon  me  as  a  s}-mpathizmg  brother.  Do  you  reside  in 
this  vicinity  ?  " 

Peewit  pointed  to  Harmony  Hall. 

"What!  Do  you  come  from  that  stronghold  of 
Belial  ?  "  exclaimed  the  divine,  shrinking  back.  "  Arc  you 
one  of  those  prodigal  profligates,  one  of  those  licentious 
libertines?  You  have  not  the  appearance  of  a  radically 
bad  man.     Can  it  be  possible  that  you  are  living  in  a 


THE    PHILOSOPHERS    OF   FOUFOUVILLE.  201 

state  of  sin  with  one  to  whom  you  have  not  been  united 
according  to  the  rites  of  the  church  ?  " 

"  Alas !  sir,  it  is  too  true,"  answered  Peewit,  with  a 
heavy  sigh.  "  She  just  took  me  without  any  ceremony 
at  aM." 

The  good  minister  stood  silent  for  a  moment  with  an 
expression  more  of  sorrow  than  of  anger. 

"You  look  dejected,"  said  he.  "Man  cannot  get  rid 
of  the  qualms  of  conscience  as  easily  as  he  throws  off  his 
coat.  They  cling  to  him  more  closely  than  his  shadow, 
for  they  follow  him  day  and  night ;  yea,  they  pursue  him 
even  in  his  dreams.  It  would  be  strange  if  such  guilt  did 
not  lie  heavy  on  your  heart.  Do  you  sincerely  repent  of 
all  yonr  enormities  ?  " 

"Indeed  I  do,  sir,  indeed  I  do,"  answered  the  wretched 
Peewit. 

"  Then  there  is  hope,"  replied  Mr.  Knox,  as  his  severe 
if  not  harsh  features  relaxed  with  a  smile  of  satisfaction  ; 
"  for  there  is  more  joy  in  heaven  over  one  sinner  who 
repenteth,  than  over  a  thousand  just  men  made  perfect. 
Would  you  like  to  be  released  from  the  bonds  with  which 
Satan  has  bound  you?  " 

"  I  should  be  rejoiced,  sir,"  answered  Peewit. 

"  I  regret  my  friend  that  I  cannot  perform  the  good 
work  to-day,"  replied  the  minister ;  "  other  and  imperative 
duties  call  me  hence ;  but,  if  you  will  meet  me  at  the 
church  to-morrow  evening  with  your  partner  in  guilt,  I 
will  unite  you  indissolubly  in  the  holy  bonds  of  matri- 
mony, according  to  the  forms  ordained  and  prescribed  by 
the  convocation  of  bishops  and  deacons." 

Peewit  was  struck  dumb  with  astonishment,  and,  before 
he  could  recover  his  speech,  the  worthy  missionary  handed 


202  THE    PHILOSOPHERS    OF    FOUFOUVILLE. 

hini  his  card,  and  bidding  him  farewell  "went  on  his  way, 
happy  in  the  belief  that  he  had  sown  some  good  seed, 
which  might  perhaps  take  root  and  ripen,  and  end  in  the 
conversion  of  the  whole  heathen  community  at  Harmony 
Hall.  * 

Poor  Peewit  felt  more  miserable  than  ever.  It  seemed 
as  if  he  had  escaped  from  Scylla  only  to  see  Charybdis 
looming  up  before  him.  A  feeling  of  utter  listlessness 
was  stealing  over  him  when  the  gnawings  of  hunger  roused 
him  to  exertion,  for  he  had  eaten  nothing  since  morning, 
and  he  resolved  to  enter  the  village  in  search  of  food. 
He  soon  came  to  an  oj7ster-stand  alongside  of  a  rum-shop 
and,  being  exceedingly  hungry,  ordered  four  dozen  on  the 
half-shell. 

While  Peewit  was  satisfying  his  prodigious  appetite  at 
the  oyster-stand  a  group  of  idlers  were  lounging  around 
the  adjoining  bar-room,  discussing  the  merits,  or  rather 
the  demerits,  of  their  neighbors  at  Harmony  Hall. 

"  Have  you  heard  of  the  new  sex  we've  got  amongst 
us?"  said  one  of  them,  who  appeared  to  be  a  farm-hand. 
"  They've  built  themselves  a  great  barn  of  a  house,  and 
there  they  all  live  together  like  rabbits  ;  and  such  carry- 
ings-on !     I  tell  you  it  makes  my  blood  bile  to  think  on't." 

k'  They  are  wus  nor  the  Mormons,  they  are,"  said  a  red- 
faced  young  man,  "  for  they  keep  all  their  women  in  com- 
mon." 

"  They  are  a  public  nuisance,  that's  what  they  are," 
answered  the  farmer ;  "  they  don't  buy  nothin'  from  their 
neighbors  like  honest  folk,  but  go  to  the  city  arter  every- 
thing. "What  good  do  sich  people  do  in  the  world  ?  And 
then  it's  currently  reported,  it  is,  that  they  have  six  wives 
apiece.     I  tell  you  sich  doin's  riles  me,  they  does." 


THE    PHILOSOPHERS    OF    FOUFOUVILLE.  203 

"  Yes,"  said  a  tow-headed  youth  about  eighteen  years 
of  age,  "  and  I've  heerd  some  awful  stories  about  their 
'nitiation  ceremonies.  Do  you  know,"  he  continued, 
lowering  his  voice,  "  that  they  mixes  a  horrid  mess  of 
blood,  brains,  and  livers,  with  bats,  toads,  serpents,  and 
other  horrid  reptiles,  in  a  great  black  iron  pot,  and  they 
make  a  fire  under  it,  and  when  it's  bilin'  they  go  hoppin' 
and  dancin'  about  it  yellin'  and  singin', — 

"  '  Round  about  the  caldron  go ; 
In  the  pizened  entrails  throw, 
Adder's  fork  and  blind  worm's  sting, 
Lizard's  leg  and  owlet's  wing; 
Double,  double,  toil  and  trouble; 
Fire  burn,  and  caldron  bubble.' 

They  sing  that  and  other  diabolical  songs  that  no  respect- 
able pussen  ever  heerd.  One  on  'em  who  stopped  here 
over  night  a  bit  ago,  and  called  himself  Longshanks, 
whispered  it  to  me  in  the  dark,  as  we  sat  on  the  stoop  a- 
clrinkin'  toddy.  I  tell  you  my  hair  stood  on  end,  and  I 
was  so  skeered  I  didn't  sleep  a  wink  all  night." 

"That  reminds  me,"  said  a  lanky,  purple-nosed  indi- 
vidual, who  looked  like  a  'longshoreman,  "  that  I  actially 
see  one  on  'em  myself,  —  a  tall,  cross-eyed  villain  with  gold 
specs,  and  dressed  in  black  from  head  to  foot,  like  Belze- 
hub,  — I  see  him  with  my  own  eyes,  kill  a  snake." 

"  And  the  same  fellow,"  said  the  farmer,  "  offered  my 
boys  a  cent  apiece  for  frogs  ;  said  he  liked  'em  fried ;  but 
that  was  a  blind,  you  know.  I  told  the  boys  they  had 
better  have  no  dealin's  with  him,  for  Satan's  money  burns 
the  fingers.     I  tell  you  what,  it's  my  opinion  that  the  law- 


204  THE   PHILOSOPHERS    OF  foufouville. 

abidin',  God-fearin'  people  ought  to  turn  out  and  burn  their 
cussed  place  down  to  the  ground." 

"And  tar  and  feather  the  hull  crew,"  said  the  'long- 
shoreman. 

"  I  wouldn't  harm  the  women-folks,"  said  the  red-faced 
young  man,  "  though  I  do  believe  they're  nothing  better 
nor  witches,  for  I  met  one  on  'em  myself,  a  lean,  yaller- 
haired  critter,  one  day,  in  the  woods  a-gathering  catnip 
and  other  yerbs  to  bile. in  the  black  pot.  I  made  tracks 
from  that  place  mighty  quick,  I  did." 

"  There's  a  fat  old  fellow  who  seems  to  be  the  head 
devil,"  said  the  tow-headed  bumpkin.  "  One  evening 
about  sundown  I  see  him  a-sittin'  in  the  garden  porin'  over 
a  book  ;  so  I  crep'  up  along  the  fence,  very  quiet-like,  and 
what  do  you  think?  He  was  a-readin'  out  loud,  and  it 
was  a  lingo  nobody  couldn't  understand,  —  regular  necro- 
mancy talk  it  was.  I  crawled  away  faster  than  I  went. 
Why,  look  !  There's  one  of  the  blood-thirsty  varmints  out- 
side a-swallerin'  oysters.  I've  seen  him  more  nor  onst 
when  I've  been  a-passin'  by  the  place.  He's  ginerally 
talkin'  to  the  yaller-haired  woman.  Jimini !  How  he 
does  put  'em  down !  You'd  think  he  hadn't  eat  for  a 
week." 

Peewit  now  became  the .  unconscious  focus  of  many 
eyes. 

"  Let's  call  him  up  and  pump  him,"  said  the  'long- 
shoreman. 

"  It's  mighty  little  j^ou'll  get  out  of  him,"  answered  the 
farmer;  "for  evil-doers  aren't  accustomed  to  blab  their 
secrets  to  everybody." 

Peewit  had  now  finished  the  oysters,  and  was  staring 
around,  at  a  loss  what  next  to  do  with  himself. 


THE    PHILOSOPHERS    OF   FOUFOUVILLE .  205 

"  A  man  can't  do  nothin'  unless  he  tries,"  answered  the 
'longshoreman;  and  then,  going  up  to  Peewit,  he  said, 
by  way  of  introducing  himself  politely,  — 

"  Stranger,  what'll  yer  drink?  " 

"  Soda-water,  thank  you,"  replied  Peewit,  who  really 
felt  very  thirsty. 

"  That's  a  good  un,"  said  the  other.  "  A  man  asks  yer 
what  yer'll  drink,  and  yer  say  '  soda-water.'  There  aint 
no  Maine  law  in  Jersey.  Will  yer  take  rum  or  whis- 
key?" 

Now  Peewit  of  course  knew  that  strong  drink  was  a 
tabooed  article  among  Harmonians ;  but  then,  was  he, 
strictly  speaking,  any  longer  a  member  of  the  society? 
There  was  room  for  doubt  on  this  point ;  but  there  was 
no  doubt  whatever  that  the  mishaps  of  the  morning 
.weighed  heavy  on  his  spirits,  while  the  oysters  laid  heavy 
on  his  stomach.  He  had  often  heard  the  doctor  say, 
that  a  desperate  disease  required  a  desperate  remedy, 
and  what  case  could  be  more  so  than  his?  He  felt  that 
both  physically  and  mentally  he  needed  some  stimulant. 
A  single  glass,  instead  of  doing  him  harm,  would  do  him 
good,  and  who  would  ever  know  that  he  had  taken  it? 

•*  Well,  I  don't  care  if  I  do  take  a  glass  of  rum,"  were 
the  words  with  which  he  accepted  the  polite  invitation  of 
'longshoreman. 

The  two  then  entered  the  saloon,  walked  up  to  the  bar, 
and  drank  the  liquor,  having  of  course  complied  with  the 
customary  preliminary  ceremony  of  striking  the  glasses 
together  and  saying,  "  Here's  luck." 

Peewit  who  had  not  tasted  anything  stronger  than  cat- 
nip-tea since  he  became  a  Harmonian,  smacked  his  lips 
18 


206  THE    PHILOSOPHERS    OF   FOUFOUVILLE. 

with  satisfaction  as  he  felt  the  fiery  liquid  going  down  his 
throat. 

The  red-faced  young  man,  who  had  recoiled  as  the 
dreaded  Ilarmonian  passed,  now  said  to  the  former  in  a 
whisper,  — 

"  That's  the  way  to  work  him.  They're  sworn  to  se- 
crecy, you  know." 

"Nothin's  wus,"  said  the  farmer,  "than  to  eat  cold 
isters  without  drinking.  My  rule  is,  a  pint  of  liquor  to 
a  pint  of  isters.  Let's  liquor  ag'in.  Hot  Jamaicy  all 
round." 

"  Make  it  a  stiffencr,"  said  the  'longshoreman,  in  an 
undertone  to  the  bar-tender. 

II  rCy  a  que  le  premier  pas  qui  coute.  (Would  that  this 
applied  to  tight  boots!)  Peewit  swallowed  the  stiffen- 
er,with  even  less  compunctions  of  conscience  than  the 
first  glass,  although  it  brought  the  tears  to  his  eyes. 
Then,  thinking  that  courtesy  required  him  to  make  some 
acknowledgment,  he  begged  to  have  the  honor  of  treating 
the  company,  —  an  honor  that  was  willingly  accorded  him. 

"  You  are  a  stranger  in  these  ere  parts  I  should  guess  ?" 
said  the  former. 

"  No,"  answered  Peewit ;  "  I  am  from  the  phalan- 
stery." 

"  Indeed  !  "  said  the  'longshoreman,  with  affected  sur- 
prise.    "  You  have  a  gay  time  up  there,  don't  you?  " 

"  I  wish  we  had,"  replied  Peewit. 

"  That's  a  good  un,"  rejoined  the  other.  "  Now  tell  us 
how  many  you  keep." 

"  How  many  what  ?  " 

"  Why,  women-folks  of  course." 

"  Three,"  answered  Peewit,  who  did  not  suppose  that 


THE    PHILOSOPHERS    OF   F0UF0UV1LLE.  207 

the  question  could  have  reference  solely  to  his  own  con- 
nubial arrangement.  "  Only  three  at  present,  but  I  ex- 
pect there  will  be  hundreds  more  before  the  summer  is 
over." 

The  inquisitors  exchanged  glances  of  unfeigned  aston- 
ishment and  disgust  at  the  awful  turpitude  of  Mr.  Pee- 
wit. 

"No  wonder  the  fellow  looks  played  out,"  said  tho 
'longshoreman  to  the  farmer. 

"  He's  wus,"  whispered  the  latter,  "  nor  the  king  of  the 
Cannibal  Islands  that  Parson  Knox  tells  us  about,  for 
that  pagan  only  has  ninety-nine." 

"  I'd  like  to  spend  a  month  or  so  there,  just  to  expose 
'em,"  said  the  red-faced  young  man. 

"What  becomes  of  all  the  young  uns?"  asked  the 
farmer. 

"  What  young  ones  ?  "  answered  Peewit.  "  We  have  no 
young  ones." 

"  He  is  on  his  guard,"  whispered  the  'longshoreman. 
"Bar-tender,  drinks  all  round ;  Jarsey  lightnin'." 

One  —  two  —  three  —  four  more  drinks  were  taken. 
The  farmer  then  returned  to  the  charge. 

"  Do  you  mean  to  tell  us,"  said  he,  "  that  no  children 
result  from  your  miscellaneous  arrangement?" 

"  None  of  us  have  had  any,  excepting  the  doctor,"  re- 
plied Pewitt ;  "  and  he  has  buried  all  but  one." 

"  Buried  'em  alive  ?  "  asked  the  tow-headed  boy,  turn- 
ing pale. 

"  Yes,"  answered  the  reckless  Peewit,  who  was  rapidly 
getting  fuddled,  and  did  not  clearly  comprehend  the  ques- 
tion.    "  Yes,  we're  all  buried  alive  in  that  infernal  hole." 


208  THE    PHILOSOPHERS   OF  FOVFOUVILLE. 

"  Oh  !  the  bloody  wretches ! "  exclaimed  all  in  chorus. 
"  Let's  lynch  the  fellow  —  skin  hirn  alive  —  pitch  him  in 
the  pond." 

"  Softly,  boys,  softly,"  said  the  farmer.  "  Keep  still. 
I'll  manage  it.  Come^  friend,  come  along  with  us  a  little 
way,  and  we'll  give  you  a  big  drink,"  he  continued,  giving 
Peewit  a  shake,  for  that  gentleman  was  becoming  some- 
what oblivious,  his  eyes  being  half  closed,  and  his  chin 
resting  on  his  breast  as  if  he  had  no  strength  in  the  mus- 
cles of  his  neck.     "  Come  along  with  us." 

"NurT  said,  ole  fell'r,"  answered  Peewit.  "Who's 
afraid?  (Hiccup.)  Lead  on  —  Pm  wish  yer  —  for  you're  a 
jolly  ole  boy  !  —  Ha !  ha !  ha !  Reminds  me  of  ole  times 
—  'fore  Strongsham  got  me.  "What  a  fool  I  wash !  but 
ish  all  right  now.     (Hiccup.) 

"  '  For  we  won't  go  home  till  mornin', 
Till  daylight  dosh  appear.' 

Ila !  ha  !     Goojoke  —  goodjoke." 

In  this  manner,  laughing,  singing,  and  talking  non- 
sense, the  most  unlucky  of  Harmonians  was  inveigled, 
staggering  towards  an  adjacent  pond.  On  arriving  at  the 
brink,  he  was  suddenly  seized  by  eight  strong  arms  (for, 
like  the  assassins  of  Ccesar,  all  these  ministers  of  justice 
wished  to  have  a  hand  in  the  deed) ,  and,  while  actually 
calling  it  a  "  goodjoke,"  tossed  into  the  water. 

"  Take  that,  you  bigamous  Turk,"  cried  the  'longshore- 
man. 

"  This  is  what  we  call  the  water-cure,"  said  the 
farmer. 

As  the  water  was  only  about  live  feet  deep,  Peewit  now 


THE    PHILOSOPHERS    OF    FOUFOUVILLE.  209 

came  spluttering  to  the  surface,  and,  puffing  and  blowing, 
scrambled  ashore. 

"  Duck  him  ag'in  —  cluck  him  ag'in,"  shouted  his  quon- 
dam friends,  seizing  him  as  before,  and  throwing  him 
in  again,  with  shouts  of  laughter  mingled  with  execrations 
and  epithets  more  forcible  than  polite. 

Peewit'  scrambled  out  a  second  time,  and  a  third  time 
was  tossed  in. 

"  That  will  cool  you  off,  you  infamous  Mormon ! "  cried 
one  of  his  tormentors,  as  soon  as  his  head  emerged  once 
more.     "  You  must  need  it  with  all  your  women." 

"  "Wo-wo-women !  "  blubbered  the  half-drowned  victim, 
standing  up  to  his  neck  in  the  water  ;  "  why  they  wo-wo- 
won't  let  me  co-come  within  ten  feet  of  my  own  wife." 

"  Tell  that  to  the  marines,"  the  'longshoreman  called 
out.     "  You  can't  git  off  by  lyin'  now  ;  it's  too  late." 

"  Oh  !  Oh !  I've  had  enough ;  let  me  go  ! "  cried  the 
shivering  sufferer,  in  piteous  accents. 

"  You  aint  had  enough  to  wash  away  your  sins,"  cried 
the  farmer. 

As  Peewit  persisted  in  standing  in  the  water,  for  he  did 
not  dare  to  come  out  again,  the  four  indignant  citizens 
amused  themselves  by  pelting  him  for  some  time  with 
mud,  and  finally  walked  away,  filled  with  the  proud  con- 
sciousness of  having  performed  a  most  just  and  praise- 
worthy exploit.  The  red-faced  young  man,  however, 
seemed  to  be  seized  with  a  slight  feeling  of  commiseration 
for  the  luckless  victim  of  perfidy,  and,  on  leaving,  de- 
posited a  bottle  of  brandy  on  the  ground  for  his  benefit. 

Leaving  the  drenched  and  partially  sobered  Peewit  to 
make  his  way  to  dry  land,  we  will  take  a  glance  at  the 
course  of  events  at  Harmony  Hall. 
18* 


210  THE    rniLOSOPIIERS    OF    FOUFOUVILLE. 

A  bottle  of  hartshorn  in  the  hands  of  Dr.  Goodenough 
had  recalled  Mrs.  Strongitharm  to  consciousness.  Loud 
were  her  lamentations  over  the  remains  of  Jack,  and 
bitter  her  objurgations  against  his  executioner.  The  two 
pieces  of  the  defunct  quadruped  were  gathered  together, 
and,  by  her  directions,  placed  in  a  macaroni  box  and 
solemnly  interred.  She  seemed  to  grieve  unaffectedly  for 
the  loss  of  her  pet,  showing  that  even  the  strongest  of 
the  strong-minded  possess  much  of  the  woman  ;  but,  after 
the  first  outburst  of  her  regret  was  over,  she  said  little. 
Those  who  knew  her,  however,  pitied  Peewit. 

That  gentleman's  absence  was  remarked  at  dinner. 

"  It  is  strange,"  said  the  doctor,  "  for  he  is  usually  so 
punctual  at  meal-times." 

The  rest  of  the  company,  however,  did  not  think  that 
under  the  circumstances  it  was  very  surprising. 

Supper  came,  but  no  Peewit. 

"  I  hope  nothing  can  have  happened  to  him,"  said  Miss 
Griffin. 

"  Probably  only  fled  from  the  wrath  to  come,"  said 
Lovcll. 

Mrs.  Strongitharm  gave  the  speaker  a  withering  glance. 

At  last  a  familiar  voice  was  heard  outside  singing,  then 
an  unsteady  step  in  the  hall ;  the  door  opened,  and  the 
absentee  staggered  in,  —  hatless,  coatless,  covered  with 
mud  from  head  to  foot,  and  dripping  wet.  ■  Swinging  an 
empty  bottle  in  his  hand,  he  sang  in  drunken  glee  as  he 
tottered  forward,  — 

"  '  Oh !  Bowery  gals,  won't  you  como  out  to-night, 
Won't  you  como  out  to-night, 
"Won't  you  come  out  to-night? 
Oh!  Bowery  gals,  won't  you  come  out  to-night, 

And  dansh  by  the  light  of  the  moon  ?  ' " 


THE    PHILOSOPHERS    OF   FOUFOUVJLLE.  211 

"  Merciful  Heavens  !  "  exclaimed  Miss  Griffin.  "  "What 
is  the  matter  with' Joseph?  " 

"  He  is  drunk,"  said  Professor  Malpest. 

The  doctor  looked  up  perfectly  aghast  with  astonish- 
ment. He  seemed  riveted  to  his  chair  ;  and,  although  his 
mouth  was  wide  open,  he  did  not  utter  a  word. 

Mrs.  Strongitharm  sat  stern  and  impassable,  with  her 
eyes  fixed  on  the  recreant  Harmonian. 

"Where's  Lishabet?"  said  the  latter,  staggering  to- 
wards the  table.  "Where's  Lishabet?  Come,  ole  gal, 
dansh  wi'  me  ;  polky,  schottish,  anything  ;  come  along,  — 


' '  For  we  won't  go  home  till  monrin', 
Till  daylight  dosh  appear.'  " 


Mr.  Peewit  now  got  hold  of  a  chair  and  made  a 
ludicrous  attempt  to  dance  a  jig  with  it ;  but  the  perform- 
ance ended  with  a  break-down,  for  he  fell  heavily  upon 
the  floor,  knocking  off  two  of  his  partner's  legs. 

"  This  is  a  sorrowful  sight,"  said  the  doctor. 

"  Oh,  it  is  heart-rending ! "  answered  Miss  Griffin, 
hiding  her  face  in  her  handkerchief. 

Professor  Malpest  stuffed  his  napkin  into  his  moutb, 
and  seemed  to  be  undergoing  a  fearful  internal  struggle 
to  suppress  the  manifestation  of  his  emotions. 

The  expression  of  concentrated  wrath  and  disgust 
visible  in  the  eyes  of  Mrs.  Strongitharm  would  have 
petrified  the  gay  Peewit,  if  his  vision  had  not  been  obfus- 
cated by  liquor. 

Charity  whispered  something  to  Leander,  who  rose, 
and,  taking  him  by  the  arm,  said,  — 

"Peewit,  my  clear  fellow,  you  had  better  go  to  bed. 
Come  with  me." 


212  THE    MILOSOPIIERS    OF    F0UF0UV1LLE. 

"Whof  for?"  answered  Peewit,  who  was  still  sitting 
on  the  floor  amidst  the  ruins  of  the  chair.  "Whof  for 
gotobed?" 

"  Because  you  are  intoxicated." 

"  I  intoshicate  !  That's  a  good  un.  Ha  !  ha  !  ha  !  " 
answered  the  hilarious  gentleman,  with  a  silly  simper. 

"What  have  you  been  drinking,  sir?"  asked  Mrs. 
Strongitkarm,  sternly. 

"  Drinkin' !  I  drinkin' !  Do  I  look  as  hif  been  drinkin'  ?  " 
replied  Peewit,  with  a  stupid  leer.  "If  drunk — mush 
be  ze  oyshters  —  oyshters  did  it." 

"Oysters!"  cried  the  doctor.  "Has  brother  Joseph 
been  tempted  to  eat  oysters,  —  oysters,  which  contain  the 
living  principle  ?  Has  the  sin  of  gluttony  found  its  way 
into  Harmony  Hall  ?     Is  the  apple  turned  to  an  oyster  ?  " 

"  Yesh,"  said  Peewit ;  "  four  doshen  raw." 

"  Raw?  then  he  eat  'em  alive  !  "  exclaimed  the  doctor, 
with  a  look  of  dismay. 

Professor  Malpest  showed  the  whites  of  his  eyes,  and 
then  going  up  to  Peewit  caught  the  almost  helpless  Har- 
rnonian  by  the  legs,  while  Lovell  took  him  by  the  arms, 
and,  lifting  him  from  the  floor,  they  carried  him  up  to  bed, 
in  spite  of  his  kicking  and  struggling,  and  the  continued 
reiteration  of  his  assertion  that  he  wouldn't  go  home  till 
morning. 

The  next  day,  when  Peewit  opened  his  eyes,  the  awful 
form  of  Mrs.  Strongitharm  loomed  up  before  him,  stand- 
ing by  his  bedside.  The  unhappy  Utopian  instantly 
buried  his  head  under  the  quilt. 

"  You  may  well  hide  your  face  in  shame,"  said  she, 
"  after  your  atrocity  of  the  morning,  and  disgracing  your- 
self in  the  evening.     But  I  shall  waste  no  words  on  you. 


THE    PHILOSOPHERS    OF    FOUFOUVILLE.  213 

I  shall  no  longer  sully  my  good  name  by  alliance  with 
such  an  incorrigible  profligate.  The  copartnership  be- 
tween us  is  dissolved." 

Peewit  looked  up  with  an  expression  of  hope. 

"  It  will  be  useless  for  you  to  implore,"  continued  the 
termagant;  "my  decision  is  irrevocable.  Henceforth, 
you  cun  follow  your  own  path  to  perdition.  I  leave  you 
to  your  reflections."  And  so  saying,  the  incensed  dame, 
with  a  look  of  withering  scorn  at  the  recreant  and  very 
much  relieved  Peewit,  swept  out  of  the  room. 

He  breathed  more  freely. 

"  Thank  God,  it  is  over  ! "  he  said.  Then  he  tried  to 
go  to  sleep  again,  but  could  not ;  for  he  felt  sick  at  the 
stomach  and  had  a  raging  headache.  But  the  feelings  of 
deep  contrition  and  repentance,  that  he  had  experienced 
on  awakening,  had  been  singularly  modified  by  the  happy 
turn  that  had  been  given  to  his  case  by  Mrs.  Strongitharm. 

He  had  been  turning  uneasily  on  his  pillow  for  some 
time,  when  he  heard  a  light  tap  at  his  door.  'Miss  Griffin 
entered. 

"  Joseph,"  said  she,  "  you  do  not  appear  well.  I  am 
sorry  for  you,  and  have  brought  you  a  piece  of  toast  and 
a  cup  of  catnip  tea." 

"  She  is  a  cherub,"  said  Peewit  to  himself;  and  then, 
in  the  exuberance  of  his  gratitude,  he  extended  both 
arms,  and  with  the  tea  in  one  hand  and  the  toast 
in  the  other,  repeated,  in  a  husky  voice,  Scott's  beautiful 
lines,  — 

" '  0  woman!  in  our  hours  of  ease 
Uncertain,  coy,  and  hard  to  please ; 
When  pain  and  anguish  wring  the  brow, 
A  ministering  angel,  thou.' 


214  THE    rniLOSOPIIERS    OF  FOUFOUVILLE. 

"  O  Miss  Minerva,  Low  different  you  are  from  Mrs. 
Strongitharm ! " 

"Woman,"  answered  Miss  Griffin,  "was  not  created 
to  exist  for  self;  her  nature  is  too  deep  ;  her  sympathies 
too  cosmopolitan.  She  has  a  mission  to  fulfil  on  earth, 
—  a  mission  of  love.' 

"  She  don't  seem  to  think  so,"  replied  Peewit,  sipping 
the  tea  and  nibbling  at  the  toast. 

"She?  She  is  not  a  true  woman,"  answered  Miss 
Minerva. 

"  She  is  an  ogre,"  exclaimed  Peewit ;  but,  could  his 
sight  have  penetrated  the  door,  his  tongue  would  have 
cloven  to  the  roof  of  his  mouth,  for  the  outraged  object 
of  his  vituperation  stood  listening  behind  it. 

"  She  is  a  half  man,  like  her  dress,"  said  Miss  Griffin. 
"  No  wonder  she  has  driven  you  to  desperation.  She  is 
too  masculine,  Joseph,  to  appreciate  the  delicacy  of  your 
nature." 

"  She  is  feminine  enough  to  understand  yours,  you 
hussy  !  "  cried  Mrs.  Strongitharm,  bursting  into  the  room. 
".You  coarse,  impudent  female,  to  come  here  debauching 
my  partner  !  And  what  have  you  to  say  for  yourself,  sir  ? 
You  drunken  brute  !  you  weak-spirited  shadow  of  a  man !  " 
she  continued,  turning  fiercely  towards  Peewit,  who 
shrunk  to  the  farther  side  of  the  bed,  and  barricaded  him- 
self behind  a  fortification  of  bolsters  and  pillows.  How- 
ever he  must  have  been  still  somewhat  reckless  from  his 
recent  carouse,  for  he  answered  her  with  unwonted  temer- 
ity,— 

"Madam,  your  apartment  is  at  the  other  end  of  the 
house." 

" He  dares  to  answer  me!"  screamed  Mrs.  Strong- 


THE    PHILOSOPHERS    OF  FOUFOUVILLE.  215 

itharm.  "  He  dares  to  answer  me !  This  is  your  work,  you 
yellow-haired  siren  !  you  green-eyed  monster !  But  my 
name  is  not  Elizabeth  Strongitharm  or  you  shall  repent  of 
it ;  "  and  with  that  she  seized  Miss  Griffin  by  the  hair  with 
one  hand,  while  with  the  other  she  wrenched  off  her  ele- 
gant jockey  hat.  But  the  blood  of  all  the  Griffins  was 
up,  and  with  her  nails  the  furious  maiden  scratched  the 
face  of  her  assailant,  and  tore  her  lace  collar  to  shreds. 
The  shrieks  and  screams  of  the  ladies  now  rang  through 
the  building,  chairs  and  tables  were  overturned,  while 
ribbons  and  hair  flew  in  all  directions. 

Peewit  jumped  out  of  bed,  spilling  the  hot  tea  over  his 
bare  legs,  which  made  him  howl  with  pain,  and  endeav- 
ored to  thrust  a  bolster  between  the  amazons,  but,  as  he 
did  so,  the  Griffin's  claws,  in  scratching  about  wildly, 
came  in  contact  with  his  cheeks,  leaving  five  blood-stained 
lines,  while  the  fist  of  the  Strongitharm,  directed  at  the 
head  of  her  adversary,  landed  upon  his  interposed  nose, 
causing  the  blood  to  fairly  spout. 

The  awful  commotion  alarmed  the  whole  household,  and 
everybody  came  rushing  to  the  scene  of  battle. 

The  doctor  arrived  first,  puffing  and  blowing,  and  almost 
out  of  breath  with  the  exertion  of  hurrying  upstairs. 

The  combat  ceased  at  his  presence. 

"  Why — why — why  ! "  he  exclaimed  ;  "  what's  this?  — 
what's  this  ?  Discord  in  Harmony  Hall !  I  am  astonished 
—  astonished !  Have  you  forgotten  the  precepts  of  St. 
Augustine  ?  Ira  furor  est.  What's  the  matter  ?  What's 
the  matter  ?  " 

Both  the  ladies  began  vociferating  at  once,  and  the 
epithets  of  "  Hussy,"  "  Strumpet,"  "  Shameful  woman," 
"  Abandoned  female,"  "  Vile  creature,"  "  Hateful  thing," 


216  THE    rniLOSOPIlERS    OF  FOUFOVVILLE. 

and  other  choice  expressions  of  feminine  wrath  were  freely 
bandied  about,  until  the  two  women  were  actually  on  the 
point  of  recommencing  the  row,  when  the  doctor  seized 
Mrs.  Strongitharm  in  his  arms,  while  Mr.  Lovell  did  the 
same  to  Miss  Griffin.  The  irate  and  highly  excited  ladies 
were  then  forcibly  borne  to  their  respective  rooms,  where 
the  doctor  advised  them  to  spend  the  rest  of  the  day  in 
silent  reflection,  and,  by  way  of  balm  to  their  wounded 
feelings,  sent  each  of  them  a  copy  of  "  Hervey's  Medita- 
tions "  and  a  bottle  of  Mrs.  Winslow's  Soothing  Syrup. 

Professor  Malpest  had  peeped  in  during  the  scrimmage, 
but,  thinking  from  appearances  that  a  sort  of  free  fight 
was  in  progress,  fled  to  the  cupola,  where  he  locked  him- 
self in  and  stayed  till  dinner-time. 

The  doctor  had  been  sorely  troubled  by  the  riotous  and 
disgraceful  conduct  of  Peewit  on  the  preceding  evening, 
and  the  additional  vexation  of  spirit  caused  by  the  igno- 
minious wrangle  between  the  ladies  almost  threw  him  into 
a  fever.  It  was  clear  to  his  mind  that  Peewit,  the  fallen 
Peewit,  was  the  primary  cause  of  all  the  disturbance  ;  but 
it  was  not  in  his  nature  to  inflict  cruel  or  unusual  pun- 
ishments (excepting  in  the  form  of  long  discourses)  ;  in 
fact,  any  penalty  inflicted  on  the  culprit  would  have  been 
felt  more  severely  by  the  tender-hearted  old  doctor  than 
by  the  sinner  himself.  Yet  would  it  be  safe  to  permit 
such  a  disorderly  and  abandoned  character  to  continue 
with  his  flock,  without  taking  some  means  to  check  his 
vicious  propensities,  and  prevent  his  example  from  infect- 
ing others  ?  In  his  perplexity  he  walked  up  and  down  his 
study,  with  his  hands  behind  his  back,  shaking  his  head, 
and  anon  muttering  passages  from  Aristotle  and  Marcus 
Aurelius.     The  dinner  hour  found  him  still  undecided. 


THE    PHILOSOPHERS    OF  FOUFOUVLLLE.  217 

Peewit  did  not  come  down  to  the  table,  but  remained 
in  his  room.  The  excitement  of  the  morning  broil  had 
driven  away  his  headache ;  but  he  was  ashamed  to  show 
his  face. 

The  dinner  that  day  was  a  mournful  meal.  The  doctor 
did  not  utter  a  word,  and  the  rest  of  the  party,  out  of 
respect,  and  partly  because  their  feelings  also  oppressed 
them,  remained  silent.  Hardly  anything  was  eaten,  for, 
with  the  exception  of  Professor  Malpest,  no  one  had  any 
appetite. 

When  the  cloth  was  removed,  the  doctor  slowly  and 
solemnly  rose,  raised  his  spectacles  to  his  forehead,  and 
proceeded  to  address  the  company,  looking  (as  Lovell 
afterwards  said)  like  a  Lord  Chancellor  holding  a  High 
Court  of  Justice  over  the  dinner-table. 

"My  dear  brethren,"  said  he,  "look  at  me,  and 
behold  the  calmness,  the  serenity  that  is  derived  from 
overcoming  the  evil  passions  of  the  heart.  As  St.  Augus- 
tine tells  us,  '  Quod  partes  iroe  atque  libidinis  tarn  vitiose 
moventer,  ut  eas  necesse  sit  frenis  sapientioe  cohiberi ; ' 
we  must  subject  our  anger  and  our  lust  to  the  bridle  of 
wisdom. 

"  The  petty  trials  and  privations  incident  to  our  short 
probation  on  earth  cannot  disturb  my  equanimity.  I 
mention  this,  not  for  the  sake  of  personal  glorification, 
but  because,  although  in  youth  my  appetites  were  strong, 
my  humble  efforts  to  keep  down  the  spirit  of  self-indul- 
gence have  at  last  been  crowned  with  success  ;  which  is  a 
practical  proof  that  this  happy  condition  can  be  obtained 
by  those  who  earnestly  strive  for  it." 

"If  they  live  long  enough,"  said  Leander,  sotto  voce. 

"  If  we  give  way  to  one  debasing  passion,"  continued 
19 


218         the  rniLOSOPHEns  of  foufouville. 

the  doctor,  "  others  will  rise  up  to  torment  us ;  love  is 
attended  by  jealousy ;  jealousy  by  hatred ;  hatred  by 
envy,  malice,  and  all  uncharitableness  ;  and  we  are  liable 
at  any  moment  to  become  lost  in  anger,  for  '  ira  furor 
brevis  est,'  as  Piccolomineus  says. 

"When  the  rules  and  regulations  of  this  establishment 
were  drawn  up,  no  provision  was  made  for  such  scandal- 
ous and  calamitous  occurrences  as  have  shocked  us  during 
the  last  twenty-four  hours.  Such  doings  could  not  be 
foreseen.  I  supposed  that  the  potent  voice  of  reason 
would  ever  be  found  sufficient  to  sway  the  weak  or  the 
unworthy  in  this  peaceful  abode  ;  but,  alas  !  our  error  is 
now  manifest,  and  it  is  with  infinite  pain  that  I  acknowl- 
edge, what  is  patent  to  us  all,  that  some  members  of  this 
society  have  shown  themselves  still  tainted  with  the 
leaven  of  the  world.  Brother  Joseph  Peewit  must  be  held 
responsible  as  the  chief  author  of  the  disgrace  that  has 
befallen  us.  He  stands  convicted,  by  his  own  confession, 
of  having  eaten  live  oysters  ;  and,  as  one  crime  infallibly 
leads  to  another,  his  gluttony  (to  use  a  mild  term)  was 
followed  by  the  imbibation  of  strong  drink,  whereby  he 
became  helplessly  inebriated  ;  and,  as  if  with  a  deliberate 
intention  to  drive  us  all  to  despair,  he  followed  up  the 
revel  of  yesterday,  as  we  all  know  too  well,  by  this  morn- 
ing exciting  a  dreadful  disturbance  among  some  of  the 
female  members  of  the  society.  I  consider  him  an  ex- 
ceedingly dangerous  person,  and  would  like  to  have  your 
opinions  as  to  what  is  the  best  course  to  pursue  under 
these  distressing  circumstances." 

"  My  opinion,"  said  Professor  Malpest,  "  is  this : 
since  he  has  been  guilty  of  intemperance  in  food  and 
drink,  let  him  be  put  on  a  diet  of  bread   and  water  for 


THE    PHILOSOPHERS    OF   FOUFOUVILLE.  219 

one  week.  Since  he  has  created  trouble  among  the  ladies, 
let  him  be  prohibited  from  speaking  to  them  during  his 
probation.  This  would  satisfy  the  requirements  of  strict 
justice." 

Mrs.  Strongitharm  and  Miss  Griffin  now  both  began 
talking  at  once,  as  loud  and  as  fast  as  they  could ;  but 
Mrs.  Strongitharm  having  the  more  powerful  organ,  she 
shut  up  her  rival,  or,  to  speak  more  correctly,  succeeded 
in  making  herself  heard  in  spite  of  her. 

"  Leave  him  to  me,"  said  she  ;  "  I'll  manage  him, —  I'll 
bring  him  to  reason." 

"  You  bring  him  to  reason ! "  screamed  Miss  Griffin. 
"  It  is  you  who  have  driven  him  to  despair." 

"  Better  leave  him  to  himself,"  said  Lovell ;  "  his  head- 
ache will  be  a  stronger  argument  than  any  other." 

After  a  protracted  and  animated  discussion,  the  council 
broke  up  without  having  come  to  any  definite  conclusion. 

The  doctor  retired  to  his  study,  and  soon  afterwards 
sent  for  Peewit,  who  obeyed  the  summons  with  the  air  of 
a  criminal  going  to  execution.  What  passed  at  the  in- 
terview, we  unfortunately  have  not  been  able  to  ascer- 
tain ;  but  the  door  was  ajar,  and  Miss  Griffin,  who  hap- 
pened to  pass  by  two  or  three  times,  heard  the  doctor 
quoting  Greek  and  Latin  to  Peewit,  who  was  sitting  on 
a  stool,  with  his  hands  on  his  knees,  which  were  close  to- 
gether, like  an  Egyptian  statue, —  the  image  of  resignation. 
At  the  expiration  of  an  hour,  Peewit  emerged  looking 
very  weary,  and  carrying  in  one  hand  a  vial  of  spirits  of 
camphor,  and,  in  the  other,  the  "  Regeneration  of  Man." 
He  threw  the  book  under  a  table,  and  then  directed  his 
steps  to  the  grove  at  the  end  of  the  garden,  tossing  the 
vial  of  camphor  over  the  fence  on  his  way,  and  sat  down 


220  THE    rniLOSOPJJEES    OF   FOUFOUVILLE. 

on  a  bench,  with  his  hands  in  his  pockets,  in  the  posi- 
tion of  the  rake  in  Hogarth's  picture  of  the  "  Morning 
after  the  Marriage."  Miss  Griffin  soon  joined  him,  and 
they  were  observed,  for  a  long  time,  in  close  and  earnest 
conversation. 

After  the  departure  of  Peewit,  Professor  Malpcst  en- 
tered the  doctor's  study,  and,  apparently  choking  with 
suppressed  emotion,  declared  that  he  was  almost  over- 
come with  grief  at  the  scandalous  and  deplorable  events 
that  had  transpired. 

"  Such,"  said  he,  "  is  the  consequence  of  admitting 
persons  into  the  society  whose  minds  are  not  sufficiently 
matured  by  years  to  comprehend  and  follow  up  the  ex- 
alted doctrines  of  Harmonianism.  The  sooner  all  such 
disreputable  characters  were  got  rid  of,  the  better  it  would 
be  for  those  who  remained." 

He  did  not  refer  particularly  to  brother  Joseph  ;  there 
were  others  whose  presence  he  feared  would  be  even 
more  disastrous  to  the  younger  sisters,  unless  means 
were  taken  to  counteract  the  effect  of  their  manoGuvres. 
Women  are  so  completely  the  creatures  of  impulse,  that, 
when  the  promptings  of  nature  begin  to  be  felt,  the  pres- 
ence of  a  man  —  a  man  whose  passions  are  subordinate 
to  his  reason  —  is  required  as  a  monitor  and  guide.  He 
then  reminded  the  doctor  that  the  month  which  had  been 
granted  to  Miss  Charity  before  giving  her  adhesion  to  her 
father's  most  admirable  plan  for  her  welfare  had  now 
passed. 

"It  is  up  to-day,  dear  brother,"  said  the  doctor  ;  "  and 
I  will  immediately  send  for  my  daughter,  and  you  shall  be 
affianced." 


THE    PHILOSOPHERS    OF   FOUFOUVILLE.  221 

"  I  fear,  sir,"  answered  the  professor,  "  you  will  find 
that  a  malign  influence  has  been  exercised  over  her  young 
mind  by  one  who  has  no  claim  upon  her." 

"  What  do  you  mean?    Whom  do  you  refer  to?  " 

"  I  refer,  sir,  to  one  who  has  forced  himself  upon  us 
unasked  ;  who  has  never  read  one  line  of  your  immortal 
works,  and  is  incapable  of  understanding  them  like  a  true 
Harmonian ;  to  one  still  tainted  with  the  leaven  of  the 
world,  and  who  continues  amongst  us  with  no  other  inten- 
tion than  to  instil  the  subtle  poison  of  passion,  with  which 
he  is  himself  affected,  into  the  heart  of  jrour  daughter.  I 
refer  to  that  witless  reprobate,  Leander  Lovell." 

"Can  such  depravity  be  possible?"  said  the  doctor; 
"  and  that,  too,  after  I  have  clearly  explained  to  him  the 
nature  and  consequences  of  that  infirmity,  together  with 
the  remedies  prescribed  by  the  greatest  philosophers  of 
ancient  times.     I  am  astonished." 

"  Behold,  sir,  the  confirmation  of  my  words,"  said  the 
professor,  pointing  to  Charity  and  Leander,  who  were 
strolling  through  the  garden  hand  in  hand.       • 

"  It  is  incredible,  incredible.  I  can  hardly  believe  the 
evidence  of  my  senses,"  said  the  doctor,  going  to  the 
window  and  calling  to  the  lovers,  whom  he  ordered  some- 
what peremptorily  to  come  to  him  at  once. 

"  You  may  need  to  exert  all  your  firmness,  sir,"  said 
the  professor,  "  for  it  is  possible  that  she  may  even  prove 
wanting  in  filial  obedience." 

Charity  and  Leander  entered  the  study. 

"  My  child,"  said  the   doctor,  taking  his  daughter  by 

the  hand,  "  the  month  that  you  very  properly  asked,  for 

the  purpose  of  meditating  upon  the  new  duties  that  are 

about  to  devolve  upon  you,  has  now  elapsed,  and  I  have 

19* 


222  the  rniLOSornERS  of  foufouville. 

called  you  to  mo  to  name  the  day  when  you  will  be  united 
to  the  man  of  my  choice." 

"  Papa,"  said  Charity,  imploringly,  "  do  not  ask  me  to 
marry  that  person." 

"  Why  not,  my  dear  ?  " 

"  Because  I  am  utterly  indifferent  to  him." 

"  That  is  all  the  better,"  answered  the  doctor ;  "  you 
will  thus  be  enabled  to  fulfil  the  duties  imposed  upon  you 
by  your  sex,  solely  from  a  sense  of  obedience  to  the 
divine  command  to —  ;  but  I  need  not  explain  this 
now." 

"  If  I  became  his  wife,  I  should  hate  him.  I  hate  him 
now." 

"  Hate ! "  said  the  doctor.  "  How  can  such  a  senti- 
ment have  found  its  way  into  Harmony  Hall?  You 
should  strive  to  overcome  such  feelings.  But  3*011  cannot 
do  it  alone  ;  your  mind  is  too  weak  ;  you  require  the  aid 
of  a  stronger  will.  Let  me  hear  no  more  nonsense  from 
you,  my  child ;  for  in  a  fortnight  from  to-day,  I  intend 
•  that  you  shall  marry  brother  Nicholas,  the  most  upright 
and  conscientious  of  men." 

"  I  cannot  do  it,  I  cannot  do  it,  father,"  answered 
Charity,  weeping ;  "  for  I  not  only  feel  a  repugnance 
against  him,  but  — "  she  hesitated,  cast  down  her  eyes, 
and  colored  deeply  —  "  I  love  another." 

"You  love,  carnally  speaking,"  cried  the  doctor; 
"  and  when  you  know  that  it  is  contrary  to  my  precepts. 
Thus  does  one  fault  lead  to  another." 

"  Such,"  said  Professor  Malpcst,  "  is  the  inevitable 
result  of  contact  with  the  worldly-minded.  If  permitted 
to  continue,  there  is  no  knowing  what  lamentable  conse- 
quences might  ensue." 


THE    PHILOSOPHERS    OF  FOUFOUVILLE.  223 

Leander,  who  had  maintained  a  respectful  silence 
while  the  doctor  was  speaking,  could  contain  his  sup- 
pressed wrath  no  longer. 

"  You  despicable  sycophant !  "  said  he,  with  clenched 
fists,  approaching  the  professor,  who  shrank  trembling 
behind  the  doctor's  chair,  "  if  you  dare  to  utter  one 
syllable  against  her,  or  against  me,  I  shall  fell  you  to  the 
earth." 

He  doubtless  meant  "the  floor," but  that  is  immaterial. 
His  voice  attracted  the  attention  of  the  doctor,  who  had 
thus  far  seemed  oblivious  to  his  presence. 

"  You  are  the  cause  of  all  this  trouble,"  said  the  old 
man.  "It  is  you  who  have  called  forth  in  my  daughter 
the  sinful  affections'  of  the  flesh,  in  direct  contravention  to 
the  rules  and  regulations  of  this  establishment,  made  and 
provided  ;  culminating  in  sedition,  privy  conspiracy,  and 
rebellion  against  the  will  of  her  parent,  thereby  violating 
the  fifth  commandment.  You  are  a  disgrace  to  the 
society,  sir,  and  I  desire  you  to  contaminate  us  no  longer 
by  your  presence." 

"  Enough,  sir,"  answered  Lovell.  "  Since  you  are 
blind  to  your  own  interests  and  to  those  of  your  family, 
and  are  so  utterly  unjust  to  me,  I  should  consider  it  a 
degradation  to  remain  longer  with  you.  I  shall  go  at 
once,  but  hope  before  long  to  return  with  proofs  of  the 
dishonesty  of  that  contemptible,  calculating  parasite,  who 
is  living  at  your  expense,  and  deceiving  you  by  his 
hypocrisj''." 

"  Do  you  presume  to  traduce  brother  Nicholas?"  cried 
the  doctor,  his  voice  husky  with  rage.  "  To  defame  my 
best  friend  before  my  face?  This  is  adding  insult  to 
injury.    You  are  an  infamous  scoundrel,  sir,  an  infamous 


224  THE    miLOSOPRERS    OF   FOUFOVVILLE. 

scoundrel !  "  And  so  saying,  the  old  gentleman,  who  was 
livid  with  passion,  seized  Lovell  roughly  by  the  coat-collar ; 
Charity  threw  her  arms  around  her  father's  neck,  while 
Professor  Malpest,  for  safety,  jumped  on  top  of  the  table, 
upsetting  the  inkstand  over  a  MS.  of  the  doctor's,  and 
scattering  pens,  papers,  pamphlets,  and  wafers,  in  mis- 
cellaneous confusion  over  the  floor. 

"  Discord  in  Harmony  Hall !  I  am  astonished,"  ex- 
claimed Mrs.  Strongitharm  coming  in,  taking  Lovell  in 
her  arms,  and  putting  him  unresistingly  out  of  the  room. 

"  It  was  enough  to  excite  St.  Anthony,"  said  the 
doctor,  dropping  exhausted  into  his  chair ;  "  but  I  was 
hasty.  I  acknowledge  my  fault.  Ira  furor  est;  but  it  is 
over  now.  Let  the  young  man  depart  in  peace.  Charity, 
my  child,  behold  how  3-our  unreasonable  self-will  has 
brought  my  gray  hairs  to  shame.  Well  may  you  shed 
tears.  Retire  now  to  your  room,  and  meditate  in  sorrow 
over  the  effects  of  your  obstinac3%  Reason  and  reflection 
may  show  you  the  error  of  your  ways." 

Lovell  packed  his  valise  in  a  few  minutes,  and  was 
about  leaving  the  house,  when  Charity  tapped  him  on  the 
shoulder. 

"  Leander,"  said  she,  "  how  can  jtou  desert  me  so 
thoughtlessly,  merely  because  jour  pride  has  been 
wounded  ?  What  will  become  of  me  with  no  one  here  to 
counteract  that  man's  influence  over  my  father  ?  " 

"  I  cannot  remain  without  a  loss  of  self-respect," 
answered  Lovell,  "  and  we  would  gain  nothing  by  my 
doing  so.  I  have  with  me  copies  of  papers  (that  I  have 
made  Secretly)  which  I  think  contain  evidence  of  Malpest's 
dishonest  trickery.  If  I  succeed  in  verifying  my  suspic- 
ions, I  shall  return  and  expose  him.     In  the  mean  time 


THE    PHILOSOPHEBS    OF   FOUFOUVILLE.  225 

if  anything  important  should  occur, — you  know  what  I 
mean,  —  write  to  me." 

Lovell  had  proceeded  but  a  few  steps  from  the  house 
when  he  heard  the  voice  of  the  doctor,  and,  turning,  saw 
the  old  gentleman  hastening  after  him. 

"  My  young  friend,"  said  he,  "I  was  hasty  with  you 
awhile  ago  ;  I  confess  my  fault,  and  ask  you  to  excuse  it. 
It  is  well  for  you  to  go,  but  let  us  part  in  peace  and  good 
will." 

"  My  dear  sir,"  answered  Lovell,  "  it  is  not  in  your 
nature  to  do  anything  that  could  give  me  the  slightest  ill 
feeling  towards  you ;  but  as  to  that  black  hearted  vil — " 

"Stop,  my  boy — stop;  there,  give  me  your  hand; 
farewell." 

So  they  parted. 

When  Leander  had  gone  about  a  quarter  of  a  mile  he 
again  heard  his  name  called.     This  time  it  was  Peewit. 

"  Well,  Joe,"  said  he,  "  come  to  bid  me  good-by  ?  " 

"  She's  an  angel !  "  exclaimed  Peewit,  who  was  almost 
out  of  breath  from  running. 

"  She  is  certainly  as  angelic  as  a  woman  can  be." 

"  I  knew  you  could  appreciate  the  beautiful.  You  are 
a  man  of  taste,"  replied  Peewit,  grasping  Leander  by  the 
hand.  "  And  how  gentle  and  considerate  she  is  !  there 
is  nothing  strong-minded  about  her." 

"But  still  she  is  not  wanting  in  capacity,"  replied 
Lovell. 

"  Wits !  As  to  wits,  I  wish  I  had  half  so  much.  Think 
how  well  she  can  write  ! " 

"I  presume  she  can,"  answered  Leander,  "though  I 
have  never  yet  had  the  pleasure  of  receiving  any  letters 
from  Miss  Charity." 


226  THE    MILOSOMERS    OF   FOUFOVVILLE. 

"Charity!  What  Charity?  Ah!  Miss  Gooclenough. 
Oh!  yes!  "Why  I  was  talking  about  Minerva  —  my  Mi- 
nerva." 

"Minerva?  Miss  Griffin?  Oh!  Ah!  I  understand. 
Why,  Joe  !  are  you  in  love  with  that  angular  female  ? " 

"  I  adore  her,"  replied  Peewit.  "  She  is  the  apple  of 
my  e3re.  I  admire  every  separate  freckle  on  her  face. 
Did  you  ever  see  such  a  figure  ?  " 

"  Can't  say  I  ever  did." 

"  Such  beautiful  yellow  hair ;  such  languishing  gray 
ayes, ;  so  soft  a  voice  ;  such  a  — " 

"  Now,  Joe,  please  stop,  I  do  indeed  believe  she  is  a 
most  estimable  lady,  but  —  " 

"  But !  "  interrupted  Peewit.  "  How  can  you  put  in 
any  '  buts '  ?  She  is  perfection  itself.  You  never  saw 
her  equal." 

"  I  cannot  agree  with  you  there,  no  matter  how  exalted 
may  be  my  opinion  of  her." 

"  You  have  no  judgment  —  no  judgment,"  replied  Pee- 
wit, letting  go  of  the  hand  he  had  till  then  held  in  his 
own.  "  But  there  is  no  accounting  for  tastes  ;  '  tastibus 
non  est  disputandibus,'  as  the  long-winded  doctor  would 
say.     Truly  love  is  blind." 

"  I  don't  want  to  be  personal,  but  must  say,  that  it 
seems  to  me  you  are  singularly  wanting  in  discernment," 
said  Lovell,  rather  tartly. 

"  I  would  not  exchange  my  perceptive  faculties  for 
yours,"  answered  Peewit,  with  spirit ;  "  particularly  if  I 
had  to  exchange  ladies  also." 

The  two  gentlemen  continued  to  spat  with  each  other 
until  they  were  on  the  point  of  seriously  quarrelling  about 
the  beauty  of  their  lady-loves,  like  two  gallant  knights  of 


THE    PHILOSOPHERS    OF  FOUFOUVILLE.     ■         227 

old,  when  the  contention  was  happily  put  an  end  to  by 
the  opportune  appearance  of  the  Rev.  Mr.  Knox. 

"  Ah !  my  good  friend,"  said  he,  addressing  Peewit, 
"I  am  happy  to  meet  you.  Your  appointment  with  me 
will  be  kept,  I  hope  ?  " 

"  "We  shall  be  punctual,  sir,  if  eight  o'clock  is  a  con- 
venient hour  to  you." 

"  Perfectly.  Adieu,"  said  the  minister  going  in  the 
direction  of  Harmony  Hall. 

"What  does  this  mean?"  asked  Lovell. 

"  Why,  the  truth  is,"  replied  Peewit,  coloring  slightly, 
"  that  Mrs.  Strongitharm  divorced  herself  this  morning, 
in  the  same  free  and  easy  way  that  she  took  me,  so  that 
now  I  am  at  liberty  —  I  am  at  liberty,  Lenny." 

"  And  mean  to  remain  so,  I  presume,  from  your  joyous- 
ness  ?  " 

"lam  going  to  marry  her  this  very  evening." 

"  Marry  Mrs.  Strongitharm?" 

"No  —  no  —  no — my  Minerva.  Pm  going  to  marry 
my  Minerva,  and  I  want  you  to  give  the  bride  away." 

"  It  seems  to  me  that  Dr.  Goodenough  is  a  more  proper 
person  to  do  that." 

"Chut!"  said  Peewit,  lowering  his  voice.  "Not  so 
loud.  The  ogre  might  hear  us.  Oh,  you  don't  know 
what  a  romantic,  sentimental  creature  she  is  !  " 

"  The  ogre  ?  " 

«  No  —  no  —  my  Minerva.  Chut !  It's  an  elopement. 
She's  going  to  meet  me  by  moonlight  alone ;  and  I've 
arranged  it  all  with  the  Rev.  Hieronymus,  who  thinks  — 
but  no  matter  what  he  thinks  ;  "  and  here  the  hilarious 
Peewit  in  the  exuberance  of  his  spirits  gave  Leander  a 
poke  in  the  ribs.     "  After  the  ceremony  at  the  church  we 


228  THE    PHILOSOPHERS    OF   FOUFOVVILLE. 

take  the  stage-coach  to  Commimipaw,  and  go  thence  by 
the  horse-car  to  Jersey  City,  where  we  will  spend  the 
honey-moon." 


THE   PHILOSOPHERS    OF  FOUFOUVILLE.  229 


CHAPTER    X. 

The  Rev.  Hieronymus  Knox  takes  the  Bull  by  the  Horns. 

After  the  stirring  scenes  of  the  last  chapter  it  will  be  a 
relief  to  the  reader's  rnind  to  turn  to  the  worthy  pastor  of 
All  Saints,  and  to  learn  how  it  happened  that  he  was 
going  in  the  direction  of  Harmony  Hall  when  his  fortu- 
nate mediation  averted  the  threatened  knightly  tilt 
between  Messrs.  Lovell  and  Peewit. 

His  interview  with  the  last-named  gentleman  on  the 
preceding  day  had  given  him  food  for  much  serious 
thought.  The  stories  that  had  reached  his  ears  of  the 
daily  and  nightly  abominations  at  the  phalanstery  had 
sorely  troubled  his  mind.  He  gave  little  heed  to  the 
reported  horrors  that  had  so  excited  the  countrymen  at 
the  tavern,  and  brought  poor  Peewit  to  grief ;  these  he 
regarded  simply  as  vulgar  exaggerations,  though  where 
there  was  so  much  smoke  he  thought  there  must  be  some 
fire  ;  and  in  fact  so  much  was  given  in  the  form  of  positive 
averments,  that  the  most  incredulous  could  not  have 
doubted  that  the  home  of  the  New  Utopians  was  little 
better  than  a  brothel  of  abandoned  men  and  women,  des- 
perate characters,  presided  over  by  a  licentious,  hoary- 
headed  old  libertine  named  Goodenough,  —  an  artful  and 
determined  emissary  of  the  Evil  One. 

He  knew  that  legal  proceedings,  or,  in  default  thereof, 
more  summary  processes  for  the  abolition  of  this  public 
nuisance  were  under  serious  consideration  by  some  of  the 
20 


230  tiie  milosopiiers  of  foufouville. 

members  of  his  congregation,  the  women  —  especially 
those  with  marriageable  daughters — being  particularly 
exasperated,  and  urging  the  men  on  ;  but  violent  measures 
found  little  favor  with  the  minister  of  the  gospel  of  peace. 
Yet  this  was  not  owing  to  any  timidity  in  his  tempera- 
ment, for  he  had  not  hesitated  in  the  line  of  self-imposed 
duty  to  risk  his  life  among  the  savages  of  the  South  Sea 
until  failing  health  had  obliged  him  to  return  to  civilization, 
lie  had  ever  found  persuasion  more  efficacious  than  force, 
and,  although  the  whited  sepulchre  whose  walls  it  was  pro- 
posed to  raze  was  almost  within  the  shadow  of  his  church, 
he  strongly  discountenanced  all  illegal  measures.  Did 
not  his  enforced  return,  he  thought  to  himself,  seem  like 
a  special  interposition  of  Providence?  Might  he  not  be 
the  preordained  agent  of  the  Almighty  to  entel'  boldly 
into  that  fortress  of  Satan,  and  rescue  its  hapless  inmates 
from  his  grasp?  His  interview  with  Peewit  gave  him  en- 
couragement. Since  there  was  one  repentant  sinner, 
might  there  not  be  others  whom  a  few  timely  words  would 
reclaim  from  their  fallen  state  ? 

The  good  man  passed  a  sleepless  night,  cogitating  over 
the  matter  ;  and  the  next  morning  announced  to  his  wife 
that  he  had  determined  to  proceed  that  very  afternoon  to 
the  stronghold  of  Belial,  and  beard  the  lion  in  his  den. 
The  poor  woman,  who  wras  of  a  nervous,  apprehensive 
temperament,  and  who  had  seen  her  husband's  dwelling 
surrounded  by  hundreds  of  howling,  painted  savages, 
thirsting  for  his  blood,  and  who  fondly  hoped  that  such 
perils  were  over  forever,  wras  almost  parabyzed  with 
terror  at  his  temerity.  She  entreated,  she  implored  him 
to  give  up  the  rash  project. 

No  considerations  of  personal  safety  could  have  induced 


THE    PHILOSOPHERS    OF   FOUFOUVILLE.  231 

the  dauntless  missionary  to  swerve  a  hair's  breadth  from 
what  he  considered  the  path  of  duty  ;  but  the  voice  of  his 
wife  was  ever  potent  with  him  ;  her  tears  he  could  seldom 
withstand  *  and  it  is  very  possible  his  resolution  would 
have  been  shaken,  had  it  not  been  for  the  arrival  of  some 
female  neighbors,  who  were  loud  in  approbation  of  their 
pastor's  self-sacrificing  intention.  It  was  currently  re- 
ported, they  said,  that  the  arch-rake  Goodenough  pos- 
sessed not  less  than  seven  wives  ;  another  of  the  inmates 
of  the  place  was  known  by  his  own  confession  to  have 
three,  and  he  had  unblushingly  boasted  that  he  expected 
several  hundred  more.  What  became  of  all  the  children? 
None  had  ever  been  seen  about  the  premises.  Here  the 
ladies  exchanged  significant  glances  with  each  other,  and 
shook  their  heads.  Such  doings  were  not  to  be  put  up 
with.  No  woman  was  safe  while  such  libidinous  wretches 
existed  in  their  midst.  They  should  be  extirpated  root  and 
branch.  It  was  a  wonder  the  Lord  did  not  smite  them 
with  thunder  and  lightning.  They  almost  drove  the 
minister's  wife  into  hysterics  ;  but  his  resolution  was  only 
strengthened  by  what  he  heard.  It  was  in  vain  that  she 
hung  upon  his  arm,  and  begged  him,  with  tears  in  her 
eyes,  not  to  trust  himself  in  such  a  dangerous  place  ;  or, 
if  he  persisted  in  going,  let  him  at  least  arm  himself  for 
the  struggle  with  the  kitchen  carving-knife,  and  take  a 
posse  of  citizens  for  protection. 

"  My  dear,"  said  Mr.  Knox,  kindly  but  firmly,  "  you 
know  that  for  righteousness'  sake  I  have  incurred  perils 
by  land,  and  perils  by  water,  perils  from  savage  beasts 
and  still  more  savage  men,  and  think  you  I  would  shrink 
now  from  a  new,  even  though  greater,  danger?  I  shall 
go,  cost  what  it  may,  and  go  alone  ;  armed  only  with  my 


232  the  rniLOSornERs  of  foufouville. 

sermon  on  the  'Wages  of  Sin,'  with  which  I  converted 
Mumbo-Jumbo,  Goree  Maori,  and  so  many  other  heathen, 
and,  with  the  Good  Book  for  a  shield,  I  shall  unfold  to 
those  benighted  and  hardened  sinners  of  the  new  Gomor- 
rah the  great  truths  of  revealed  religion,  unless  my  voice 
be  arrested  by  the  hand  of  Death.  My  will  is  at  the 
bottom  of  my  trunk.     Farewell !  " 

It  was  with  fearful  forebodings  that  his  timorous, 
trembling  wife  saw  the  hardy  champion  of  the  Gospel 
sally  forth  on  his  hazardous  expedition.  He  was  on  his 
way  to  Harmony  Hall  when  he  met  Lovell  and  Peewit, 
as  we  related  in  the  preceding  chapter. 

When  he  reached  the  gate,  he  found  Charity  leaning 
against  it,  gazing  up  the  road,  watching  the  fast  receding 
form  of  Leander.     Miss  Griffin  was  by  her  side. 

"  Truly,"  said  the  Rev.  Mr.  Knox  to  himself,  looking 
at  Charity  ;  "  truly  Satan  works  with  beautiful  tools.  She 
is  weeping.     Perhaps  she,  also,  is  repentant." 

"  Madam,"  said  he  aloud,  "  are  you  one  of  the  inmates 
of  this  establishment  ?  " 

"I  am,  sir,"  answered  Charity. 

"  And  do  you  never  think  of  your  artless  and  innocent 
childhood,  your  happy  past,  before  you  had  been  taught 
the  deceit  and  wickedness  of  the  world?  Do  you  not 
regret  the  life  you  lead  here  ?  " 

"  Indeed  I  do,  sir.     I  regret  it  bitterly." 

"  There  is  hope  yet,"  said  the  reverend  gentleman, "  and 
—  pardon  my  inquisitiveness  ;  my  motives  are  good  —  arc 
you  one  of  those  who  are — who  are  —  connected  with 
Dr.  Goodenough?" 

"  Yes,  sir,"  answered  Charity  ;  "  I  have  no  one  here  to 
protect  me,  no  one  to  love,  but  him." 


THE    PHILOSOPHERS    OF   FOUFOUVILLE.  233 

The  Rev.  Mr,  Knox  shook  his  head  sadly,  and  said  to 
himself,  "  So  young,  so  innocent-looking,  and  yet  so  de- 
praved !     It  is  truly  lamentable." 

"  And  you,  madam,"  said  he,  turning  to  Miss  Griffin ; 
"  I  presume  you  also  are  one  of  the  unfortunates  ?  " 

"  Alas  !  sir,"  answered  Miss  Minerva,  "  what  woman  is 
not  unfortunate !     It  is  her  lot  in  life  to  be  so." 

"  It  is  her  own  fault  if  she  do  not  raise  herself  when 
fallen." 

"  Ah !  sir,  she  should  not  be  chided  while  society  exists 
as  at  present  constituted." 

"  Have  you  no  desire  to  change  your  present  condition  ?  " 

Miss  Minerva  blushed  deeply,  fixed  he'r  eyes  on  a  but- 
tercup, simpered,  and  answered  with  some  confusion  of 
manner,  — 

"  Woman  must  yield  to  her  destiny,  sir.  She  was  not 
created  to  exist  alone ;  and  I  shall  not  shrink  from  the 
performance  of  any  of  the  functions  imposed  upon  mo 
by  my  sex." 

"  I  suppose  that  neither  of  you  unhappy  ones  has 
passed  through  the  ceremony  of  marriage  ?  " 

"  Not  yet,"  replied  Miss  Griffin,  without  raising  her 
eyes. 

"  Why,  unhappy? "  said  Charity.  "  Marriage  is  now  a 
hateful  word  to  me." 

The  minister  looked  aghast.  "  What  brazen  effront- 
ery !  "  he  said  to  himself.  "  Truly,  I  am  at  the  gates  of  a 
new  Sodom.  But  why  skirmish  at  the  outposts,  when, 
perhaps,  the  main  work  is  accessible?"  So  without 
another  word  he  abruptly  left  the  young  ladies,  and, 
marching  boldly  up  to  the  front  door,  rang  the  bell. 

It  happened  that  Mrs.  Strongitharrn  was  at  that 
20* 


234  the  rniLOSOPHEits  of  foufouville. 

moment  passing  through  the  hall,  and  she  opened  the  door 
to  the  visitor.  Her  appearance  confirmed  the  unfavor- 
able impression  that  had  already  been  made  on  his  mind, 
for  her  face  was  blotched  with  the  marks  of  Miss  Griffin's 
nails,  —  induitable  signs,  as  he  interpreted  them,  of  exces- 
sive and  long-continued  debauchery,  while  he  inferred 
from  her  gay  bloomer  dress  that  she  was  the  favorite 
sultana  of  the  harem, — the  true  scarlet  lady  of  this  mod- 
ern Babylon. 

"I  am  the  sectarian  clergyman  of  Foufouville,"  said 
he,  on  being  ushered  into  the  presence  of  Dr.  Goodenough, 
"  and  have  considered  it  a  duty  I  owed  to  my  parishioners, 
to  the  whole  coinniunit}'-,  and  to  myself,  to  call  upon  you." 

"  I  am  delighted  to  see  you,  sir,"  answered  the  doctor, 
rising  and  extending  his  hand,  which,  however,  Mr.  Knox 
avoided  touching. 

"  I  labored  for  many  years  as  a  missionary  among  the 
Feejee  islanders,"  said  he  ;  "  but  never  in  all  my  experi- 
ence among  those  untutorod  savages  did  I  hear  of  such 
enormities  as  have  been  reported  to  me  as  being  commit- 
ted by  the  people  over  whom  you  preside.  Intemperance, 
concupiscence,  excesses  in  short,  of  every  kind,  are  among 
the  charges  that  have  been  brought  against  you.  I  trust, 
for  the  sake  of  human  nature,  that  they  have  been  greatly 
overdrawn,  and  have  desired  to  make  a  personal  investi- 
gation before  deciding  upon  what  ulterior  measures  to 
adopt  for  the  abolition  of  this  crying  social  evil." 

The  doctor,  who  naturally  supposed  that  allusion  was 
made  to  the  occurrences  related  in  the  last  chapter,  and 
which  were  still  the  burden  of  bis  thoughts,  answered  as 
follows,  in  a  tone  which  would  have  indicated  only  sorrow 
and  vexation  of  spirit  to  any  one  whose  mind  was  not  pre- 


THE    PHILOSOPHERS    OF   FOUFOUVILLE.  235 

occupied  with  a  false  impression,  but  which  appeared  to 
the  clergyman  only  an  additional  evidence  of  hardened 
depravity. 

"  We  must  plead  guilty  to  the  charge,  sir,  but  I  did  not 
suppose  that  what  took  place  within  these  walls  was 
known  beyond  them." 

"  It  is  known,  sir,"  answered  Mr.  Knox,  "  and  has 
excited  merited  reprobation  and  indignation  throughout 
the  community ;  and  I  have  considered  it  an  obligation 
incumbent  on  me,  in  consequence  of  my  calling,  to  make 
an  effort  —  with  the  divine  assistance  —  for  your  reforma- 
tion. I  am  pained  and  surprised  that  an  aged  man  like 
yourself,  whose  white  hairs  denote  that  he  should  be  pre- 
paring for  a  better  world,  should  countenance  such  mis- 
doings." 

"  I  think,  my  dear  sir,  that  you  are  laboring  under  a 
slight  misapprehension,"  replied  the  doctor.  "  It  is  true 
that,  as  the  founder  of  this  society,  it  is  perhaps  just  that 
I  should  be  held  in  a  measure  responsible  for  the  conduct 
of  the  individuals  composing  it,  and,  whenever  they  have 
shown  symptoms  of  desiring  to  go  astray,  I  have  striven 
hard  to  overcome  the  promptings  of  the  flesh  with  the  voice 
of  reason.  I  acknowledge  with  regret  that  my  efforts 
have  been  but  partially  successful,  and  the  irregularities 
that  have  lately  marked  the  conduct  of  some  of  our 
unworthy  members  have  sorely  tried  my  patience  ;  how- 
ever, I  am  happy  to  be  able  to  inform  you  that  the  chief 
cause  of  our  trouble  has  this  day  quitted  the  establish- 
ment, while  the  one  whose  riotous  proceedings  have 
doubtless  been  the  immediate  occasion  of  your  visit 
appears  to  be  sincerely  penitent." 

The  Rev.  Mr.  Knox  sharply  scrutinized  the  counte- 


23G  the  rniLOsornEns  of  foufoufille. 

nance  of  Dr.  Goodenough  ;  but  lie  could  detect  no  indica- 
tions of  guile  or  deceit  there. 

"  Your  remarks  embarrass  me,  sir,"  said  he.  "  I  per- 
ceive that  there  must  have  been  exaggerations,  perhaps 
actual  fabrications,  in  the  current  rumors.  Still  I  find  it 
diflicult  to  reconcile  your  language  with  what  I  have  seen 
and  heard  with  my  own  eyes  and  ears.  I  met  a  young 
woman  at  the  gate,  very  fair  to  look  upon,  —  in  a  physical 
point  of  view, —  whom  I  took  the  liberty  of  Questioning, 
and  who  openly  confessed  her  affection  for  you,  whom  she 
looked  up  to  as  her  protector." 

"My  daughter,  of  course,"  said  Dr.  Goodenough  ;  "  and 
I  will  mention  that,  had  it  not  been  for  some  untoward 
circumstances,  I  should  have  called  upon  you  this  day  to 
ask  3'our  good  offices  in  the  marriage  ceremony  two  weeks 
hence,  when  she  is  to  be  united  to  my  co-laborer  in  the 
cause  of  humanity,  Professor  Malpest." 

"  I  am  completely  nonplussed,"  said  Mr.  Knox. 
"Have  you  any  objection,  sir,  toinforni  me  definitely  of 
the  objects  of  your  society  ?  " 

"  On  the  contrary,  sir,  I  wish  them  made  known  to  the 
whole  world,"  replied  the  doctor.  "  Here  are  five  hundred 
copies  of  our  circular,  together  with  our  rules  and  regu- 
lations. I  will  be  glad  if  you  will  distribute  them.  We 
endeavor  to  live  up  to  them,  as  closely  as  our  infirm  na- 
tures will  permit ;  but  flesh  is  weak,  and  you  should  not  be 
surprised  at  the  appearance  of  an  occasional  backslider." 
The  doctrines  of  the  Harmonians  and  their  stoical  rules 
of  life  did  not  meet  with  entire  approval  from  the  secta- 
rian clergyman ;  but  they  were  so  radically  different,  in 
fact,  so  directly  opposed  to  what  he  had  been  led  to  ex- 
pect, that  he  could  not  forbear  smiling. 


THE  PHILOSOPHERS   OKFOUFOUVILLE.  237 

"  I  regard  all  men  as  brothers,"  said  the  doctor ;  "but 
most  of  them  are  dwelling  in  darkness,  and,  what  you 
have  been  striving  to  accomplish  for  the  Feejees,  I  am 
endeavoring  to  do  for  all  mankind." 

"  My  dear  sir,"  said  the  pastor  of  All  Saints,  "  I  must 
ask  your  pardon  for  the  unjust  suspicions  that  induced  me 
to  intrude  upon  you.  But  it  is  well  I  came,  for  truly  the 
good  people  hereabouts  are  laboring  under  a  strange  de- 
lusion ;  they  have  been  singularly  misinformed.  There 
is  much  that  is  commendable,  and  nothing  that  is  positive- 
ly objectionable,  in  the  principles  of  your  society.    But 

stop  —  I  find  nothing  about  any  profession  of  faith. 

May  I  take  the  liberty  of  asking  your  views  on  this  sub- 
ject, _  the  most  important  of  all,  —  for  you  know  what 
the  blessed  apostle  says,  <  Many  shall  be  called,  but  few 
chosen.' " 

"  That,  sir,"  said  the  doctor,  "  is  the  cardinal  point  of 

my  belief." 

"Then,  my  dear  friend,  you  are  a  true  sectarian," 
cried  the  minister,  passing  at  once  from  the  extreme  of 
mistrust  to  the  extreme  of  confidence,  and,  in  the  revulsion 
of  his  feelings,  grasping  the  doctor  cordially  with  both 
hands.     "  The  sectarian  is  the  only  true  church." 

Here  there  ensued  a  long  discussion  between  the  Eev. 
Mr.  Knox  and  Dr.  Goodenough,  on  certain  theological 
doctrines  ;  a  discussion,  the  manuscript  report  of  which, 
now  lying  on  the  table  before  us,  covers  no  less  than 
twenty-five  pages  of  foolscap.  After  long  deliberation, 
we  have  decided  to  omit  it,  partly  because,  unlike  Foufou- 
ites  in  general,  we  have  a  strong  aversion  to  religious 
polemics,  and  partly  because    to   give  it  would  serve 


238  THE   miLOSOJjfEES    OF  fovfouville. 

no  other  purpose  than  to  amuse  the  profane.  "We  will 
only  state  that,  after  arguing  till  a  late  hour,  the  dispute 
became  quite  acrimonious,  and  each  was  more  firmly  con- 
vinced than  before  that  his  own  was  the  only  orthodox 
faith.  The  pastor  of  All  Saints  vehemently  maintained 
that  none  but  sectarians  could  be  saved,  while  the  doctor 
was  equally  positive  that  the  only  road  to  salvation  lay 
through  Harmony  Hall.  The  upholder  of  sectarianism  re- 
cited the  ninety-nine  articles  of  his  creed,  and,  in  support  of 
them,  "  piled  Pelion  upon  Ossa,"  that  is  to  say,  Moses  and 
all  the  prophets  on  the  evangelists  and  Maccabees,  citing 
chapters,  verses,  and  half  verses,  in  a  manner  which  some- 
times seemed  like  an  imitation  of  Swift's  famous  "  top- 
knot come  down."  The  doctor  met  him  with  argument 
for  argument,  and  prophecy  for  prophecy.  St.  Peter 
was  pitted  against  St.  Paul ;  St.  Matthew  against  St. 
Mark  ;  the  Kings  against  the  Judges  ;  Jeremiah  against 
Job.  St.  Origen  and  St.  Augustine  were  brought  up  as 
bottle-holders,  to  support  their  principals,  and  all  the 
ancient  philosophers  dragged  in  as  witnesses.  The  doc- 
tor quoted  whole  pages  of  Greek  and  Latin,  while  the 
parson  spouted  Hebrew,  and  once,  in  the  excitement  of 
the  moment,  Feejee.  As  their  voices  waxed  louder  and 
louder,  the  favorable  opinion  they  had  formed  of  each 
other  grew  smaller  and  smaller,  till  at  last  these  two 
worthy  and  Christian  gentlemen  appeared  actually  on  the 
point  of  coming  to  blows,  when  Professor  Malpest  happily 
put  an  end  to  the  wrangle,  by  entering  the  room  and 
announcing  that  supper  was  ready. 

The  doctor,  who,  though  his  spirits  were  greatly  per- 
turbed, was  utterly  incapable  of  harboring  malice,  cor- 
dially invited  his  visitor  to  partake  of  his  hospitality ;  but 


THE    PHILOSOPHERS    OF    FOUFOUVILLE.  239 

the  conscientious  missionary,  who  had  dined  more  than 
once  with  the  King  of  the  Cannibal  Islands,  positively 
shrank  from  sitting  at  the  same  table  with  a  brother  man 
who  held  such  very  erroneous  and  heretical  opinions  as 
the  founder  of  Harmonianism,  whom  he  now  believed 
more  firmly  than  ever  was  doomed  to  eternal  hell-fire  and 
damnation.  He  excused  himself  with  courtesy,  however, 
and  left  the  house  to  keep  his  appointment  at  the  church, 
which,  in  the  heat  of  discussion,  he  had  entirely  forgotten 
to  mention  to  Dr.  Goodenough. 


24.0  THE    PJIILOSOPJIEJiS    OF   FOUFOUVILLE. 


CHAPTER  XI. 

Some  original  Letters  now  first  'published;  together  with  a 
few  Extracts  from  our  Newspaper  Files. 

Thus  far  the  interesting  and  invaluable  journal  of  Miss 
Griffin  has  served  us  as  a  guide,  in  following  the  fortuues 
of  the  Harmonians.  It  was  the  skeleton  —  to  use  a  fa- 
vorite though  frightful  anatomical  simile  —  on  which,  with 
the  assistance  of  other  authorities,  it  was  easy  to  build  up 
the  body  of  our  work.  But  now  the  charming  ennuyee 
leaves  us,  and  we  can  no  longer  depend  upon  a  daily 
record  of  the  sayings  and  doings  at  Harmony  Hall  to 
give  us  an  uninterrupted  narrative.  "Were  we  to  attempt, 
under  these  circumstances,  to  continue  the  historical 
form,  our  story  would  be  constantly  broken  by  hiati,  —  a 
sort  of  kangaroo  method  of  proceeding, — jumping  from 
one  event  to  another.  We  shall,  therefore,  adopt  the 
more  simple  and  satisfactory  plan  of  publishing  our 
original  authorities  ;  leaving  it  to  the  imaginative  reader 
to  draw  his  own  conclusions,  and  to  fill  up  the  intervals 
as  best  he  may. 

The  following  letter,  although  signed  by  Mr.  P.,  ap- 
pears to  be  in  the  handwriting  of  his  wife,  formerly  Miss 
Griffin,  — 

JOSErn   PEEWIT,   ESQ.,    TO   MRS.   ELIZABETH   STRONGITHARM. 

"Jersey  City,  May  23d,  1850. 

"  Madam,  —  Since  you  happily  released  me  from  the 


THE    PHILOSOPHERS    OF   FOUFOUVILLE.  211 

hateful  copartnership  that  existed  between  us,  I  have 
formed  a  matrimonial  alliance,  according  to  the  forms 
prescribed  by  the  church  (for  a  connection  unsanctified 
by  those  rites  I  regard  as  sinful),  with  one  who  can 
appreciate  the  depth  of  my  nature. 

"  My  wife  unites  with  me,  in  begging  you  to  accept  the 
assurance  of  our  distinguished  consideration. 

"  J.  Peewit." 

We  find  the  following  marriage  notice  in  several  papers 
of  the  month  of  May,  — 

"  On  the  22d  .inst.,  by  the  Rev.  Hieronymus  Knox, 
rector  of  All  Saints,  Foufouville,  Mr;  Joseph  Peewit  to 
Miss  Serena  Minerva  Griffin.     No  cards." 

In  the  Jersey  City  "Palladium"  of  a  later  date,  the 
following  appears,  under  the  head  of  "  City  Items,"  — 

"Singular  Occurrence.  —  Yesterday  afternoon  about 
five  o'clock,  as  the  usual  crowd  was  pouring  from  the 
ferry-boat,  a  masculine-looking  woman,  in  bloomer  cos- 
tume, suddenly  made  a  rush  at  an  inoffensive-looking 
man,  crying,  '  The  wretch  !  I've  got  him.'  The  gentleman, 
on  catching  sight  of  the  furious  female,  dropped  his 
carpet-bag  and  umbrella,  and  sought  safety  in  flight. 
The  bloomer  caught  him  by  one  of  his  coat-tails,  but,  by 
a  desperate  effort,  he  succeeded  in  breaking  away  from 
her  grasp,  leaving  the  torn  remnant  in  her  hands.  He 
then  ran  rapidly  up  the  street,  hotly  pursued  by  the 
woman.  Our  reporter,  who  happened  providentially  to 
be  on  the  spot  in  search  of  an  item,  impelled  by  a  sense 
21 


242  THE    PHILOSOPHERS    OF   FOUFOUVILLE. 

of  duty  to  the  public,  followed  after ;  together  with  a 
crowd  of  men,  boys,  and  dogs,  who  joined  in  the  chase, 
shouting,  hooting,  yelling,  and  barking ;  frightening  re- 
spectable citizens ;  startling  the  police ;  stampeding  a 
drove  of  cattle,  to  the  astonishment  and  indignation  of 
the  drovers  ;  and  scattering  a  flock  of  geese  in  all  direc- 
tions. One  goose  flew  clear  across  the  river  and  alighted 
on  top  of  the  mainmast  of  a  clipper,  greatly  alarming  an 
ancient  mariner  in  an  adjoining  canal-boat,  who  feared  it 
was  an  albatross.  Another  soared  into  the  blue  empyrean 
till  it  was  lost  to  sight,  and  has  not  yet  come  down.  The 
owner  is  about  to  sue  the  city  for  damages.  Pursued  and 
pursuers  rushed  up  A  Street  intoB  Street ;  through  B  Street 
to  C  Avenue  ;  and  down  C  Avenue,  without  halting,  to  Bel- 
grave  Square.  They  ran  twice  around  the  square,  like 
Hector  and  Achilles  around  the  walls  of  Troy,  then  down 
D  Street  and  into  a  blind  alley,  where  the  '  fox  who  had 
lost  his  tail '  (as  some  one  unfeelingly  called  the  shirtless 
unfortunate)  endeavored  to  escape,  by  jumping  over 
fences  and  cutting  across  back  yards  ;  but  his  impetuous 
huntress  followed  hard  after,  taking  the  fences  in  gallant 
style,  with  the  roaring  rabble  at  her  heels.  Finally,  after 
doubling  once  or  twice,  the  poor  fellow  took  refuge  in  the 
Communipaw  Oyster  House  (where  it  seems  he  lives), 
shutting  and  bolting  the  door  in  the  face  of  his  pursuer. 

"  A  second  female  now  popped  her  head  out  of  one  of 
the  upper  windows,  and  began  abusing  the  outsider  in 
unmeasured  terms.  Her  vituperation  was  returned  with 
interest ;  both  parties  being  encouraged  by  the  crowd, 
with  shouts  and  laughter  and  cries  of,  '  Go  it,  ole  gal ! ' 
'  Give  it  to  her  ! '  '  Lam  her  ag'in ! '  etc. 

"Finally,  the- lady  in  the  window  seized  a  pitcher  of 


THE    PHILOSOPHERS    OF   FOUFOVYILLE.  243 

water,  and  soused  it  over  the  head  of  the  lady  in  the 
street.  At  last  policeman  A.  No.  1  came  up,  and 
escorted  the  irate  bloomer  to  the  station  house." 

FROM  THE  SAME,  OF  THE  NEXT  DAY. 

"  Although  we  decline  any  responsibility  for  statements 
made  by  our  reporters,  we  give  publicity  to  the  following, 
in  justice  to  the  aggrieved  party. 

"To  the  Editor  of  the  J.  C.  Palladium: 

"  '  Sir,— Your  grossly  exaggerated  account  of  a  trans- 
action between  private  parties,  with  which  the  public  is 
in  no  way  concerned,  would  excite  in  me  only  indigna- 
tion, were  it  not  for  the  poltroonery  shown  in  thus 
traducing  an  unprotected  female  ;  and  I  hereby  warn  you 
that  I  shall  cowhide  your  reporter  (who  was  the  greatest 
goose  of  all)  the  first  time  I  meet  him. 

Elizabeth  Strongitharm.'  " 


U   i 


FROM  THE  SAME,  OF  THE  SAME  DAY. 

"Lost.  — Near  the  Canal-Street  Ferry,  a  black  leather 
carpet-bag  and  blue  cotton  umbrella,  containing  a  soiled 
shirt  and  a  pair  of  socks.  Any  person  leaving  the  above 
at  the  Communipaw  Oyster  House,  will  receive  the  thanks 
of  the  owner  and  no  questions  asked." 

FROM  THE  SAME,  OF  A  LATER  DATE. 

"  COURT  OF rETTY SESSTOXSr  JEFFRIES  J. 

"  The  People  vs.  Joseph  Peewit.  —  The  defendant  in 
this  case  was  charged  with  bigamy,  in  having  on,  or  about 


2ii  the  pniLOsornERs  of  foufouville. 

the  22d  of  May,  espoused  a  Miss  Serena  Minerva  Griffin, 
although  he  had  a  wife  still  living.  The  prosecution  hav- 
ing failed  to  furnish  legal  proof  of  the  first  marriage, 
the  case  was  dismissed  with  a  warning  from  the  judge  to 
the  defendant,  that  it  was  only  because  he  had  not  been 
actually  married  to  the  complainant,  that  he  had  escaped 
involving  himself  in  a  serious  difficulty.  Peewit,  who 
promised  never  to  offend  again,  seemed  quite  astonished  at 
getting  off.  The  decision  was  received  with  acclamations 
by  the  spectators, —  a  manifestation  that  was  promptly  sup- 
pressed by  the  presiding  magistrate,  with  that  stern  sense 
of  judicial  decorum  that  has  ever  characterized  the 
American  bench. 

For  the  people,  the  district  attorney.     For  the  defend- 
ant, Messrs.  Sharpe  &  Kean. 

MISS   GOODENOUGH   TO   ME.   LEANDER  LOVELL. 

"H.  II.,  May  25th. 

"  My  own  Leander,  —  Oh,  how  lonesome  it  is  here  with- 
out you !  and  then  such  dreadful  goings-on,  I  can't  bear 
to  tell  you.  That  good-for-nothing  Mr.  Peewit  has  run 
away  with  poor  Miss  Griffin.  How  can  women  be  invei- 
gled into  doing  such  things  ?  As  soon  as  Mrs.  Strong- 
itharm  found  it  out,  she  started  after  them,  and  I  pre- 
sume will  not  return. 

"  This  morning  John  Long  and  Mary  Short  gave  warn- 
ing. They  are  to  be  married  on  Thursday,  and  then  set 
up  in  the  public  line.  Papa  sent  for  John,  and  gave  him 
a  long  lecture.  I  happened  to  be  in  Miss  Griffin's  room 
overhead  when  they  were  talking ;  but  I  won't  repeat 
everything  that  papa  said  ;  in  fact  I  did  not  quite  under- 
stand it  all,  not  even  all  that  which  was  in   English. 


THE    PniLOSOPIMRS    OF  FOUFOUVILLE.  245 

John  said  he  wasn't  a  chicken ;  though  what  he  meant  by  it 
I  don't  know,  unless  that  he  wouldn't  be  hen-pecked. 

"  Mary  has  just  brought  me  your  letter  enclosed  in  an  en- 
velope addressed  to  her.  How  happy  I  am  that  you  prom- 
ise to  write  every  day  !  Yet  have  I  cause  for  uneasiness, 
for  you  know  the  two  weeks  are  up  on  the  4th  of  June, 
and  that  dreadful  clay  is  drawing  near ;  but  I  rely  upon 
you.  Please  don't  have  anything  more  to  do  with  that 
hateful  Mr.  Longshanks,  who  wrote  you  that  unfeeling 
letter.  Break  off  your  partnership  with  him.  What  is 
the  use  of  business  ?  "We  only  want  two  or  three  thou- 
sand a  year  to  live  on,  and  you  can  make  that  easily 
enough  in  some  other  way.    Adieu. 

"Ever  your  own 

"  Cherry." 

from  the  same  to  the  same. 

"  Thursday. 

"John  and  Mary  are  married  and  gone.  They  had  a 
dreadful  scene  in  the  morning,  for  Bridget,  the  cook,  told 
him  Mary  had  been  receiving  letters  every  day  from  New 
York  ;  so  he  suspected  all  sorts  of  naughty  things,  and  be- 
came furiously  jealous,  and  threatened  to  kill  her  and 
then  commit  suicide  ;  but  I  pacified  him  by  telling  him 
the  letters  were  for  me,  and  then  he  dropped  on  his 
knees  and  begged  Mary's  pardon,  and  kissed  her  hands, 
and  wanted  to  kiss  me  too,  for  he  was  almost  beside  him- 
self, and  laughed  although  tears  were  in  his  eyes,  and  the 
cook  cried  and  I  cried ;  so  that  altogether  we  had  quite  a 
time.  By-the-by,  Professor  Malpest  was  surprised  at 
so  many  letters  coming  for  Mary,  and  this  morning,  as  ill 
luck  would  have  it,  he  happened  to  come  in  just  as  she 
21* 


246  the  rnnosornEns  of  foufouville. 

was  handing  mc  your  last,  and  gave  me  such  a  look,  and 
I  felt  the  color  come  and  go  to  my  cheeks,  and  I  know  he 
suspected  something.  Now  that  she  is  gone,  enclose 
your  missives  to  Bridget  O'Brien.  I  will  tell  her  to  hand 
them  to  me  unperccived.  O  Lenny  !  it  is  painful  to  me  to 
deceive  my  father  in  this  wa}' ;  bul  what  can  I  do?  Is  it 
a  woman's  duty  to  sacrifice  the  happiness  of  her  life  to  a 
parent's  unreasonableness?  Why  do  you  write  such 
short  notes?  I  don't  think  that '  business,'  hateful  '  busi- 
ness,' is  a  valid  excuse.     Am  I  not  of  more  importance 

in  your  eyes  than  '  business '  ?  " 

"YourC." 

FKOM   THE    SAME   TO  TIIE    SAME. 

"Saturday. 

"  I  have  not  received  aline  since  Mary  Short  left,  three 
days  ago.  O  Lenny !  this  is  not  kind.  When  Bridget 
told  me  this  morning  she  had  nothing  for  me,  I  shut  my- 
self up  in  my  room  and  had  a  good  cry.  Minerva  (poor 
thing!)  alwaj^s  said  that  men  were  unfeeling  creatures ; 
and  I  believe  she  was  right.  Now  that  so  few  are  left 
here,  this  great  house  seems  like  a  '  banquet  hall  deserted,' 
and  as  the  professor  has  papa  entirely  to  himself,  his 
influence  over  him  seems  to  increase  every  day.  Papa 
has  positively  determined  that  —  you  know  what  —  shall 
take  place  on  the  4th,  Avhich  is  only  a  week  from  to-day. 
I  shudder,  Lenny,  but  trust  in  you.  Can  you  believe  it, 
but  this  morning  he  actually  spoke  to  me  harshly,  and 
called  me  '  pig-headed,'  because  I  begged  at  least  for  a 
postponement?  A  certain  person  persecutes  me  from 
morning  till  night  with  his  odious  attentions.  O 
Lenny  !  do  not  keep  me  any  longer  in  suspense.  Write 
immediately  on  receipt  of  this.  "  C." 


THE    PHILOSOPHEBS    OF    FOUFOVVILLE.  247 

FROM  THE   SAME   TO   TIIE   SAME, 

"  Sunday. 

"  Why  do  you  keep  me  in  this  dreadful  state  of  suspense  ? 
It  is  eighty-nine  hours  and  a  half  (89  J)  since  I  received 
your  last  note.  This  is  cruel.  Papa's  infatuation  for 
you  know  who  grows  upon  him,  and  he  is  now  almost  un- 
kind in  his  manner  towards  me.  I  feel  as  if  there  was  no 
one  in  the  world  who  loved  me,  but  you,  —  and  you,  too, 
seem  to  have  deserted  me.  Your  neglect  is  very,  very 
painful  to  me.  Truly,  as  Minerva  said,  —  woman's  lot  is 
an  unhappy  one. 

"  If  you  don't  write  to  me  soon,  I  don't  know  what  I 
shall  do.  "  C.  G." 

FROM  THE  SAME  TO  THE  SAME. 

"  Wednesday. 
"Dearest  Leander, — Your  cruel  silence  is  more 
than  I  can  bear.  Oh !  it  gives  rise  to  such  dreadful 
suspicions  !  I  cannot  bear  to  dwell  upon  them.  He  tells 
me  it  is  clear  you  have  found  some  other  Cherry,  and  your 
continued  neglect  seems  to  verify  his  words.  I  feel  as  if 
my  heart  would  break.  "  C." 

FROM  THE  SAME  TO  THE  SAME. 

"June  2d. 
"Sir,  —  It  is  now  a  week  since  you  have  deigned  to 
write  to  me.  This  atrocious  conduct  proves  too  clearly 
that  you  have  ceased  to  care  for  me.  Some  other  and 
fairer  form  has  usurped  my  place  in  your  volatile  heart. 
You  are  unworthy  of  the  love  of  a  true  woman  ;  but,  thank 
Heaven!  my  eyes  have  been  opened  in  time,  before  my 
feelings  had  become  too  deeply  engaged ;  and  now,  sir, 


248  the  rniLOSornEns  of  foufouville. 

your  indifference  is  only  equalled  by  mine,  and  I  hereby 
release  j'ou  from  an  engagement  that  could  only  be  con- 
ducive to  unhappiness,  since  mutual  affection  is  wanting." 

"  Charity  Goodenough. 
"  O  Lcander  !  I  did  not  expect  this  from  you." 

LEAXDER   LOVELL,    ESQ.,   TO   RICHARD   LOXGSHANKS,    ESQ. 

"Hotel  of  the  Metropolis. 

"  Half-past  11  o'clock,  A.  m.,  June  3d. 

"Dear  Dick, — Quit  all  business  and  come  to  me 
immediately.  This  is  urgent  and  most  important.  Al- 
though I  have  written  regularly  once  a  day  and  some- 
times twice,  she  has  failed  to  receive  my  letters  for  at 
least  a  week.  The  postmaster  of  the  city  told  me  it 
could  not  be  the  fault  of  his  department ;  so  I  have  tele- 
graphed to  the  postmaster-general  at  Washington.  There 
is  a  dark  mystery  somewhere.  If  that  villain  is  at  the 
bottom  of  it,  he  shall  find  that  he  has  roused  the  slumber- 
ing lion,  who  will  prove  a  thorn  in  his  side,  which  will 
make  him  drink  the  cup  of  bitterness  to  the  very  dregs. 

"  Richard,  my  friend,  she  has  broken  off  our  engage- 
ment, and  I  am  miserable,  for  I  have  loved  her.  Oh,  how 
I  have  loved  her  !  and  this  evidence  of  the  lightness  of  her 
character  seems  only  to  increase  my  passion.  With 
that  fickle  sex  it  is  '  Out  of -sight,  out  of  mind  ; '  but  no, 
she  was  right.  Had  she  not  just  cause  to  suppose  I  had 
ceased  to  love  ?  I  am  incensed  at  myself  for  having  blamed 
her.  To-morrow  is  the  day,  —  the  fatal  day  fixed  by  her 
father.  There  is  no  time  to  lose.  We  must  take  decided 
measures.  Richard  Longshanks,  give  up  all  and  come 
to  the  hotel  without  delay,  on  receipt  of  this.     If  I  fail 


THE    PHILOSOPHERS    OF   FOTJFOUVILLE .  249 

to  obtain  her  there  will  be  no  joy  for  me  henceforth  in 
life.  » In  haste. 

"  L.  L." 

RICHARD   LONGSHANKS,   ESQ.,     TO   LEANDER  LOVELL,   ESQ. 

"  1  o'clock. 

"DearLen, —  Your  note  reached  me  about  an  hour 
ago,  just  as  I  was  sitting  clown  to  lunch  at  Gudgeon's  (by 
the  way,  that's  the  place  for  mock-turtle).  There  is  no 
hurry,  since  the  marriage  is  not  to  take  place  till  to-mor- 
row, and  we  can  drive  down  there  in  a  couple  of  hours. 

"  I  will  dine  with  you  at  six  o'clock,  and  we  will  dis- 
cuss the  matter  calmly  over  our  wine  and  cigars. 

"E.  L. 

"  P.  S.  — I  would  like  to  try  you  at  chess  again  this 
evening." 

MISS  GOODENOUGH  TO  MR.  LEANDER  LOVELL. 

"June  3d. 
"  My  own  dearest  Lennt,  —  Coine  to  me  at  once  —  the 
whole  secret  is  out.  Oh,  how  hasty  I  was  !  —  how  I  have 
wronged  you  !  To  think  of  that  vile  thing,  Bridget,  giving 
your  letters  to  Professor  Malpest  as  fast  as  she  received 
them.  Oh,  the  wicked,  good-for-nothing  traitress  !  —  and 
then  to  think  of  the  duplicity  of  that  dark  villain  of  a 
professor,  to  keep  telling  me  that  since  you  did  not  write 
to  me  it  was  evident  you  had  ceased  to  love  me  —  and 
your  dear  letters  in  his  coat-pocket  all  the  time.  Why 
did  I  listen  to  him  ?  How  could  I  believe  you  false  ?  I 
am  so  overcome  that  I  hardly  know  what  I  write.  I 
dread  to  tell  you  the  rest,  and  yet  I  must. 


250  TEE    FHILOSOrnEIlS    OF    FOUFOUVILLE. 

"Believing  (credulous  that  I  was)  the  insinuations  of 
that  perfidious  man,  that  you  were  not  true  to  me,  that 
you  had  found  some  other  Cherry  more  attractive  than 
my  poor  self,  I  weakly  yielded  to  the  solicitations,  or 
rather  the  commands,  of  my  father ;  and,  supposing  our 
engagement  to  be  at  an  end,  and  feeling  by  turns  indig- 
nant or  utterly  prostrated  in  spirit  (wretched  girl  that  I 
am  !)  I  reluctantly  consented  to  marry  that  false,  unprin- 
cipled deceiver.  He  wanted  the  ceremony  to  take  place 
immediately,  but  I  insisted  on  postponing  it  until  the 
day  previously  decided  on  by  papa,  which  gives  me  thirty- 
six  hours'  grace  from  this  time, — for  six  o'clock  to-mor- 
row afternoon  is  the  appointed  hour. 

"  When  Bridget  perceived  my  grief  at  my  impending 
calamity,  she  attributed  it  entirely  to  my  not  receiving 
the  letters  (for  she  did  not  know  of  my  —  Ugh !  I 
shudder  to  think  of  it),  and  she  stole  up  to  my  room, 
where  I  Avas  almost  crying  my  eyes  out,  and  confessed 
what  she  had  done.  I  reproached  her  bitterly  for  her 
double-dealing,  and  asked  her  how  she  could  do  such  a 
thing ;  and  then  she  began  to  sob,  and  hung  down  her 
head,  and  said  my  trouble  was  nothing  to  hers  ;  and  then 
she  gave  mysterious  hints,  and  went  on  in  a  very  strange 
manner  ;  but  I  could  not  make  out  what  she  was  driving 
at,  for  the  only  intelligible  thing  she  said  was,  '  Sure, 
miss,  I  niver  dhramed  you  would  take  it  so  barred.'  As 
soon  as  she  left  me,  I  went  straight  to  the  professor  and 
demanded  the  letters.  He  at  first  prevaricated  about 
them  ;  but  when  I  informed  him  that  Bridget  had  told  me 
all,  he  turned  pale  and  actually  seemed  to  grow  weak  in 
the  knees,  which  proves  that  even  the  greatest  of  criminals 
can  be  ashamed  of  his  wicked  deeds.     Then  he  said  he 


THE    PHILOSOPHERS    OF  FOUFOUVILLE.  251 

had  burnt  them  ;  but  this  proved  to  be  a  deliberate  false- 
hood, for  immediately  afterwards  he  showed  them  all  to 
my  father,  who  became  violently  excited  against  me,  and 
said  they  were  a  physiological  proof  that  I  ought  to  be 
married  without  delay. 

"  The  professor  afterwards  had  a  grand  scene  with 
Biddy.  I  suppose  he  was  reproving  her  for  informing 
against  him ;  but  she  is  a  girl  of  spirit,  and  answered  him 
back,  but  I  did  not  hear  what  she  said. 

"  Lenny,  come  to  me  instantly,  or  I  shall  do  something 
desperate. 

"  Your  own,  own 

"  Cherry. 

"P.  S.  —  Bear  in  mind  that  I  don't  know  a  word  of 
what  was  in  your  letters,  excepting  what  papa  told  me, 
and  that  was  nothing.  * 

"  I  shall  watch  for  you  all  day  long,  to-morrow. 

"  Was  there  ever  in  the  wide  world  such  an  unlucky 
girl  as  I  am  ?  —  engaged  to  two  at  once  !  " 

MESSRS.    SHARPE   &   KEAN   TO  LEANDER   LOVELL,  ESQ. 

"  Wall  Street,  June  3d,  1850. 

"  Dear  Sir,  —  We  have  the  pleasure  of  informing  you 
that  the  investigations,  instituted  under  your  instructions 
of  the  23d  ult.,  have  resulted  most  happily  ;  for  we  have 
obtained  indubitable  evidence  that  Malpest  has  defrauded 
Dr.  Gooclenough  out  of  sums  of  sufficient  magnitude  to 
insure  his  conviction  of  grand  larceny. 

"  On  comparing  the  copies  of  his  vouchers,  furnished 
us  by  you,  with  the  books  of  Messrs.  Grubb  &  Co-}  gon- 


252  THE    PniLOSOMERS    OF    FOUFOUFILLE. 

eral  provision  dealers,  it  was  found  that  either  the  figures 
in  his  receipts  had  been  altered,  or,  what  is  more  prob- 
able, that  the  entire  originals  were  forgeries,  —  that  firm 
not  having  received  the  sums  alleged  as  having  been 
receipted  for.  To  specify,  wc  subjoin  a  copy  from  the 
entries  in  the  ledger  of  sales  to  the  said  Malpest,  as  fiscal 
agent  for  the  Society  of  Harmonians,  which,  compared 
with  the  vouchers,  shows  a  difference  in  his  favor  of  225 
TVff  dollars." 

[Here  follow  the  items  from  the  ledger  of  Grubb  &  Co.] 

"  An  examination  of  the  books  of  Messrs.  "Weevil  Bros., 
flour  merchants,  Kane  &  Co.,  sugar  dealers,  and  Rice  & 
Curry,  wholesale  grocers,  revealed  similar,  though  more 
extensive,  frauds. 

"We  have  also  put  ourselves  in  communication  with 
Palladio  Styles,  Esq.,  the  architect,  and,  from  the  devel- 
opments already  come  to  light,  have  reason  to  believe 
that  the  peculations  of  Malpest  will  be  found  to  have 
commenced  with  the  very  foundation  of  the  benevolent 
institution  of  Dr.  Goodenough. 

"  The  proper  course  for  you  to  pursue  is,  to  confer  with 
the  District  Attorney,  who  will  issue  a  warrant  for  the 
arrest  of  the  guilty  party. 

"  In  regard  to  Dr.  Goodenough,  we  regret  to  say  that 
we  do  not  think  the  facts,  as  presented  to  us,  in  relation 
to  that  gentleman,  are  quite  sufficient  to  prove  him  to  be 
non  compos  mentis,  and  consequently  we  cannot  conscien- 
tiously advise  you  to  apply  for  a  writ  de  lunatico  in- 
quirendo. 

"  If  you  have  reason  to  believe  that  the  young  lady  is 
restrained  of  her  liberty  against  her  will,  and  she  is  of 


THE    PHILOSOPHERS    OF   FOUFOUTILLE.  253 

age,  the  matter  can  Tbe  judicially  investigated  under  the 
habeas  corpus  act. 

"  Kespectfully,  your  obedient  servants, 

"Shakpe  &Kean." 
22 


254  THE    PHILOSOPHERS    OF   FOUFOVVILLE. 


CHAPTER  XII. 

In  which  the  Virtuous  are  rewarded,  and  the  Wicked 
punished. 

On  the  4th  day  of  June,  1850,  two  cavaliers  were  seen 
ascending  a  hill.  It  was  a  lovely  afternoon.  The  tender 
buds,  incipient  leaves,  were  sprouting  forth  on  the 
branches  of  all  the  trees,  harbingers  of  the  dense  foliage 
of  summer  ;  nature's  soft  carpet  (in  some  places  in  grain), 
beautifully  variegated  with  daisies,  buttercups,  and  other 
floral  ornaments,  covered  with  its  soft  verdure  the  face  of 
the  landscape,  while  birds  of  varied  plumage  were  heard 
carolling  their  epitbalamiums  in  the  boughs  overhead, 
or  seen  bringing  dry  twigs,  with  which  to  build  the  nup- 
tial couch.  Did  the  scene  of  our  story  lay  in  Arcadia,  in 
the  early  age  of  Iron  and  Innocence,  we  should  add  that 
lambs  were  skipping  on  every  hill-side,  shepherds,  with 
blue  silk  ribbons  in  their  hats  (if  it  was  a  stage  Arcadia), 
piping  their  impassioned  strains  to  beautiful  shepherd- 
esses, in  red  rosettes,  and  the  sparkling  waters,  trickling 
from  the  dissolving  snows  of  Taygetus  flowing  in  bub- 
bling brooks  and  purling  streams  to  swell  the  volume  of  the 
classic  Alpheus,  while  the  king  of  birds  perched  on  top  of 
Acro-Corinthus  was  looking  down  from  his  eyrie  in  search 
of  something  to  eat.  But,  alas,  for  romance  !  The  incident 
of  which  we  are  speaking  occurred  in  this  prosaic  nineteenth 
century,  in  the  sterile  State  of  New  Jersey.  So,  instead 
of  Strephons   and  Chloes,  the  sturdy  farmer  was   seen 


THE    PHILOSOPHERS    OF   FOUFOUVILLE.  255 

ploughing  his  weary  way  through  eighteen  inches  of  sand 
and  mud  (for  he  was  a  sub-soiler,  though  not  a  free-soil- 
er),  anon  scowling  and  swearing  at  his  raw-boned  Rosi- 
nante,  anon  smiling  serenely  as  his  mental  vision  took  in. 
future  acres  of  cabbages ;  while  his  homely  housewife, 
with  bare  arms  and  frock  tucked  up  to  her  waist,  display- 
ing her  many-colored  balmoral,  was  busy  in  the  dairy 
making  Dutch  cheese.  The  shrill  voice  of  chanticleer, 
crowing  defiance  to  his  haughty  rivals,  was  echoed  in  all 
directions,  while  the  feathered  inmates  of  his  harem 
cackled  joyously  over  new-laid  eggs,  feeling  as  happy  as 
a  poet  who  had  just  been  delivered  of  a  new  idea,  a  lay 
of  love,  which  might  perhaps  develop  itself  into  a  full- 
grown  volume,  and  eventually  bring  him  golden  eggs  — 
unless  killed  by  the  cold  hand  of  criticism.  From  a 
neighboring  marsh,  the  frog,  degenerate  descendant  of 
the  antediluvian  labyrinthodon,  croaked  an  accompani- 
ment to  legions  of  crows,  who  were  flying  northward  and 
cawing  hoarsely  in  their  flight.  All  nature  seemed  to  be 
singing  a  song  of  welcome  at  the  coming  of  summer,  the 
scale  of  the  unmusical  gamut  being  crowned  by  the  steam 
whistle  of  Old  Buck,  the  locomotive  of  the  Camden  and 
Amboy  Railroad,  which  gave  a  series  of  shrieks  that 
would  have  startled  the  American  eagle,  if  that  game 
bird  could  be  alarmed  by  empty  noise. 

We  used  the  term  "  cavaliers"  in  a  metaphorical  sense, 
for  our  two  heroes  were  not  on  horseback,  but  were  driv- 
ing in  a  buggy.  The  mud  with  which  their  vehicle  and 
their  persons  were  liberally  bespattered,  and  the  jaded 
appearance  of  their  steed,  showed  that  they  had  come  a 
considerable  distance.  In  fact  they  had  driven  from 
New  York.    The  superficial  observer  might  have  mistaken 


256  tiie  rniLOSOPiiERS  of  foufoutille. 

them  for  a  couple  of  itinerant  fortune-seekers,  for,  in  the 
front  part  of  the  wagon,  there  was  a  hand-organ,  while  a 
pedlar's  pack  was  strapped  behind  the  seat ;  but  he  who 
scrutinized  them  more  closely  would  have  seen  in  the  re- 
fined features  and  delicate  hands  of  the  younger  traveller 
the  tokens  of  gentle  blood,  while  the  air  and  manner 
of  the  older  of  the  two,  who  seemed  fond  of  handling  and 
jingling  the  silver  coins  in  his  pocket,  showed  the  true 
man  of  the  world,  —  that  is  to  say,  the  world  of  Wall 
Street. 

"  Whip  him  up,  Dick !  make  him  go ! "  cried  the  younger, 
impatiently.     "  It  seems  to  me  we  crawl." 

"  Crawl !  "  answered  the  other.  "  Why,  we've  been 
crawling  fifteen  miles  an  hour,  since  leaving  the  ferry. 
There  is  no  hurry,  Lenny,  my  boy,  for  it  is  not  yet  four 
o'clock." 

"Ha!  there  it  is,"  exclaimed  the  one  addressed  as 
Lenny,  on  reaching  the  top  of  a  hill,  pointing  to  a  large 
building  in  the  vale  below.  "  Those  walls  contain  all 
that  I  prize  on  earth.  Perhaps  at  this  moment  she 
is  waiting  for  me,  and  could  see  the  dust  that  we  would 
raise,  if  there  was  any.  Poor  Cherry,  she  has  no  sister 
Anne  to  keep  her  company  !  Even  Biddy,  the  cook,  is 
false.  But  her  Leander  is  true.  As  to  that  scoundrel  — 
may  my  right  arm  be  with —  " 

"  Now  Lenny  Lovell,  just  keep  cool,"  said  Dick,  whom 
the  intelligent  reader  has  of  course  recognized  as  Mr. 
Longshanks,  and  who  now  sprang  from  the  wagon, 
tied  the  horse  to  a  tree,  and  a  nose-bag  of  oats  to  his 
head. 

"  Cool !  "  answered  Lovell,  "  I  am  perfectly  cool,  and 
if  I  catch  the  fellow  I'll  thrash  him  within  an  inch  of  his 


THE    PHILOSOPHERS    OF  FOUFOUVILLE.  257 

life,  —  the  contemptible  miscreant !    Do  hnrry  up.   You 
move  like  a  snail.    I  want  to  be  off." 

"  Listen  to  me,"  replied  Longshanks,  lighting  a  cigar. 
"  If  you  enter  the  premises  you  will  be  certain  to  kick 
up  a  rumpus,  for,  disguised  as  you  may  be,  your  voice 
will  betray  you,  the  young  lady  will  scream,  perhaps  she'll 
faint,  or  you  will  pitch  into  Malpest,  and  all  will  be  up. 
Old  Goodenough  will  take  the  alarm,  and  make  her  marry 
the  fellow  instanter." 

"  She  would  not  do  it." 

"Perhaps  not ;  but  I  never  like  to  trust  to  lack.  The 
better  plan  is  for  me  to  assume  the  pack  (for  the  doctor 
is  the  only  one  who  knows  me),  and  go  on  a  reconnois- 
sance.  If  possible  I  shall  obtain  an  interview  with  the 
fair  one,  and  arrange  the  programme  for  your  meeting. 
By  the  way,  I  hope  you've  made  arrangements  with  u 
parson  ?  " 

"  Yes,"  answered  Lovell,  "  and  Peewit,  at  his  particu- 
lar request,  is  to  give  the  bride  away.  I  did  the  same  for 
him,  and  one  good  turn  deserves  another." 

"It  was  Peewit,  not  the  Griffin,  you  should  have  given 
away." 

"Is  this  a  time  to  joke?  I  agree  to  your  project, 
but  insist  on  going  with  you." 

"  If  you  will  do  it,"  replied  Longshanks,  "  take  the 
hand-organ,  my  gay  and  gallant  troubadour ;  but  I  charge 
you  not  to  follow  me  into  the  house.  I  will  return  and 
let  you  know  what  is  to  be  done.  Then  I  shall  go  to  the 
village,  where  the  sheriff  is  to  meet  me,  and  while  you 
are  borne  in  the  buggy  on  the  wings  of  love,  I  shall 
spring  the  trap.  Give  me  your  love-letter  ;  it  requires  no 
answer,  I  believe  ;  and  help  me  on  with  these  things." 
22* 


258  the  pnnosopnERS  of  foufoutille. 

"  How  heavy  this  confounded  hand-organ  is ! "  said 
Lovell,  as  they  started  for  Harmony  Hall.  "  It  will  twist 
my  shoulders  off." 

"  This  plaguy  pack  almost  breaks  my  back,"  answered 
Longshanks,  trudging  along  with  difficulty  under  his 
burden. 

While  our  two  paladins  were  tramping  towards  Har- 
mony Hall,  Dr.  Goodenough  was  sitting  in  his  study 
reading  some  letters  just  received  by  mail.  Among  them 
was  the  following  from  Prof.  Gummp. 

PROF.  GUMMP,  OF  LEIPSIC,  TO  DR.  JONATHAN  GOODENOUGH. 

"  Respected  Friend,  —  Accept  my  congratulations  on 
the  triumphant  success  of  your  most  worthy  enterprise. 
The  great  American  people  have  conferred  new  obligations 
on  the  rest  of  mankind. 

"  I  am  sorry  to  say  that  my  translation  of  that  elevated 
work,  the  New  Utopia,  does  not  seem  to  be  appreciated  by 
the  German  intellect,  and  its  publication  has  subjected 
me  to  a  pecuniary  loss.  It  is  too  profound  in  thought, 
and  its  sentiments  are  too  lofty  for  the  materialistic  mind 
of  the  present  day ;  but  the  time  will  come  when  its  super- 
lative merits  will  be  understood,  —  a  time  when  practical 
realism  shall  give  place  to  speculative  idealism,  when 
man,  no  longer  anthropopathical,  shall  contemplate  the 
metaphysical  harmonies  of  the  soul,  and,  ceasing  to  ingur- 
gitate the  biological  philosophy  of  the  present,  shall  reject 
amphibological  physianthropics  and  exist  in  his  sphere  ac- 
cording to  the  preordained  universal  laws  of  androgynal 
asthetics.  "  Your  brother  in  Progress, 

"  Gummp." 


THE    PHILOSOPHERS    OF   FOUFOUVILLE.  259 

Professor  Malpest  was  in  his  room,  dyeing  and  friz- 
zling his  hair,  cleaning  his  false  teeth,  washing  his  face 
with  cream,  pulling  out  superfluous  hairs  with  a  tweezer, 
and  dressing  himself  in  the  customary  costume  of  a  bride- 
groom. 

In  the  kitchen,  Biddy  the  cook  was  scrubbing  the 
floor  and  muttering  to  herself  as  she  worked.  "  Sure  and 
what  does  he  mane  by  a  sittlement?"  said  she.  "Be 
jabers,  there  is  only  one  sittlement  will  contint  the  daugh- 
ter of  Pathrick  O'Brien.  And  what  for  did  he  want  to 
sind  me  off  to  the  city  this  day?  I  misthrust  there's  some 
diviltry  up,  ochone  !  But  '  it's  an  ill  wind  that  blows  no- 
body no  good  ! '  If  it's  me  young  mistress  he's  a-decavin' 
too,  by  the  howly  Virrgin !  but  it's  to  the  ould  docther 
himsilf  I'll  confess  — I  will." 

Her  meditations  were  interrupted  by  the  discordant 
strains  of  the  most  out-of-tune  hand-organ  ever  ground  in 
public.  Biddy  was  not  in  the  best  of  humors,  and  the 
jarring  sounds  grated  disagreeably  on  her  nerves. 

"Be  off  with  you,"  she  cried,  going  to  the  door,  —  "  be 
off  with  you,  with  your  ould  dog  Thray ;  sure  we've 
throubles  enough  of  our  own  without  listening  to  those 
of  a  baste." 

"  Don't  speak  so  harshly  to  the  poor  man,"  said  Charity, 
who  was  sitting  in  her  window,  as  she  tossed  a  shilling  to 
Bridget.  "  Give  him  this  trifle,  and  if  you  don't  like  his 
music,  tell  him  he  need  not  play  any  more." 

Biddy  threw  the  money  at  the  organ-grinder,  and 
noticed  as  she  again  ordered  him  away  that  he  was  most 
shabbily  dressed,  had  a  large  black  patch  over  one  eye, 
and  his  slouched  hat  drawn  down  over  the  other  as  if  he 
were  ashamed  to  show  his  face  ;  in  fact,  little  of  it  could  be 


2C0  the  rniLOsor/iEns  of  foufouville. 

seen  excepting  a  beard  and  mustache  that  would  have 
done  honor  to  the  most  ferocious  of  bandits. 

The  musician  picked  up  the  silver  coin,  and,  kissing  it, 
put  it  in  his  pocket.  He  stopped  turning  his  forlorn  in- 
strument, but  instead  of  going  away  sat  down  on  a  stump, 
being  apparently  very  much  fatigued. 

The  cook  resumed  her  work  and  her  soliloquy, 

"  He'll  make  it  right,  will  he  indade  ?  "  said  she,  "  when 
sure  it's  only  the  praste  himself  can  do  that  same.  Brid- 
get O'Brien  was  never  born  to  be  a  cookin'  and  scrubbin' 
all  her  life  like  me  poor  ould  mother  in  Mullygatawny. 
"Why  should  I  be  slavin'  down  here  while  Miss  Charity  — 
but  no  harruin  to  her,  for  she's  a  swate  young  crater  —  sits 
a  mopin'  and  a  rnopin'  upstairs  doing  nothing  at  all  at  all. 
Aint  me  father's  daughter  as  good  as  she  and  perhaps  a 
dalebetther?" 

Her  reflections  were  again  interrupted.  This  time  it 
was  by  a  peddler.  If  Joseph's  coat  of  many  colors  had 
been  worn  by  all  his  descendants,  and  been  patched  and 
repatched  by  successive  generations  down  to  the  present 
time,  it  could  not  have  looked  worse  than  the  garment 
which  had  fallen  to  the  lot  of  that  peddler,  and  his  whole 
costume  was  in  keeping  with  it ;  he  looked,  in  short,  like  a 
living  embodiment  of  "Old  Clo."  By  a  strange  coinci- 
dence he  also  had  a  black  patch  over  one  eye,  and  the 
lower  part  of  his  face  was  concealed  by  a  muffler,  as  if  he 
were  suffering  from  the  toothache. 

"Any  pins,  needles,  thimbles,  scissors,  thread?"  said 
he,  deliberately  walking  in  and  setting  his  pack  down  on 
the  kitchen  floor. 

"  Go  long  wid  yez,"  said  Biddy ;  "  I  don't  want  noth- 
ing to  do  with  you,  nor  any  of  your  tribe." 


THE    PHILOSOPHERS    OF    FOUFOVVILLE.  2G1 

"  Here  are  some  beautiful  rings,  breastpins,  bracelets  ; 
smuggled  in,"  continued  the  persistent  peddler  with  a  wink. 
"  Got  to  sell  'em  to  reduce  stock.     Have  'em  cheap." 

"  I  tell  yez  I  don't  want  nothing,"  said  Biddy  ;  but  her 
eyes  betrayed  her  tongue,  for  she  seemed  unable  to  raise 
them  from  an  enormous  pinchbeck  brooch  containing 
twenty-seven  pieces  of  different-colored  glass. 

"  This  is  an  elegant  jewel,"  said  the  peddler,  holding 
up  the  glittering  bauble, — "the  latest  style,  quite  the 
fashion,  all  the  rage,  just  like  the  one  Queen  Victoria  wore 
at  her  coronation." 

"  Sure  and  it  is  a  beauty,"  said  Biddy ;  "  but  how  can 
I  buy  it  when  I  haven't  niver  a  cint  of  money?  " 

"  No  money  ?  "  replied  the  peddler.  "  Well,  then,  sup- 
pose I  tell  you  a  way  of  getting  this  matchless,  magnif- 
icent, superb,  superfine  work  of  art  without  paying  a 
penny  ?  " 

"  It's  a-jokin'  ye  are,"  said  Biddy,  as  her  dyes  sparkled. 

"  No,  I  mean  what  I  say.  Are  there  not  other  ladies 
in  the  house  ?  " 

"  None  but  Miss  Cherry,  —  a  swate  gurrl  as  ever  lived  ; 
but  she  won't  come  down,  for  she's  got  the  megrims  like, 
and  kapes  herself  shut  up  in  her  room  all  the  day  long 
a-sobbin'  and  a-cryin'  as  if  her  heart  would  break  —  poor 
thing !  I  suspicion  there's  a  young  man  summus  about, 
and  he's  played  her  false,  for  they  are  decavin'  critters 
are  the  man  forninst  us  women-folks." 

The  peddler  held  the  brooch  up  to  the  window  so  that 
the  bits  of  glass  sparkled  and  flashed  in  the  sunlight. 

"  Possibly,"  said  he,  "  your  young  mistress  may  be 
induced  to  purchase  some  of  my  .valuable  wares  ;  so  just 
listen  to  me.     If  you  will  take  this  wax  flower  to  her,  and 


262  the  rnnosornERS  of  foufovville. 

ask  her  to  examine  it  well,  she  may  buy  it ;  but,  mark ! 
don't  show  it  to  anybody  else  ;  and  mind  !  tell  her  that  a 
peddler  is  here  with  letter-paper  and  envelopes.  Do  that, 
and  this  gorgeous  jewel,  which  formed  part  of  the  loot  of 
Delhi,  where  it  was  the  principal  ornament  in  the  famous 
peacock's  throne  of  Aurungzebee,  who  captured  it  in  battle 
from  Genghis  Khan,  who  stole  it  from  the  Emperor  of 
China,  —  this  unique  gem  shall  be  yours." 

Biddy  did  not  wait  to  be  bidden  a  second  time,  but, 
snatching  the  wax  flower,  she  bounced  out  of  the  kitchen, 
her  hoops  in  her  heedlessness  catching  in  her  pail,  upset- 
ting it  and  spilling  the  dirty  water  over  the  floor,  com- 
pletely saturating  the  unlucky  peddler,  who  happened  to 
be  sitting  within  a  foot  of  it.  She  ran  upstairs  and  into 
Miss  Charity's  room  without  knocking,  for,  in  her  eager- 
ness to  possess  th  e  showy  prize,  she  did  not  think  of  the 
dignity  and  politeness  which  should  ever  be  found  in  the 
descendants  of  Brian-Boru. 

Charity  was  sitting  by  her  window,  watching  and  weep- 
ing, for  the  wedding  day,  so  joyfully  anticipated  by 
most  young  maidens,  brought  no  visions  of  happiness  to 
her. 

"  Why  does  that  grizzly  organ-grinder  sit  staring  at 
me  from  the  stump  with  his  hideous  one  eye  ? "  she  said 
to  herself.  "He  has  doubtless  his  sorrows,  poor  man; 
but  what  are  they  to  mine,  alas  !  Perhaps  even  he  is  ca- 
pable of  love ;  perhaps  there  are  those  who  nave  loved 
him.  He  is  again  kissing  the  mite  I  gave  him.  Why 
did  I  not  send  him  more  ?  " 

"  Ah  !  miss,"  exclaimed  Bridget ;  "  there's  such  a  nice- 
spoken  gintleman  downstairs,  with  such  beautiful  things 
to  sell,  and  a  black  patch  over  his  eye." 


THE    PHILOSOPHERS    OF   FOUFOUVILLE.  263 

"  I  want  nothing  that  he  can  give,"  answered  Charit}\ 
"  If  he  is  hungry,  offer  him  food." 

"  He  asked  me  to  show  you  this  jewel  of  a  flower,  miss. 
You  might  fancy  it,  for  it's  a  rare  plant." 

"I  care  no  longer  for  flowers,  nor  for  anything. 
Leave  me." 

"  And  he  has  leather-paper  and  invilopes,  mum,"  said 
Biddy,  who  would  not  be  rebuffed. 

Charity  had  mechanically  glanced  at  the  flower.  Sud- 
denly she  started. 

"  It  is  —  it  is  —  an  oleander.  O  leander  !  "  she  cried, 
clasping  her  hands  together.  Then  (for  even  the  most 
artless  of  women  are  more  or  less  ruse)  she  thought  of 
the  perfidious  cook,  and  said  with  assumed  calmness,  — 

"  This  is  my  favorite  flower.  I  will  look  over  the  man's 
stock.     Perhaps  I  will  take  some  letter-paper." 

Miss  Charity  descended  into  the  kitchen,  her  face  suf- 
fused with  smiles  and  blushes  ;  but,  on  seeing  the  peddler, 
she  turned  pale  and  started  back.  She  had  expected  to 
meet  Lovell.  Mr.  Longshanks  she  did  not  recognize,  for 
she  had  seen  him  only  once  before,  and  that  was  in  the 
evening. 

"  The  original  of  this  rare  flower  is  not  far  off,  miss, 
and  here  are  pins  and  needles  —  (my  name  is  Long- 
shanks)," —  said  he,  speaking  alternately  aloud,  or  in  a 
whisper,  according  as  what  he  said  was  meant  for  the  ears 
of  Miss  Charity  or  of  Biddy. 

"  Here,"  said  he,  "  are  was  figures  of  all  kinds. 
Here's  Gen'l  Washington  (that's  him  sitting  on  the 
stump),  and  a  bust  of  Napoleon  (all  mustaches  and  whisk- 
ers), and  Julius  Caesar  (with  a  hand-organ)  ;  and  here  are 
fine-tooth  combs    (we've  got  a  carriage),  all  ivory,  and 


264  the  rniLOSornERS  of  foufouville. 

coarse  ones,  real  tortoise-shell,  —  no  mock-turtle  here, — 
(but  it's  only  a  buggy),  and  jews-harps,  penny-whistles, 
pictures  of  Cupid  (what  shall  I  tell  him),  and  here  are 
envelopes  too,  and  letter-paper." 

As  he  spoke,  he  ran  his  finger  over  the  edge  of  a 
package  of  envelopes,  causing  them  to  diverge  so  that 
the  young  lady  saw  her  name  written  on  one  of  them. 

"  Won't  you  buy  them  (and  meet  him  on  top  of  the 
hill)  ? " 

"  Yes,  yes,"  answered  Charity.    "  How  much  are  they  ?  " 

"How  much!  Let  me  think.  (At  what  hour ?)  I 
usually  get  five  or  six  shillings  for  them.  Suppose  we  say 
five  and  a  half  ?    Does  that  suit  you?    Five  and  a  half! " 

"Yes,  —  I  agree  to  it, — Jive  and  a  half,"  said  Miss 
Charit}',  taking  the  package  and  handing  a  dollar  bill  to 
Lougshanks. 

"  Five  and  a  half  (on  top  of  the  hill),"  said  he,  giving 
the  young  lady  a  dollar  in  small  change,  and  handing 
Biddy  the  brooch  of  Genghis  Khan. 

Professor  Malpest  now  came  into  the  kitchen,  dressed 
to  perfection,  and,  giving  a  sharp  look  at  the  peddler,  or- 
dered him  to  leave. 

"  I'll  have  no  swindling  tramps  in  my  house,"  said  he  ; 
"  off  with  you." 

Longshanks  having  satisfactorily  finished  his  negotia- 
tion, prepared  to  obey,  when  the  professor,  encouraged 
by  his  apparent  meekness,  rudely  pushed  him  by  the 
shoulders  to  accelerate  his  exit.  Like  a  flash  the  false 
peddler  turned  and  struck  him  a  stunning  blow  with  his 
fist,  between  the  eyes  that  fairly  made  him  reel,  following 
it  up  with  a  left-hander  on  the  nose,  that  caused  the  blood 
to  spirt  out  over  his  white  waistcoat,  and  to  trickle  over 


THE    PHILOSOPHERS    OF   FOVFOUVILLE.  265 

his  spotless  cravat  and  -well-starched  shirt-bosom.  Chari- 
ty screamed,  Biddy  yelled  "  bloody  murther,"  and  the  re- 
cipient of  the  castigation,  clapping  his  hands  over  his 
face,  fled  from  the  kitchen.  The  doctor,  disturbed  by  the 
outcry,  came  hurrying  in  to  see  what  was  the  matter ;  but 
the  instant  Longshanks  caught  sight  of  him  he  dropped 
his  pack,  scattering  its  contents  around  in  miscellaneous 
confusion,  and,  darting  out  of  the  door,  ran  up  the  road  as 
fast  as  he  could  go.  He  could  not  have  run  faster  had 
the  doctor  been  pursuing  him  with  a  legion  of  Greeks 
and  Eomans.  The  organ-grinder,  impatient  to  receive 
intelligence  of  his  beloved,  followed  hard  after  him,  leav- 
ing his  instrument  in  the  middle  of  the  road.  Longshanks 
did  not  stop  until,  quite  out  of  breath,  he  reached  the  top 
of  the  hill.  When  Leander  at  last  caught  up  with  him, 
he  was  so  full  of  laughter  that  it  was  five  minutes  before 
the  impatient  lover  could  get  an  intelligible  word  out  of 
him  as  to  the  result  of  his  adventure.  While  they  were 
throwing  off  the  toggery  that  concealed  their  ordinary 
habiliments,  he  told  Leander  of  the  arrangement  made 
with  Charity. 

In  the  mean  time  Professor  Malpest,  with  battered 
visage  and  soiled  garments,  slunk  crestfallen  to  his  room, 
astounded  at  the  impudence  and  audacity  of  a  beggarly 
peddler. 

The  doctor  led  Charity  into  his  study,  and,  after  a  long 
and  learned  preamble,  which  we  will  not  inflict  on  the 
reader,  informed  her  that  the  clergyman  would  soon 
arrive  to  unite  her  in  the  holy  bonds  of  matrimony,  to 
that  exemplary  and  upright  man,  brother  Nicholas  Mal- 
pest, and  he  hoped  that  she  was  quite  prepared  for  the 
ceremony.     Miss  Charity,  with  a  dissimulation  of  which 

23 


2GG  tiijs  rniLOsornEiis  of  foufouville. 

no  one  would  have  supposed  her  capable,  had  she  not 
given  such  a  striking  and  lamentable  proof  of  it  on  this 
occasion,  answered  that  she  "  would  consent  to  be  married 
that  night." 

Her  father,  joyous  at  this  evidence  of  filial  obedience, 
pressed  her  to  his  heart.  Her  tears  flowed  fast ;  and  we 
regard  these  evidences  of  sorrow  as  having  been  highly 
creditable  to  her,  for  they  were  doubtless  caused  by  some 
compunctions  of  conscience  at  the  deceit  of  which  she 
was  guilty  towards  her  parent.  Is  there  not  a  lesson  in 
this  to  old  and  young  ?  "We  are  not  much  given  to  moral- 
izing, —  it  is  tedious  to  the  author  and  a  bore  to  the 
reader,  —  but  we  will  observe  here,  that  this  conduct  of 
Charity  Goodenough  proves  that  in  misfortune  evil 
thoughts  will  come  to  us  in  spite  of  ourselves,  thoughts 
of  which  in  happiness  we  never  would  have  deemed  our- 
selves capable.  What  virtue  is  there  in  apparent  good- 
ness which  has  never  been  tried  ?  The  false  may  be  as 
fair  to  look  upon  as  the  real ;  it  is  only  when  weighed  in 
the  balance  that  it  is  found  wanting.  We  do  not  mean 
to  insinuate  by  this  that  our  heroine  was  less  perfect  than 
young  ladies  in  general.  Artless  maiden,  openly  engaged 
to  the  man  of  your  choice,  chide  not  poor  Cherry  for  mis- 
conduct, of  which  you  jTourself  would  doubtless  have  been 
guilty,  had  you  been  subjected  to  the  same  temptation. 
Good  young  man,  shake  not  your  head  and  say  you 
"  would  not  want  such  a  deceitful  girl."  Suppose  you 
were  iu  the  place  of  Leander  Lovell.  Ah !  that  would 
make  a  difference,  —  would  it  not?  Prim  mother  of  a 
family,  solemn  pater  familias,  you  will  have  read  this 
book  in  vain  if  —  but  enough  ;  not  wanting  the  reader  to 


THE    PHILOSOPHERS    OF    FOUFOUVILLE.  267 

skip  that  which  it  gives  us  trouble  to  write,  we  will  ser- 
monize no  more. 

On  leaving  her  father,  Charity  hied  to  her  room,  hastily 
wrote  some  lines  on  a  sheet  of  paper,  and,  putting  a  few 
articles  of  apparel  in  her  satchel,  stole  softly  downstairs, 
passed  out  of  the  house  by  the  back  door,  and,  escaping 
through  the  garden,  met  her  anxious  and  impatient  lover 
at  the  appointed  try  sting-place.  They  were  soon  speed- 
ing at  a  rapid  rate  towards  the  altar  of  Hymen. 

At  six  o'clock,  the  Rev.  Hieronymus  Knox  made  his 
appearance  at  Harmony  Hall ;  and  at  the  same  time  Pro- 
fessor Malpest  emerged  from  his  room,  wearing  an 
expression  of  complete  satisfaction,  and  apparently  much 
in  love  —  with  himself,  notwithstanding  the  piece  of 
court-plaster  on  his  nose.  The  professor,  the  doctor,  and 
the  minister  entered  the  reception  room.  But  the  bride, 
where  was  she  ?  The  doctor  was  about  to  go  in  search 
of  her,  when  the  sound  of  approaching  footsteps  was 
heard ;  the  door  was  thrown  wide  open  by  Biddy,  and 
Richard  Longshanks,  Esq.,  whom  the  professor  instantly 
recognized  as  the  quondam  peddler,  walked  into  the  room 
accompanied  by  two  constables. 

"  I  have  a  warrant  fpr  the  arrest  of  this  man,"  said  he, 
laying  his  hand  on  the  shoulder  of  the  professor,  who 
turned  pale  from  the  terror  of  conscious  guilt. 

"  What  for  —  what  —  what  for?  "  he  asked,  with  quiv- 
ering lips. 

"  For  forgery,"  answered  Longshanks.  "  For  forging 
the  names  of  Grubb  &  Co.,  Weevil  Bros.,  Rice  &  Curry, 
Palladio  Styles,  and  others,  to  certain  false  receipts,  and 
thus  defrauding  Dr.  Goodenough  out  of  considerable  sums 
of  money." 


268  the  rnnosopnERs  of  foufouville. 

"  What  can  this  mean?  "  asked  the  doctor. 

"  It  means,  sir,"  replied  Longshanks,  "  that  this  thiev- 
ing knave  has  inveigled  you  into  this  Foufouville  folly  in 
order  to  rob  you  at  his  leisure  ;  and,  by  obtaining  the 
hand  of  your  daughter,  to  eventually  get  possession  of  all 
your  property." 

"It  cannot  be  possible,"  said  the  doctor.  "Brother 
Nicholas  guilty  of  dishonesty  !     It  is  all  an  error." 

Malpest,  who  had  partially  recovered  his  presence  of 
mind,  turned  to  Longshanks,  and,  in  a  low  tone  of  voice, 
proposed  to  compromise  the  matter,  offering  him  money, 
and  adding,  "  As  to  the  girl,  she  can  go." 

"Despicable  scoundrel !  do  jtou  judge  others  by  your- 
self? "  answered  Longshanks.  "  You  cannot  bribe 
me." 

"  Bribe  !  "  exclaimed  the  doctor.  "  Can  it  be  true?  I 
am  dumfounded." 

Then  suddenly  seized  with  indignation,  he  grabbed 
Malpest  by  the  collar,  and  shook  him  as  a  cat  would 
shake  a  mouse.  The  miserable  wretch,  who  in  his  en- 
counter with  the  peddler  had  shown  himself  a  still  greater 
coward  even  than  scoundrel,  dropped  on  his  knees  and 
begged  piteously  for  mercy. 

"Drag  him  away  !  drag  him  away  !  off  with  him  ! "  cried 
the  doctor.  "Will  wonders  never  cease?  What  will 
happen  next?    I  am  overwhelmed." 

A  constable  now  stepped  forward  with  his  handcuffs, 
and  was  about  to  fix  them  on  Malpest' s  wrists,  when 
Biddy,  who  had  stood  peeping  at  the  procedings  through 
the  half-open  door,  rushed  in,  exclaiming,  — 

"Ah!  the  doubly  decavin'  villain,  but  he's  cotched 
in  his  own  trap,  he  is,  by  the  howly  St.  Patrick.  But  ye'll 


THE    PHILOSOPHERS    OF   FOUFOVVILLE.  269 

not  take  him  away  at  all,  at  all,  till  he's  made  an  honest 
woman  of  me." 

"  What  do  you  mean,  what  do  you  mean,  Biddy?  "  in- 
quired Longshanks. 

"And  what  do  I  mane,  is  it?  Sure  what  I  mane  is 
that  I'm  a'most  three  months  gone  already ;  bad  luck  to 
him ! " 

"Hey!  what!  has  he  got  you  in  the  fam — "  cried 
Longshanks,  tossing  his  hat  up  to  tho  ceiling,  dancing 
about  with  frantic  delight,  and  giving  way  to  transports 
of  laughter. 

"  Nicholas  guilty  of  concupiscence  !  I  am  horrified," 
said  the  doctor,  sinking  back  in  his  chair,  as  if  utterly 
deprived  of  strength  by  the  dreadful  and  unexpected  in- 
telligence. 

"Bridegroom,  what  say  you  to  this  new  charge?" 
asked  Longshanks. 

"  Let  me  off!  let  me  off !  I'll  make  it  all  right.  I'll  do 
anything." 

"It  isn't  I  that  will  thrust  him  for  that  same,"  said 
Biddy. 

"I  am  sick  at  heart,"  said  the  doctor.  "This  vile 
business  must  be  settled.  Infamous  wretch !  if  you  will 
marry  that  woman,  whom  you  have  deceived,  I  will  not 
prosecute  you, — you  shall  keep  your  ill-gotten  gains; 
otherwise,  the  law  must  take  its  course." 

"  Anything  —  anything,"  answered  Malpest. 

"Stand  up  then,"  said  the  Rev.  Hieronymus  Knox. 

The  weak-kneed  rascal  scrambled  trembling  to  his  feet, 
and,  maintaining  himself  with  difficulty  on  his  legs,  was 
married  to  Biddy,  the  cook. 
23* 


270  THE    PniLOSOPIlERS    OF    FOUFOVVILLE. 

"When  the  ceremony  was  over,  the  doctor  could  no 
longer  control  his  rage  and  exasperation. 

"  D — n  you,  you  infernal  emissary  of  Satan !  "  he  cried, 
swearing  for  the  first  and  only  time  in  his  life  ;  "  get  out 
of  my  sight,  and  never  let  me  see  your  face  again." 

By  way  of  emphasis  to  his  order,  he  gave  Malpcst  a  vig- 
orous kick  behind,  which  sent  him  howling  out  of  the 
room  like  a  Avhipped  cur.  He  immediately  made  his 
exit  from  the  house,  and  when  last  seen  was  hurrying  up 
the  road,  with  Biddy  —  who  feared  her  husband  would 
escape  her  —  in  full  chase,  her  red  hair  streaming  in  the 
wind,  and  glowing  in  the  setting  sun  as  if  it  were  on  fire. 
Longshanks  and  the  constables,  recollecting  that  their 
warrant  was  still  unexecuted,  followed  after. 

"  Sir,  you  need  repose.  I  will  go.  Adieu,"  said  the 
Rev.  Mr.  Knox,  taking  his  departure. 

The  doctor,  when  the  excitement  under  which  he  was 
laboring  had  somewhat  subsided,  resolved  to  seek  con- 
solation in  the  society  of  his  daughter.  He  went  up  to 
her  room,  and  knocked  at  the  door,  once,  twice,  thrice ; 
but,  receiving  no  response,  he  entered.  Her  unfinished 
embroidery  stood  in  its  accustomed  corner,  her  clothing 
was  strewn  about  in  disorder,  and  on  her  work-table  he 
observed  a  note  addressed  to  himself.  He  opened  it  and 
read  as  follows,  — 

"  June  4. 

"Dear,  dear  Papa,  — In  a  few  hours  I  shall  be  the 
wife  of  the  noblest  and  truest  of  men, — my  own  Leander. 
Pardon  me  for  my  wicked  deception;  my  feelings  are 
stronger  than  my  will. 

"  Ever  your  own 

"  Cherry." 


THE    PHILOSOPHERS    OF   FOVFOUVILLE.  271 

Dr.  Goodenough  was  alone  in  Harmony  Hall. 


We  had  the  honor  of  becoming  acquainted  with  Dr. 
Goodenough  about  a  year  after  the  occurrence  of  the 
events  that  we  have  recorded  in  this  narrative.  He  was 
then  residing  in  the  city  with  his  daughter  and  son-in- 
law,  Mr.  and  Mrs.  Lovell.  Most  of  his  time  was  spent 
in  preparing  a  new  edition  of  his  works  (which  his  pub- 
lisher, with  singular  blindness  to  his  own  interests,  de- 
clined to  bring  out)  ;  for,  notwithstanding  his  disastrous 
experience  at  Harmony  Hall,  he  still  continued  to  cherish 
his  theories  of  reform.  But  his  ideas  would  seem  to 
have  undergone  some  modification,  for  he  acknowledged 
that  the  time  had  not  yet  come  for  their  practical  devel- 
opment. "  Human  beings,"  he  said,  "  must  first  cease  to 
be  anthropopathical,  and  the  mind  of  man  attain  a  higher 
sphere  of  organization."  In  the  evenings  it  was  his 
greatest  delight  to  take  his  little  grandson,  Jonathan  G. 
Lovell,  in  his  arms,  and  dance  him  on  his  knee. 

We  are  happy  to  say  that  he  eventually  regained  pos- 
session of  the  real  estate  appertaining  to  the  former 
phalanstery ;  but  his  property  was,  nevertheless,  much 
diminished  by  the  embezzlements  of  Malpest. 

The  old  gentleman  never  liked  to  talk  about  his  ex- 
periment at  Harmony  Hall,  and  it  was  seldom  alluded  to 
in  his  presence.  The  few  months  passed  there  appeared 
also  to  have  left  a  painful  impression  on  the  mind  of 
Mrs.  Lovell  ;.but  it  was  otherwise  with  her  husband,  who 
always  spoke  of  his  Harmonian   experience   as  a  mere 


272  THE    PHILOSOPHERS    OF    FOUFOUVILLE. 

frolic.  He  long  wore  on  his  watch-chain  a  silver  shilling, 
—  a  cherished  memento  of  that  period.  He  was  exceed- 
ingly liberal  to  organ-grinders,  whom  he  seemed  to  re- 
gard with  a  sort  of  fellow-feeling,  until  they  became  an 
intolerable  nuisance,  gathering  arourld  his  house  like 
mice  about  a  Dutch  cheese.  Mr.  Longshanks,  his  part- 
ner in  business,  was  a  constant  visitor  at  his  hospitable 
mansion.  He  appeared  to  have  a  strange  weakness  for 
peddlers,  having  been  known,  on  one  occasion,  to  buy  out 
the  whole  stock  in  trade  of  an  itinerant  vender  of  small 
notions,  at  his  own  price,  much  to  his  astonishment,  and 
distribute  the  miscellaneous  assortment  among  some  for- 
tunate beggars  who  happened  to  be  standing  by. 

Joseph  Peewit,  Esq.,  when  we  last  heard  of  him,  was 
residing  near  Jersey  City  (where  he  kept  a  fancy  store), 
with  his  small  -but  rapidly  increasing  family.  His  wife, 
much  to  his  chagrin,  threw  the  MS.  of  her  invaluable 
lecture,  on  the  Co-relation  of  the  Sexes,  into  the  fire,  be- 
fore the  honeymoon  was  over.  Posterity  will  thank  us 
for  the  few  fragments  we  have  preserved  of  that  remarka- 
ble production.  After  her  marriage  she  withdrew  en- 
tirely from  the  world  of  letters,  refusing  even  the  posi- 
tion of  Secretary  to  the  Literary  Society  of  Communipaw. 

Mrs.  Strongitharm  soon  consoled  herself  for  the  loss  of 
the  fickle  Peewit,  and  took  another  partner.  He  pro- 
fessed to  be  a  spiritualist ;  and  certainly  a  most  violent 
spirit  seemed  to  have  gotten  possession  of  him,  for  he  gave 
Mrs.  S.  a  Poland  for  all  her  Olivers  by  making  her 
head  the  medium  of  constant  knocks. 

As  to  Malpest,  the  doctor,  according  to  his  promise, 
refused  to  appear  against  him  ;  but  he  was,  nevertheless, 
tried,  and  convicted  of  forgery,  and   sentenced   to   ten 


THE    PHILOSOPHERS    OF   FOUFOTJVILLE.  273 

years'  imprisonment.  During  his  incarceration  he  was 
occasionally  visited  by  reformers,  and  others, — mostly 
of  the  female  sex  ;  for  many  persons  regarded  him  as  the 
victim  of  misplaced  confidence,  and  more  than  one  was 
heard  to  hurl  anathemas  on  the  head  of  Dr.  Goodenough, 
who  was  regarded  as  the  author  of  his  ruin.  He  was, 
however,  averse  to  receiving  visitors,  seeming  to  shrink 
from  contact  with  his  kind.  The  most  persistent  caller, 
and  the  one  whose  coming  seemed  to  cause  him  the 
greatest  annoyance,  was  a  coarse,  flashily-dressed  woman, 
with  a  hideous,  cross-eyed  infant  in  her  arms,  who  always 
heralded  her  advent  by  a  large  piece  of  pasteboard,  which 
bore  the  following  superscription  in  letters  nearly  a  quar- 
ter of  an  inch  long,  — 

"  MRS.  PROFESSOR  MALPEST, 

"Nee  O'BRIEN." 

We  regret  to  say  that  he  was  pardoned  by  the  gov- 
ernor after  about  a  year's  imprisonment. 


274  TEE    PElLOSOrHEIiS    OF   FOUFOUFILLE. 


CHAPTER    XIII. 

An  Account  of  the  Philosopher  Fou-foit. 

We  have  completed  our  history  of  the  decline  and  fall 
of  Harruonianism.  But  Harmonianism  was  but  a  branch 
of  the  banyan-tree  of  Foufouism,  —  the  most  wide-spread 
of  all  isms,  —  and  we  doubt  not  that  we  will  be  gratifying 
a  natural  curiosity  in  the  reader,  if  we  now  give  some  ac- 
count of  the  founder  of  the  fraternity  of  Foufouites. 

The  means  of  doing  so  are  happily  at  our  command,  for 
among  the  posthumous  papers  of  the  late  lamented  Dr. 
Goodenough,  there  was  found  a  MS.  translation  of  a  very 
rare  and  curious  Chinese  work  on  Fou-fou,  not  a  single 
copy  of  which  has  yet  made  its  way  into  any  of  the  pub- 
lic libraries  of  America  or. Europe. 

"We  subjoin  this  unique  and  interesting  specimen  of 
celestial  literature  without  presuming  to  make  editorial 
changes,  with  the  exception  of  dotting  an  occasional  t,  for 
the  doctor  was  notoriously  negligent  iu  his  chirography. 


#e 


FOU-FOU, —  A  TALE   OF   CHINA. 

Translated  into  Latin  from  the  original  Chinese  of  Ly-ing,  by  Ignatius 
Hook,  a  Jesuit  missionary,  and  done  into  English  with  notes  by  Dk.  J. 
Goodenough. 

In  the  77th  year  of  the  reign  of  the  great  Fi-fo-fum, 

Khan  of  the  Celestial  Flowery  Kingdom,  Brother  to  the 


THE    PHILOSOPHERS    OF   FOVFOUVLLLE.  275 

Sun  and  Moon,  Lord  of  Heaven  and  Earth,  and  of  the 
Seven  Umbrellas,  that  is  to  say  2,222  years  before  the 
birth  of  Confucius,1  there  dwelt  in  the  village  of  Yangts- 
chankiangkong 2  a  retired  rice-merchant,  by  the  name  of 
Bum.  Now  this  Bum,  who  was  a  man  of  portly  dimen- 
sions, had  amassed  a  large  fortune  by  selling  spoiled  rice 
for  good,  and,  being  the  richest  man  in  Yangtschankiang- 
kong,  was  much  puffed  up  with  self-conceit,  and  was 
greatly  respected  by  all  his  neighbors,3  who  stuck  out 
their  tongues  and  scratched  their  right  ears4  whenever 
he  passed.  He  was  a  man  of  low  extraction,  who  in 
early  life  had  made  a  living  by  keeping  a  corner  tea-store. 
He  laid  the  foundation  of  his  fortune  during  the  great  re- 
bellion of  the  Southern  provinces,  when  he  contracted 
with  the  government  to  supply  the  army  with  one  million 
catties  of  rice,  and  one  hundred  thousand  taels  of  cattle. 
So  bad  was  the  quality  of  the  food  supplied  by  Bum,  that 
when  they  were  attacked  by  those  terrible  opium-eaters, 
the  long  haired  Kanchew5  Tartars,  they  had  not  strength 
to  run  away,  and  every  one  of  them  had  his  pigtail  cut  off 
two  inches  below  his  ears,6  thereby  incapacitating  him  from 
ever  again  serving  the  Khan  as  a  soldier.  So,  in  spite  of, 
or  rather  perhaps  in  consequence  of,  the  misfortunes  of  his 

1  This  is  clearly  a  chronological  error,  probably  the  fault  of  some  tran- 
scriber, for  as  Confucius  nourished  in  the  sixth  century  B.C.,  it  would  placo 
the  reign  of  Fi-fo-fum  some  years  anterior  to  the  Deluge. 

2  The  name  of  this  town  does  not  appear  on  any  of  tho  modern  maps  of 
China;    but  they  are  notoriously  defective. 

3  How  little  human  nature  has  changed! 

4  To  this  day  a  mark  of  respect  in  Thibet.  —  See  Travels  of  Hue  in  Tartary. 

5  Now  called  Manchoos;  probably  from  tho  singular  historical  circum- 
stance here  related. 

6  Doubtless  a  circumlocutory  method  of  expressing  decapitation. 


276  TIIE    PHILOSOPHERS    OF    FOUFOUVILLE. 

country,  Burn  -waxed  wealthy  and  grew  in  the  esteem  of 
his  fellow-citizens.  His  business  increased ;  he  had 
agents  in  different  provinces,  and  hundreds  of  boats  for 
the  transportation  of  his  produce.  They  are  called  Bum 
boats  to  this  day.  So  Bum,  having  become  a  man  of 
wealth  and  consequence,  removed  from  his  miserable  bam- 
boo dwelling  in  the  environs  of  Yangtschankiangkong, 
and  built  himself  a  sumptuous  mansion  of  porcelain  and 
lacker  ware  in  the  very  centre  of  the  town.  Of  course  he 
cut  off  all  his  former  friends  and  acquaintances. 

It  had  long  been  the  wish  of  Bum  to  have  an  heir  to  his 
name  and  his  wealth  ;  but  the  divine  Buddh,  doubtless 
incensed  at  the  wicked  manner  in  which  he  had  acquired 
his  riches,  long  denied  him  this  happiness.  It  was  in 
vain  that  he  erected  a  water  praj'er-mill7  that  turned  off 
one  thousand  prayers  an  hour ;  it  was  in  vain  that  he 
laid  on  the  altar  of  Buddh  rich  offerings  of  fat  pigs, 
boiled  fish,  and  gallons  of  hot  Sam-shoo  wine  ; 8  it  was  in 
vain  that  he  shut  himself  up  in  the  joss-house  and  per- 
formed the  three  hundred  and  thirty -three  genuflections, 
and  nine  hundred  and  ninety-nine  prostrations,  touching 
the  big  toe  of  the  idol  with  his  nose  at  each  prostration ; 
the  god  could  be  neither  bribed  nor  cajoled  into  acceding 
to  his  wishes.  At  last,  after  twenty-five  years  of  mar- 
riage, Mrs.  Bum,  who  was  the  finest-looking  woman  in 
China,  for  she  weighed  nearly  three  hundred  pounds,  was 
seized  with  one  of  the  four  hundred  and  forty-four  mala- 

7  Prayer  mills  are  still  common  in  tho  Lama  convents,  and  private  houses 
of  Tartary.  Some  of  them  are  turned  by  the  foot,  like  a  knife-grinder's  ma- 
chine, and  the  industrious  owner  can  go  on  with  his  handiwork  while  his 
machine  is  praying  for  him.  —  See  Travels  of  Hue  in  China  and  Tartary. 

8  It  is  still  customary  in  China  to  offer  food  and  drink  to  the  gods,  —  a 
practico  that  is  encouraged  by  the  priests. 


THE    PHILOSOPHERS    OF   FOUFOUVILLE.  277 

dies  of  the  body,  and  obliged  to  take  to  her  bed.  Dr. 
Quak  was  at  once  called  in,  and,  in  one  month  under  his 
management,  the  poor  woman  was  brought  to  the  point  of 
death,  being  reduced  to  mere  skin  and  bones.  But  she 
eventually  recovered,  and  in  less  than  a  year,  to  the  as- 
tonishment of  everybody,  crowned  the  hopes  of  her  hus- 
band by  giving  birth  to  a  son. 

In  the  excess  of  his  joy  Bum  gave  a  grand  feast  to  all 
his  friends  and  relations.  There  were  birds'- nests  soup, 
bon-bon  stew,  fried  rat,  sugar-cane  worms,  shrimp  patties, 
salted  eggs,  sea-weed  jelly,  red-billed  magpies,  peacock's 
brains,  mandarin  ducks,  boiled  blubber,  fish  tripes,  sharks' 
fins,  sea-slugs,  water  snakes,  dromedary's  hump,  fried 
frogs,  kabobs,  Bohea  tea,  Sam-shoo  wine  piping  hot,  and 
sweetmeats  of  every  imaginable  kind  ;  in  short,  all  the 
delicacies  known  to  the  culinary  art  of  China,  whether  in 
or  out  of  season.  All  the  guests  stuffed  themselves  until 
they  were  sick,9  and  as  to  Bum,  he  ate  so  much,  and  drank 
so  much,  and  laughed  so  much,  that  he  went  off  in  a  fit  of 
apoplexy.  His  relations  of  course  went  into  the  deepest 
mourning,  dressing  themselves  in  white 10  from  head  to 
foot,  and  letting  the  hair  of  their  heads  grow  until  it 
reached  a  length  of  nearly  a  quarter  of  an  inch.u 

The  little  Peepee  —  for  so  the  baby  was  named  —  was 
nursed  with  the  greatest  care.  When  he  became  old 
enough  to  begin  his  education  a  giver  of  wisdom  was  pro- 
cured for  him,  who  kept  him  see-sawing  backwards  and 

9  This  is  not  strange,  for  it  has  always  been  considered  polite  in  China 
for  the  host  to  press  his  guests  to  eat,  and  the  height  of  ill-breeding  on  the 
part  of  the  latter  to  refuse  anything  offered.  —  See  Sirr,  five  years  in  China. 

10  The  mourning  color  in  China;  and  how  much  more  respectful  to  the 
Ruler  of  all  things  than  black ! 

11  To  this  day  the  greatest  compliment  that  can  be  paid  to  the  deoeased. 

24 


278  tee  rniLOSornERS  of  foufovville. 

forwards  from  morning  till  night,  repeating  letters  of  the 
alphabet,  or  passages  from  the  forty-four  books  of  instruc- 
tion. At  six  years  of  age  he  knew  six  letters  ;  at  ten  he 
knew,  by  heart,  quite  a  number  of  verses  from  the  four 
sacred  books  ;  and  at  fifteen  he  had  made  some  progress 
in  the  five  classics.  All  the  ladies  of  the  village  who  had 
daughters  about  his  own  age  were  amazed  at  his  wonder- 
ful precocity.  He  was  fond  of  displa37ing  his  learning 
before  his  youthful  companions,  and  cared  nothing  for 
their  silly  amusements.  When  one  would  propose  a 
game  of  bones,  he  would  answer  with  a  verse  from  the  book 
of  Ho ;  when  challenged  to  play  at  hop-scotch,  he  would 
turn  up  his  nose  and  walk  away  with  an  air  of  disdain. 
In  consequence  of  these  peculiar  ways  he  was  nick-named 
Fou-fou,  which,  in  very  ancient  Chinese,  is  supposed  to 
have  meant  "  transcendental  wisdom." 

Now  it  happened  that  next  door  to  the  widow  Bum 
there  lived  an  old  lady,  by  the  name  of  Mah,  whose  hus- 
band had  also  been  an  army  contractor.  He  had  agreed 
to  furnish  every  man  with  a  blue  silk  umbrella,  but,  being 
a  covetous  person,  he  had  sent  them,  instead,  miserable 
cotton  parasols,  wholly  ineffectual  in  protecting  the  sol- 
diers from  the  sun  and  rain.  The  inconvenience  suffered 
from  the  heat  was  partly  remedied  by  their  fans  ; v  but 
they  had  no  protection  against  the  dampness,  and  conse- 
quently all  caught  cold.  This  accident,  however,  turned 
out  fortunately,  for  the  whole  host  set  up  a  simultaneous 
coughing,  which  so  alarmed  the  insurgent  Tartars,  —  who 
supposed  that  an  army  of  not  less  than  a  million  of  men 
was  advancing  against  them,  —  that  they  immediately 

12  Every  man,  woman,  and  child  carries  a  fan,  which  seems  more  indis- 
pensable to  a  Chinese  than  a  pocket-knife  to  a  Yankee.  —  Forbes. 


THE    PHILOSOPHERS    OF  FOUFOUVILLE.  279 

turned  their  camels'  heads  towards  the  West,  and  never 
stopped,  in  their  flight,  until  they  reached  the  top  of  the 
Himalaya  mountains.13  When  the  mighty  Fi-fo-fum 
heard  how  shamefully  his  army  had  been  swindled,  his 
rage  was  so  great  that  he  would  have  plucked  his  beard 
out  by  the  roots,  if  he  had  had  any,  and  he  at  once  sent 
High  Commissioner  Hang  to  investigate  the  charges  of 
peculation  that  had  been  brought  against  Mah.  The 
contractor  was  arrested,  and,  the  charges  against  him 
being  fully  proven,  he  was  sentenced  to  forfeit  all  his  ill- 
gotten  gains  into  the  public  treasury,  to  be  hauled  over 
the  coals  on  a  gridiron,  to  receive  one  thousand  strokes 
of  a  bamboo,  to  be  flayed  alive,  to  be  hanged,  drawn  and 
quartered,  and  to  have  his  ancestors  for  fifteen  genera- 
tions degraded  ;14  but  the  latter  part  of  the  sentence  was 
a  superfluous  piece  of  justice,  for  Mah  was  not  known  to 
have  any  ancestors. 

Mah,  having  obtained  a  private  interview  with  Hang, 
not  only  succeeded  in  persuading  that  official  of  his  in- 
nocence, but  actually  induced  him  to  declare  that  the 
contractor,  having  been  the  means  of  delivering  the 
country  from  the  Tartars,  was  an  eminently  patriotic  citi- 
zen. The  sentence  of  the  Court  against  him  was,  accord- 
ingly, abrogated  by  the  Commissioner.  As  an  evidence 
of  the  cost  of  legal  proceedings  in  those  days,  it  was 
remarked  that  Mah,  although  finally  declared  innocent, 
was  shorn  of  nearly  four-fifths  of  his  property.  The 
wealth  of  Hang  was  greatly  increased  about  the  same 


13  This  important  incident  in  the  history  of  tho  Central  Flowery  Kingdom 

is  not  mentioned  by  any  other  author.  \^ 

14  To  degrade  a  man's  ancestors  from  the  rank  they  enjoyed   in   life,  is 
one  of  tho  most  dreaded  punishments  in  Chinese  criminal  law.  —  Sirr. 


280  the  rniLosornERS  of  foufovville. 

time.  For  his  services  in  this  transaction  the  emperor 
presented  him  with  a  peacock's  feather,  —  the  highest  honor 
to  which  a  subject  could  aspire.15  Mali,  who  still  re- 
mained in  comfortable  circumstances,  lived,  contentedly, 
for  several  years,  highly  esteemed  by  all,  and  at  last 
died  of  the  gout,  leaving  a  disconsolate  widow,  and  a 
daughter,  named,  Ah-me. 

This  young  lad}',  who  was  a  few  years  younger  than 
Fou-fou,  was  one  of  the  most  beautiful  of  her  sex.  Her 
complexion  was  the  color  of  a  ripe  olive  ;  her  jeyes  were 
small,  black,  languishing,  and  more  oblique  than  any 
other  eyes  in  China ;  her  feet  were  about  the  size  and 
shape  of  her  fist  when  doubled  up  ;  she  had  no  calves  to 
her  legs,10  was  flat-breasted,  and  straight-waisted,  —  in 
short,  she  was  a  perfect  beauty.  As  she  grew  up  to 
womanhood  she  naturally  attracted  the  attention  of  all 
the  beaux  in  the  neighborhood,  and  several  soon  became 
suitors  for  her  hand  ;  for,  in  those  days  of  innocence,  the 
young  people  themselves  regulated  their  matrimonial 
affairs,  instead  of  leaving  them  to  their  parents,  as  is  the 
custom  at  present. 

One  day  the  beautiful  Ah-me  entered  her  mother's 
boudoir  of  gilt  bamboo. 

"  Mamma,"  said  she,  "  I  am  the  most  embarrassed  girl 
in  China ;  I  have  received  four  offers.  First  came  the 
haughty  Hi-tun,  the  eldest  son  of  the  mandarin  Poo-poo ; 
then,  that  ferocious  soldier,  Bang  "Wang,  who  has  often 


15  In  modern  times  a  present  of  three  peacock's  feathers  is  one  of  the 
most  signal  marks  of  imperial  favor.  —  Notes  on  China. 

1GThis  is  the  natural  consequence  of  contracting  the  feet  in  childhood, 
and  is  a  defect  found  in  all  women  whose  feet  have  been  thus  disfigured.— 
Davis.     View  of  China: 


THE    PHILOSOPHERS    OF   FOUFOUVILLE.  281 

told  us  Low  many  Tartars  he  killed  in  the  last  campaign  ; 
next,  that  rollicking  young  gentleman,  Jak,  master  of 
the  five-crackers  on  the  revenue  junk,  Hi-poop ;  and 
lastly  came  that  exceedingly  wise  and  studious  youth, 
Fou-fou." 

"Who  has  the  most  cash?"17  inquired  the  judicious 
Mah. 

"  Hi-tun,"  answered  Ah-me,  "  possesses  the  tablets  of 
one  thousand  seven  hundred  ancestors  ;18  he  is  the  most 
perfect  master  of  the  ceremonies  in  Yangtschankiang- 
kong  ;  no  one  can  handle  the  chop-sticks  so  gracefully  as 
he  ;  not  one  keeps  his  pig-tail  so  nicely  oiled  ;  his  nails  are 
six  inches,  and  his  nose  an  inch  and  a  half  long ;  but 
then  he  has  not  got  much  cash,  and  he  is  too  proud  to 
work.  Bang  "Wang  expects,  some  day,  to  be  a  mandarin 
of  the  blue  button  ;  but  he  has  nothing,  at  present,  as  he 
himself  acknowledges,  excepting  his  valor,  and  his  tom- 
tom. Jak,  who  is  tired  of  life  on  the  ocean  wave,  as  he 
says,  and  wants  to  come  to  anchor,  has  only  his  pay,  and 
his  rations.     Fou-fou  is  immensely  rich." 

"  Then,  of  course,  you  accepted  him,"  said  Mah. 

"  I  rejected  the  whole  of  them,"  answered  Ah-me. 

"  Silly  girl,  what  have  you  done  !  "  exclaimed  Mah. 

Lest  the  conduct  of  Ah-me  seem  strange,  it  must  be 
stated  that  the  handsome  Si-si  kept  a  retail  tea-store 
directly  opposite  the  residence  of  Madam  Mah.  In  per- 
sonal appearance  he  was  a  model  of  Chinese  elegance ; 


17  A  copper  coin  worth  about  one-eighth  of  a  cent.  It  has  a  square  hole 
in  the  centre  for  convenience  in  stringing. 

18  Every  wealthy  Chinese  gentleman  keeps  an  apartment  called  the 
"  Hall  of  Ancestors,"  in  which  are  ranged  the  tablets  of  his  deceased  pro- 
genitors. 

24* 


282  THE    PHILOSOPHERS    OF   FOUFOUTILLE. 

for  be  was  nearly  five  feet  and  a  half  high,  his  com- 
plexion was  yellow,  his  pig-tail  long,  and  his  nose  short, 
his  forehead  low,  and  his  cheek-bones  high,  his  ears 
large,  and  his  eyes  small,  his  fingers  thin,  and  his  legs 
thick,  his  lips  straight,  and  his  eyes  oblique,  his  cheeks 
sunken,  and  his  stomach  protuberant.  The  gentle  Si-si 
had  never  told  his  love,  but  let  concealment,  like  a  thief 
in  a  candle,  consume  his  substance,  while  his  passion 
burned  all  the  more  fiercely;  but  his  heaving  breast 
and  languishing  glances  betrayed  his  emotions,  which 
were  answered  by  a  responsive  flutter  in  the  heart  of 
Ah-me. 

The  effect  of  the  young  lady's  cruelty  to  her  suitors 
was  heartrending.  The  haughty  Ili-tun,  out  of  pure 
spite,  married  his  washerwoman's  daughter,  and  was,  in 
consequence,  discarded  by  all  his  family.  When  last 
heard  from  they  were  making  a  living  by  taking  in  plain 
washing,  —  Hi-tun  doing  the  ironing. 

Bang  Wang  attempted  to  commit  hari-kari,10  but  only 
succeeded  in  ripping  open  his  yellow  silk  gown.  His 
after  fate  is  unknown. 

Jak  was  said  to  have  drowned  his  sorrows  in  the  bowl. 
Certain  it  is  that  he  was  seen  cruising  around  the  canals,- 
for  many  years,  always  jolty,  and,  according  to  rumor, 
with  a  wife  in  every  port  excepting  Yangtschankiang- 
kong. 

As  to  Fou-fou  he  resolved  to  put  an  end  to  his  grief 
by  putting  an  end  to  his  life  ;  so,  one  dark  night,  he  de- 
liberately threw  himself  into  the  canal ;  but  the  water 
was  exceedingly  cold,  and  whether  this  cooled  his  pas- 

19  This  singular  custom  is  now  confined  to  Japan. 


THE    PHILOSOPHERS    OF    FOUFOUVILLE.  283 

sion,  or  whether  he  was  afraid  of  freezing  to  death,  — 
a  method  of  shaking  off  this  mortal  coil  he  had  not  con- 
templated, —  certain  it  is,  that,  on  rising  to  the  surface 
and  finding  himself  directly  under  the  stern  of  the  Hi- 
poop,  he  at  once  seized  hold  of  the  rudder  and  there 
clung.  The  man  at  the  wheel  finding  the  vessel  would 
not  obey  her  helm,  or  rather  that  her  helm  would  not 
obey  him,  naturally  imagined  that  the  junk  was  be- 
witched, and  falling  on  his  face,  in  abject  terror,  vowed 
to  all  the  gods  that  if  the  Evil  Spirit  were  taken  away 
he  would  present  the  priests  of  Buclclh  with  one-half  the 
curry  he  had  stolen  the  day  before  (he  promised  the 
whole,  but  mentally  intended  only  to  give  half).  Jak, 
coming  up  and  learning  the  difficulty,  called  him  an 
ignorant  land-lubber,  and  gave  him  a  kick  that  sent  him 
through  the  gangway  head-foremost  into  a  hogshead  of 
molasses. 

"  Shiver  my  timbers  ! "   said  he,  "  but  I'll  make  her 
work." 

He  then  gave  the  wheel  a  jerk ;  it  turned  half  round 
and  immediately  sprang  back,  for  Fou-fou  was  holding 
on  to  the  rudder  with  one  hand,  and  with  the  other  grasp- 
ing the  tail  of  the  carved  dragon  on  the  stern  of  the  ves- 
sel. Jak  made  two  more  attempts  to  turn  the  wheel,  but 
with  the  same  result,  and  being  now  convinced  that 
Sheitan  was  at  the  bottom  of  the  matter,  —  that  is  to 
say,  of  the  junk,  —  he  dropped  on  his  marrow-bones  and 
began  to  stutter  a  confused  medley  of  phrases  from  all 
the  prayers  to  Buddh  that  he  had  heard  from  time  to 
time  in  his  cruises,  —  it  being  the  first  evidence  of  piety' 
he  had  given  since  he  followed  the  canals.  The  junk, 
left  to  herself,  soon  drifted  plump  against  the  bank,  and 


284  the  rniLOSornEiis  of  foufouville. 

Fou-fou,  having  waded  ashore,  endeavored  to  sneak  home 
unperceived.  The  Hi-poop  remained  quietly  alongside 
the  bank  until  daybreak,  by  which  time  —  as  evil  spirits 
prowl  about  only  at  night  —  her  rudder  was  found  to  bo 
clear,  and  she  proceeded  on. her  way,  with  a  fair  wind,  at 
the  rate  of  a  mile  an  hour,  both  Jak  and  the  land-lubber 
forgetting  their  terror-stricken  vows. 

The  next  day  the  adventure  of  Fou-fou  was  known  all 
over  the  town,  for  his  action  had  been  seen  by  one  of  the 
guardians  of  darkness.20  He  became  the  laughing-stock 
of  everybody  ;  but,  as  his  thoughts  were  wandering  in  the 
sublime  regions  of  transcendental  metaphysics,  he  passed 
by  the  scoffers  disdainfully,  not  stooping  to  reply  to 
their  ribaldry. 

In  a  week  the  beautiful  Ah-rue  married  the  gentle  Si-si, 
and  that  is  the  last  we  hear  of  her. 

Fou-fou,  being  now  completely  disgusted  with  the 
world,  shut  himself  up  in  his  house  for  twentj'-five  years, 
giving  himself  up  entirely  to  the  study  of  philosophy. 
Having  attained  the  age  of  nearly  fifty  years,  and  his 
beard  reaching  down  to  his  waist,  he  at  last  emerged 
from  his  seclusion  and  announced  to  his  wondering 
townsmen  that  he  had  found  the  true  key  to  human' hap- 
piness. 

"  The  permanent  principles  of  Nature,"  said  he,  "  are 
three  :  the  active  principle,  or  spirit ;  the  passive  princi- 
ple, or  matter  ;  and  the  neutral  principle,  or  mathematical 
laws  of  justice  and  harmony.  The  nature  of  man  was 
co-ordinate  with  this  division,  and  contained :  1 .  His 
physical  nature,  adapted  to  the  passive  principle,  or  mat- 
ter ;  2.  His  moral  nature,  adapted  to  the  active  princi- 

^Niorht  watchmen. 


THE    PHILOSOPHERS    OF    FOUFOVVILLE.  285 

pie,  or  spirit ;  and,  3.  His  intellectual  nature,  adapted  to 
the  neutral  principle  of  law  and  justice.  In  order  to  con- 
struct, synthetically,  a  true  harmonic  sphere  out  of  this 
methodical  analysis  of  the  principles  of  man's  physical, 
moral,  and  mental  nature,  individually  and  collectively, 
with  regard  to  general  society  and  universal  unity,  we 
must  follow  the  theory  of  the  four  movements,  and  mixing 
up  the  cabalistic,  or  emulative  impulse,  with  unityism, 
or  harmonizing  aspiration,  till  they  form  a  cosmologies! 
equilibrium,  we  obtain,  as  a  solution,  that  all  property 
and  women  should  be  held  in  common."  * 

The  utterance  of  these  subversive,  levelling,  revolution- 
ary, and  atrocious  doctrines,  raised  a  terrible  commotion 
in  Yangtschankiangkong,  especially  among  the  bonzes, 
who  possessed  most  of  the  property  of  the  place.  The 
bonzes  excited  the  women,  and  the  women  excited  their 
husbands  ;  so,  in  the  midst  of  a  general  hue-and-cry  Fou- 
fou  was  arrested,  and  brought  before  the  old  mandarin, 
Poo-poo,  on  the  charge  of  heresy  and  rebellion. 

"  Prisoner,"  said  Poo-poo ;  "  what  have  you  to  say  in 
answer  to  this  charge  ?  " 

"There  are  two  phases  of  incoherence,"  answered  Fou- 
fou,  "containing  each  seven  social  periods;  two  phases 
of  combination  containing  each  nine  social  periods.  As 
soon  as  society  shall  have  reached  the  thirty-second, 
which  is  the  apogee  of  harmony,  the  pivotal  or  anti- 
harmonic  age  of  the  race  will  begin,  the  Aurora  Borealis 
will  be  converted  into  a  boreal  crown,  and  the  soul  of 
man  cease  to  be  vertiginated  by  the  viripotency  of  woman. 
This  is  axiopistical." 

*  For  a  modern  plagiarism  of  this  speech,  see  the  New  American  Cyclo- 
pedia, under  the  heading  FOU.  — Note  by  the  author. 


286  the  ruiLOsoriiEiiS  of  foufoufille. 

"  Can't  you  speak  Chinese?  "  said  Poo-poo. 

11  The  human  race  will  perish,"  continued  Fou-fou ; 
"  but,  by  a  scries  of  bicomposite  transmigrations,  be 
transmogrified  into  the  seventh  sphere." 

11  Take  him  away  !  take  him  away  ! "  cried  Poo-poo  ; 
"  he  is  nothing  but  a  crack-brained  visionary,  and  can  do 
no  harm." 

But  the  bonzes  were  not  to  be  cheated  of  their  prey, 
nor  was  the  resentment  of  the  women  allayed  ;  so  an  ap- 
peal was  taken,  and  the  case  brought  before  High  Com- 
missioner Hang.  Hang  instantly  decided  that  the  crim- 
inal should  have  his  head  shaved,  be  put  in  the  pillory 
for  three  days,  be  chopped  into  mince-meat,  and.that  his 
doctrines  should  be  applied  to  himself  as  far  as  possible. 
The  merciful  Fi-fo-fum21  remitted  all  but  the  latter  part 
of  this  sentence,  and  as  the  population  of  the  province 
was  estimated  at  3,000,000,  and  its  assessed  wealth  was 
10,000,000,000  cash,  the  portion  belonging  to  each  in- 
habitant, according  to  the  theory  of  Fou-fou,  was  3,333^. 
It  was  accordingly  directed  that  this  sum  be  paid  to  him, 
deducting  the  dues  of  the  court ;  and,  as  these  amounted 
to  exactly  3,333,  he  received,  on  his  discharge,  just  one- 
third  of  a  cash,  and  his  property  was  confiscated  for 
distribution  among  the  rest  of  the  people.  The  sentence 
was  highly  applauded  in  Yangtschankiangkong,  though 
in  the  end  it  gave  rise  to  great  dissatisfaction,  from  the 
fact  that  not  a  single  cash  that  had  belonged  to  the  es- 
tate of  Fou-fou  actually  found  its  way  into  the  pockets 
of  the  people.  For  the  extraordinary  wisdom  displayed 
in  the  decision  of  this  case,  Hang  was  raised,  by  the 

21  The  emperor  must  have  boen  quite  aged  at  this  period. 


THE    PHILOSOPHERS    OF   FOVFOUVILLE.  287 

Khan,  to  the  position  of  Minister  of  Eternal  Equity. 
Fou-fou  bought  a  cracker  with  his  one-third  of  a  cash, 
and,  being  convinced  that  no  man  is  a  prophet  in  his  own 
country,  resolved  to  emigrate  from  Yangtschankiangkong. 
He  started  the  next  morning,  following  the  course  of  the 
So-long  canal.  About  12  o'clock  he  met  a  couple  of  ox- 
drivers  named  Gee-wo  and  Go-long,  who  were  taking  a 
mid-day  rest  from  their  labors.  They  told  him  they 
were  very  poor  men,  who  worked  hard  for  a  mere  pittance 
in  order  to  support  their  wives  and  families.  Their  em- 
ployer was  the  proprietor  of  the  adjoining  tavern  of  the 
Five  Felicities ;  he  had  always  paid  them  their  wages 
regularly,  and  they  had  never  been  discontented  with 
their  lot,  even  though  it  was  not  an  easy  one.  Fou-fou 
told  them  that  their  contentment  showed  their  ignorance 
and  folly ;  and  then  he  unfolded  his  views  to  them  at 
length.  They  comprehended  very  little  of  what  he  said, 
excepting  that  they  were  entitled  to  a  portion  of  their 
master's  property,  which  seemed  to  them  quite  reasonable  ; 
and,  when  the  philosopher  promised  them  a  good  dinner, 
if  they  would  join  him,  they  at  once  abandoned  their  oxen 
in  order  to  follow  him.  He  took  them  to  the  tavern  of 
the  Five  Felicities,  and  ordered  a  feast  for  three.  The 
superintendent  of  the  chest22  gave  the  necessary  direc- 
tions to  the  governor  of  the  kettle,23  and  in  a  short  time 
the  steward  of  the  table24  placed  the  food  before  the  three 
hungry  men.  "When  they  had  finished  Fou-fou  started  to 
leave  with  them  without  paying ;  but  Gin-sling,  the  land- 
lord, stopped  them,  and  demanded  his  money.    Fou-fou 

22  The  landlord.    23  The  cook.    24  The  waiter. 


288  THE    pniLOSOPHERS    OF   FOUFOUVILLE. 

began  to  explain  his  philosophy,  and  endeavored  to  con- 
vince him  that  since  he  and  his  companions  were  entirely 
penniless  he  owed  them,  in  strict  equity,  much  more 
than  a  beggarly  meal.  Gin-sling  could  not  see  the  mat- 
ter in  that  light ;  and,  accordingly,  the  three  philosophers 
were  arrested,  and  taken  before  a  Dispenser  of  Justice 
named  Meen-fun,  followed  by  the  parents,  wives,  chil- 
dren, and  other  relations  of  Gee-wo  and  Go-loug,  who 
were  loud  in  their  imprecations  against  Fou-fou,  for  hav- 
ing got  the  ox-drivers  in  trouble.  Meen-fun,  with  that 
eye  for  poetical  justice  for  which  the  Chinese  have  ever 
been  famous,  ordered,  as  a  preliminary  punishment,  that 
a  powerful  purge  be  administered  to  each  of  the  culprits  ; 
and —  [Here  there  is  a  lacuna  in  the  MS.  of  Dr.  G.] 

Late  in  the  afternoon  Fou-fou  arrived  in  front  of  a 
joss-house.25  A  number  of  ragged,  suspicious-looking 
men  were  prowling  around  it,  and  he  at  once  began  to 
harangue  them  on  the  uselessness  of  joss-houses,  and  the 
absurdity  of  the  doctrines  taught  in  them.  "  They  sup- 
port in  idleness,"  said  he,  "  hundreds  of  good-for-nothing 
priests,  who.  should  be  tilling  the  soil,  and  adding  to  the 
productiveness  of  the  land,  and  who  pretend  that  their 
teachings  are  the  inspirations  of  Buddh,  whereas,  they 
are  nothing  but  the  fabrications  of  a  few  crafty  or  vision- 
ary men  to  take  advantage  of  the  credulity  and  supersti- 
tion of  the  mass  of  the  people.  They  call  themselves  the 
priests  of  perfect  reason,  and  yet  no  two  of  them  inter- 
pret the  doctrines  of  Buddhism  alike,  and  they  keep  the 
people  in  a  perpetual  state  of  distraction  by  their  dissen- 
sions."    He  spoke  for  more  than  an  hour,  and  supposed 

25  A  place  of  worship. 


THE    PHILOSOPHERS    OF  FOUFOUVILLE.  289 

he  had  made  a  great  impression  on  his  hearers  ;  hut  the 
moment  he  finished,  one  of  the  men  said,  — 

"  That  is  a  nice  gown  the  fellow  has  on ;  let's  take  it." 

"  We  should  first  cut  his  throat,"  said  another,  "  so 
that  he  may  not  inform  against  us." 

"  Good !  good ! "  cried  the  rest  of  the  wretches  ;  and, 
immediately  seizing  the  philosopher,  they  were  on  the 
point  of  putting  their  murderous  design  in  execution, 
when  the  great  gong  of  the  pagoda  sounded  the  signal 
for  the  sunset  prostrations.  Instantly  the  robbers  fell 
flat  on  their  faces,  with  their  noses  buried  in  the  dust, 
and  Fou-fou,  taking  advantage  of  the  circumstance, 
leaped  over  their  prostrate  bodies,  and  fled  for  safety  to 
the  joss-house.  The  chief  priest,  a  venerable,  long- 
bearded  bonze,  named  Hum-drum,  took  him  by  the  hand, 
chin-chinned26  him  three  times,  and  thus  addressed  him, — 

"  Stranger,  I  have  heard  thy  discourse,  and  witnessed 
thy  mishap,  which  would  have  ended  in  thy  robbery  and 
murder,  if  thy  assailants  had  not  feared  to  incur  the 
wrath  of  Buddh  had  they  failed  to  perform  the  nine  pros- 
trations at  the  appointed  hour.  Thus  do  desperate  and 
blood-thirsty  men,  who  cannot  be  controlled  by  the  fear 
of  human  laws,  tremble  before  the  terrors  of  a  future 
punishment.  Let  this  be  a  lesson  to  thee  to  rail  no  more 
against  institutions  that  have  saved  thee  from  pillage 
and  death.  Thou  canst  rest  with  us  this  night,  for  we 
are  enjoined  to  be  charitable,  even  to  those  that  despite- 
fully  use  us. 

"  Eat,  drink,  and  sleep,  and  to-morrow  go  thy  way  in 
peace." 


26  The  Chinese  method  of  salutation. 
25 


290  THE    PJIlLOSOPJlEnS    OF    FOUFOUVILLE. 

The  next  day  Fou-foii  reached  the  city  of  Nintschang- 
yangtscheufu,  the  metropolis  of  the  province  of  Yan-kee. 
It  was  in  vain  that  he  sought  admittance  to  the  public 
houses,  for  his  clothes  were,  by  this  time,  so  travel- 
stained  and  soiled  that  he  was  regarded  as  a  suspicious 
character.  The  Inspector  of  the  Books,27  at  the  hotel  of 
the  Three  Perfections,  told  him  there  was  no  room  for 
such  unprofitable-looking  customers  ;  while  the  Guardian 
of  the  Portals,28  at  the  House  of  Social  Relations,  threat- 
ened to  kick  him  away  if  he  did  not  leave  quietly  ;  con- 
sequently, he  had  no  chance  to  repeat  the  exploit  he  had 
performed  at  the  inn  of  the  Five  Felicities.  So,  having 
nothing  else  to  do,  he  took  his  stand  on  the  steps  of  the 
principal  pagoda,  and  began  to  harangue  the  multitude  ; 
but,  as  every  one  was  absorbed  in  the  worship  of  a 
graven  image  of  silver,  called  the  "  almighty  dollar," 
very  few  persons  stopped  to  listen  to  him,  and  those  few 
merely  laughed  at  him,  for  a  moment,  and  then  passed 
on.  Now  the  Yan-kees  were  a  practical  people,  and  the 
last  in  all  China  among  whom  he  would  have  been  likely 
to  ^nd  followers ;  but  it  happened  that  Chew-yung,  a 
penniless  opium-eater,  accompanied  by  a  drunken  vaga- 
bond, named  Rum-punch,  were  among  those  who  heard 
him  propound  his  theory  of  the  distribution  of  property, 
and  they  were  struck  with  the  propriety  of  the  proposi- 
tion, and  immediately  enrolled  themselves  among  his 
disciples.  The  beggars  of  the  city  also  gathered  around 
him,  attracted  by  the  promising  nature  of  his  tenets,  so 
that  he  soon  found  himself  at  the  head  of  quite  a  numer- 
ous body  of  malcontents. .  A  revolution  might  have  been 
the  result,  but  the  ensuing  night  being  very  cold,  and  his 

27  Tho  clerk,  or  book-keeper.  &  Tho  porter. 


THE    PHILOSOPHERS    OF  FOUFOUVILLE.  291 

followers,  observing  that  he  was  clad  in  a  warm,  woollen 
gown,  while  they  had  almost  nothing  to  cover  their 
nakedness,  made  a  second  application  of  his  doctrines  to 
himself,  and,  stripping  him  of  his  last  garment,  divided 
it  among  themselves.  In  the  morning  the  philosopher, 
Fou-fou,  was  found  frozen  to  death. 

After  the  demise  of  Fou-fou,  his  followers  spread 
themselves  over  the  empire  ;  but  their  leader  being  gone, 
they  no  longer  formed  a  homogeneous  body ;  but,  while 
adding  to  their  numbers,  split  themselves  into  different 
sects  (similar  to  the  manner  in  which  the  learned  tell  us 
that  some  minute  animals  increase  —  by  division29),  each 
sect  holding  some  tenet,  or  tenets,  different  from  the 
others.  These  subdivisions  repeated  the  process,  and 
as  the  original  type,  according  to  natural  philosophers, 
may,  by  natural  selection,  branch  off  into  species  and 
genera,  which,  in  course  of  time,  differ  widely  from  each 
other,  and  from  the  parent  stock,  some  hardly  retaining  a 
single  characteristic  of  this  latter,  so  the  Foufouites,  as 
they  have  spread  over  the  earth,  and  been  subjected  to 
varying  influences,  have  gradually  become  divided  into  an 
innumerable  number  of  lodges,  each  one  of  which  main- 
tains some  principles  that  are  scouted  by  the  others, 
while  individuals  are  found  who  do  not  believe  in  one 
single  precept  promulgated  by  the  founder  of  the  order. 

29  Called,  in  modern  scientific  nomenclature,  "  Multiplication  by  Divis- 
ion." I  would  respectively  suggest  to  the  Academy  of  Sciences,  the  more 
appropriate  term  of  ''The  Logarithmic  Method  of  Reproduction,"  since,  by 
the  division  of  the  monads,  other  monads  are  subtracted  from  them. 


292  tiie  rniLOsopjiEns  of  foufovville. 


CHAPTER    XIV. 

CONCLUSION. 

The  chapters  of  our  book  having  reached  the  unlucky 
number  of  thirteen,  we  feel  bound,  as  a  true  Foufouite,  in 
justice  to  our  publisher  and  ourself,  to  write  a  fourteenth 
in  order  to  avert  the  misfortune  notoriously  attendant  on 
the  former  figure.  "What  Foufouite  would  make  the  13th 
at  table?  "Who  would  want  to  work  13  hours  a  day? 
Who  would  pay  13  dollars  for  what  he  could  get  for  less? 
Who  would  want  to  travel  by  a  train  that  only  went  13 
miles  an  hour?  How  many  more  juries  would  disagree  if 
they  consisted  of  13  instead  of  12?  What  school-boy 
would  want  the  multiplication  table  extended  to  13?  Who 
does  not  remember  being  whipped  in  his  13th  year? 
What  boy  of  13  does  not  wish  he  was  nearer  the  age  of 
stove-pipe  hats  ?  What  girl  of  that  age  does  not  look  for- 
ward longingly  to  long  frocks  and  beaux  ?  What  mother 
does  not  begin  to  feel  anxious  for  her  daughter  when  she 
reaches  that  age?  What  poor  man  would  want  13  chil- 
dren? Who  (unless  a  woman)  would  have  13  hats?  Who 
could  fall  in  love  with  a  girl  who  had  only  13  teeth? 
Who  would  want  to  wait  13  years  for  a  wife,  notwith- 
standing Jacob  waited  14  ?  What  girl  (with  proper  ideas) 
would  look  at  a  man  with  only  1300  a  year?  What  wife 
would  let  her  husband  smoke  13  cigars  after  dinner? 
How  many  have  been  ruined  by  holding  13  cards?    Who 


THE    PHILOSOPHERS    OF    FOUFOUVILLE.  293 

would  lake  13%  for  his  money  if  he  could  get  14?  Who 
would  invest  in  a  petroleum  company  that  promised  only 
13%?  What  auctioneer  stops  at  13  if  he  can  get  13  and  a 
"  aff"  ?  Who  would  give  13  cents  for  a  shilling  if  he  could 
help  it  ?  What  poet  since  the  days  of  Byron  (the  most 
unhappy  of  men)  has  put  13  ideas  into  13  lines?  Who 
would  want  the  toothache  for  13  days?  Who  would  boil 
an  egg  13  minutes?  Who  would  cut  a  pie  in  13  pieces? 
Who  would  voluntarily  listen  to  a  sermon  that  extended 
tol3thly? 

Having  shown  what  a  very  unlucky  number  13  is,  we 
could  give  an  equally  convincing  demonstration  of  the 
folly  of  beginning  anything  on  Friday  ;  but  as  this  is  gen- 
erally acknowledged,  we  will  forbear. 

Dr.  Goodenough  has  long  since  passed  away,  and  the 
Society  of  Harmonians  ceased  to  exist,  but  Foufouism 
still  flourishes  throughout  the  world  among  all  nations.  It 
is  upheld  by  all  classes  and  conditions  of  men  and  women, 
its  insignia  decorating  the  plebeian  as  well  as  the  aristo- 
crat, the  ignorant  and  the  learned,  the  poor  and  the  rich. 
Gibbon  considered  the  whole  history  of  the  Roman  Em- 
pire too  much  for  one  man  to  undertake,  and  in  this  ac- 
count of  the  decline  and  fall  of  Harmonianism  we  have 
confined  our  attention  to  a  mere  phase  of  Foufouism, 
leaving  an  immense  field  unexplored  for  future  gleaners. 
We  have  purposely  forborne  from  comments,  believing  it 
to  be  the  duty  of  the  historian  to  relate  facts  rather  than 
to  give  opinions,  and  leaving  it  to  the  judicious  reader 
to  draw  his  own  conclusions.  We  have  not  couformed  to 
the  usual  practice  of  other  great  writers  of  putting  the  au- 
thority for  each  transaction  in  notes  at  the  foot  of  the  pa- 


294  tiie  rniLOSopnEns  of  foufowille. 

ges,  partly  because  we  -wished  to  be  original,  and  partly 
in  order  that  the  reader's  attention  might  not  be  perpet- 
ually distracted  from  the  important  events  narrated  in 
the  text. 

Foufouism  still  exists,  but  in  consequence  perhaps  of 
the  discredit  thrown  on  the  order  by  the  failure  of  the 
phalanstery,  there  are  many  weak-kneed  brethren  who 
not  only  shrink  from  avowing,  but  actually  deny  their 
connection  with  it.  Hating  gammon,  nonsense,  and 
lrypocrisy,  we,  who  have  written  this  book,  do  not  hesi- 
tate to  acknowledge,  openly,  that  we  belong  to  the  frater- 
nity ;  and  as  there  should  be  nothing  secret  in  our  soci- 
ety we  shall  now  make  known  a  few  of  the  signs  by 
which  the  public  may  recognize  a  Foufouite  at  a  glance. 

When  a  man,  whether  in  speaking  or  writing,  uses 
long  words  where  short  ones  are  better,  it  is  prima  facie 
evidence  that  he  is  a  candidate  for  admission  into  the 
society. 

When  you  find  an  author  using  mystical  "  transcen- 
dental" language  from  which  the  thought  (if  there  is  any) 
can  only  be  evolved  by  patient  study,  or  the  use  of  a  dic- 
tionary, —  and  nineteen  times  out  of  twenty  it  is  not 
worth  the  trouble,  —  you  can  rest  assured  that  he  is  a 
Foufouite  of  the  first  water,  and  that  his  admirers  like- 
wise belong  to  the  brotherhood.  We  have  noticed,  in  the 
course  of  much  miscellaneous  reading,  that  whenever  a 
writer  has  an  idea  that  is  really  worth  recording,  he  in- 
variably takes  pains  to  express  it  in  the  clearest  language 
that  his  faculties  can  command. 

Bunsbyism  (if  we  may  coin  a  word  from  Mr.  Dickens) 
of  any  kind  is  an  indubitable  sign. 

So  also  is  affectation. 


THE    PHILOSOPHERS    OF   FOUFOUVILLE.  295 

When  you  find  a  man  sacrificing  comfort  to  vain  show 
you  can  set  him  clown  as  one  of  our  Grand  Masters. 

When  you  find  a  native  citizen  of  the  United  States  — 
a  true-born  Yankee  —  aping  foreign  manners,  dress,  or 
forms  of  speech,  you  may  confidently  point  your  finger 
and  say,  "  There  goes  a  Foufouite." 

All  those  who  prefer  what  is  foreign  to  what  is  domes- 
tic, not  because  it  is  better  (which  it  is  too  often),  but 
because  it  is  foreign,  are  claimed  by  us. 

Any  American  who  makes  a  parade  of  heraldic  signs 
and  devices  (no  matter  how  justly  entitled  to  them  ac- 
cording to  the  laws  of  heraldry)  must  have  imbibed  our 
principles. 

In  short,  any  native  American,  who  is  not  also  a  true 
American,  is  a  Foufouite. 

All  women,  who  talk  politics  or  political  economy,  we 
hail  as  sisters. 

Those  who  are  called  strong-minded  hold  a  high  place 
in  our  order. 

All  snobs  are  Foufouites,  although  all  Foufouites  are 
not,  necessarily,  snobs. 

Many  of  the  F.  F.  V.s  also  belong  to  the  O.  F.s. 

Among  the  insignia  of  the  order  are  flashy  habili- 
ments, mock  jewelry,  or  even  much  of  the  real  article, 
and  the  hat  cocked  over  one  eye.  Self-conceit  is  the 
most  infallible  sign  of  all. 

Foufouites  flock  to  mock  auctions  ;  they  support  astrolo- 
gers, mediums,  seventh  daughters,  and  people  whose 
"sands  of  life  have  nearly  run  out ;"  they  relieve  import- 
ers from  all  sorts  of  worthless  foreign  rubbish  ;  they  rail 
at  democratic  institutions  ;  they  invest  in  lotteries  (in 
Wall  Street,  as  well  as  elsewhere)  ;  lose  their  money  in 


29G  the  rniLOsoriiERS  of  foufovville. 

gambling  hells ;  squander  it  in  rum-shops,  and  keep  up 
the  price  of  Greek  and  Latin  dictionaries. 

Notwithstanding  that  our.  order  includes,  among  its 
members,  people  of  every  station  and  condition  of  life, 
from  kings  upon  their  thrones,  down  to  beggars  in  the 
streets,  it  is  extremely  rigid  in  its  rules  of  admission, 
and  no  elevation  of  rank,  no  amount  of  wealth,  will  se- 
cure this  privilege,  unless  the  party  has  given  proof  of 
adherence  to  our  principles.  What  those  principles  are, 
we  do  not  feel  at  liberty  to  state ;  in  fact,  like  the  doc- 
trines of  Buddh,  the}'  arc  so  numerous  that  probably  no 
one  individual  knows  the  whole  of  them ;  for  it  should 
be  borne  in  mind  that  Foufouism  is  older  than  free- 
masoniy,  and  that  every  generation  of  men  gives  birth 
to  some  new  principle,  the  adoption  of  which  carries 
with  it  the  appellation  of  Foufouite. 

The  moving  words  in  which  the  historian  of  the  Decline 
and  Fall  describes  the  completion  of  his  great  work  are 
doubtless  familiar  to  the  reader ;  but  it  is  necessary  to 
have  been  in  a  similar  position  in  order  to  fully  appre- 
ciate them. 

It  is  in  the  seclusion  of  our  study  —  which  is  also  our 
bedroom  (and  we  will  add  our  children's  nursery)  — that 
we  are  writing  these  last  lines  of  the  last  page  of  our 
book.  In  parting  with  it  we  feel  like  parting  with  a 
familiar  friend,  for  it  has  been  our  daily  companion  during 
nearly  three  long  winter  months ;  still,  as  the  publisher 
tells  us  it  may  possibly  pay,  the  poignancy  of  our  regret 
at  having  finished  it  is  somewhat  alleviated. 

The  accomplishment  of  our  laborious  task  has  been 
attended  by  many  drawbacks.  Only  future  commentators 
will  know  the  amount  of  research  involved,  by  the  ex- 


THE    PHILOSOPIIERS    OF   FOUFOUVILLE.  297 

treme  difficulty  they  will  have  in  hunting  up  our  authori- 
ties. »We  have  perseveringly  prosecuted  our  labors  in 
spite  of  constant  interruption  from  our  children,  sur- 
rounded by  the  ruins  of  their  Christmas  toys,  and  our 
attention  constantly  distracted  by  the  gambols  and  noise 
of  their  pets,  a  cat,  two  kittens,  and  three  puppy-dogs. 

Our  son,  sis  years  of  age,  the  heir  to  our  name  (would 
we  could  add  fortune),  is  climbing  up  on  our  shoulders, 
and  our  little  daughter  is  sitting  on  our  knee.  Having 
just  pinched  their  ears  to  keep  them  quiet,  ours  are  the 
only  dry  eyes  amongst  us.  In  this  affecting  manner  we 
take  our  leave  of  the  reader,  consoled  by  the  reflection 
that,  while  the  life  of  the  historian  must  be  short  and  pre- 
carious, his  book  may  long  survive  on  the  shelves  of 
second-hand  book  stores,  and  be  of  service  to  future  gen- 
erations of  trunkmakers  and  hatters. 


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